Bloke goes to the doctors.

Bloke: Doctor, I feel like a moth.

Doctor: Well, I think you need a psychiatrist not a doctor.

Bloke: Yes, I know.

Doctor: So why are you here then?

Bloke: The light was on.

There's this middle-aged guy who's gone impotent. He decides he wants a permanent fix, rather than taking a pill every time he wants to get it on, so he undergoes this really weird experimental surgery that involves grafting the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant onto his junk.

After healing up from the surgery, he takes his wife out to a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant. The waiter takes their drink orders and leaves a basket of dinner rolls on the table.

All of a sudden, the guy feels this really strange sensation "down there." Since the place is dark and no one's around but his wife, he unzips his fly and tries to see what the hell is going on. His dick snakes out of his pants, grabs a roll, and pulls it back in to his pants. His wife gives him a sly look and says, "Could you do that again?"

He replies, "Probably, but I really don't want another dinner roll shoved up my ass."

Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it sure is hot in here, isn't it?"

The second muffin says, "Sweet Merciful Fuck, a talking muffin!" Then, finally, have sex.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple!

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

A wife turns to her husband and asks, "Why don't we fly to Hawaii this summer?"

He replies, "Because you're a cunt."

Q: What do you call an Arab who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you fucking racist.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Once, in an inflatable land, there lived an inflatable boy who, like all the other inflatable children, went to an inflatable school. He was a poor student and easily bored, and one day during a particularly frustrating lesson, he got up and stormed out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he saw the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

Angry and panicked, the inflatable boy pulled out a pin and punctured the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. "I hate school", he thought, and used his pin on the school itself. As the school slowly deflated behind him, he ran as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home, to the safety of his inflatable bedroom.

Inevitably, his inflatable mother knocked at his bedroom door an hour later, and with her were the inflatable Police. The inflatable boy, stricken with remorse and fear, pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.

WonkWonkWonk.

Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people. Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat. They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island. After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly. Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution. Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

What's brown and sticky?

A STICK.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A STICK.

What do you call a cross between a deer and a pickle?

A dill-doe.

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

A doe walked outta the woods and said "I'd never do that for 2 bucks again"

What's cold and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.

A man gets called into the hospital after finding out his wife has been in a terrible car accident. He finds the doctor right outside her room when he gets there, and asks "Well, what's the situation?"

The doctor looks him in the eye and says, "It doesn't look good. She'll never be the same again I'm afraid. You're going to have to feed her, you're going to have to bathe her. She'll never walk, she'll always need a respirator. The physical therapy will be long and painful, but eventually she might be able to rise from her bed. You may want to look into hiring a nurse to be with her and give her the care she's going to need. I'm very sorry."

The man is devastated. Tearing up, he says "That's awful, I just..."

The doctor sprouts a huge grin and says "I'm just fucking with you - she's dead."

a scientist walks into a bar

the bartender says "what do you want to drink?"

the scientist says "whiskey"

the joke is that the scientist is sad that he broke the experiment so he wants a whiskey.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell Pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Q: how do you stop a clown from laughing????

A: hit him in the face with an axe!

Ok, ok, you guys, this is a great one. Ok, How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? Anybody? Huh? Huh? *snicker* An OCTOPUS going to WAR, how does he do it? *giggle* Do you know? Anybody know? Ok, here it is -- this is a great one guys -- he goes to wa--wait, let me repeat the question. How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? ................. ARMED! Bwahahahahaaaa!!!! Get it?? Get it??? LOL LOL LOLOL!! It's an OCTOPUS, and he goes to war ARMED ..... because the octopus-- octopi, they have-- don't you get it?

Q: Why did the monkey get lost?

A: Because jungle is massive!

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "You operate the cannon, I'll drive."

Two old grannies at the café havin a coffee

one says to the other "Did you come on the bus?"

"Yeah but I pretended it was an asthma attack."

Two old ladies meet outside their nursing home for a smoke. As they each start their second cigarette, it begins to rain. The first lady, undeterred, pulls out a condom, deftly removes the tip with sewing scissors, rolls it over her smoke, and takes another drag.

The second little old lady sees this, and is impressed.

"Where do you get those funny rubber things?" , she asks. "I could sure use some."

"They're called condoms. I get them at the pharmacists, but you have to ask at the counter for them.", her friend replies.

So the little old lady heads to the pharmacy, and goes to the counter.

"Good afternoon,", says the pharmacist, "What can I help you with?"

"I'd like a pack of condoms.", she tells him.

The pharmacist is somewhat taken aback at this, but remains professional. "What size would you like, ma'am?"

"Oh, I don't know", say the elderly lady, "What's the right size for a Camel?"

A bear goes into a bar & says "I'll have...

... a pint of lager please" and the barman says "Why the big pause?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender sais "hey, no pets!". The guy sais "I promise I'll make sure he doesn't mess up the place." The bartender agrees to serve the guy and the monkey and him sit down. The monkey goes ape-shit and beggins throwing peanuts, brakes some mugs and finishes off by swallowing the eightball. The bartender yells "Alright get the fuck out and don't bring that damn monkey back!"

After a couple of weeks the guy decides he has been away for long enough so the bartender may let him come back. When he enters the bar with the monkey the bartender sais "Oh no, not you again." To which the guy replies "it's ok, I've got him trained priofessionaly now." The guy and monkey sit at the bar at the bartenders uneasy acceptance and the guy orders a beer. The monkey reaches for a peanut then, sticks it up his ass, then eats it. "I thought you said you had him trained." sais the bar tender. "I did." sais the guy. "So what is the monkey doing then?" asks the bartender. The guy replies "Checking for size".

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing.

MSBNC have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Q: What do you call a Spaniard who loses his car?

A: Carlos!

....(Dave and Chris) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Chris: - No way - he's a geologist.

Dave: - He ain't no geologist! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er....mmm....well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Chris: - I see the Suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Chris: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Chris: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

A circus owner is at home and hears a knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a man standing there with a carrier bag in his hand.

"Can I help you?" the circus owner asks.

"Yes," replies the man, "I have a great act which will be a hit with your circus."

"And what would that be?" he asks.

"I am the man that can feel no pain" he declares. "Hit me, burn me - I feel no pain."

The man reaches into his carrier bag and hands the circus owner a large hammer.

"Go on." says the man "Hit me on the head with it."

"But..."

"It's all right," says the man, "I'll feel no pain. Go on."

The circus owner takes the hammer and delivers the most restrained tap to the man's head. The man yelps, clasps his head and falls to the ground. The circus owner, frantic with worry, calls for an ambulance and soon the man is taken to hospital. He goes into a coma.

The circus owner, overwhelmed with guilt, visits the man every night and sits by his bedside. After three months, the man sits bolt upright in his bed and goes "Ta-Daaaaaaaaa!"

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the dog.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.

Eventually they all starved to death.

A guy is in a pub with his sister, karaoke night.

at some point he goes and takes the mic, and says

"Right, I know this isn't exactly karaoke, but this is my sister's birthday today, and I'd like us all to sing 'happy birthday' to her"

The crowd cheers for the sister and everybody sings happy birthday to her, while she looks slightly embarassed.

Ince the song is finished, the guy takes the mic once again and says:

"I'd like to thank you all. Actually it isn't exactly her birthday today, but it's been a year exactly that she's been off the methadone."

there once was a woman from prague

whose forehead was shaped like a book

she stood on a nail

it went into her shoe

and now there's a nail in her shoe.

The insane boy put his finger into the sky and asks his father what is there.

- "Its a plane, son."

- "Daddy, I want his meat."

A guy walks into a bakery and orders a cake shaped like the letter "B"

the baker says, "well, i think i can do that, but it'll take a few days."

the guy says, "that's fine, i'm in no hurry."

three days go by and the man returns to the bakery.

the baker presents him with the cake and says, "well, what do you think?"

the guy says, "oh geez- it's really nice and all, but i forgot to explain that what i really needed was a cake shaped like a lower case 'b' - i'll gladly pay you for all the extra trouble"

the baker says that's fine and to come back in another three days.

three more days pass and the guy returns to the bakery and the baker shows him the cake.

"oh man, that's perfect. that's exactly what i wanted," the guy said.

"you want i should box that up for you then?" said the baker.

"no, i'll just eat it here."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are all paid to observe this house. They watch it for a week and nobody enters, or leaves the complex. On the 8th day somebody walks in, and on the 9th, two people walk out.

The biologist says: "Clearly they must have reproduced"

The physicist says: "Obviously our initial observations were incorrect"

The mathematician says: "If one more person walks into that house, there will be nobody in it"

An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates?

A: because they are cheaper than dayrates

A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "indeed, I encyst upon it."

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out "hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" The experimental physicist turns to him and says "some of the sheep in Scotland are black." The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says "actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says "on one side, anyway."

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 raped 6 and made him promise not to tell.

This Priest and kid are walking deep into the woods. It keeps getting deeper and darker, and they keep going further inside. Finally, the kid says, "Father, I'm scared" The priest replies "Think about me, I gotta walk out of here alone!"

This Priest and Rabbi are talking and a little boy walks past. The priest says, "Let's Screw Him!" and the Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

These 2 priests are peeing and one looks over and sees the second priest has Nicotine patches all over his penis. He says, "Say, is that working for you?" and the second priest replies, "Yah, I'm down to 2 butts a day"

Who are the 2 most famous people shot in the head in a theater? Abe Lincoln and the guy in front of Pee-Wee Herman

There's this young teenage girl who's parents are out of town for the weekend, and she has her boyfriend over to hang out.

Like any hot blooded young couple, they are taking the opportunity to do the Nasty on the couch.

It should be mentioned that this is the parent's new couch. A new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Oh yeah, they're doing it anal too.

As they finish up, the aforementioned abused sphincter is a bit fatigued form the vigorous action it has just endured, and there is a loss of control.

On the Couch. On the new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Well, needless to say, the rest of the weekend involves the young couple trying every cleaning product in existence to remove the brown staining, but nothing does the trick, this stain is not going anywhere. The girl's parents come home, notice the stain, and ask what happened to the couch.

Our young heroine is dumbfounded. She can't admit her carnal sins to her parents, so she stammers out the first feasible thing. "The Dog did it."

Her parent's don't say anything to her, and don't raise any fuss. Much to her surprise, they only put their bags away and go out to the kennel in the back yard.

And they shot the dog.