Author Topic: gnimbley loses his mind  (Read 19516 times)

gnimbley

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gnimbley loses his mind
« on: July 21, 2004, 03:46:23 pm »
I am writing a play called "The Trail of George W. Bush"

It is a work in progress. I only have three scenes written and they are in first draft form. I have placed a pdf version on my earthlink server for people to download.

I am asking for suggestions, criticism, rants, etc. In particular, I want suggestions of people to testify and speak. You can leave your thoughts in this thread.

You probably can not tell from this early piece exactly where I am going. That's fine. Wouldn't be much of a mystery if you knew what was coming next. But I hope you find it amusing.

WARNING: There is some brutal emotional stuff in here. At least I hope it is brutal and emotional. If you are upset by the horrors of war and the horror of 9/11, then maybe you should skip reading this.

I intend to place the play out into cyberspace on my blog. Give it wings and let it fly. See if student groups at colleges might not pick it up and do performances. Whatever. I would love to serialize it here in PD.com. Formating is a problem and that is why I chose to put it in pdf form for now.

Anyway, I am giving you all first crack at tearing it apart. It is a first draft so I don't have the poetry done yet, but it is a good start. Have fun. (But don't read it just before you go to bed.)

The Trial of George W. Bush, An Erisian Mystery, by gnimbley the gnome

Xoder

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2004, 05:39:30 pm »
Nice. Some grammar issues. Are you planning on tacking more onto it?
There would have been a sig here. If you loved your goddess enough!

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Guido Finucci

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2004, 11:40:22 pm »
Minor issues:
 - When I read the direction in a1s1 about inserting pithy comments I have a vision of the director yelling "Pithy comments! He said pithy comments!" in a way that rhymed whith Strongbad and his, "Consumate Vs".

 - IMO, 'Glorious Archilles' would be better than 'Gloried Archillies', for a bunch of reasons.

 - Louis needs be more regal and arrogant Frenchy. See the movie Ridicule and read the book Restoration (even though it has an English king in it). Little things mostly -- Louis would probably use 'advocate' instead of 'attorney' or, "Louis: I don't believe any of them have been admitted to the bar in this jurisdiction." could be, "Louis: They are lawyers in courts of men. They do not speak at the judgements of Gods." or something equally overstated and neo-classical. Or not.

 - Louis is sometimes 'Louis' and sometimes 'Louie' in the script. Is that intentional?

It is a fine start and I look forwards to more.

gnimbley

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2004, 11:57:49 pm »
Quote from: Guido Finucci
Minor issues:
 - When I read the direction in a1s1 about inserting pithy comments I have a vision of the director yelling "Pithy comments! He said pithy comments!" in a way that rhymed whith Strongbad and his, "Consumate Vs".

 - IMO, 'Glorious Archilles' would be better than 'Gloried Archillies', for a bunch of reasons.

 - Louis needs be more regal and arrogant Frenchy. See the movie Ridicule and read the book Restoration (even though it has an English king in it). Little things mostly -- Louis would probably use 'advocate' instead of 'attorney' or, "Louis: I don't believe any of them have been admitted to the bar in this jurisdiction." could be, "Louis: They are lawyers in courts of men. They do not speak at the judgements of Gods." or something equally overstated and neo-classical. Or not.

 - Louis is sometimes 'Louis' and sometimes 'Louie' in the script. Is that intentional?

It is a fine start and I look forwards to more.


pithy, I used the word pithy?

::flip flip flip::

hmmm.

Gloria Achilles , er Glorious it will be.

Yeah, I need more French attitude. He's a real central character but needs a lot of work. I was just dealing with the Greeks to start with. (Would Monty Python's French characters in Holy Grail, er, maybe not.)

Louis Louie. Sounds the same, don't it? (Not deliberate, but wtf.)

I am taking a break today. I've been writing it since Friday. I will plunge back in to start the next scene tomorrow. (At least I know how it ends.)

Guido Finucci

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2004, 12:03:55 am »
Quote from: gnimbley
Yeah, I need more French attitude. He's a real central character but needs a lot of work. I was just dealing with the Greeks to start with. (Would Monty Python's French characters in Holy Grail, er, maybe not.)


Hell yes! "Ow can you tell 'is Fraanch? By 'is out-raj-us accnt."

Happy to suggest bad French anytime you want it.

gnimbley

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2004, 12:07:42 am »
Hmm. I imagine some 19 year old kid trying to get the dialect right. I think I want to stick to just word choice to get across the attitude of an arrogant French monarch. However, if you (or someone) would like to translate, I will produce a French dialect version. Since I am going to post this on the internet, I figure more than one version floating around would make for more fun.

Guido Finucci

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2004, 12:16:33 am »
Quote from: gnimbley
Hmm. I imagine some 19 year old kid trying to get the dialect right. I think I want to stick to just word choice to get across the attitude of an arrogant French monarch. However, if you (or someone) would like to translate, I will produce a French dialect version. Since I am going to post this on the internet, I figure more than one version floating around would make for more fun.


You appear to be under the impression that I actually know how to speak French. On the contraryaryary I speak solid British Comedic English-with-a-bad-French-accent.

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2004, 01:15:39 am »
By Restoration, do you mean

Quote from: My local library
Restoration : a novel of seventeenth-century England by Tremain, Rose.

     The double import of Tremain's title--it refers both to the reign of the 17th-century Restoration King Charles II and to the restoration to the protagonist of his beloved home and aspirations for his life--is one of the subtle delights of this accomplished novel, shortlisted for the Booker and winner of other awards in Britain. The story is of one man's rise and fall and rise again, of his discovery of love and faith, and his emotional maturation in a crucible of harrowing experiences. In a larger sense, however, it is a social, cultural and psychological picture of that age, when bluebloods lived in gaudy excess but others were expected to be content in their "appointed stations.'' Through the whim of his adored monarch, narrator Robert Merivel becomes veterinarian to the Royal Dogs, unofficial Fool, and "paid cuckold,'' when he marries the King's mistress, Celia Clemence, on condition that he himself will never fall in love with her. Having unwittingly succumbed to that forbidden emotion, Merivel is cast off by both wife and King, and must join his dour Quaker friend Pearce working in a lunatic asylum in remote, bleak Whittlesea. Another tragic loss sends him back to plague-ridden London, where his life comes full turn. Merivel embodies the contradictions of his era: though he is vain, frivolous and cynical, he is also a man of sensibility, intelligence and imaginative daring; his wry, witty voice holds the reader absorbed. A thoroughly satisfying read, the complex plot is augmented by acutely observed historical detail, nuanced character development, humor and poignancy.

Guido Finucci

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2004, 02:35:44 am »
Quote from: gnimblette
By Restoration, do you mean ... [Restoration : a novel of seventeenth-century England by Tremain, Rose.]


Yup. Also made into a movie but the movie lost all the flavour that I got from the book.

The King has a small-ish part but he is from about the right time and, if you add a dash of Hobbes, gives insight into how the monarchs of Western Europe thought of themselves about then.

The rest of the book suited me very well some years ago when I first read it, not so sure if I'd love it as much now.

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2004, 03:34:12 am »
Gnimbly:  I have left instructions with my mind, that if it, in its many wanderings in places where I know not the seasons and the stars are strange to me, that if it should run across in merry meeting your likewise roaming intellect, that is should convey with heart-counsel, deep felt word-warnings, that it is required to return.

gnimbley

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2004, 03:50:40 am »
Quote from: Compositus Confusio
Gnimbly:  I have left instructions with my mind, that if it, in its many wanderings in places where I know not the seasons and the stars are strange to me, that if it should run across in merry meeting your likewise roaming intellect, that is should convey with heart-counsel, deep felt word-warnings, that it is required to return.



Bella

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2004, 03:54:16 am »
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: Compositus Confusio
Gnimbly:  I have left instructions with my mind, that if it, in its many wanderings in places where I know not the seasons and the stars are strange to me, that if it should run across in merry meeting your likewise roaming intellect, that is should convey with heart-counsel, deep felt word-warnings, that it is required to return.



He's worried about you because you lost your mind, and has instructed his wandering mind to tell your wandering mind to go home.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

gnimbley

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2004, 04:15:51 am »
gnome go home.

got 'cha.

::wanders off in search of home::

Bella

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2004, 07:29:59 am »
That's a good little gnome.

Good work, btw.
I'm looking forward to reading the completed version.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

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gnimbley loses his mind
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2004, 05:58:57 pm »
I enjoyed that play very much, keep it up.

A few problems, is the fury doing the questioning at the beginning Atecto or Alecto, because it's different in the Dramatis Personae. Also, the file name is "Trail", instead of "Trial".
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