Author Topic: Fear and Loathing on the Internet  (Read 2086 times)

Cain

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Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« on: October 27, 2006, 06:44:49 pm »
We were trolling on MysticWicks with a shared account, somewhere on the edge of the internet, when the drugs started to take hold.

I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should takeover baiting" and suddenly there was a terrible roar and the forum was full of what looked like huge fluff bunny Wiccans, swooping and moaning and whining around our account.

"Holy Jesus, what are these goddamn animals?"

Very soon, we would both be completely twisted, but there was no going back, we would have to ride it out.

The backrooms of HIMEOBS were like a narcotics lab.  I blamed Captain Da. We had two bags of grass, 75 caffeine pills, two crates of Red Bull, 5 sheets of acid and a whole galaxy of uppers downers, screamers, laughers, half a salt shaker full of cocaine...and half a pint of raw ether.

Not that we needed that, but when you get locked into a serious trolling habit, the tendency is to push it as far as you can go.

Sympathy for the Devil was the only CD we had...so we played it on repeat as a demented counterpoint to the radio....

"Hey, there's a n00b who doesn't look like a moran, lets give him a go on the troll account."

"Are you crazy? That kid's probably an undercover admin."

Before I could mount any argument, we were logged out and I got the MSN message "hot damn! I never trolled a forum before!"
Is that right, well I guess you're about ready huh?
We're your friends, we're not like the others.
Oh Christ, he's gone around the bend....No more of that talk or I'll put the leeches on you.

How long could we maintain, how long before one of us starts raving and ranting at this boy?  This same website was the last known location of Giggles.  Will he make that same grim connection when the Captain starts screaming about bats and huge emo kids flaming his troll?

Well, we'll just have to post him disguised links of the Last Measure.  He'd report us at once to some Nazi moderator and they'd hunt us down like dogs.

Jesus, did I just type that?  Or just thinking it?  Was I writing?  Could he read anything?

Can you read this?
Thats good, because I want you to know we're on our way to Gaia.com to find the Trolling Dream.  I want you to have all the background because this is a very ominous assignment with overtones of extreme personal danger.  Hell, I forgot about the Red Bull, you want one?
Naw.
How about some ether?
What!?
Never mind.  I want you to understand that this man signing up the fake accounts is Captain Da, he's not just some dingbat I grabbed off the Strip.  Shit, look at him, he doesn't look like you or me right.  Thats because he's a foreigner  I think he's probably Tongan, it doesn't matter.  Are you prejudiced?
Hell no!
I didn't think so.  In spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me.  This is important goddamnit, this is a true story.

Hey, keep your hands off my fucking neck!
« Last Edit: October 27, 2006, 06:50:57 pm by Cain »
"The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before? Only the Logos allows one to mitigate that slavery. Only knowing the sources of thought and action allows us to own our thoughts and our actions, to throw off the yoke of circumstance."
- R. Scott Bakker, The Darkness That Comes Before

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2006, 06:54:48 pm »
Ye gawds, I love this....
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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2006, 07:00:14 pm »
Don't mind me Cain, I'm just admiring the shape of your skull.
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walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

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Cain

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2006, 11:51:43 pm »
Our vibrations were getting nasty, but why? I was puzzled, and frustrated. Was there no communication on this instant messenger? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? Because my story was true, I was certain of that. And it was extremely important, I felt, for the meaning of our trolling to be made clear.

Jesus, just one hour ago we were browsing though FFC, stone broke and paralyzed for the weekend, when some uniformed Hustla brought us a forwarded email and said: DIS MUST BE THA MESSAGE YUO'VE BIN WAITING FOR ALL DIS TIME, OPIE.
Yeah, uhuh, OK. That was from HIMEOBS HQ, they want us to go to Mysticwicks.com immediately and make contact with an Australian troll named Cupid Stunt. He'll have the details.
God, hell, I think I see the pattern. This one sounds like real trouble and you'll be needing plenty of backup from an experienced troll. My first advice is to get a very fast proxy and get out from FFC for the next 48 hours. This blows my weekend because naturally I'll have to watch your back and naturally we will have to take browser bombs.
Why not? If a thing like this is worth doing well, its worth doing right.

I tell you my friend, this is the trolling dream in action. Once we got the call from HQ we were told to make our way to MysticWicks and expenses be damned, we were wired over $200 raw cash for no reason at all. We'd be mad not to ride this strange torpedo out to the end.
Indeed, we must do it!

Getting hold of the drugs had been no problem, but getting an account on a site you have been banned from multiple times is not easy . We went to YTMND, where Captain Da made 17 posts before locating people with backup accounts there. Finally, two emails were answered and came back with very snarky replies of take these goddamn accounts and stop harassing me. And dont come back.
Oh we'll be back. One of these days we'll send a few hundred bots to your site! And I've got your IP from the email, I'll find all your personal sites! That'll give him something to think about, that guy is a paranoid psychotic anyway. They're easy to spot.

Our trolling was an affirmation to everything that was right and true in the national character,a gross physical tribute to the fantastic possibilities of the internet, but only for those with true grit.

STOP!

Whats wrong, we can't stop now!
My....heart, where's that....medicine?
Oh yes, the medicine. Its right here, don't worry. Da has a bad heart, angina pectorum, but we have the cure. Here's the medicine, right now.
Turn off that fucking music, my heart feels like an alligator. Volume, clarity, bass, we must have bass, what is wrong with us? Are we goddamn old ladies?
Watch your language you scurvy shyster bastard, you're talking to a scholar of strategic studies.
What the fuck are we doing here? Somebody call the police, we need help!
Hey thanks for the ride, I've got to go the n00b started.
Pay no attention to this swine, he can't handle the medicine. We're both trolls and we're on our way to Gaia.com to find the true Trolling Dream. This will be the main feat of our generation.
Listen, I really gotta go...
The truth is, that we are going to Gaia.com to croak a GNAA Don named Savage Henry. I've known him for years, but he narc'd us out. We're going to crash him forever.
And burn his hard drive. Whats this country coming to when a scumbag like him can get away with narcing out two trolls like us?
Thanks a lot for the password. I mean it, I like you guys... he said before logging out.
"The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before? Only the Logos allows one to mitigate that slavery. Only knowing the sources of thought and action allows us to own our thoughts and our actions, to throw off the yoke of circumstance."
- R. Scott Bakker, The Darkness That Comes Before

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2006, 01:21:52 am »
this is fucking swote.
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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2006, 08:08:56 pm »
double swote!
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Jenne

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2006, 09:06:04 pm »
 :-D  That was GREAT!!!!

Cain

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2006, 09:13:44 pm »
Hey, come back and a get a Red Bull.
Good riddance to him. We had a real freak on our hands.  That kid made me nervous, did you see his typing?  Jesus, this is good medicine
Move over, I'll log us out.  Time to leave before that kid finds a mod.
Shit, that'll be for hours, its nighttime in Europe.
Its night here too.
Lets turn around and go back to FFC, they won't look for us there.
Open a beer.
There is a place called Sohentai.  As your wingman, I suggest we stop and take part in some spamming.
Its absolutely imperative we make our way towards  4chan before nightfall, or we wont be able to register and be locked out.
OK, but lets forget that bullshit about the trolling, the important thing is the great pr0n dream.  I think its time to chew up a blotter, that cheap energy drink wore off a long time ago.
I like it.  We should fill a syringe with the stuff and inject it into the blood.
No, forget that for now.  But here's this, your half of the blotter.  Just chew  it up like baseball gum
I took it and ate it.  How long do I have?
About half an hour.  I suggest you find a faster proxy!

Why Are You Still Alive Opie?  This line appears in my notebook for some reason.  Perhaps some connection with Chef Diesel.  Is he still alive, still able to troll?  I remember that trolling, horribly twisted stuff on PD.com, about four pages away from the Mgt.  A very painful experience in every way, a proper end to 2005.  Buddha's Ghost Penis imprisoned by some hentai freak extremists, Autoerotic Asphyxiation killed by a browser bomb, many Hustla's killed by mutants.  But that was some other era, burnt out and long gone from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord 2007.  A lot of things had changed with those years, and now I was on 4chan with HIMEOBS, a slick new trolling group who had sent me out here for no reason anyone claimed to understand.  Just check it out they said.

Indeed, check it out.

When we finally arrived finally at 4chan, Da was unable to deal artfully with signing up. 
May I help a mod asked?
Quiet, stay calm, stand straight and speak only when spoken to I whispered to myself.  Name, rank and troll affiliation, nothing else.  Ignore all of this, its not happening.
Sir, I said may I help you? the mod asked again more forcefully.
Hi there I managed.  My name is....ah, Suitcase Nuke, yes, on the list thats for sure.  Free lunch, fuck off huge sigs and total coverage, why not,  I have my attorney with me and I realize his name is not on the list, but we must have that account!  Yes, this man is actually my wingman and we trolled all the way from MW and its now time for /a/, right? Yes.  Just check the list and you'll see!  Don't worry.  Whats the score here, whats next?
Your account is not ready yet, but here's an email.  Someone wants to talk to you.
No, why?  I haven't done anything yet!
The mod's avatar was changing.  Swelling and pulsing, horrible green jowls and jutting fangs, the face of a Moray Eel!
Deadly poison!
Sir, are you alright?
Captain Da stepped in.  Hi, I'll take this.  My name is Dr Fnordiscordia and this man has a bad heart.  I have plenty of medicine, prepare the account at once, we'll be in /b/.

Two PBR's, thanks.
Da read the email.  Who's  Cupid Stunt?  He's apparently waiting for us in /w/.
Name rings a bell.... but I couldn't concentrate.  Horrible things were happening all around us.   Next to me, a huge anime character was attacking a woman.  The carpet was a blood soaked sponge, impossible to walk on, with no footing at all.
Order some golf shoes, or we'll never get out of here alive!  You notice these cartoon characters have no trouble walking through muck, its because they're animated!
Anime characters?  You think we're in trouble now, wait until you see whats happening in /w/.  I just went and spoke with this troll Cupid Stunt.

We know what you're up to!
I don't know what you're talking about.  I'm just a messenger.
Just remember Savage Henry!
Savage Henry?  Listen, I'm just a messenger.

Well, he freaked.
What about the room, and our golf shoes?  We're right in the middle of an Otaku wet dream.  And somebody's giving booze to these goddamn nerds.  It wont be long until they bore us to death.  Look at the floor, Jesus!  Have you ever since so much blood?  How many have they killed already?  Holy shit!  Look at that bunch over there, they've already spotted us!
"The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before? Only the Logos allows one to mitigate that slavery. Only knowing the sources of thought and action allows us to own our thoughts and our actions, to throw off the yoke of circumstance."
- R. Scott Bakker, The Darkness That Comes Before

Jasper

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2006, 09:24:05 pm »
Somehow it's still fresh.  Good show.

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2006, 01:20:14 pm »
Godam.  I know it's a spoof, but it's fucking awesome.
LMNO
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The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

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Re: Fear and Loathing on the Internet
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2006, 11:13:11 pm »
On a semit-related topic, a moment of silence for 4chan.

*Tears up*