Love makes us do stupid things to ourselves.
Best post in this thread.
Nigel, thank you for the compliment.
Suu had wonderful things to say about you as we hung out this weekend, and so all your posts sort of had mental highlighter on them for me as I started posting on the board. I checked out your website, too, and most of the time I had no clue what I was looking at, but somehow I still liked it
So many happy people having wacky fun. And that underground graffiti excursion -- damn! What's the story behind that? (Love your avatar, BTW.)
Anyway, I asked about fic vs. nonfic because I kind of had a gut feeling right off the bat that this was a true story. I didn't want to speak before I knew whether I was dealing with Real Actual Meat Heart Feelings
What you wrote really rang true for me, too. I just broke up with my girlfriend of one year -- not a long relationship, comparatively, I know, but she was my longest and most serious (and hands-down best) relationship ever. And we're negotiating the weird waters of transitioning from non-normative lovers to non-normative friends who aren't sexual but still sleep together. (I'm typing this on a laptop in her bed now. She's reading Weetzie Bat next to me.) And I read what you wrote, and I was like, "holy shit -- that is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from where I am in my life right now."
Nigel, it's super-clear that you have a rich inner life and a really profound knowledge of self, otherwise you wouldn't have such a clear understanding of your own desires, role, and responsibility in this situation. (And fresh off of a divorce, too -- that's so shitty! Know that I'm sending good vibes your way.)
I think you are wise to start by weaning yourself off of sex with Mr. Studio Manager. Sex will just keep chemicals in your bloodstream and habits in your skin that make your rational self go all wonky when he walks in the room. And it sounds like you're keying into the notion that it's your rational self that's going to have to plan, plot, and guide this change. That's totally true. But it's so fucking painful to transition over to your rational mind when your heart is aching and needy. I have tons of compassion for that. You should, too.
I think it was probably a big step for you to realize these things and commit them to paper (ahem, cursor). Bigger still to slap them up here for (shit-)talk. The cat's out of the bag now
My advice? Continue to give yourself time and space to process in this way, and slowly piece together a vision of a life for yourself that involves treating yourself with dignity, and finding a lover who deserves you and understands you. I don't want to hear you post any more bullshit about how your quirky needs and/or identity doohickeys limit the available pool of blah blah blah. In a different light, those same characteristics are parts of a larger blueprint pointing towards your ideal mate. You're experiencing one of those "must-have" characteristics right now! You need someone who will love you when the chips are down. Mr. Studio Manager, sex beast and gentleman that he is, is not at that place in his life right now. His fault or not, you need a mate who IS at that point, and will continue to be.
I say: get a new booty call who stays just a booty call to take good care of your sexual self, and at the same time keep on the path you started with this post: pooling your rational energies. (And the fantastic thing is this: if you let them, they will continue pooling and coming to your aid, because they're trying to nourish you, defend you, and heal you. There's a part of you that fuckin' knows better, and that's where this good energy is coming from.)
Hugs,
Dan
