This piece, by the way, and the following followup will be printed in the Et Cetera Discordia
to centralize, I'm posting this piece's appendix below:
Bung Fu the Fool stood buck naked before the monk Nopants. Eventually, Nopants looked up over his morning newspaper. Surprised to see a peen at eye level before him, he spit coffee everywhere.
"Somehow," said the monk, who himself was naked from the waist down, "I was not prepared for that."
"Good morning Wise Master Nopants!" said Bung Fu cheerfully. "I did what you advised: I Let Go of everything so I could learn to swim on my own."
"That's bullshit," said Nopants, pointing at bung-fu with a spoon. "You're just parading around naked because you think it'll somehow enlighten you."
"But master, that's what you do!" cried Bung Fu, embarrassed.
"No," said Nopants. "I do it for me. You're doing like me. You haven't let go of anything. You just grabbed my shrapnel and made it your own."
Bung Fu thought about this. "Mise Waster Nopants, what am I supposed to do after I let go? I can't just let go of everything, that's not a good survival strategy."
"You're right," said Nopants. "But it's not really about letting go. It's about being able to let go. It's about realizing that all that stuff you're carrying around is mostly dead weight. So learn to live without that dross."
"And then what?"
Nopants leaned forward as if he was about to whisper a lesson or a great secret. Bung Fu leaned in, eager for instruction. Nopants reached out and slapped right in his goddamn monkey face.
"Think for yourself, shmuck!"