Author Topic: Half Asleep  (Read 4758 times)

┼llnephew Tvř­le■°n

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2010, 12:49:43 pm »
I'm on a spaceship. Not one that I would have expected. I look down, and I'm wearing NASA patches, one of which says Apollo 23. Obama must have sent us back to the Moon instead of Mars. I look at my crew mates. Random guy I've never seen before, and... George W. Bush? Oh fuck, he's the mission commander.

The random guy stays in the lunar orbiter while Commander Bush and I take the module down to the moon. We stay there for awhile going over the mission. Take some photos, collect some samples, continue erecting structures for the lunar science station, rescue the survivors of Apollo 22.

We suit up and start exploring. I keep telling myself not to jump because I'll go very high and have to piss in my spacesuit. We take our photos, and start putting up some of the automated stuff that can be controlled from earth, helping make observations about space before the moon lab is complete, as well as continue unmanned construction. A second lunar module is going to be permanently left here for the purpose of building the base around.

W isn't looking so well when we return to the module. He starts telling me about this old injury he got back in his Yale days. He's drinking whiskey. A lot of whiskey. The former president is the first drunk on the moon. I start thinking about his qualifications about this. Well, he did pilot that fighter jet onto the USS Mission Accomplished. The other guy is a pilot I guess. And I... know nothing about how to fly. Matter of fact I am entirely un-qualified for this mission. What the fuck am I doing here? Bush continues to drink, and his face begins to swell on one side. "I can't complete the mission right now, you'll have to go out there on your own."

Fuck. I'm outside the module again. Doing various tasks. Then I hear gunfire. There are Chinese soldiers on the moon, and they're pissed off and I don't have any weapons. I guess I know what happened to Apollo 22.

Wait, fuckin' frat boy brought some sais with him. Damned if I know why, but they'll come in handy right about now.

I sneak back to the module, and W is still drinking and getting face bloat. I grab his sais, return outside and throw them at the Chinese soldiers, smashing their face visors and causing them to asphyxiate.

I see the survivors now, they're lying down on the ground. I crawl on over to them, in case there are more Chinese soldiers. I'm using 10 lb dumbbells to keep myself weighted down, even though I'm still heavy enough not to accidentally push myself into orbit.

I grab the two survivors, put the dumbbells into my backpack, as well as the sais and a pair of earrings, and head back to the module. THe survivors are grateful for the food and a place to stay indoors, and a chance to go home. The mission isn't done yet though. Still have to get some samples.

I go back outside, grab a couple of samples, keep an extra one for a keepsake, and pull a bottle of wine out of my back pack. I make some invocations and pour the wine onto the ground.

Returning to the module it's time to get back to the orbiter and head home. Arriving back on Earth, I think, man people aren't going to believe this! I'm going to have to tell everyone I just got back from the Moon and shit. Update my facebook status, start a new thread on PD, go to the bar and get free drinks... I'm a fucking hero dammit, pulling off the first lunar rescue mission. I'm going to get the Congressional Medal of Honor and shit. But do people know about it? Wasn't I only gone for a day? It takes like, 3 days or something to get to the Moon. It's July 2011. I don't even know when I left, but I think I was gone for a week and a half. I try googling Apollo 23, and nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing about Apollo 22... or 21.... or 20....

Obama's been secretly sending people to the Moon. Considering there were Chinese soldiers and the Mission Commander was one of the worst presidents in history (even though he and I became friends during the course of the mission, drunken face bloating aside), I can only assume that Obama was sending expendibles on clandestine missions to the moon for the purpose of removing the Chinese presence.

That bastard.

I open my eyes. I'm on the couch again. It's a good couch, by the way.

I must have been asleep. That noted, for a brief minute, I still believed that I had just returned from the moon.
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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┼llnephew Tvř­le■°n

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #31 on: October 01, 2010, 01:41:23 pm »
I'm walking down a street, and everyone is wearing old style clothing. I look around and all the signs are in German. Hmmm. I keep walking, not really thinking about where I'm going or even why I'm here, when I pass by a small side street and see none other than Adolf Hitler and his high ranking goons walking to the street I'm on. Sensing an opportunity for a little bit of mischief I duck behind the building on the corner and listen to them talk to gauge how close they are.

Maybe this is not a good idea. Nazis are kinda dangerous. Too late I'm already jumping out in front of them.

I land square in front of the Fuhrer himself, give the salute and shout "Heil Juden!"

This startles them all, at first from having someone suddenly jump out in front of them, and then from the size of my proverbial balls. I personally am now thinking this is by far the stupidest single thing I have done in what is now probably going to be my short life. Hitler glares at me, to infuriated to speak. Himmler asks me something in German, and subtitles appear in my field of vision saying, "Did you just say... Hail the Jews???" "Yep!" and I slap the cap off of his head. Goering speaks and the subtitles say, "You should have said, 'Heil den Juden.' You must be American."

"Shut up!" Hitler yells at Goering. "You. How dare you say that to us! Don't you know who I am?"
"Yeah, the retarded mustache gave it away."
"Who are you?"

I start to put together that I must be travelling through time. Funny, I seem to recall having a dream about that recently involving work and a naked chick.

"I'm from the future."
Suddenly, Hitler is intrigued. "The future?"
"Yes. I come from the year 2010."
"And what happens in the future?"
"In a nutshell, America and Russia kick your ass, you kill yourself and most of your buddies here are hanged, an angry mob kills Mussolini with their bare hands, and the US nukes Japan, then America and Russia yell and wave atomic weapons at each other until the 1980s when everything is too colorful and over the top ridiculous to worry about that shit anyway, then Russia gives up Communism, people wear flannel and stop bathing in between 1992 and 1995, a few Muslims blow shit up so the US decides to blow up all Muslims that we think look at us funny, the Red Sox win the World Series, people reelect a president that they think is an absolute moron, and after him we elect a black guy. Then angry white people from the trailer park get pissed off and call him a Socialist even though they really want to call him something else. Oh, and since everyone hates you, those who don't like him draw your mustache on his pictures. And everything is made in China, which is run by Communists."
"I don't believe you."
"Here, I'll show you."
There's a flash of light and we're in 2010, Berlin. I throw him a bunch of clothes, a wig, some glasses and make up. He looks like he's homeless, which I find very amusing.

"How do I look?"
"More mustache. Like I said it's a dead give away."
He puts on some make up to make his mustache look longer. He's ready to go explore.

"Go ahead, take a tour around Berlin. I'm sure you'll find it all very interesting."

He leaves the building we're in. Then I decide to leave him there, in today's Germany, for it to be eventually discovered that he's Hitler and get thrown in jail for the crime of being Hitler. Teleporting back to Boston, I think to myself, if I leave Hitler here and don't bring him back, won't that screw up history? Fuck it. I can always bring him back later. Better make my mind up before they hand him over to the Israelis.

My alarms going off. I must have been asleep.
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #32 on: October 01, 2010, 02:02:18 pm »
Loved this one!

┼llnephew Tvř­le■°n

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #33 on: October 01, 2010, 02:04:09 pm »
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #34 on: October 01, 2010, 02:05:07 pm »
That was great.
This spot for rent

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2010, 02:05:33 pm »
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:

There was a lot more that I read into it.

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #36 on: October 01, 2010, 02:10:57 pm »
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:

There was a lot more that I read into it.

Cool, what was it?
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #37 on: October 01, 2010, 02:18:53 pm »
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. In spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

ed: sp
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 02:24:53 pm by Henny Youngman »

┼llnephew Tvř­le■°n

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #38 on: October 01, 2010, 02:23:57 pm »
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2010, 02:25:53 pm »
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D

It's the infallible self importance test. Stick your finger in a glass of water. Remove it. Check for lasting impression.

┼llnephew Tvř­le■°n

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #40 on: October 01, 2010, 02:30:15 pm »
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D

It's the infallible self importance test. Stick your finger in a glass of water. Remove it. Check for lasting impression.

 :lulz:
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2010, 07:01:27 am »
Bump since I haven't had a full interesting dream lately (seriously they've been dull or too vague to share), and plus I'm on a Monty Python kick:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlmGknvr_Pg
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #42 on: January 07, 2011, 06:08:58 pm »
I'm in a fairly nice house, looking at a pair of speakers with nothing attached to it, and yet music is coming out of it. I marvel at this, when I hear someone go, "Great isn't it?"

I turn around and there is a large bee in the shape of a man standing behind me. I know that this is his house.

Normally I am petrified of bees but for some reason this very large drone, taller than me, did not frighten me. Nor did his massive stinger or huge insectoid mouth.

"They're not attached to anything though."
"Sure they are, look."

Bee man zapped the speakers with a laser and they started to morph into the stereo itself.

"How did you do that?"
"They are in the same place but the stereo is located in the extra dimensions that humans can't perceive."
"Like in string theory?"
"Kind of. The rest of my house is like that too. Great way to save space."

The house was pretty spacious. He zapped again and the couches appeared. We sat down.

"I'm not going to harm you. Bees are built with a lot of design flaws. If I sting you, I die. That's great if you're still a primitive bee defending the hive, but not when you evolve past the hive mentality and start having individuality. Hell, I've never even had sex. Our penises break off after mating. And c'mon, who wants to live without their dick?"
"How do you reproduce then?"
"We jack off into a cup and send it off to the queen."

Makes sense to me.

"Why am I here?"
"I needed to tell you something."
"About extra dimensions?"
"No, that's just something that we bees are more aware of."
"What is it then?"

"You can be a bee man too."

Alarm's going off. I must have been asleep.
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #43 on: January 07, 2011, 07:54:07 pm »
Terri and i had been on the list for quite some time. We had signed up as a tandem, which meant we had to be transplanted at the same time. Even with the amount of brain damage the younger generation sustained coming up with a compatible male and female body was still very much of a challenge.

Then we got the call. We needed to go down right away and sign off on the bodies. We looked them over and they were perfect. They were both in their early 20's, in good shape and attractive. More than we had dared dream.

Since the male was at the most critical point it was decided my brain would be transplanted first. So the two teams of surgeons went to work. At some point the male body for me had had complications and was unusable. The bad news is once they started on a living person there was no way to undo the process.

They called Terri in for an emergency consult and it was decided to place me in the female. Terri wasn't too upset because they expected another male in a day or two and she could be placed in it and we could still be together.

Well, when I woke up to say the least I was very surprised. The normal recovery was 2 weeks but since I had to learn how to use the new equipment it was going to take 3 weeks. Terri has already been placed in the male and was recovering as well.

We learned how to use our new bodies and just enjoying the feeling of youth and being free of pain. Now the bodies of 20 year olds still had urges that we hadn't experienced in a while and things were taking their natural course.

Then things got weird. I was looking at Terris new body and suddenly wasn't sure about this. I could see she had the same feelings looking at me. Well as awkward as it was we decided to go ahead and try.

Once we got past the first steps of kissing and touching the bodies kind of took over on their own.

As Terri entered me I lost all control and the feeling was so incredible intense..........


I woke sweating.

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Re: Half Asleep
« Reply #44 on: January 08, 2011, 12:48:09 am »
Whoa Charley! That's a winner!
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
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Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS