Author Topic: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.  (Read 11943 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« on: November 27, 2009, 05:21:08 am »
I am told, Nigel, that somewhere there are happy, normal people who live happy, normal lives.  I'm not sure where that place is, because here in Tucson, every day is just another day for fresh horrors to be scribed in the asphalt and the tenement walls and the overpasses.

For example, let's say you meet another person.  This person perhaps works in a really morbid job, and is just a little crazy.  Doesn't seem to be Bates Motel crazy, just enough crazy to catch my eye.  Because maybe I'm stupid.  Maybe she's a coroner, and maybe you decide to look past that because she's hot and she has a nice smile.

And let's say that things go really well for couple of weeks.  Things are, in fact, shaping up nicely.  

Then, let's just pretend - purely hypothetically, remember - that you both have a long weekend, and you wind up spending your first night at her place.  Well, you start out to, but things get a little sideways.  You eat a nice dinner, watch a DVD, then get really fucking weird all over each other.  Great night, right?

But then you get done, right, you get done and suddenly you have to take a shit.  Hey, that happens.  So you go to the bathroom and do your business.  But then, aw shit, wouldn't you know it, there's only like two pieces of toilet paper on the roll.  So you lean over and look under the sink, because that's where people keep their spare toilet paper.

And wouldn't you know it, there it is, so you grab it, and there's a little jar behind it...you know, the standard mason jar, looks like it's full of those cutesy little soap bits or something.  Only you knock it over when you get the toilet paper, and it rolls out onto the floor.

So you aren't going to leave a mess in your new SO's house, of course, so you pick it up to put it back, and you notice that it isn't soap.  Let's just say, and remember that this is all just supposition, let's just say that the jar is full of molars.  Probably a hundred of them.

So your brain locks up, and you just put things back right where you found them, and go to get dressed and leave RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  And when you walk back in the bedroom, she's half asleep and she smiles, only it doesn't look so fucking pretty now, now that smile is Eichmann and Mengele and Burke and Hare and you make an excuse and throw your boots on and leave.

And you drive the 30 miles home feeling weird, like a dog just walked up to you and spoke perfect fucking English.  And you try to call a person or two, you know, just to get your bearings, but it's late at night and nobody answers, of course.  So you get home, only it isn't home, it's your ex's house, and she hardly seems surprised to see you, but IS surprised when you curl up on the couch with a blanket and stare at the wall for a while, and then she stuffs something down your face and a half hour later you fall asleep.

And maybe in the morning, you don't feel a real urge to leave, because at least the ex is a kind of crazy you can deal with.  A known quantity.  Violent as hell, but no weird shit under the bathroom sink, what, souvenirs maybe?  And maybe you start thinking that everyone is fucking nuts, dangerously nuts, only they hide it really well...that maybe everyone you know has some horrible secret that would make your blood freeze in your veins if you only knew.

But remember that this is all just hypothetical.  Everything is just fine.  This is Tucson, after all, how could it be any other way?  We're all fine, down here.  We're so fine it sometimes makes you scream just a little bit, when nobody is listening.

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« Last Edit: November 27, 2009, 05:24:37 am by The Good Reverend Roger »
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Captain Utopia

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2009, 06:00:19 am »
Holy Fuck!

The Johnny

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2009, 06:05:07 am »
Its a little bit disgusting, but are you sure its a deal breaker?

God, if just it wasnt placed there maybe it would be less nauseating, now i got dentistry, death and feces floating around my head (with some vague feeling of coprophagia GODDAMNIT TGGR I JUST HAD DINNER)
« Last Edit: November 27, 2009, 06:08:45 am by JohNyx »

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2009, 06:11:12 am »
Its a little bit disgusting, but are you sure its a deal breaker?

God, if just it wasnt placed there maybe it would be less nauseating, now i got dentistry, death and feces floating around my head (with some vague feeling of coprophagia GODDAMNIT TGGR I JUST HAD DINNER)

 :fishhook:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2009, 06:35:37 am »
That's one hell of a "hypothetical," Roger. :x

Sir Squid Diddimus

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2009, 06:53:00 am »
Its a little bit disgusting, but are you sure its a deal breaker?

God, if just it wasnt placed there maybe it would be less nauseating, now i got dentistry, death and feces floating around my head (with some vague feeling of coprophagia GODDAMNIT TGGR I JUST HAD DINNER)

 :fishhook:

I think this is the best and only proper use of this smiley ever.
Also,  :aaa:

(I'm also a little jealous. All I have under my sink is a bunch of bath soap that I never wanted)

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2009, 06:58:06 am »
That's one hell of a "hypothetical," Roger. :x

I am a weirdness magnet. 
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2009, 07:02:14 am »
I'd say that, hypothetically, you should hang out with her again next weekend and bring it up to her casually, like asking her when she's gonna make you a sweet-ass necklace out of some of the teeth in that jar under the sink.
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Sir Squid Diddimus

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2009, 07:29:13 am »
I'd say that, hypothetically, you should hang out with her again next weekend and bring it up to her casually, like asking her when she's gonna make you a sweet-ass necklace out of some of the teeth swanky southern beads in that jar under the sink.

fixt (sorta)

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2009, 08:24:44 am »
That's right. If having a jar of teeth under her sink is the weirdest thing about her, you might have found yourself a perfectly nice normal girl that happens to have a collection of teeth under her sink. Just enough to fill her required weirdness quotum for your part of the world, but relatively harmless.

Assuming she got them from her job. I knew this girl who worked at a cinema, and she had to cut the movie reels, and secretly collected some of the frames of movies. This might be similar, except weirder? That girl was pretty weird in other aspects too btw.

I think you at least owe it to yourself (and perhaps herself) to find out what's the story with the teeth.

You can joke about it like RCH said or honestly tell her that it freaked you the fuck out and is why you suddenly left in the middle of the ngiht. Both are normal reactions. Hell, compared to finding a jar of teeth they barely register as mundane.

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if it would be something like at her coroner's job there's some kind of dental record identification procedure that requires or causes some of those molars to come out, and back in the day when she just started collecting them out of some weird fascination but she doesn't do that any longer for years now, however she couldn't bear herself throwing away those teeth, or rather, how the fuck are you going to get rid of a hundred teeth of a hundred different people in a sane and safe way cause if someone happens to find them in your garbage bag they're going to freak the fuck out like you did, except they might tell and she will lose her job or worse.

I'm also going to guess, that if she kept those teeth right there under the sink, she must have been single for the time she was collecting them. Cause keeping your toilet paper and tampons there is one thing, but a boyfriend coming over regularly is not going to want to shit next to a jar of molars.

And then on the other hand she could be a serial killer.

However, she could be a serial killer anyway, you know. Does the teeth thing make it that much more likely? You sure?

I guess if she wasn't a coroner, then you'd REALLY have a reason to freak out. Btw I just looked up "coroner", I thought it was the person doing the preparation of the body for burial or cremation, but I see it's actually the police job? That investigates and examines dead bodies? We call them pathologist-anatomists here. Makes access to molars a lot more likely.
Also makes it a lot more likely she is aware of the difficulty of getting rid of them safely if it was a mistake from her early career.

Hey and look at the bright side--Imagine how much fun you could have with a baggie of teef :) I dunno how positively identifying and traceable a single molar is, but if not, mailing one to people you don't like, or uhh hiding one at strange places, like a tip jar of places you don't like [think reverse tooth fairy!]

Mind you, I'm not trying to downplay your worries, I'd freak out myself as well. I'm just trying to give the episode a sort of positive swing, you know?
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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2009, 01:27:54 pm »
Damn.  And I thought I was weird because I kept my toenail clippings...
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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2009, 01:56:43 pm »
If anything the fact that she is a coroner makes me MORE comfortable about the fact that she has a jar of teeth. I'd really worry if she worked with living people and had that as a collection.
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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2009, 04:03:26 pm »
OMGZ ROGER MADE OUT WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!!!!!!!
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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2009, 04:32:03 pm »
Hahahahahhahahahah oh roger

that's wonderful


keeper right there


a girl with a jar full of molars

probably won't be phased by your shenanigans

OMGZ ROGER MADE OUT WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!!!!!!!

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

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Re: So Nigel, let's just talk in hypotheticals, here.
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2009, 04:40:47 pm »
I'd say keep her, though you may need to keep your bank account separate... I hear she has a habit of giving away money.
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"Back in my day, crazy meant something. Now everyone is crazy" - Charlie Manson