Author Topic: 1001 and one things...  (Read 3489 times)

Mangrove

  • Founder of the David Foster Wallace Appreciation Society
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 11756
    • View Profile
1001 and one things...
« on: December 02, 2008, 10:20:40 pm »
Dear publishing industry,

Please, please, please, STOP producing idiotic books with the title format:

 "1001 ____ to ___ before you die."

Guess what fuckos? My life isn't a check list. The quality of my life is not determined by the arbitrary standards that you set forth in your books.

Even if I were to complete all the assinine tasks set forth in your publications, what does that prove exactly?

 "It's ok, I watched all the 1001 stupid movies...I'm still a violent alcoholic who beats my wife but at least I got to watch some good tv before I died!"

 "Great! My life has meaning! I visited lots of countries and committed horrible crimes in all of them. Yay!"

"Thank you 1001 albums (to hear before I die). I still have cancer, but I finally got 'round to buying Abbey Road on CD, so it's all good."

I noticed that you haven't produced a book called: '1001 lifeskills to have so people won't think you're a douchebag when you're dead.' Similarly, I can't find '1001 enlightened behaviours' or '1001 nice things you could do for others if you weren't such a selfish prick.'

Now go find 1001 ways to insert a publishing trend into an orifice.


 :argh!:  :argh!:   :argh!:  :argh!:


What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

Manta Obscura

  • Ranked #1 Catholic Atheist by Good Morning, America
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 8104
  • There are no spoons in this spork-centric society.
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2008, 10:26:24 pm »
You make a really good, and funny, point here, Mangrove. But as a possible unintended consequence, I now have the urge to write '1001 lifeskills to have so people won't think you're a douchebag when you're dead.' I'm thinking it might make a good monthly installment in Intermittens.

Speaking of mittens:

 :mittens: to your post.
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

Mangrove

  • Founder of the David Foster Wallace Appreciation Society
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 11756
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2008, 10:28:54 pm »
You make a really good, and funny, point here, Mangrove. But as a possible unintended consequence, I now have the urge to write '1001 lifeskills to have so people won't think you're a douchebag when you're dead.' I'm thinking it might make a good monthly installment in Intermittens.

Speaking of mittens:

 :mittens: to your post.

I spend way too much time in the bookstore.  :lulz:

If you want to write "1001 Lifeskills..." be my guest!
What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

Dysfunctional Cunt

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 54764
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2008, 10:29:16 pm »
 :lulz:

:mittens:

While I agree 1000% I also think the possibilities to fuck with the basic idea are ENDLESS!!!

1001 _____ to/for/of _____ before you/caused by _____.....

ways - screw around - settle down

types - diseases - sitting on public toilet seats

Hoopla

  • "postmodern nihilist reactionary"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 27496
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2008, 10:30:10 pm »
Dear publishing industry,

Please, please, please, STOP producing idiotic books with the title format:

 "1001 ____ to ___ before you die."

Guess what fuckos? My life isn't a check list. The quality of my life is not determined by the arbitrary standards that you set forth in your books.

Even if I were to complete all the assinine tasks set forth in your publications, what does that prove exactly?

 "It's ok, I watched all the 1001 stupid movies...I'm still a violent alcoholic who beats my wife but at least I got to watch some good tv before I died!"

 "Great! My life has meaning! I visited lots of countries and committed horrible crimes in all of them. Yay!"

"Thank you 1001 albums (to hear before I die). I still have cancer, but I finally got 'round to buying Abbey Road on CD, so it's all good."

I noticed that you haven't produced a book called: '1001 lifeskills to have so people won't think you're a douchebag when you're dead.' Similarly, I can't find '1001 enlightened behaviours' or '1001 nice things you could do for others if you weren't such a selfish prick.'

Now go find 1001 ways to insert a publishing trend into an orifice.


 :argh!:  :argh!:   :argh!:  :argh!:





FUCKING YES.
"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

Mangrove

  • Founder of the David Foster Wallace Appreciation Society
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 11756
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2008, 10:31:42 pm »
:lulz:

:mittens:

While I agree 1000% I also think the possibilities to fuck with the basic idea are ENDLESS!!!

1001 _____ to/for/of _____ before you/caused by _____.....

ways - screw around - settle down

types - diseases - sitting on public toilet seats

A new genre is born!  8)
What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

Manta Obscura

  • Ranked #1 Catholic Atheist by Good Morning, America
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 8104
  • There are no spoons in this spork-centric society.
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2008, 01:57:49 pm »
:lulz:

:mittens:

While I agree 1000% I also think the possibilities to fuck with the basic idea are ENDLESS!!!

1001 _____ to/for/of _____ before you/caused by _____.....

ways - screw around - settle down

types - diseases - sitting on public toilet seats

A new genre is born!  8)

We should make a thread where we do a sort of Mad Lib style fill-in-the-blank based on Khara's formula and then, after picking the best "1001" entry, make another Mad Lib thread to create the list.

So if "1001 types of diseases to get before you die" wins, we could Mad Lib the equation:

(Means of contracting disease) by doing/by going/ by sleeping with (carrier of disease).

The possibilities are phenomenal.
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

AFK

  • We all
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 73111
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2008, 02:04:07 pm »
Knowing me, I'd only have the motivation and follow through to accomplish 2 or 3 of the things anyway. 

Also, I'm guessing you weren't a big fan of the movie The Bucket List, Mang.   :lol:
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

LMNO, PhD (life continues)

  • Internet Fuckweasel of Haunted Pork Dimensions.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 82328
  • Internet Fuckweasel of Haunted Pork Dimensions.
    • View Profile
    • Earfatigue Productions: When it has to sound like you give a shit.
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2008, 02:41:05 pm »
I second the idea to make this an ongoing section of Intermittens.

"An excerpt from the upcoming book 1001 things to do with a chicken before you die:*

745: Jam the quills just beneath the surface of your skin.  Go to the doctors' complaining of a rash.

970: Neckbone dildo.  Do it.

006: Slather with butter, salt and pepper, and roast it at 375 for 10 minutes a pound.





Etc etc.




*Title to change with every issue.
LMNO
Pope/Wrought Iron Instigator
First Church of Last Exit Before Toll
The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

"Get offa me, you freaks!  This is not North Korea.  No.  This is America, and I expect to be PAID for that sort of nonsense.  In advance.  No credit...Cash on the barrelhead or GTFO.  I swear to God, there's nothing more annoying than commie perverts who don't understand the intrinsic value of the free market system."

Manta Obscura

  • Ranked #1 Catholic Atheist by Good Morning, America
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 8104
  • There are no spoons in this spork-centric society.
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2008, 02:50:02 pm »
I second the idea to make this an ongoing section of Intermittens.

"An excerpt from the upcoming book 1001 things to do with a chicken before you die:*

745: Jam the quills just beneath the surface of your skin.  Go to the doctors' complaining of a rash.

970: Neckbone dildo.  Do it.

006: Slather with butter, salt and pepper, and roast it at 375 for 10 minutes a pound.





Etc etc.




*Title to change with every issue.

 :lulz:

Fantastic, LMNO.
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.

Dysfunctional Cunt

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 54764
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2008, 05:25:30 pm »
:lulz:

:mittens:

While I agree 1000% I also think the possibilities to fuck with the basic idea are ENDLESS!!!

1001 _____ to/for/of _____ before you/caused by _____.....

ways - screw around - settle down

types - diseases - sitting on public toilet seats

A new genre is born!  8)

We should make a thread where we do a sort of Mad Lib style fill-in-the-blank based on Khara's formula and then, after picking the best "1001" entry, make another Mad Lib thread to create the list.

So if "1001 types of diseases to get before you die" wins, we could Mad Lib the equation:

(Means of contracting disease) by doing/by going/ by sleeping with (carrier of disease).

The possibilities are phenomenal.

This is a great idea....  and combined with LMNO's idea from below, I think we have a winner!!!!

I second the idea to make this an ongoing section of Intermittens.

"An excerpt from the upcoming book 1001 things to do with a chicken before you die:*

745: Jam the quills just beneath the surface of your skin.  Go to the doctors' complaining of a rash.

970: Neckbone dildo.  Do it.

006: Slather with butter, salt and pepper, and roast it at 375 for 10 minutes a pound.





Etc etc.




*Title to change with every issue.

I LOVE IT!!!! 

Might want to drop it down to the top 10 or 101 just to be able to do it.


LMNO, PhD (life continues)

  • Internet Fuckweasel of Haunted Pork Dimensions.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 82328
  • Internet Fuckweasel of Haunted Pork Dimensions.
    • View Profile
    • Earfatigue Productions: When it has to sound like you give a shit.
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2008, 05:37:03 pm »
Actually, the point of my bit was to have oddly numbered excerpts.

So you weren't forced into a certain number.

Like, say you wanted to this:

Quote
An excerpt from 1001 ways to seduce your neighbor's underage daughter:

[censored]




See? you have a lot more options that way.
LMNO
Pope/Wrought Iron Instigator
First Church of Last Exit Before Toll
The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

"Get offa me, you freaks!  This is not North Korea.  No.  This is America, and I expect to be PAID for that sort of nonsense.  In advance.  No credit...Cash on the barrelhead or GTFO.  I swear to God, there's nothing more annoying than commie perverts who don't understand the intrinsic value of the free market system."

Dysfunctional Cunt

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 54764
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2008, 05:43:58 pm »
Actually, the point of my bit was to have oddly numbered excerpts.

So you weren't forced into a certain number.

Like, say you wanted to this:

Quote
An excerpt from 1001 ways to seduce your neighbor's underage daughter:

[censored]




See? you have a lot more options that way.


AH, I see now what you mean, I thought it was a random thing, not the oh, nevermind, still on the first cup of coffee....

BRAIN IS WORKING NOW....

Sorry, was having a breezy moment....  it will pass!!

I like BOTH ideas, and I don't know how to combine them.  DAMMIT!

Mangrove

  • Founder of the David Foster Wallace Appreciation Society
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 11756
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2008, 08:28:08 pm »
Knowing me, I'd only have the motivation and follow through to accomplish 2 or 3 of the things anyway. 

Also, I'm guessing you weren't a big fan of the movie The Bucket List, Mang.   :lol:

 :lol:

I didn't mind that movie....wasn't exactly Citizen Kane, but it filled an evening.

Actually, I don't object to what they did in the movie because it was a personal list. The tasks they completed had meaning to them. Listening to a load of albums or seeing a 1001 movies just because someone said I should however, is of an altogether different character.

Anyways, I like these ideas (MO, LMNO and Khara). Here's my latest submission:

 1001 Fatal Diseases to contract before you die.

What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

Manta Obscura

  • Ranked #1 Catholic Atheist by Good Morning, America
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 8104
  • There are no spoons in this spork-centric society.
    • View Profile
Re: 1001 and one things...
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2008, 08:40:22 pm »

 1001 Ailments to contract before you die.



Fixed, so I can make a few dumb jokes:

#218: Erectile Dysfunction. It's like the wingman that always leaves you hanging.

#122: Colon cancer. When you see it, you'll shit bricks.

#51: Color-blindness. Good luck passing art class.

#2: AIDS. Everybody's doing it . . .
Everything I wish for myself, I wish for you also.