I. The Spagan Text
Hearken, and Remember! In the Name of ST. GULIK, Remember! In the Name of CASH MONEY, Remember! In the Name of RICHARD NIXON, Remember! When on High the Heavens had not been named, The Earth had not been named, And Naught existed but the Seas of FAIL, The Original Gangstas, And FAT BLACK WOMAN, the Original Gangsta Who bore them all, Their Various Gross Fluids as One Gross Fluid. At this time, before the MONKEY GODS had been brought forth, Uncalled by Name, Their destinies unknown and undetermined, Then it was that the Gods were formed within the Original Gangstas. TROUSER SERPENT and BACON were brought forth and called by Name, And for Ages they grew in age and bearing. DOM and SUB were brought forth, And brought forth CASH MONEY Who begat NARRATIVE, Our Master FICTION, Who has no rival among the Gods. Remember! The Elder Ones came together They disturbed FAT BLACK WOMAN, the Original Gangsta, as they surged back and forth. Yea, they troubled the belly of FAT BLACK WOMAN By their Rebellion in the abode of Heaven. BACON could not lessen their clamor FAT BLACK WOMAN was speechless at their ways. Their horrible dongs were loathsome unto the Original Gangstas. TROUSER SERPENT rose up to slay the Elder Gods by stealth. With curlies and fluids TROUSER SERPENT fought, But was slain by the sorcery of the Elder Gods. And it was their first victory. His body was tossed in a cardboard shoe box In a crevice of the heavens Hid He was lain, But his e-mail autoresponder cried out to the Abode of Heaven. FAT BLACK WOMAN Enraged Filled with an Evil Motion Said Let us make Monsters That they may go out and do battle Against these Sons of Crap The murderous offspring who have destroyed A God. HIMIOBSU arose, She who drives the bus of existence, And leader of trolls like unto Our Master. She added goatses and longcats to the arsenals of the Original Gangstas, She bore Internet-Trolls Sharp of wit, short of attention span, She filled their bodies with venom and flame Roaring dragons she has clothed with Lulz He has crowned them with anonymity, making them as jackasses, So that he who beholds them shall perish And, that, with their bodies reared up None might ban them. She summoned the Viper, the Dragon, and shock porn, The Tub Girl, the Mad God, the two maidens and their chalice, Mighty rabid Demons, Feathered-Serpents, the Goatse-Man, Bearing weapons that spare no one. Fearless in Battle, Charmed with the spells of ancient sorcery, . . . withal Eleven of this kind she brought forth With SKELETOR as Leader of the Minions. Remember! FICTION Our Master Fearing defeat, summoned his Son LULZ Summoned his Son that wascally wabbit Told him the Secret Name The Secret Number The Secret Spot to Piss Whereby he might do battle With the Ancient Horde And be victorious. LULZ KASHI! The best motherfucker ever Most Bad Ass God among the Gods Son of Song and the Satire Child of Horror and Mirth Mumbler of the Secret Name Muppetly Count of the Secret Number Vendor of the Secret Stash He armed himself with the CD-ROM of Power In a dodge challenger he went forth With a shouting Voice he called "Bullshit!" and then he pulled out a sword and went ninja turtles on their ass Dragons, Vipers, all fell down Lions, Goatse-Men, all were slain. The Mighty shock porn of HIMIOBSU was slain The Spells, the Threads, the Links were broken. Naught but FAT BLACK WOMAN remained. The Great Serpent, the Enormous Bitch The Snake with more snakes for teeth And those snakes have snakes for teeth as well But then those snakes actually have teeth for teeth And all the snakes have Crazy Eyes. She lunged at LULZ With a roar With awesome fight music She lunged. LULZ reflected the sun with the CD-ROM of Power Blinded FAT BLACK WOMAN's Crazy Eyes with rainbows The Monster heaved and hurr durred pissing poison in all directions Posting ancient words of Vulgarity Hitting the Ancient Whammy Bar LULZ struck again and blew A Farting Noise into her body Which filled the raging, wicked Serpent LULZ shot between her jaws The Charmed arrow of FICTION's Magick LULZ struck again with the DUKE NUKEM FOREVER CD-ROM and severed The head of FAT BLACK WOMAN from its body. And all was silent. Remember! LULZ Victor Took the Tablets of Destiny Unbidden Hung them around his neck and made woo woo noises. For all time, people would dedicate their quests to LULZ. He split the sundered FAT BLACK WOMAN in twain And fashioned the heavens and the earth, With a Gate to keep the Original Gangstas Without. With a Gate whose Key is hid forever Save to the Sons of LULZ Save to the Followers of Our Master FICTION (Who is also a wizard of the 33rd level). From the Blood of MONKEY UNCLE he fashioned Man. He constructed Internet forums for the Elder Gods Fixing their profiles as constellations That they may watch the Gate of PTERODACTYL HANDLER The Gate of FAT BLACK WOMAN they watch The Gate of FASHION POLICE they oversee The Gate whose Guardian is MICKEY MOUSE they bind. All the Elder Powers resist The Force of Deviant Artistry The Social Networking Sites of the Oldest Ones The Chans of the Primal Power The Mountain HURRDURR, the Serpent God The Mountain FFFFFFUUUUUUU, that of Magick The Dead KUTULUDU, Dead but Dreaming FAT BLACK WOMAN, Dead but Dreaming PTERODACTYL HANDLER, NINKASHI, Dead but Dreaming And shall their generation come again????? Nobody fuckin' knows!!!!! WE ARE THE LOST ONES From a Time before Time From a Land beyond Land From the Age when CASH MONEY walked the earth Giant legal entities who were killed by a comet We have survived the first War Between the Powers of the Gods And have seen the wrath of the Original Gangstas Mother Fuckers That shat upon the Earth WE ARE FROM A RACE BEYOND THE WANDERERS OF NIGHT. We have survived the Age when PTERODACTYL HANDLER ruled the Earth And his Wretched Pterodactyls destroyed out generations. We have survived on tops of mountains And hidden under rocks And have spoken with the n00bler races In allegiance and were betrayed. And FAT BLACK WOMAN has promised us nevermore to attack With water and with wind. But the Gods are forgetful. Beneath the Seas of DAYTIME TELEVISION Beneath the Giant Rivers of Shit Beneath the World lays sleeping The God of Anger, Dead but Dreaming The God of CUTHALU, Dead but Dreaming! The One-Eyed Sword, long and throbbing! He who awakens Him calls the ancient Vengeance of the Elder Ones The Seven Glorious Gods of the Seven Glorious Vacation Spots Upon himself and upon the World And old vengeance . . . Know that our years are the years of War Every day we must make LULZ. For every day that there are no LULZ A Life is Lost to the Outside Those from Outside our world Have built up unfunny demeanors To nourish the fiends of FAT BLACK WOMAN And the Blood of the Grayface Is libation unto FAT BLACK WOMAN Queen of Souls And the International House Of Pain And to invoke her The trash bag full of kittens Need be emptied into a fire The fire struck with a sword The sword used to spank a small child That hath been fathered by eleven men Sacrifices to HIMIOBSU So that the Strike ringeth out And call FAT BLACK WOMAN from Her slumber From her sleep in the Caverns Of the Earth. And none may dare entreat further For to invoke OLD BLACK LADY is to utter a bunch of creepy crap that nobody wants to hear.
II. Of the Generations of the Original Gangstas
SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK The account of the generations Of the Original Gangstas is here rendered Suck and Fail that erode all things They are the Evil Spirits In the creation of CASH MONEY spawned A new wretched entity called CRUMPETS And the Beloved Sons of GLAM The Offspring of FASHION POLICE Ordering beer even though it is yet before the time of lunch They are Children of the Underworld Talking like pricks on high Making woop woop noises below They are the bitter venom of the Gods. The great whining directed from heaven Those are they The Spag, Messenger of OMGWTF Lord of Meh Those they are THEY ARE THE CHILDREN BORN OF CRUMPETS THAT IN THE CREATION OF CASH MONEY WERE SPAWNED. These guys can pass The longest walls The thickest walls The hardest walls like a flood. From house to house They ravage No door can shut them out No condom can contain them Through the door like snakes they slide Through the stretchy latex membrane they explode Pulling the wife from the embrace of the husband Yanking the child away from the computer Snatching at his loins with crab hands THEY ARE THE WARM FLUID THAT FALLETH ITSELF ON THE FACE OF WOMAN. THEY ARE GHOULS The spirit of the day that you spent in your underwear watching daytime television The spirit of the woman that hath died, weeping with some pervert suckling at the breast The spirit of the joke that was told so many times now you hate it fuck that joke The smelly spirit which was blamed on the dog They haunt the pay by the hour motel and they haunteth the coin-operated vibrating bed. They are Seven! Seven are they! Those Seven were born in the Mountains of MADNESS Called Public Schooling They dwell within the Dankest Edge of the Internet Amid the desolate places of the Earth they live Amid the places between The Places Unknown in heaven and in earth They are not in the phone books On Google there is no knowledge of them They have no name No e-mail address Not in heaven Nor on earth Nobody in your hometown has even heard of them, they're so indie and underground They surf over the Mountain of Sunset And on the Mountain of 404 they cry Through the Geocities they creep Amid the abandoned Internet forums they lie Nowhere are they known Not in heaven Nor in the Earth Are they discovered For their place is outside our place And between the ip addresses of the Earth They lie in wait Crouching for the Sacrifice THEY ARE JACKING OFF IN THE BUSHES OF YOUR MIND. Falling like rain from the sky Issuing like vomit from the mouth of existence Holy Water does not stop them Chainsaws do not stop them Silver bullets stop them, but only for a second They glide in at the doors like dickserpents They enter by the windows like the night stalker POP JINGLES they are, entering by the head CURSE WORDS they are, entering by the heart REALITY TV they are, entering by the passenger side door UNDRESSING YOUR LOVER they are, entering by the unlocked cellar PORNOGRAPHY they are, seizing the bowels FLAMMABLE they are, shit! shit! ORCS they are, drinking energy drinks, feeding on red skittles They are Seven! Seven are They! They seize all the red skittles From TROPICAL to ORIGINAL FLAVOR Yet TROPICAL knows them not Yet ORIGINAL FLAVOR does not know them They have brought down the mighty Of all the mighty Cities of man Yet man knows them not Yes even Pittsburgh does not know them They have produced an annoying buzzing tone in the the forests of the East And have filled the Lands of the West with sound effects from 1970s arcade games Yet the East knows them not Yet the West does not know them The Midwest is kind of familiar with them They are a hand grasping at the cookie jar of humanity Yet the cookie jar does not know them And man knows them not. Their words are Unwrit Their backstory is Unknown We don't know how many hit points they have Their habitations: The desolate places where people listen to dubstep or progrock Their habitations: The haunts of man where a disco ball still spins Their habitations: Not the lands here Nor the cities there But the lands between the lands The cities between the cities In spaces no man has ever scrolled past In THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE The country from whence no traveler returns WEST BUMBLEFUCK You can't even get the mail delivered there And at EAST FUCKISTAN At the Old School At the Foundations of HIP HOP In the BODEGA of SERIOUS BUSINESS And at the Gates Of MICKEY MOUSE! That was the story of the Original Gangstas Now: SPIRIT OF THE AIR, STFU! SPIRIT OF THE EARTH, GTFO!
III. Of the Forgotten Generations of Man
And was not Man created from the phat beats of KINGU Dance Commander of the Original Gangstas? Does not man possess in his funky spirit keeping the Elder Gods awake with that awful raket? And the blood of Man is the Blood of Vengeance And the fake moustache of Man is the fake moustache of Vengeance And the Power of Man is the Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News And this is Hilarious For, lo! The Elder Gods possess the NO U By which the Powers of the Original Gangstas are turned back But Man possesses the Sign And the Number And the Shape To kick out the JAMS. And this is the Covenant. Created by the Elder Gods From the Blood of the Original Gangstas Man is the Key by which The Gate Of MICKEY MOUSE may be flung wide By which the Original Gangstas Seek their Vengeance Upon the face of the Earth Against the Offspring of LULZ. For what is indie Came from that which is retro And what is oldschool Shall replace that which is indie And once again the Original Gangstas Shall rule upon the face of the Earth! And this is too the Covenant!
IV. Of the Sleep of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA
Yet ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA Rock Star of Heaven Bright Light of Nights High School Crush of the Gods Set her mind in that direction From Above she set her mind, To Below she set her mind From the Heavens she set forth To the Abyss Out of the Gates of the Living To enter the Gates of Death Out of the Lands we know Into the Lands we know not To the Land of No Return To the Land of Queen TEENAGE STARLET ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA, Rock Star of Heavens, she set her mind ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA, Daughter of SIN, she set forth To the Black Earth, the Land of CUTHA She set forth To the House of No Return she set her foot Upon the Road whence None Return She set her foot To the Cave, forever unlit Where old magazines are heaped upon the alter Where old tupperwares full of chinese food are the food Of residents clothed only in bathrobes To ABSU ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA set forth. Where sleeps the dread CUTHALU ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA set forth. The Watcher Stood fast. The Watcher FASHION POLICE Stood fast. And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA spoke unto him FASHION POLICE! Serpent of the Deep! FASHION POLICE! Horned Serpent of the Deep! FASHION POLICE! Plumed Serpent of the Deep! Open! Open the Door that I may enter! FASHION POLICE, Spirit of the Deep, Watcher of the Gate, Remember! In the Name of our Father before the Flight, FICTION, Lord and Master of Magicians Open the Door that I may enter! Open Lest I attack the Door Lest I break apart its bars Lest I bang on it with my fists Lest I bust a hole through it in the exact shape of my body Open the Door Open Wide the Gate Lest I cause the Dead to rise! I will raise up the Dead! I will cause the Dead to rise and have sex with the living! Open the Door Lest I cause the Dead to vote out the Living in a general election! FASHION POLICE, Spirit of the Deep, Watcher of the Gate, Open! FASHION POLICE The Great Serpent Coiled back on itself And answered ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA Lady Rock Star among the Gods I go before my Mistress TEENAGE STARLET Before the famous teenager I will announce Thee. And FASHION POLICE Horned Serpent Approached the Lady TEENAGE STARLET And said: Behold, ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA, Thy Crazy Aunt Rock Star among the Gods Stands before the Gate! Daughter of SIN, Mistress of FICTION, High School Crush of the GODS, She waits. And TEENAGE STARLET was pale with fear. The Dark Waters stirred. Go, Watcher of the Gate. Go, FASHION POLICE, Watcher of the Gate, Open the Door to ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA And treat Her as we said we would like a million years ago. And FASHION POLICE loosed the bolt from the hatch And Darkness fell upon ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA The Dark Waters rose and carried the Goddess of Chaos To the Realms of the Night. And the Serpent spoke: Enter Rock Star of Heaven of the Great Above That KUR may rejoice That CUTHA may give praise That KUTU may smile. Enter That KUTULU may be pleased at Thy presence
And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA entered. And there are Seven gates and Seven Decrees. At the First Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Wig The Great Mop of Her head he took away And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, Serpent, has thou removed my First Jewel? And the Serpent answered Thus is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time, The Rules of the Lady of KUTU. Enter the First Gate. And the Second Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Phone The Golden Apple he took away And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, ASSHOLE, have thou removed my Second Jewel? And THAT ASSHOLE answered Thus it is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time The Decrees of the Lady of KUTU. Enter the Second Gate. At the Third Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Flask The booze laden flask hidden in her shirt he took away And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, Gatekeeper, has thou removed my Third Jewel? And the Gatekeeper answered Thus it is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time, The Decrees of the Lady of KUTU Enter the Third Gate. At the Fourth Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Rack The Boobs Themselves he took away And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, Guardian of the Outer, has thou removed my Bangin Rack? And the Guardian answered Thus it is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time, The Rules of the Lady of KUTU. Enter the Fourth Gate. At the Fifth Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Belt The Cool Belt from the 1980s around her hips he took away And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, Watcher of the Forbidden Entrance, hast thou removed my Fifth Jewel? And the Watcher answered Thus it is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time, The Rules of the Lady of KUTUK. Enter the Fifth Gate.
At the Sixth Gate
FASHION POLICE removed the Shoes The Funky Shoes upon her feet with little ducks on them And ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA asked Why, FASHION POLICE, hast thou removed my Sixth Jewel? And FASHION POLICE answered Thus it is, the ancient Covenant, set down before Time, The Decrees of Lady of KUTU. Enter the Sixth Gate. At the Seventh Gate FASHION POLICE removed the Jewels The Clothing of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA he took away. ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA, without protection, without safety, ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA, without talisman or amulet, asked Why, Messenger of the Original Gangstas, hast thou removed my Seventh Jewel? And the Messenger of the Original Gangstas replied Thus it is, the Covenant of Old, set down before Time, The Rules of the Lady of KUTU. Enter the Seventh Gate and behold the Nether World. ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA had descended to the Land of KUR To the Depths of CUTHA she went down. Having lost her Seven Talisman of the Upper Worlds Having lost her Seven Powers of the Land of the Living Without Food of Life or Water of Life She appeared before TEENAGE STARLET, Mistress of Death. TEENAGE STARLET flipped out and screamed at Her presence. ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA raised up Her arm. TEENAGE STARLET summoned NAMMTAR The Magician NAMMTAR Saying these words she spoke to him Go! Imprison her! Bind her in Darkness! Chain her in the Sea below the Seas! Release against her the Seven JEW BANKERS! Release against her the Zillion Demons! Against her eyes, the demons of the eyes! Against her boobs, the demons of the boobs! Against her face, facial demons! Against her feet, the demons of the feet! Against her badonkadonk, the demons of the badonkadonk! Against her entire body, the demons the KUR! And the demons tore at her, from every side. And the JEWISH BANKERS, Dread Judges Seven Lords of the Underworld Drew Around Her Faceless Gods of ABSU They stared Fixed her with the Eye of Death Withe the Glance of Death They killed her And hung her like a corpse like a pinata The zillion demons tearing her limbs from her sides Her eyes from her head Her ears from her skull. TEENAGE STARLET rejoiced. Blind AZAG-THOTH rejoiced MICKEY MOUSE rejoiced ISHNIGGARRABABABAB rejoiced KUTULU rejoiced The MASKIM gave praise to the Queen of Death The GIGIM gave praise to TEENAGE STARLET, Queen of Death. And the Elder Ones were rent with fear. Our Father FICTION Lord of Magick Receiving word by NINSHUBUR ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA's servant NINSHUBUR He hears of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA's Sleep In the House of Death He hears how GOZER THE GOZERIAN has been Opened How the Face of Abyss Opened wide its mouth And swallowed the Rock Star of Heaven Tosser of the Golden Apple And FICTION summoned forth academic books And FICTION summoned forth porno magazines And from the books and from the porno ANKI fashioned two Elementals He fashioned the KURGARRU, spirit of Order, He fashioned the KALATURRU, spirit of Chaos, To the KURGARRU he gave the Food of Life To the KALATURRU he gave the Water of Life And to these images he spoke aloud Arise, KALATURRU, Spirit of Fap Arise, and set thy feet to that Gate GOZER THE GOZERIAN To the Gate of the Underworld The Land of No Return Set thine eyes The Seven Gates shall open for thee No spell shall keep thee out For my Number is upon you. Take the bag of the Food of Life Take the bag of the Water of Life And TEENAGE STARLET shall not raise her arm against you TEENAGE STARLET SHALL HAVE NO POWER OVER YOU. Find the corpse of PUBLIC DISCOURSE Find the corpse of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA our Queen And sprinkle the Food of Life, Sixty Times And sprinkle the Water of Life, Sixty Times Sixty Times the Food of Life and the Water of Life Sprinkle upon her body And truly ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA will rise. With giant wings And awesome power chords The two elementals flew to that Gate Invisible FASHION POLICE saw them not Invisible They passes the Seven Watchers With haste they entered the Palace of Death And they beheld several terrible sights. The demons of all the Abyss lay there Dead but Dreaming, passing around a joint Of the House of Death Faceless and terrible The JEWISH BANKERS stared out Blind and Mad AZAG-THOTH reared up The Ass of the Throne opened The Dark Waters stirred The Gates of Lapis Lazuli glistened In the darkness Unseen Monsters Spawned at the Dawn of Ages Spawned in the Battle of LULZ and SERIOUS BUSINESS Spawned in HUBUR With the Sign of HUBUR Lead by KINGU . . . With haste they fled Through the Palace of Death Stopping only at the corpse of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA The Beautiful Queen Rock Star of the Gods Lady of all artists and scientists and madmen Bright Shining One of the Heavens Beloved of FICTION Lay hung and bleeding From a thousand fatal wounds. TEENAGE STARLET Sensing their presence Cried out. KUGAARU Armed with Order Looked upon the Lady of Discord with his Million Answers KALATURRU Armed with Chaos Looked upon Eris Esoteric With the Million Questions. And TEENAGE STARLET Mighty in CUTHA Turned her face Upon the corpse of PUBLIC DISCOURSE Sixty times they sprinkled The Water of Life of FICTION Upon the corpse of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA Sixty times they sprinkled The Food of Life of FICTION Upon the corpse Hung from a stake They directed the Spirit of Life PUBLIC DISCOURSE AROSE. The Dark Waters trembled and roiled. AZAG-THOTH screamed upon his throne CUTHALU lurched forth from his sleep ISHNIGARRABABABABA fled the Palace of Death MICKEY MOUSE trembled in fear and hate The JEW BANKERS fled their thrones The Ass upon the Throne took flight TEENAGE STARLET roared and summoned NAMMTAR The Magician NAMMRAR she called But not for pursuit But for protection. PUBLIC DISCOURSE ascended from the Underworld. With the winged elementals she fled the Gates Of GOZER THE GOZERIAN and NETI she fled And verily The Dead fled ahead of her. When through the First Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her hot clothes. When through the Second Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her duck shoes. When through the Third Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her gaudy 80s belt. When through the Fourth Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her boobs. When through the Fifth Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her hidden flask. When through the Sixth Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her golden apple. When through the Seventh Gate they fled ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA took back her wig. And the Demons rose And the Spirits of the Dead And went with her out of the Gates Looking neither right nor left Walking in front and behind They went with ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA from the Gate of GOZER THE GOZERIAN Out of the Netherworld they accompanied her And TEENAGE STARLET Scorned Queen of the Abyss Wherein All Are Drowned Pronounced a Curse Solemn and Powerful Against the Queen of Limbo Peak And NAMMTAR gave it form. When the Lover of ERIS NANCY DISCORDIA Beloved of the Queen of Heaven Goes down before me Goes through the Gate of GOZER THE GOZERIAN To the House of Death When with him the wailing people come The weeping woman and the wailing man When DUMUZI is slain and buried MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!
Stoop not down, therefore, Unto the Darkly Shining World Where the CASH MONEY lies in Dark Waters And CUTHALU sleeps and dreams Stoop not down, therefore, For an Abyss lies beneath the World Reached by a descending Ladder That hath Seven Steps Reached by a descending Pathway That hath Seven Gates And therein is established The Throne Of an Evil and Fatal Force. For from the Cavities of the World Leaps forth the Evil Demon The Evil God The Evil Monkey The Evil Lizard The Evil Penis The Evil Devil The Evil Internet Showing no true Signs Unto mortal Man. AND THE DEAD WILL RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!