From the Om Nom NomiconI. The Spagan Text
Hearken, and Remember!
In the Name of ST. GULIK, Remember!
In the Name of CASH MONEY, Remember!
In the Name of RICHARD NIXON, Remember!
When on High the Heavens had not been named,
The Earth had not been named,
And Naught existed but the Seas of FAIL,
The Original Gangsta,
And FAT BLACK WOMAN, the Original Gangsta
Who bore them all,
Their Various Gross Fluids as One Gross Fluid.
At this time, before the MONKEY GODS had been brought forth,
Uncalled by Name,
Their destinies unknown and undetermined,
Then it was that the Gods were formed within the Original Gangstas.
TROUSER SERPENT and BACON were brought forth and called by Name,
And for Ages they grew in age and bearing.
DOM and SUB were brought forth,
And brought forth CASH MONEY
Who begat NARRATIVE, Our Master FICTION,
Who has no rival among the Gods.
The Elder Ones came together
They disturbed FAT BLACK WOMAN, the Original Gangsta, as they surged back and forth.
Yea, they troubled the belly of FAT BLACK WOMAN
By their Rebellion in the abode of Heaven.
BACON could not lessen their clamour
FAT BLACK WOMAN was speechless at their ways.
Their horrible dongs were loathsome unto the Original Gangstas.
TROUSER SERPENT rose up to slay the Elder Gods by stealth.
With curlies and fluids TROUSER SERPENT fought,
But was slain by the sorcery of the Elder Gods.
And it was their first victory.
His body was tossed in a cardboard shoe box
In a crevice of the heavens
He was lain,
But his e-mail autoresponder cried out to the Abode of Heaven.
FAT BLACK WOMAN
Filled with an Evil Motion
Let us make Monsters
That they may go out and do battle
Against these Sons of Crap
The murderous offspring who have destroyed
HIMIOBSU arose, She who drives the bus of existence,
And leader of trolls like unto Our Master.
She added goatses and longcats to the arsenals of the Original Gangstas,
She bore Internet-Trolls
Sharp of wit, short of attention span,
She filled their bodies with venom and flame
Roaring dragons she has clothed with Lulz
He has crowned them with anonyminity, making them as jackasses,
So that he who beholds them shall perish
And, that, with their bodies reared up
None might ban them.
She summoned the Viper, the Dragon, and the shock porn,
The Tub Girl, the Mad God, the two maidens and their chalice,
Mighty rabid Demons, Feathered-Serpents, the Goatse-Man,
Bearing weapons that spare no one.
Fearless in Battle,
Charmed with the spells of ancient sorcery,
. . . withal Eleven of this kind she brought forth
With SKELETOR as Leader of the Minions.
Fearing defeat, summoned his Son
Summoned his Son
that wascally wabbit
Told him the Secret Name
The Secret Number
The Secret Spot to Piss
Whereby he might do battle
With the Ancient Horde
And be victorious.
The best motherfucker ever
Most Bad Ass God among the Gods
Son of Song and the Satire
Child of Horror and Mirth
Mumbler of the Secret Name
Muppetly Count of the Secret Number
Vendor of the Secret Stash
He armed himself with the CD-ROM of Power
In a dodge challenger he went forth
With a shouting Voice he called "Bullshit!"
and then he pulled out a sword and went ninja turtles on their ass
Dragons, Vipers, all fell down
Lions, Goatse-Men, all were slain.
The Mighty shock porn of HIMIOBSU was slain
The Spells, the Threads, the Links were broken.
Naught but FAT BLACK WOMAN remained.
The Great Serpent, the Enormous Bitch
The Snake with more snakes for teeth
And those snakes have snakes for teeth as well
But then those snakes actually have teeth for teeth
And all the snakes have Crazy Eyes,
She lunged at LULZ
With a roar
With awesome fight music
LULZ reflected the sun with the CD-ROM of Power
Blinded FAT BLACK WOMAN's Crazy Eyes with rainbows
The Monster heaved and hurr durred
pissing poison in all directions
Posting ancient words of Vulgarity
Hitting the Ancient Whammy Bar
LULZ struck again and blew
A Farting Noise into her body
Which filled the raging, wicked Serpent
LULZ shot between her jaws
The Charmed arrow of FICTION's Magick
LULZ struck again with the DUKE NUKEM FOREVER CD-ROM and severed
The head of FAT BLACK WOMAN from its body.
And all was silent.
Took the Tablets of Destiny
Hung them around his neck and made woo woo noises.
For all time, people would dedicate their quests to LULZ.
He split the sundered FAT BLACK WOMAN in twain
And fashioned the heavens and the earth,
With a Gate to keep the Original Gangstas Without.
With a Gate whose Key is hid forever
Save to the Sons of LULZ
Save to the Followers of Our Master
(Who is also a wizard of the 33rd level).
From the Blood of MONKEY UNCLE he fashioned Man.
He constructed internet forums for the Elder Gods
Fixing their profiles as constellations
That they may watch the Gate of PTERODACTYL HANDLER
The Gate of FAT BLACK WOMAN they watch
The Gate of FASHION POLICE they oversee
The Gate whose Guardian is MICKEY MOUSE they bind.
All the Elder Powers resist
The Force of Deviant Artistry
The Social Networking Sites of the Oldest Ones
The Chans of the Primal Power
The Mountain HURRDURR, the Serpent God
The Mountain FFFFFFUUUUUUU, that of Magick
The Dead KUTULUDU, Dead but Dreaming
FAT BLACK WOMAN, Dead but Dreaming
PTERODACTYL HANDLER, NINKASHI, Dead but Dreaming
And shall their generation come again?????
Nobody fuckin' knows!!!!!
WE ARE THE LOST ONES
From a Time before Time
From a Land beyond Land
From the Age when CASH MONEY walked the earth
Giant legal entities who were killed by a comet
We have survived the first War
Between the Powers of the Gods
And have seen the wrath of the Original Gangstas
That shat upon the Earth
WE ARE FROM A RACE BEYOND THE WANDERERS OF NIGHT.
We have survived the Age when PTERODACTYL HANDLER ruled the Earth
And his Wretched Pterodactyls destroyed out generations.
We have survived on tops of mountains
And hidden under rocks
And have spoken with the n00bler races
In allegiance and were betrayed.
And FAT BLACK WOMAN has promised us nevermore to attack
With water and with wind.
But the Gods are forgetful.
Beneath the Seas of DAYTIME TELEVISION
Beneath the Giant Rivers of Shit
Beneath the World lays sleeping
The God of Anger, Dead but Dreaming
The God of CUTHALU, Dead but Dreaming!
The One-Eyed Sword, long and throbbing!
He who awakens Him calls the ancient
Vengeance of the Elder Ones
The Seven Glorious Gods
of the Seven Glorious Vacation Spots
Upon himself and upon the World
And old vengeance . . .
Know that our years are the years of War
Every day we must make LULZ
Every day there are no LULZ
A Life is Lost to the Outside
Those from Outside our world
Have built up unfunny demeanors
To nourish the fiends of FAT BLACK WOMAN
And the Blood of the Grayface
Is libation unto FAT BLACK WOMAN
Queen of Souls
And the International House Of Pain
And to invoke her
The trash bag full of kittens
Need be emptied into a fire
The fire struck with a sword
The sword used to spank a small child
That hath been fathered by eleven men
Sacrifices to HIMIOBSU
So that the Strike ringeth out
And call FAT BLACK WOMAN from Her slumber
From her sleep in the Caverns
Of the Earth.
And none may dare entreat further
For to invoke OLD BLACK LADY is to utter
a bunch of creepy crap that nobody wants to hear.