I'm in a strange building, half a sketchy warehouse, half a home. Like someone's secret lab. I don't know how I got here, or where the stick in my hands came from, or what my partner's name is, but I do know that this place has been overrun by Devil-worshippers and there are crazed chimpanzees running around, along with other lab animals. There are empty cages all over the place.
My partner and I are running around, trying to take care not to be bitten by these things as well as find the people we're looking for. For some reason they're important and are our primary objective in being in this place.
After some searching, I hear something from behind a wall of boxes, I knock them down and there they are. A man and a woman, (I know that they are romantically involved with one another) both fairly attractive. This is their place and they were doing some sort of research here. Now they were stripped down to their underwear, gagged and had their hands tied behind their backs, all with shrink-wrap. Their ankles were similarly bound. They were bouncing around, trying to shout through their gags and avoiding a chimp.
I chase the chimp off with my stick, come back and notice that on the desk is a baphomet surrounded by inverted crosses separating the individual digits of 666, along with the slogan, "Hail Satan!", scrawled in an adolescent hand, similar to my own attempts at defacing school property many years ago.
I take the stick and use it to remove the plastic from her ankles and wrists, saying, "here, you can get the gag, and set him loose too." I didn't want to spend too much time leaving myself open by freeing both of them. I've seen enough movies to know better.
"Oh thank you so much! I prayed and prayed that someone would come and save us!" she sputtered, "Praise Jesus! Amen!"
"All in a day's work ma'am." I looked at the desk and added with a mischievous grin and not a little fire in my eyes, "Hail Satan!"
I think I meant it too.
Everything must have happened very fast after that. The next thing I knew, they had gotten dressed, and the secret lab was secured and the animals all back in their cages. The Devil worshippers in question were long gone.
She was recording a vlog for her YouTube channel. Kinda weird for someone running a secret lab when you think about it. She also looked pretty cute with her glasses back on.
"...my boyfriend and I neutered and spayed our monkeys, but I guess we only half worked on him. Because he came after me with purpose and I was going to get it if not for our heroes..." gesturing to me and my partner, while we were poking through their cool lab stuff. She continued into the camera "I was trying to tell the chimp he didn't want any of that. Because I have herpes. Every so often I get festering sores all over my vagina. Herpes. Even if it wasn't contagious you wouldn't want to touch my itching, burning, scabby genitals." Okay, that took a turn for the fucking weird. This was getting to be too much. Talking a chimp out of raping you by graphically describing your herpes to him isn't going to work, and I don't see the point in sharing that info with YouTube. She continued, "You don't want my vagina scabs on your monkey penis. That's not hot!"
I turned from a book I pulled off their shelf and had been skimming through. I saw myself from across the room. Apparently, I am being played by 1990s David Duchovny. And it's one of those bad haircut episodes. But hey, at least I have a nice ensemble. Too bad my partner isn't Gillian Anderson. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble seeing his face. I/David have that mischievous grin again, turn to her and retort, "What are you talking about? Herpes are shmexy! I know I'm turned on right now from that description."
"Kevin, it's 8 o'clock"
"It's 8 o'clock, you wanted me to make sure that you woke up at 8."
I was asleep, what the fuck was that?
"Did Matt come home last night?"
"Yep, yes he did..."
Cue 15 minute half asleep to fully awake conversation.
I need to stop going to bed so late.