Author Topic: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!  (Read 2277 times)

Cain

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TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« on: February 25, 2008, 11:14:18 am »
Unlulzy "factual" post, hilarious declarations of war to come later.

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Nearly everybody hates cockroaches. But apparently none more so than Turkmenistan's post-Turkmenbashi (Saparmurat Niyazov) president, Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov. The Guardian reports:

   
Quote
For the viewers of Turkmenistan's popular nightly news programme, Vatan, it was another routine bulletin. But as the newsreader began the 9pm broadcast, viewers across the central Asian country spotted something unusual crawling across the studio table: a large brown cockroach.

    The cockroach managed to complete a whole lap of the desk, apparently undetected, before disappearing. The programme, complete with cockroach, was repeated at 11pm that night. ...

    [T]he consequences of this particular cockroach's impromptu five minutes of fame were immediate and severe.

    The country's president, Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, took news of the insect so badly that he responded by firing no fewer than 30 workers from the main state TV channel, the news website Kronika Turkmenistan reported yesterday.

Those fired included journalists, directors, camera operators, and technical staff.

President Berdymukhamedov has been praised for his efforts at ending Turkmenistan's isolation from the international community, and for reversing a number of Turkmenbashi's quirky laws, which include banning opera performances and disallowing foreign languages in school curriculum.

But cockroaches, it seems, warrant special measures. "Berdymukhamedov's apparent dislike of cockroaches may have something to do with his previous career as a dentist," the Guardian's Luke Harding speculates. Even so, Berdymukhamedov's extreme reaction suggests that Turkmenistan's days of mercurial leadership may not be over just yet.

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Yes, that is Luke Harding of "copying articles directly from The eXile" infamy.

As we all know, Turkmenistan's last ruler was a Discordian Saint in the truest sense of the word.  Saparmurat Niyazov named towns, libraries, schools, the days of the week and month and even a meteorite after himself or members of his family, banned ballet and opera, tried to build an ice palace, banned dogs from the capital, required all drivers to pass morality tests and made his biography part of the national cirriculum.  Among many other things.

However, his successor is clearly not blessed by Eris, so she dispatched her Loyal Servant and Messenger, St Gulik, to rectify the situation.  His reaction is clearly blasphemous, refusing the blessings of Eris Discordia, and so he must punished.

Hoopla

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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2008, 12:29:34 pm »
Isn't it sort of Discordia declaring war on Turkmenistan?
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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2008, 12:47:56 pm »
"Berdymukhamedov's apparent dislike of cockroaches may have something to do with his previous career as a dentist,"

i just wanted to point out that this sentence is one of those rare gems that make less and less sense, the more you think about it.
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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2008, 02:10:08 pm »
Saparmurat Niyazov was so fucking awesome, it hurts just to think about him.

Cain

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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2008, 03:50:25 pm »
Isn't it sort of Discordia declaring war on Turkmenistan?

A defensive Jihad.

President Berdymukhamedov will laugh at our five jokes, or he will die.

Quote
i just wanted to point out that this sentence is one of those rare gems that make less and less sense, the more you think about it.

Harding probably incorrectly copied it from somewhere.  But yes, it is fairly impressive.

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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2008, 04:13:42 pm »
Turkmenbashi is gone?

I missed the memo.
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Cain

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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2008, 04:18:44 pm »
He had a 'heart attack', IIRC.  Somewhere at the end of 2006, though the actual date is unsure, hence the ''.

Anyway, I just want to provoke senseless religious violence in a state in central Asia.  Especially one with lots of gas that isn't being put to the best use it could be.

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Re: TURKMENISTAN DECLARES WAR ON DISCORDIA!
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2008, 12:46:33 pm »
heh we should try to get the animal lovers into this too, just don't tell them its about a roach.
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