Author Topic: Introspektationalismicisms™ - How I Cheated Life as the SGitR And What Made Me  (Read 471 times)

PoFP

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An unidentified, and untreated anxiety issue can mutate the mind of an intelligent child into a self-replicating hunk of spaghetti in a matter of years. It starts out differently for different people. Anxiety is not identical in every person. My anxiety issue started out, much like my little brother's is starting out (At age 9): As an obsession with other peoples' feelings, and how they are caused and related by/to your actions.

This sounds like an OK start. Though, it is important to point out that it doesn't necessarily involve deep, affective empathy. Not to say it didn't have huge, affective implications. My life was centered around making sure other people felt ok. And if they didn't, I blamed myself.

This, of course, causes a huge decline in self-esteem. Obviously, people are not happy at all times, and no matter what you do in a situation, sometimes you can't make everyone happy.
But why? You try so hard. It ends up affecting you more than it affects them because you exaggerate the problem in your little kid mind, and turn it into horror, when it was only a minor annoyance.

This gets tiring after some time. You feel helpless all the time, and it seemingly never ends. You find ways to distract yourself, any way you can distract yourself. At the age of 7, there wasn't much in my life other than school. So I lost myself in the work. I competed for the highest grades in the hardest classes. My grades were the only thing I thought I could control. In a point in life where I felt powerless, I saw power in my ability to control my grades. When I started excelling due to my hyperfocus on schooling, I started to get praise. I was drowned in it. A after easy A, reward after reward, notoriety, and fame. ALL MINE. I did it. I controlled it. I could get it any time I wanted, and all I needed was to mention my grades. Now, even a slight recognition of someone else's feelings or problems warranted extreme praise. I was nice, AND smart.

It became an addiction. I sought control and praise wherever and however I could. "Spill your guts in this paper about Mandela" They said.
So I gave them 8 fucking pages of reworded text from the book. All I had to do was turn every sentence of the book section into something that looked like it came from me.
I got brought up to the front of the class and congratulated for this shit. I knew none of the information was mine, or even learned or memorized. But I took credit.

I started to apply this concept to the rest of my life. To my social interactions. To my thirst for recognition and power. I would cut out what I thought was bullshit: The thick of the information. And I'd just take what I could from whatever I read to apply it linguistically, and make it look like I was intelligent. I could copy other peoples' work and sentence structures. I could even understand the concepts I was reaping, but only did so enough to expand on them just enough to seem better.

I started comparing how I was treated to how other people were treated, and judging them based on that. I took my praise to mean I was better. My ego shot to the size of Mount Rushmore in a matter of years. No one could beat me. I impressed people with my regurgitated bullshit.

I started getting bullied by my Step-Dad. I had learned a new tactic that exercised both, control, and my "superiority." I would instigate my weaker friends when they were alone, piss them off, and dominate them when they stood up for themselves.

This ruined my ability to socially interact on any deep level, so my popularity dropped off. I began to attribute this to "their inability to understand me and my superiority." I became obsessed with cleanliness and appearance. I was disgusted by the fact that other kids didn't wash their hands. I mean, How could they? Everyone was told for so long that you were supposed to wash your hands after using the restroom every time. I mean, you'd just have to be stupid and animalistic to not wash your hands every time.

I became the easiest to raise by my parents, but I lost my sense of self-worth. I was worth only what other people saw in me. So I tried to show them my best sides. If people liked me, then I liked myself. If people noticed me, I noticed myself. I had, once again, become a puppet for everyone else, but in a different way, this time. I got rid of every little complexity and bit of individuality I had, and became an empty shell to survive the torture that the SGitR receives in Middle school and early high school.

I began doing everything you were "Supposed to do." That got me the most praise. Eventually, I became the quiet smart kid, who was into computers. I was a mystery in high school after a few years of making myself invisible and avoidant. Being invisible for so long had given me the ability to understand people a bit more. I realized that people loved seeing little, minor reflections of themselves.

I started copying peoples' mannerisms and behaviors, and adapting their senses of humor and ideologies, to build a me that others can relate to. I wasn't mentally developed enough to socially relate to people in any deep way yet, but the mimicry at least gave me a method to appear normal. I would use my mimicry to make friends with anyone I wanted. All I had to do was give them a reflection of themselves, but with only the good parts. Well, the parts that they saw as good. I would mold parts of myself, even as simple as my laugh, to be similar to theirs. I would tell the same jokes, and start liking the same things. I would become a sponge for influence to become desirable.

Now, over the last few years, I've been breaking away the old habits and forms of intellectual and social cheating, and discovering who I really am. I'm not fixed yet. But I'm on my way.
You guys are an important factor in this process. I've developed more, intellectually, since I've been here, than I have throughout the rest of my childhood. And, I figured I could give you some insight on the inner-workings of people I used to be like, and how some of them might have developed. Many of you mention interactions with them at least once a week, so I figured this information could be useful in either a conversion process, or a destruction process.

I know that parts of this were probably disjointed, and for that, I apologize. But this was thrown together at the end of my work day today while I still had the shit in my head.
Listen carefully. I don't have much time, and I only have 462 characters left. I'm a scientist from Area 52 (Area 51 was used to draw attention from Area 52, where the aliens were ACTUALLY stored) who was working on neural interfacing with networked devices. In an experiment gone wrong, I accidentally uploaded my mind to the internet. In the 2 seconds I had before my mind scrambled itself with the world's network traffic, I was able to store this snippet in this random internet signature. If you're reading this, let the world know tha