Author Topic: Five Blind Men and an Elephant  (Read 13428 times)

Reverend Loveshade

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Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« on: August 13, 2008, 01:50:18 am »
BloodStar Presents:
 
Five Blind Men and an Elephant*

being by
Reverend Loveshade,

Episkopos of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
who ripped it off from the Hindus/Jainists

 
(We realize that, in the era of the very late 20th century as this is being written, the title and
content of this story are politically incorrect. We apologize for any discomfort, but ask you to
remember that the original story was created long before political correctness, and is not intended
in any way to be offensive to elephants.)


One day five blind men, who knew nothing of elephants, went to examine one to find out what it
was. Reaching out randomly, each touched it in a different spot. One man touched the side, one an
ear, one a leg, one a tusk, and one the trunk.  Each satisfied that he now knew the true nature of
the beast, they all sat down to discuss it.

“We now know that the elephant is like a wall,” said the one who touched the side. “The evidence
is conclusive.”

“I believe you are mistaken, sir," said the one who touched an ear. "The elephant is more like a large
fan."

“You are both wrong,” said the leg man. “The creature is obviously like a tree.”

“A tree?” questioned the tusk toucher. “How can you mistake a spear for a tree?”

“What?” said the trunk feeler. “A spear is long and round, but anyone knows it doesn’t move.
Couldn’t you feel the muscles? It’s definitely a type of snake! A blind man could see that!” said the
fifth blind man.

The argument grew more heated, and finally escalated into a battle, for each of the five had
followers. This became known as the Battle of the Five Armies (not to be mistaken for the one
described by that Tolkien fellow).

However, before they could totally destroy themselves, a blind, self-declared Discordian oracle
came along to see what all the fuss was about. While they were beating the crap out of each other,
she examined the elephant. But instead of stopping after one feel, Eristotle touched the whole thing,
including the tail, which felt like a rope.  “It’s just a big animal with big sides, ears, feet, tusk teeth,
nose and a skinny tail,” she thought. “What a bunch of fools these guys are.”

Then Eristotle said, “Stop! I have discovered the truth. I know who is right.”

She being an oracle and all, they stopped and listened and said, “tell us!”

“I have examined the elephant with mine own two hands,” she said, “and I find that you are all
right.”

“How can this be?” they asked. “Can an elephant be a wall and a fan and a tree and a spear and a
snake?” And they were sorely confused.

Eristotle explained “the elephant is a great Tree, and on this tree grow leaves like great Fans to give
most wondrous shade and fan the breeze. And the branches of this tree are like Spears to protect it.
For this is the Tree of Creation and of Eternal Life, and the Great Serpent hangs still upon it.

“Unfortunately, it is hidden behind a great Wall, which is why it was not discovered until this very
day. It cannot be reached by normal means.

“However I, in my wisdom, have discovered a Most Holy Rope, by which the wall may be climbed.
And if one touches the tree in the proper manner which I alone know, you will gain Eternal Life.”

They all became highly interested in this, of course.

Eristotle then named an extremely high price for her services (Eternal Life doesn’t come cheap),
and made quite a bundle.



Moral: Anyone can lead blind men to an elephant, but a Discordian can charge admission.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

Reverend Loveshade

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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2008, 01:51:07 am »
"This story by Reverend Loveshade has appeared in the 1995 online Non-Existent Apocrypha Discordia, the 2001 Apocrypha Discordia (which is a distinct work--this is the only story common to both of them), Apocrypha Diskordia (German Version of the 2001 work), Book of Eris, Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, and Principia Harmonia. It is also the subject of a commentary by Al Barger, candidate for the United States Senate.  It has been released into the public domain."

I would like to clarify that this story, which also appears on Baron von Hoopla's site, does not technically appear in ED:TToS as the book is not yet completed, but it is planned for the work.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2008, 02:56:43 am »
dude, just fucking stop already.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2008, 03:40:43 am »
When I tell the elephant story, one man announces that the elephant consists is a nothing more than a protein sheath around a segment of RNA that causes disease, another that the elephant is about four inches long with pronounced incisors and powerful rear legs for jumping, another that the elephant has a tough fibrous body which converts uses sunlight to convert CO2 into sugars, another that an elephant is a gently pulsing blob of slime, and the last that it is a crystal lattice of sodium and chloride ions.

I really don't like syncretionists.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2008, 04:16:38 am »
"This story by Reverend Loveshade has appeared in the 1995 online Non-Existent Apocrypha Discordia, the 2001 Apocrypha Discordia (which is a distinct work--this is the only story common to both of them), Apocrypha Diskordia (German Version of the 2001 work), Book of Eris, Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, and Principia Harmonia. It is also the subject of a commentary by Al Barger, candidate for the United States Senate.  It has been released into the public domain."

I would like to clarify that this story, which also appears on Baron von Hoopla's site, does not technically appear in ED:TToS as the book is not yet completed, but it is planned for the work.

Nobody fucking cares. Besides, didn't you steal that version of the story from Camden Benares? Fucking lamer.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2008, 05:09:28 am »
Loveshade: You are a useless prick, your story is lame moralizing, and the ending could be seen from a mile away.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2008, 05:33:11 am »
You know when someone makes an ass out of themselves by trying way too hard to "fit in"? You're doing that, and it's been happening again and again. Everybody notices.

You know what makes it even more pathetic? When it's done by someone who's clearly too god damn old for that and it's been going on for AT LEAST 13 years. That story was first published in 1995, and you've managed to look back at it 13 years later and still go "it would be a good idea to show this to the world." You're quite the little bundle of change and growth, aren't you?
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2008, 06:45:56 am »
Too Loveshade, didn't read.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2008, 06:47:22 am »
lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?
The Jerk On Bike rolled his eyes and tossed the waffle back over his shoulder--before it struck the ground, a stout, disconcertingly monkey-like dog sprang into the air and snatched it, and began to masticate it--literally--for the sound it made was like a homonculus squatting on the floor muttering "masticate masticate masticate".

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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2008, 10:44:41 am »
lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?

well, duh!

if it's not 13 years old, Loveshade wouldn't touch it.

:rimshot:
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2008, 02:53:41 pm »
:lulz:
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2008, 03:17:25 pm »
So he took one of the older, better-known Sufi/Hindi/Islamic parables, changed the labels and slapped some "Discordian" crap onto it, and is now claiming it as his own - and potentially selling it?

Yeah ...
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2008, 06:56:13 pm »
Hmmm.  I must have been having a slow week.
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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2008, 09:27:39 pm »
lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?

well, duh!

if it's not 13 years old, Loveshade wouldn't touch it.

:rimshot:

WIN.
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Reverend Loveshade

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Re: Five Blind Men and an Elephant
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2008, 04:08:58 am »
When I tell the elephant story, one man announces that the elephant consists is a nothing more than a protein sheath around a segment of RNA that causes disease, another that the elephant is about four inches long with pronounced incisors and powerful rear legs for jumping, another that the elephant has a tough fibrous body which converts uses sunlight to convert CO2 into sugars, another that an elephant is a gently pulsing blob of slime, and the last that it is a crystal lattice of sodium and chloride ions.

I really don't like syncretists. (fixed)

Now that's a version of the story not even I've heard.  Cool.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com