“Hey, come back and a get a Red Bull.”
“Good riddance to him. We had a real freak on our hands. That kid made me nervous, did you see his typing? Jesus, this is good medicine”
“Move over, I'll log us out. Time to leave before that kid finds a mod.”
“Shit, that'll be for hours, its nighttime in Europe.”
“Its night here too.”
“Lets turn around and go back to FFC, they won't look for us there.”
“Open a beer.”
“There is a place called Sohentai. As your wingman, I suggest we stop and take part in some spamming.”
“Its absolutely imperative we make our way towards 4chan before nightfall, or we wont be able to register and be locked out.”
“OK, but lets forget that bullshit about the trolling, the important thing is the great pr0n dream. I think its time to chew up a blotter, that cheap energy drink wore off a long time ago.”
“I like it. We should fill a syringe with the stuff and inject it into the blood.”
“No, forget that for now. But here's this, your half of the blotter. Just chew it up like baseball gum”
I took it and ate it. “How long do I have?”
“About half an hour. I suggest you find a faster proxy!”
Why Are You Still Alive Opie? This line appears in my notebook for some reason. Perhaps some connection with Chef Diesel. Is he still alive, still able to troll? I remember that trolling, horribly twisted stuff on PD.com, about four pages away from the Mgt. A very painful experience in every way, a proper end to 2005. Buddha's Ghost Penis imprisoned by some hentai freak extremists, Autoerotic Asphyxiation killed by a browser bomb, many Hustla's killed by mutants. But that was some other era, burnt out and long gone from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord 2007. A lot of things had changed with those years, and now I was on 4chan with HIMEOBS, a slick new trolling group who had sent me out here for no reason anyone claimed to understand. “Just check it out” they said.
Indeed, check it out.
When we finally arrived finally at 4chan, Da was unable to deal artfully with signing up.
“May I help” a mod asked?
“Quiet, stay calm, stand straight and speak only when spoken to” I whispered to myself. “Name, rank and troll affiliation, nothing else. Ignore all of this, its not happening.”
“Sir, I said “may I help you?”” the mod asked again more forcefully.
“Hi there” I managed. “My name is....ah, Suitcase Nuke, yes, on the list thats for sure. Free lunch, fuck off huge sigs and total coverage, why not, I have my attorney with me and I realize his name is not on the list, but we must have that account! Yes, this man is actually my wingman and we trolled all the way from MW and its now time for /a/, right? Yes. Just check the list and you'll see! Don't worry. Whats the score here, whats next?”
“Your account is not ready yet, but here's an email. Someone wants to talk to you.”
“No, why? I haven't done anything yet!”
The mod's avatar was changing. Swelling and pulsing, horrible green jowls and jutting fangs, the face of a Moray Eel!
“Deadly poison!”
“Sir, are you alright?”
Captain Da stepped in. “Hi, I'll take this. My name is Dr Fnordiscordia and this man has a bad heart. I have plenty of medicine, prepare the account at once, we'll be in /b/.
“Two PBR's, thanks”.
Da read the email. “Who's Cupid Stunt? He's apparently waiting for us in /w/.”
“Name rings a bell....” but I couldn't concentrate. Horrible things were happening all around us. Next to me, a huge anime character was attacking a woman. The carpet was a blood soaked sponge, impossible to walk on, with no footing at all.
“Order some golf shoes, or we'll never get out of here alive! You notice these cartoon characters have no trouble walking through muck, its because they're animated!”
“Anime characters? You think we're in trouble now, wait until you see whats happening in /w/. I just went and spoke with this troll Cupid Stunt.”
“We know what you're up to!”
“I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a messenger.”
“Just remember Savage Henry!”
“Savage Henry? Listen, I'm just a messenger.”
“Well, he freaked.”
“What about the room, and our golf shoes? We're right in the middle of an Otaku wet dream. And somebody's giving booze to these goddamn nerds. It wont be long until they bore us to death. Look at the floor, Jesus! Have you ever since so much blood? How many have they killed already? Holy shit! Look at that bunch over there, they've already spotted us!”
