Author Topic: That story  (Read 4259 times)

Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2008, 07:52:36 pm »
Nigel, this story really resonates with me. It sounds like my last serious relationship, which I don't think I'll ever be really fully over. I have no great wisdom.

My consolation was always the part where the girl uses all these feelings she has to be really creative--to write, to paint, to try to find other beautiful things in the world that she can enjoy and love as well, maybe going to museums, or learning photography, or learning to sew. It's not everything, but it's a start.

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm trying to do with it. Also drinking too much, which is something I need to knock off.

As for never really getting over it... sadly, that's true. I've gotten over most of my past relationships, but there were a couple of loves that left really deep scars when we split and I really don't expect I ever will get completely over them, after eight and sixteen years respectively. The way I feel about Boots is of similar intensity and I kind of suspect that it is the last time I will feel this strongly for anyone... not to be a drama queen, but I don't think I want to put myself in this position again, I don't usually feel this intensely about lovers, and finding someone who meets my rather unique requirements is kind of a challenge to begin with.
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

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Re: That story
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2008, 07:59:49 pm »
I was actually being autobiographical in my response, but I think y'all probably got that.

Love makes us do stupid things to ourselves.

Best post in this thread.

Love is a feeling, and most often that feeling is misery.

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Re: That story
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2008, 08:36:26 pm »
Nigel, this story really resonates with me. It sounds like my last serious relationship, which I don't think I'll ever be really fully over. I have no great wisdom.

My consolation was always the part where the girl uses all these feelings she has to be really creative--to write, to paint, to try to find other beautiful things in the world that she can enjoy and love as well, maybe going to museums, or learning photography, or learning to sew. It's not everything, but it's a start.

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm trying to do with it. Also drinking too much, which is something I need to knock off.

As for never really getting over it... sadly, that's true. I've gotten over most of my past relationships, but there were a couple of loves that left really deep scars when we split and I really don't expect I ever will get completely over them, after eight and sixteen years respectively. The way I feel about Boots is of similar intensity and I kind of suspect that it is the last time I will feel this strongly for anyone... not to be a drama queen, but I don't think I want to put myself in this position again, I don't usually feel this intensely about lovers, and finding someone who meets my rather unique requirements is kind of a challenge to begin with.

I salute you for having made it to a third. Seriously. After just one, admittedly only just shy of two years ago, I still don't want to ever give it a go again. I don't like that possibility.

I'm afraid I have no wisdom. I wish Eve and I lived near you, cause we'd totally take you out for a fun night on the town! :D
Be the trouble you want to see in the world.

Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2008, 09:04:35 pm »
I was actually being autobiographical in my response, but I think y'all probably got that.

I suspected as much.  :x

Quote
Love is a feeling, and most often that feeling is misery.


:tgrr:
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #19 on: October 07, 2008, 09:09:43 pm »

I salute you for having made it to a third. Seriously. After just one, admittedly only just shy of two years ago, I still don't want to ever give it a go again. I don't like that possibility.

I'm afraid I have no wisdom. I wish Eve and I lived near you, cause we'd totally take you out for a fun night on the town! :D

That would rule!

The main reason I made it to a third is that it totally snuck up on me. He started out as just a drunk midnight booty call, and then we started staying up all night talking, and then one thing led to another, and now... he fulfills every possible function of a boyfriend. Fuck, when he came in earlier today he came up behind me, put his hand on my hip, and nuzzled my cheek. He just took my car to go to the bank and buy me dog food and toilet paper. I would speculate that he wants us to get through this whole "divorce" scenario before exploring feelings of romance, but that would drive me insane. Insaner.

Also, I will think I'm doing OK when he's not around (where by "OK" I mean drunk and crying), but all he has to do is stand sort of near me and I am uncontrollably turned on. It's stupid.
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

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Re: That story
« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2008, 04:59:46 am »
Love makes us do stupid things to ourselves.
Best post in this thread.

Nigel, thank you for the compliment.

Suu had wonderful things to say about you as we hung out this weekend, and so all your posts sort of had mental highlighter on them for me as I started posting on the board. I checked out your website, too, and most of the time I had no clue what I was looking at, but somehow I still liked it :) So many happy people having wacky fun. And that underground graffiti excursion -- damn! What's the story behind that? (Love your avatar, BTW.)

Anyway, I asked about fic vs. nonfic because I kind of had a gut feeling right off the bat that this was a true story. I didn't want to speak before I knew whether I was dealing with Real Actual Meat Heart Feelings  :D

What you wrote really rang true for me, too. I just broke up with my girlfriend of one year -- not a long relationship, comparatively, I know, but she was my longest and most serious (and hands-down best) relationship ever. And we're negotiating the weird waters of transitioning from non-normative lovers to non-normative friends who aren't sexual but still sleep together. (I'm typing this on a laptop in her bed now. She's reading Weetzie Bat next to me.) And I read what you wrote, and I was like, "holy shit -- that is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from where I am in my life right now."

Nigel, it's super-clear that you have a rich inner life and a really profound knowledge of self, otherwise you wouldn't have such a clear understanding of your own desires, role, and responsibility in this situation. (And fresh off of a divorce, too -- that's so shitty! Know that I'm sending good vibes your way.)

I think you are wise to start by weaning yourself off of sex with Mr. Studio Manager. Sex will just keep chemicals in your bloodstream and habits in your skin that make your rational self go all wonky when he walks in the room. And it sounds like you're keying into the notion that it's your rational self that's going to have to plan, plot, and guide this change. That's totally true. But it's so fucking painful to transition over to your rational mind when your heart is aching and needy. I have tons of compassion for that. You should, too.

I think it was probably a big step for you to realize these things and commit them to paper (ahem, cursor). Bigger still to slap them up here for (shit-)talk. The cat's out of the bag now  :oops:

My advice? Continue to give yourself time and space to process in this way, and slowly piece together a vision of a life for yourself that involves treating yourself with dignity, and finding a lover who deserves you and understands you. I don't want to hear you post any more bullshit about how your quirky needs and/or identity doohickeys limit the available pool of blah blah blah. In a different light, those same characteristics are parts of a larger blueprint pointing towards your ideal mate. You're experiencing one of those "must-have" characteristics right now! You need someone who will love you when the chips are down. Mr. Studio Manager, sex beast and gentleman that he is, is not at that place in his life right now. His fault or not, you need a mate who IS at that point, and will continue to be.

I say: get a new booty call who stays just a booty call to take good care of your sexual self, and at the same time keep on the path you started with this post: pooling your rational energies. (And the fantastic thing is this: if you let them, they will continue pooling and coming to your aid, because they're trying to nourish you, defend you, and heal you. There's a part of you that fuckin' knows better, and that's where this good energy is coming from.)

Hugs,
Dan
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Re: That story
« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2008, 10:36:07 am »
Hi there Nigel,

As always & in all ways, I enjoy reading what you write!   :)   It made me think of something someone once said to me.

Love has to be lived for its own sake.

I've been learning it (or trying to, anyway) & living it (or trying to, anyway) my whole life.  Is more like remembering it & not forgetting it?
Fuck the status quo!

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Re: That story
« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2008, 01:36:05 pm »
Saturnine:

That was a great friggin' response. :mittens:
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Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2008, 07:45:25 pm »
Saturnine, thanks for such a long, awesome, thoughtful post! And thanks Suu, for saying nice things about me! :D

Right now I'm trying to figure out whether what's really going on meshes with what I'm perceiving, because I think I may be transferring some of my feelings of insecurity, rejection and heartbreak that realistically lie with my husband onto Boots. It's also confusing and difficult because I think I may simply be pushing too hard, perhaps unconsciously trying to fill the intimate void left by my husband, and if I slow down, back up, and breathe deeply, and let things go at their own pace without pushing it may either turn into what I'm wanting all on its own, or things may fizzle and become less intense... either way, I win, and I get to keep my friend. I did spend the night with him last night, just cuddling and sleeping, and it's amazing how "home" he feels to me. Maybe I just need to enjoy the status quo for a while, and see what happens in a few months.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2008, 07:47:43 pm by Nigel »
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

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Re: That story
« Reply #24 on: October 08, 2008, 07:51:37 pm »
Saturnine, thanks for such a long, awesome, thoughtful post! And thanks Suu, for saying nice things about me! :D

Right now I'm trying to figure out whether what's really going on meshes with what I'm perceiving, because I think I may be transferring some of my feelings of insecurity, rejection and heartbreak that realistically lie with my husband onto Boots. It's also confusing and difficult because I think I may simply be pushing too hard, perhaps unconsciously trying to fill the intimate void left by my husband, and if I slow down, back up, and breathe deeply, and let things go at their own pace without pushing it may either turn into what I'm wanting all on its own, or things may fizzle and become less intense... either way, I win, and I get to keep my friend. I did spend the night with him last night, just cuddling and sleeping, and it's amazing how "home" he feels to me. Maybe I just need to enjoy the status quo for a while, and see what happens in a few months.

Its always refreshing to see a woman that isn't entirely insane, this whole thread is full of nigelwin. ;-)
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Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2008, 07:57:42 pm »
 :lulz: Well, I'm trying...
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

saturnine

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Re: That story
« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2008, 08:06:13 pm »
Saturnine, thanks for such a long, awesome, thoughtful post! And thanks Suu, for saying nice things about me! :D

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

Right now I'm trying to figure out whether what's really going on meshes with what I'm perceiving, because I think I may be transferring some of my feelings of insecurity, rejection and heartbreak that realistically lie with my husband onto Boots.

BING! I totally bet you are. You're in the midst of dealing with a serious emotional loss -- a death, really -- and your needs for safety, security, understanding, physical affection, etc. far trumped the need to carefully arrange a working long-term relationship.

In that sense, your current relationship with Mr. Studio Manager may actually be a healthy thing for you, not in the sense that it's a sustainable, long-term-workable relationship, but in the sense that it offers an in-between step, a place to pause on the landing for a minute and catch your breath instead of falling straight out of a divorce and hitting the concrete.

It's also confusing and difficult because I think I may simply be pushing too hard, perhaps unconsciously trying to fill the intimate void left by my husband, and if I slow down, back up, and breathe deeply, and let things go at their own pace without pushing it may either turn into what I'm wanting all on its own, or things may fizzle and become less intense... either way, I win, and I get to keep my friend. I did spend the night with him last night, just cuddling and sleeping, and it's amazing how "home" he feels to me. Maybe I just need to enjoy the status quo for a while, and see what happens in a few months.

It also sounds like Mr. Studio Manager is a good "home" to be in while you get other aspects of your post-divorce life together. I think if you begin to shift your mentality from "this dude is the one" to "this relationship is exactly where I need to be right now," then the here and now will be a little more comfortable, and the horizon will have a little more room for you to build plans on.

 :D :mrgreen: :D :mrgreen: THIS WHOLE THREAD IS FULL OF NIGELWIN! :D :mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:
« Last Edit: October 08, 2008, 11:38:18 pm by saturnine »
Jesus. I leave for like a year and a half, and when I come back, it's like everything's different. What the fuck is this board -- ACTIVE or somethin'?
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Re: That story
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2008, 11:32:12 pm »
000, I would love if the story ended your way... but in all honesty most likely what will happen will be that I'll stop sleeping with him and he'll get insecure and pursue me for a while, but eventually it will just taper off and we'll just be friends and I will eventually fall for someone else. Maybe.

yes but i wanted to make you feel better ... :)
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Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2008, 06:42:41 pm »
Incidentally we've spent the last couple of nights together, and we talked a bit, and I feel much less freaked-out.
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

Nigel

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Re: That story
« Reply #29 on: November 01, 2008, 05:45:26 am »
Drunk bump of regret.
Tiny and Terrible Strap-On Fuckhorde of Tonight's Wrong Turn.

“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku