- 1 Introduction
- 2 United Church of the One Meme
- 3 Cressing
- 4 Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion
- 5 Microreligion 548203
- 6 Religion of Tuscon
- 7 RETARDED DESIGN
- 8 Loki Worship
- 9 The Sitcom Cult
- 10 The World Is Over Already
- 11 Cat Worship
- 12 Mercenary Agnosticism
- 13 Cult of Sleep
Religious Freedom is our greatest right. You've been sitting by the sidelines watching as other people act like maniacs in the name of something that probably isn't true. And doesn't it look they're having a blast? Why let them have all the fun?
We live in a postmodern world, one dominated by multiple narratives. Many of these greater narratives - such as science, religion, and orthodox consumerism - are internally consistent, self-reinforcing, and mutually exclusive. Most individuals operate under the jurisdiction of a reality tunnel, a set of beliefs and attitudes which filter incoming information to create a coherent worldview. But why limit oneself to a single reality tunnel? We purport to offer you a glimpse at both madness and enlightenment. This book will guide you through an experiment in belief that will leave you simultaneously bewildered and fascinated. You won't know what's to believe, AND YOU'LL LOVE IT.
Every few days, roll on the Religion Randomizer and select a new reality tunnel. Read the entry for that tunnel and imagine that it is true. And not just true, but the best description of the universe -- with powerful implications for how you should behave on a day to day, minute to minute basis.
Select a focus: an object, symbol, mantra, alarm, or other reminder of your new short-term world view. At least five times per day, meditate on your focus and get back into the headspace in which your new religion is True. Embrace it. Wallow in it. Think derivative thoughts. Let it steer your actions. Enjoy it while it lasts. In a few days, you'll roll again and you'll be somebody new.
I suggest that an intelligent person is not concerned with capital-T Truth. A rational thinker can shift his or her mind into different reality tunnels, and is able to perceive different truths for different contexts. I think it takes more willpower and discipline to be flexible than rigid. And it's better to evaluate truths in terms of how useful they are, and realize that this quality may shift based on time and context.
We have the freedom to believe things that are completely wrong. I say don't just think about it! Try it out, see how it feels, cast it aside later. What's the harm in being "wrong" for a few days if you learn something from that orientation? A short term religion is a great way to expand your consciousness, and get a taste of postmodern madness while you're at it.
Be attached to nothing, treat everything like it is a "straw dog" you can throw away later.
United Church of the One Meme
I'll do a 'worship of memes' one. Basic precepts revolve around the idea that memes are the key part of human perception of the world, and by creating, spreading, and modifying them, you can bend the world to your wishes and gain true ultimate power and all of that. Expect a full writeup in the next few days once my plate is clear; for now this is a placeholder and a declaration of intent.
human beings are essentially extremely complicated meme aggregators. We are the environment in which their natural selection takes place.
information is the real life on this planet, we are just the meat it uses to reproduce - this is not a purely related to humanity, it has been going on since amino acids first bumped into each other in the wild primordial ocean.
they are the paint and we are the canvas
Over time they have managed to transfer themselves into higher and higher levels of coherence
language was a giant jump for them, it allowed them to become more specialized and specific.
the written word was a gigantic jump, it allowed them to encapsulate themselves like dormant bacteria -- it allows them to survive for periods of time without a host, and make ridiculous amounts of high fidelity copies of themselves.
in this model, corporations and governments and religions are like gigantic superorganisms
meta biological organisms
by Placid Dingo
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion
This is a modern take on a gnostic sect and a method for becoming UNSTOPPABLE. The central figure is the IDEA of the Virgin Mary, specifically, her state of mind in trying to wrap the brain around immaculate conception. In fact, in this case, she's considered a representation of Eris. Don't ask us how. It's a metaphor, and is not required to make sense. (If the rest of the church and the pagans can co-opt so can we damn it.) We don't care if this actually happened as described or not, or if anyone New Testament existed or not, it's jsut a jumping off point of Holy WTF. Being a re-thinking of a gnostic sect, this is more about the knowledge, contemplation, and discussion of the WTF that is considered good.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Any moment of head scratching bewilderment is a good and antural state. In this state, we are CERTAIN we know nothing. Given the sum total of knowledge, known and unknown, this is probably a safe bet. The accepting and realizing of this state is the first part of this sacrement, as it accounts for our basically flawed meat-brainedness. The annalysis and the realizing of something that might work this time is the second. Success is the third part. While not essential, we can't argue that results are snazzy, and lack of them MAY get you killed.
UNSTOPABILITY: If you tell other people what you are doing, they can stop you. They may not like it, or may just be a dick. Even worse, you may be a defeatist, or have a horrible bastard sub conscious, so you may even self defeat! Neither are good, they prevent sucess. The simple answer is to have NO IDEA waht you are doing. Nobody else knows, and you don't know. They cannot stop you with any more certainty than you can stop yourself. You are now UNDEFEATABLE. Sister concepts are CYA (cover yo ass), and KYFMS.
Beer: It's good. Make some time to hang around with your buddies and drink some. Play games and don't talk about anything heavy.
Doing Shit: Exercising WTF and UNSTOPABILITY is worthless if you basement dwell and sockfuck. Be active.
Don't be a Dick: Don't fuckign split hairs about it, just don't.
12/24: Chreaster Eve: STAY OFF THE ROADS. Everyone's crazy today, more than usual are heading to church. Less a Holiday than a suggestion.
12/25: Everyone Else is Out of Work Day: High Holiday of the Sacrement of Beer, which lasts until New Years.
7/4: HOLY SHIT Day: Someone gave the apes explosives! Hit the deck! High Holiday of UNSTOPABILITY, since you may need it to survive.
10/1: September's Over Day! : The weather MAY be nice. High Holiday #2 of Doing Shit
3/15: Fucking enough already: February's pretty much gone! Practice Don't Be a Dick, since that month's a bummer.
End-ish of April: Chreaster Day: Watch more people head to church than usual.
5/1: May Day: High Holiday #1 of Doing Shit, and the kickoff of summer in some hemispheres. While note exclusive to this holiday, this should mark a period of being mindfulness to be commiting the sacrements of Doing Shit and Beer.
Every Day: Watch Out for New Religions Day: If you get an idea for a new church / religion, be careful with it. Even a few casual mentions may get converts or t-shirts made up of it.
The only thing that truly exists is comedy. Laughter is the metaphysical basis of everything. Death is merely when the deity tells you The Joke, and the ensuing humor singularity takes an eternity to finish laughing from.
In Microreligion 548203 (working title), humor is valued higher than truth, unless being true can enhance the humor of something (i.e. horrormirth). Ethically, there are two camps: That of the stand-ups and that of the sit-downs. The sit downs say that it is justifiable to do any evil deed for the amusement of the self, because all exists for the entertainment of others. They have no friends. The Stand Ups argue that it creates the net highest amount of humor to amuse other people, preferably while they sit still (not Sit Down, mind you!) so that they can all be amused en masse.
Microreligion 548203-ists take the stance that it is noble to adjust one's mind or environment so that even boring, serious, or depressing things are funny. "Danes" (non-Microreligion 548203ists) often object to this sort of behavior.
More on Microreligion 548203
They have it that all things exist even when unobserved, because everything has SOME kind of abstruse comedy value to someone. If it doesn't, something funny happens to it. Unfunny things only exist for this reason.
Their deity is unnamed, and unpersonified except occasionally as a rubber chicken. Reality only came into existence because it was funnier that way.
Religion of Tuscon
by Sister Fracture
The Creation Myth
There is a reason Tucson is a horrible place. The land itself is sentient. It is angry. It hates us all.
The land beneath Tucson was once beneath a great sea. And it slept deeply in the cool and the dark. The seas receded, and the land's dreams became broken. The sun beat down, and the land grew fitful. The wind blew across it, and the land's surface became dry. The Heat came, and the land awoke.
It was angry, for it wanted to return to the quiet and constant night it once had. New kinds of life sprung into being, and the land became angrier still. When man came to build his cities, the land was wrathful, and drove him to insanity, but man would not – could not – leave. The land wanted man to pay for the scars he had put upon it, and would not allow him to leave. It wanted him to pay.
It took his dreams and broke them, as its own dreams were once broken. It took his will and crushed it. It dangled escape in front of him, only to snatch it away at the last second. And man became lost, there in the desert, though he did not realize it. And it gave the land grim satisfaction to cause man great suffering. And man multiplied, and the land became more enraged and more delighted, had more lives to destroy.
It still yearns for sleep, the land. Until then it will take we who remain and play with us as the dog plays with the rat – shredding us to bits, leaving us when there is nothing left of us. The land is angry. It is joyful. It hates us all.
April - October: "Holy Hell, it's hot" day. (more to come)
- The Shrine of the Black Madonna, located somewhere near TCC, shown to us by Eater of Souls
- The Meetrack, located at 210 W Drachmann
- The Wall, located on _______ (got to check)
(more to come)
by Herbertina Merrique V
We've all heard the theories of intelligent design, and how irreducible complexity obviously shows us how blah blah blah whatever, and therefore, God.
This is of course entirely plausible, and the proponents of Retarded Design fully believe the Universe and life is too complex to have developed without a creator. However, why should we automatically assume the Designer is intelligent, before we have carefully observed their work to draw our conclusions?
Let's take a look around.
Okay so there are plants and trees and butterflies, with their fine-tuned cellular, um, things and stuff, all magnificent manifestations of a wonderfully precise design and I UM THERE ARE MONKEYS IN BURMA WHO SNEEZE EVERY TIME IT RAINS BECAUSE THEY GET WATER IN THEIR NOSE OR SOMETHING WHAT THE HELL IT'S A FUCKING RAINFOREST IT RAINS LIKE ALL THE TIME
And the immune system, an incredibly adaptive mechanism which WAIT I'M DESTROYING MY OWN PLATELETS BECAUSE MY BODY MISTAKES THEM FOR VIRUSES? THANKS A LOT FOR THE ITP, GOD OR WHATEVER, OKAY GOTTA GO AND BUY A FEW THOUSAND TONS OF PREDNISONE I GUESS
And just think about the entire Universe. An endless ocean of darkness, sprinkled with infinite amounts of stars and planets - oh, the possibilities! What wonders could we encounter if only YEAH IF ONLY THE OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS WEREN'T IMPOSSIBLE TO EVER REACH BECAUSE OF AN ASSLOAD OF LIGHTYEARS BETWEEN US AND THEM AND WE CAN'T EVEN ACCELERATE TO THE SPEED OF LIGHT? SERIOUSLY, PISS OFF
So there are two options: either all of this has a perfectly valid reason, but we aren't supposed to understand it because the Designer's plans are too complicated for us, or the Designer is a complete moron who obviously has no idea how things work. We at the Super-Scientific Church of Retarded Design have decided to go for the latter.
O HAI GOD CURE FOR CANCER PLZ \ http://www.blogcdn.com/www.urlesque.com/media/2009/04/prayer_child-and-dog.jpg
SRY GOTTA GO MAKE MONKEYS SNEEZE \ http://i53.tinypic.com/21l2w7a.png
Solves the problem of evil, too. It's okay, Job! All your servants and children died and you lost all of your fortunes, but God can't really be held accountable for that. He's, um, special.
This message is brought to you through the Universal Divine All-Trickster Exchange (UDATE), which does not exist, yet.
- * *
Have you considered the Norse God Loki as your personal deity of choice? If yes, then jolly well, mead at the usual time and place, and sagas and sodomy and strap-onnery afterwards; otherwise, read on.
Loki has had a bad rap; we know. You no doubt know him as a trickster, a murderer, one that manipulates and leads people and gods alike astray. We don’t deny any of that; we merely ask you to consider this — what is so bad in all that, actually?
Loki is a trickster, a liar, a leader-to-astray; why should this concern you? None are as misguided as those that are certain; none so lost as those who know beyond all doubt and question they have the right. This is why Loki is hated; for those that hate him know by experience that one needs to mislead before one can lead, but after the second comes, the first should really be carefully forgotten. Loki is the reminder, the mocking laughter carried on the winds of change. He is he who rips cloaks aside to reveal bent dwarfs beneath the kingly silk, bearded and one-eyed and lame; he is he who wipes clean the huff-clouded mirrors of a fevered soul, of a warrior-fool of hammering blood; though woe spreads in his wake, he carries none within.
If you have ever laughed in mockery, Loki has you; if you have ever admired a quick wit that lowers the strong arm and deflates the proud snarl, Loki has you.
If you are a sour prune, Loki spits you out; but if a crooked smile ever crept up your face, Loki has you.
Have thee then some Loki for yourself in exchange.
And yet, Loki does not beg for followers. He does not hold a booth open at the Theist Fair; not even at the Dark Theist Fair, which is hardly fair at all. He is the god of corners, the god of hidden rooms; he is the god of forest-whispers, the god met on the twisting path through the wood. He is the god met in disguise; the shape shifter and the sex changer, the liar-in-shapes as he is the liar-in-words; he is the god that came down as all the others stayed up building heavens and hells. (Or million-mile Rainbow Bridges and halls for a million drunken Norsemen; gods just have no eye for the subtle and understated.)
For this reason lesser gods have called Loki a Satan, a devil; an enemy of the people; this is a most hurtful truth. Though the bent little monks that gave the name did not know this, the word ha-Satan means nothing but “the Accuser” — and to any would-be tyrant all accusers and nonconformists are Satans in the later sense of the word. As the Norse gods had reacted to Loki with spittle and shaken hammers, so the Christian God of self-flagellating Constantinople and Rome called him evil for standing outside his crown-system of good and evil. And yet Loki has no hooves, no horns; no, he is a god in golden and green finery, glorious and beautiful, and his horns are merely those golden spikes that adorn his helm. Though he accuses, he does not judge; though he accepts worship, he does not demand it; though he tackles, he does not kick the one that is down — in this all he differs from Odin the All-Tedious, “Big Hammer” Thor, “Sonny” Jesus and all the later tyrants and would-be lords.
Follow Loki, dear reader, for this is his promise: “I will not be your light, nor your darkness. I will not save you, nor condemn you. One day I will be behind you; I will laugh with you, and I will laugh at you. I will make and destroy; I will be your eye, and the object of your seeing; all sights but blindness I will give to you before the end. And when on the beach of life that other set of tracks goes away, I will be gone to get some mead for you. I am Loki, Farbauti’s son, wildfire son of lightning-bolt, god and giant, liar murderer and thief, and the most honest god you will ever meet.”
The Sitcom Cult
Sitcom characters are the true vessels of the collective unconscious. The solutions to all of life's problems may be found by channeling the wisdom of sitcom characters.
Here is one sect:
The Full House is a metaphor for the self. Danny Tanner contains the ego, superego, and id (often manifested as his evil alter ego "Manny" Tanner). Joey and Jessie represent the twin cultural influences of humor and coolness. And DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, the three children, embody the archetypal first, middle, and youngest child personalities as well as the maiden mother and crone. The show explores various mythological dramas and parables framed in the theater of american suburban life in the 90s.
The World Is Over Already
not so much a religion as a batshit worldview
Cats are divine vessels which must be worshiped and adored by humans. To be in the good graces of a cat is the most holy and enlightened of states. Cat worship is at least 5000 years old.
If you don't actually like cats, this will be a very interesting experiment for you.
by Dr. James Semaj
Selling your prayers to the highest bidder.
Cult of Sleep
Who/What do you worship?
Sleep is the only time a mortal can ever achieve divinity, this time should be considered as the highest degree of sacred and a pursuit above all other things. Morpheus is the god of the cult, and should be worshipped as a hero and champion for humankind.
Zeus called a called meeting of the gods on Mount Olympus asking how the Olympians could make their power greater when dealing with humans. Hera called out that she had an idea, but it required all of the Olympians to work together for short periods of time, no small feat. Her idea was to create short periods of time where mortals were tricked into thinking they were gods themselves, but while they were being tricked they were actually trapped in a state where they would be most vulnerable. Many of the Olympians liked the idea, especially Ares and Aphrodite. However there was one mortal watching this meeting, Morpheus. It is lost to antiquity how Morpheus was able to climb Mount Olympus and witness such a meeting, but after watching this conspiracy he decended the mountian and formed a plan
As the time came for Morpheus to sleep for the first time he felt very tired and slow, but he had hidden a tincture (which is now known as morphine, named after Morpheus) made by the Graeae to put the god themselves in the same helpless state mortals were being put in. Morpheus fought and fought sleep until messengers of the Olympians came. Morpheus put them to sleep by trickery and tincture laiden drink. This went on for a long time until Morpheus had put all the messengers alseep.
After 5 weeks of this the Olympians sought their messengers as nobody was going alseep and thus they could not influence mortals while they were alseep and vulnerable. They quickly found their messengers at the feet of Morpheus and when they saw a mere mortal had done this they asked how. Morpheus told them everything and said that even he knew a secret that the Olympians did not, as the gods wanted mortals to sleep again they offered him domain of sleep and dreams.From then on Morpheus gives mortals true divinity in dreams (not just the illusion), but the gods are able to do what they will while mortals are asleep.
Are there any restrictions on who can be a member of your religion's hierarchy? Are men/women/children/cats/dogs allowed to lead?
There are no restrictions, cats and lazy breeds of dogs are considered more divine. There are no leaders all are divine when alseep.
Are there any texts that your religion thinks are 'holy'?
Any personal dream journal. Lying in these can lead to Morpheus removing the adherant's divinity.
Is there a ritual or ceremony required to join your religion?
Followers must keep a dream journal, they cannot write in it more then 10 minutes after waking and cannot read from it more then 10 min before sleeping.
Reading somebody else's journal is considered ok only if permitted and only if 10 min before you yourself fall asleep.
The one divine ceremony consists of doing small amounts of Morphine in order to fall sleep.
Will you offer marriage ceremonies?
Is there a ritual or ceremony performed at the death of a member of your religion?
The follower's journal is read aloud in total or select passages.
Does your religion have a charitable purpose?
Not for society at large.
Do members of your religion mark themselves in any way to make it easy to recognize them? Jewelry/costumes/tattoos/hairstyles
A cresent moon with a 3 star overlay is the symbol (actual images coming sometime)
If a member of your religion does not adhere to the requirements of your religion, what will happen?
They may no longer be able to dream, or if they dream the dreams will be recurring.
Does your religion advocate the existance of an 'afterlife'? Is it only for members of your religion or can anyone get there?
This is not addressed and is of a great debate.
Does your religion believe that particular days of the week, month, year, century are special?
Monthly the second Monday and the last Saturday monthly are considered holy.
Does your religion mark passage to adulthood for boys/girls in a specific way?