Author Topic: Illuminati pickle barons  (Read 1767 times)

Porkslok

  • Known
  • *
  • Posts: 213
    • View Profile
Illuminati pickle barons
« on: November 17, 2009, 10:43:16 am »
You heard me.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/181/why-does-heinz-ketchup-say-57-varieties

Quote
Dear Cecil:

Thank you for the leg work. In case you're not aware, you've uncovered another Illuminati agent in Henry J. Heinz. Let me expand briefly. The Illuminati are an extremely secret sect, and have been among mankind practically from the beginning, originating, it is believed, in the Lost Continent, Atlantis. Being a secret, powerful, occult sect, the Illuminati gathered great mystical power from their use of the number 5. Five is an extremely strong number, still used in the worship of Satan, the power of our military, the logic of our digits, the points of our extremities, our senses, and a great many other things rooted in our collective psyche. Also important, and perhaps more powerful, is the combination of the numbers 2 and 3, equalling 5, of course. Two is the symbol for symmetry, and three, the divinity and others. It is a blatant game that the Illuminati are extremely fond of, flaunting their symbols to each other — the more bizarre the better, the more flagrant the waste of money, the better yet. Keeping this in mind, think again of the giant pickles, the man whose "mysterious" number is 57. (Remember, 7 is simply the repeating 2 + 3 cycle, i.e., 2 + 3 = 5 + 2 = 7 + 3 = 10 or 5 x 2.) Now observe the phone number — 237-5757. Ergo, buying Heinz products finances the Illuminati.

— Daniel K., Baltimore

P.S.: Notice how many letters in his first and last names.

Cecil replies:

Very interesting, Dan, and just the kind of thing we expect from a Baltimorean. I should point out, by way of amplification, that by using the digits 2 and 3 in appropriate combinations you can generate every integer (including 1, if you allow subtraction). In other words, the very foundations of mathematics are infected with Illuminism. Those guys are everywhere.

East Coast Hustle

  • Missile Command
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 46213
  • Omnimalevolent Polyfather of Exsanguination in Red
    • View Profile
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2009, 05:26:50 pm »
 :boring:
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

Hoopla

  • gives people the beeps
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 29918
    • View Profile
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2009, 05:46:11 pm »
First, we take the pickles, then we take Berlin.
"Soon, all of us will have special names." -Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." -Bob Dylan?

"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

Iron Sulfide

  • Gaping Fistula
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2070
  • Ablata At Alba
    • View Profile
    • High Viscosity Skeet Shoot
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2009, 08:21:43 am »
<<<
Ya' stupid Yank.

rygD

  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 443
  • Living tower of burning murderous arsebiscuits
    • View Profile
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2009, 06:43:23 pm »
And had he just waited one more post this would have been his 23rd.
:rbtg:

...nuke Iraq and give it to the Jews...

Doktor Howl

  • SHIT FIXER
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 385804
    • View Profile
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2013, 06:07:38 pm »
You heard me.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/181/why-does-heinz-ketchup-say-57-varieties

Quote
Dear Cecil:

Thank you for the leg work. In case you're not aware, you've uncovered another Illuminati agent in Henry J. Heinz. Let me expand briefly. The Illuminati are an extremely secret sect, and have been among mankind practically from the beginning, originating, it is believed, in the Lost Continent, Atlantis. Being a secret, powerful, occult sect, the Illuminati gathered great mystical power from their use of the number 5. Five is an extremely strong number, still used in the worship of Satan, the power of our military, the logic of our digits, the points of our extremities, our senses, and a great many other things rooted in our collective psyche. Also important, and perhaps more powerful, is the combination of the numbers 2 and 3, equalling 5, of course. Two is the symbol for symmetry, and three, the divinity and others. It is a blatant game that the Illuminati are extremely fond of, flaunting their symbols to each other — the more bizarre the better, the more flagrant the waste of money, the better yet. Keeping this in mind, think again of the giant pickles, the man whose "mysterious" number is 57. (Remember, 7 is simply the repeating 2 + 3 cycle, i.e., 2 + 3 = 5 + 2 = 7 + 3 = 10 or 5 x 2.) Now observe the phone number — 237-5757. Ergo, buying Heinz products finances the Illuminati.

— Daniel K., Baltimore

P.S.: Notice how many letters in his first and last names.

Cecil replies:

Very interesting, Dan, and just the kind of thing we expect from a Baltimorean. I should point out, by way of amplification, that by using the digits 2 and 3 in appropriate combinations you can generate every integer (including 1, if you allow subtraction). In other words, the very foundations of mathematics are infected with Illuminism. Those guys are everywhere.

BUMP

Scott The Cuck

  • Certified Prevention Specialist
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 34492
  • Can one really say that pot isn't reckless?
    • View Profile
    • Preventing another Big Tobacco
Re: Illuminati pickle barons
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2013, 03:10:39 am »
I want to laugh, but I can't.
It is my duty as a parent to stop the the weed basket of the east from bringing its variety of societal ills.

There is nothing wrong with being a cuckold. All love is sacred.