Half Asleep

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

I'm in a strange building, half a sketchy warehouse, half a home. Like someone's secret lab. I don't know how I got here, or where the stick in my hands came from, or what my partner's name is, but I do know that this place has been overrun by Devil-worshippers and there are crazed chimpanzees running around, along with other lab animals. There are empty cages all over the place.

My partner and I are running around, trying to take care not to be bitten by these things as well as find the people we're looking for. For some reason they're important and are our primary objective in being in this place.

After some searching, I hear something from behind a wall of boxes, I knock them down and there they are. A man and a woman, (I know that they are romantically involved with one another) both fairly attractive. This is their place and they were doing some sort of research here. Now they were stripped down to their underwear, gagged and had their hands tied behind their backs, all with shrink-wrap. Their ankles were similarly bound. They were bouncing around, trying to shout through their gags and avoiding a chimp.

I chase the chimp off with my stick, come back and notice that on the desk is a baphomet surrounded by inverted crosses separating the individual digits of 666, along with the slogan, "Hail Satan!", scrawled in an adolescent hand, similar to my own attempts at defacing school property many years ago.

I take the stick and use it to remove the plastic from her ankles and wrists, saying, "here, you can get the gag, and set him loose too." I didn't want to spend too much time leaving myself open by freeing both of them. I've seen enough movies to know better.

"Oh thank you so much! I prayed and prayed that someone would come and save us!" she sputtered, "Praise Jesus! Amen!"
"All in a day's work ma'am." I looked at the desk and added with a mischievous grin and not a little fire in my eyes, "Hail Satan!"
I think I meant it too.

Everything must have happened very fast after that. The next thing I knew, they had gotten dressed, and the secret lab was secured and the animals all back in their cages. The Devil worshippers in question were long gone.

She was recording a vlog for her YouTube channel. Kinda weird for someone running a secret lab when you think about it. She also looked pretty cute with her glasses back on.

"...my boyfriend and I neutered and spayed our monkeys, but I guess we only half worked on him. Because he came after me with purpose and I was going to get it if not for our heroes..." gesturing to me and my partner, while we were poking through their cool lab stuff. She continued into the camera "I was trying to tell the chimp he didn't want any of that. Because I have herpes. Every so often I get festering sores all over my vagina. Herpes. Even if it wasn't contagious you wouldn't want to touch my itching, burning, scabby genitals." Okay, that took a turn for the fucking weird. This was getting to be too much. Talking a chimp out of raping you by graphically describing your herpes to him isn't going to work, and I don't see the point in sharing that info with YouTube. She continued, "You don't want my vagina scabs on your monkey penis. That's not hot!"

I turned from a book I pulled off their shelf and had been skimming through. I saw myself from across the room. Apparently, I am being played by 1990s David Duchovny. And it's one of those bad haircut episodes. But hey, at least I have a nice ensemble. Too bad my partner isn't Gillian Anderson. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble seeing his face. I/David have that mischievous grin again, turn to her and retort, "What are you talking about? Herpes are shmexy! I know I'm turned on right now from that description."

"Kevin, it's 8 o'clock"
"Hmm?"
"It's 8 o'clock, you wanted me to make sure that you woke up at 8."

I was asleep, what the fuck was that?

"Cool, thanks"
"Did Matt come home last night?"
"Yep, yes he did..."
Cue 15 minute half asleep to fully awake conversation.

I need to stop going to bed so late.

[Jasper]

Your dreams are so damn awesome.  I need to start training myself for lucid dreaming.  Anyway, keep sharing, I like it!

[Tom]

Nice shit!

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

Your dreams are so damn awesome.  I need to start training myself for lucid dreaming.  Anyway, keep sharing, I like it!

I had another one that I wanted to share here a couple of nights before this. Unfortunately I got side tracked that morning, and now and can't really remember the idea behind it. All I can remember is that I thought it was pretty cool.

That said, I've only had lucid dreams a handful of times. One of them involved my old supervisor (who is from Siberia, which I guess makes sense since there was a lot of Russian graffiti, some of it I was able to read) and a zombie outbreak. I realized I was dreaming so I willed myself to grow wings so I could fly to a rooftop and avoid the zombies with my supervisor. She got bit though, so I had to fly off that roof.

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Actually, now I kinda remember the other dream. It involved the house I grew up in. I'll see if I can remember it well enough to post into some narrative, with the caveat that it is half remembered, and probably inaccurate.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

Nice shit!

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.

I was once able to pull something similar off, but it involved severe sleep deprivation. I'm not comfortable sleeping while travelling, and I was basically up for 3 days straight. I started hallucinating. I was only able to tell the fact at the time because when it kicked in, I was on a train from Fishguard, Wales, to Salisbury England, and the English people I wasn't talking to were giving me strange and slightly frightened looks. Which of course, caused me to laugh a lot. Then I passed out on the table in front of me.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

Nice shit!

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.

I was once able to pull something similar off, but it involved severe sleep deprivation. I'm not comfortable sleeping while travelling, and I was basically up for 3 days straight. I started hallucinating. I was only able to tell the fact at the time because when it kicked in, I was on a train from Fishguard, Wales, to Salisbury England, and the English people I wasn't talking to were giving me strange and slightly frightened looks. Which of course, caused me to laugh a lot. Then I passed out on the table in front of me.

Strike that. I got a coach bus from Fishguard to, I think, Cardiff. The train was from Cardiff to Salisbury, if I recall correctly. This happened in 2002.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

Loved reading these, Twid! 

 

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Really looking forward to this.

I kept a dream journal for about a year, ages ago.  But after a few months, they got ridiculously easy to interpret...  Like my dreambrain was dumbing it down for me or something. Decided I wasn't giving my subconscious enough time to play without oversight (always felt kind of awake anyway), and stopped.

Reading yours makes me want to start logging them again.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

Loved reading these, Twid! 

 

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Really looking forward to this.

I kept a dream journal for about a year, ages ago.  But after a few months, they got ridiculously easy to interpret...  Like my dreambrain was dumbing it down for me or something. Decided I wasn't giving my subconscious enough time to play without oversight (always felt kind of awake anyway), and stopped.

Reading yours makes me want to start logging them again.

I just skimmed through a few to see if anything jumped out. I must've definitely been half asleep for a good portion of the entries. The descriptions aren't my best writing, and the handwriting is a lot worse than my usual, fully awake handwriting. But I'll see if I can suitably adapt them.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

I'm at work. The lay out is kinda weird though. It doesn't look like work at all. I'm in a room with a sliding glass door, looking through files, busily looking for something... What am I looking for? I guess I'll know it when I see it. I'm going to be doing this for a long time.

A female employee walks in from the hallway, into the dimly lit ajoining room. She's overweight, but not fat, kinda hot actually. I've never seen her here before. She flashes me her breasts, smiles and proceeds to strip down entirely. As I'm looking, I remember that I have a girlfriend. Before I can tell her to put her clothes back on I see Dr. S, my boss in my previous position, coming down the hall. He gets to the door and the girl has just finished putting her shirt back on.

Dr. S looks at me. Suddenly he's very tall, even though I know that he is shorter than me (if you can believe that). The disappointment on his face draws my attention away from his huge mustache. "This is highly inappropriate," is all he says, and goes into a side door in the dimly lit room. "Mark!" [name intentionally changed] I call after him, trying to explain that I didn't do anything. "Mark!" The door closes.

The woman and I wait in the dimly lit room, waiting for him to come back. She's upset that she's going to lose her job. I'm trying to think of ways to keep my own and possibly save hers. I get the sense that sudden nudity aside, she's really a decent person. Insinctively though, I know there's nothing I can do, and she's going to have to get the axe.

A lot of time passes, and I go back into the file room. Mark comes out of the side room. He's aged considerably. "You're making too much noise." And closes the sliding door. "Mark, let me explain about..." he shakes his head and goes back into the room. I go back to the files. He comes out again and he's considerably younger. "You're going to wake the baby." "Mark, I need to talk to you." He returns to the room. I wait by the door. "Mark, come on man, talk to me!" He comes back out with a baby. "You've woken up Antoine. Who the hell are you anyway?" "Dr. S, you know who I am!" "I'm not a Doctor, I'm a police officer." I suddenly realize that I've been travelling through time, and I tell him this. "I know you as Dr. S, several years from now."
The thing is, Dr. S was never a cop, and never had a kid named Antoine. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

The next day, I was at a barbecue. Dr. S happened to be there also. I walked up to him. "Mark, did you have a really weird dream last night?" He looks at me kinda shocked, and says "Yes." "Did it involve time travel?" "Uh, yes..." Then he looks uncomfortable and quickly moves to talk to someone else.

I open my eyes, and I'm lying down on the couch. Last thing I remember was watching Jon Stewart.

I must have been asleep.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

I'm on an island somewhere in New England, but I don't really know where. I look around and I'm in a bar, and my mother is the bartender. We're trying to decide what to order out from Bertucci's (an Italian restaurant chain that makes brick oven pizza and really awesome rolls). Mom tells me what she and my sister were getting, and if I wanted any of it. I don't really but the idea of Bertucci's sounds good. I count out 10 dollars and 4 empty wallets, and hand them to her, saying that I'll have a large pizza from there and a beer from the bar. This angers her and she starts talking about how she wants me out and that I'm taking up too much space. I get angry and demand the 10 dollars back (but oddly, not the wallets) so I can go to Bertucci's myself and enjoy my pizza alone. She gives the money back and I go outside and get on my bike.

Funny, when did I get a bike? I know I was thinking of getting one...

I'm riding around, trying to figure out how to get to Bertucci's, and the locals are gawking at me and wondering if I'm a 1 percenter. It's a bicycle, not a motorcycle and I don't look the part... Forget about that, there's Mr. M on his bike. Good old Mr. M, the receptionist where I work, who calls everyone Mr/Ms/Dr Lastname even if you're a regular old grunt like me. He took to calling me Dr. M after a postdoc made a mistake about my role in the office. Anyway, there he was, in his tweed jacket, riding his bike. He'll know how to get back to Boston.

I start following him. He's going very fast, and it's hard to keep up with him, and I'm starting to get nervous about my own speed. He zips through red lights, so I do too, just to try and catch up. Just as I start to get close, he does a complete turn and guns it past me in the other direction. He must be evading me but why? I turn around, and he's already gotten very far, but he's slowed down a little, because I can see that he is now fighting elderly Asians from his bike. I think one of them is actually Bruce Lee. Wasn't he dead? They must be zombies. Zombies who know martial arts. He breaks through the zombies and goes very quickly to a side street on the left. As I pass the zombies I push them out of the way and try and gain speed. I come up to the side street, take the left and....

My eyes open. I'm on the couch and sore from last night's coughing fit. I must have been asleep.

At least Mr. M successfully led me back to Boston.

[Adios]

I am enjoying these.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

I am enjoying these.

 
Thanks Charley, I enjoy writing them. I have weird dreams more frequently than this, but usually by the time that I get up to record them, I've already forgotten them. Maybe with more practice I'll be able to remember more.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

I've moved into a new apartment, apparently I have a roommate that came with the place. As I look around at my new place, I see a piece of paper in the living room on an end table. It turns itself slightly clockwise and then counter clockwise, over and over in a regular beat like it's some sort of weird metronome. My roommate doesn't seem to notice. I pick it up and it stops moving. I read it and start laughing at the gibberish on it.

"What's so funny?"
"This, it was written by Hirley!"
"Who?"
"hirley0- he's a guy on this forum I go to, this is the only sort of stuff he posts, here, look..."

I grab my laptop and log into PD, show him a hirley thread and he starts laughing. The landlord opens the door abruptly and says, "Stop making so much noise, or I'll take your computers away!" and closes the door just abruptly. We quiet down and then the door opens again. There is a man with grey hair and glasses there, and says, "Hi, is this 236?"
"Yeah," we both respond.

"I'm Hirley. Would have come down sooner to let you know but I was upstairs masturbating. That's why the paper was moving."
"You're hirley from PD?"
"Yeah."
"I'll will take the computers away!!!!" we heard the landlord shout up to us.
"So, why did you bring the paper down here?"
"Because I was masturbating."

Made sense to me.

"So you live above us?"
"Yep"
"So, the stuff you post on PD..."
"I don't like the Principia Discordia"
"Well, some people on PD don't..."
"I don't like Discordianism. I disagree with all of it."
"Ohhh-kay, not what I'm asking, but..."

The landlord bursts in:
"I told you to be quiet! I'm taking the computers away!"
And he did so.

Hirley started to leave. All I wanted to know was what his stuff meant. I wanted to make some sense of it. I followed him out to the hallway.

Just as I exited the door, the landlord was at the bottom of the stairs yelling up:
"Attention all tenants! Come out here! I know one of you is intending on breaking your lease in a couple of months. I will find out who you are! I will take your computer away! And when you leave here you better keep paying the rent OR I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!!!"

For some reason, I knew that I was the one who would break the lease. I just moved in today and I already hate this guy. Guess I'll have to get a second job and a new computer.

Hirley keeps going, and exits the back door. I follow him out. He's smoking a cigarette. "Um, I'm Doktor Blight--err, Kevin, by the way," I say as I extend my hand.
"I don't care," he responds, ignoring the handshake.
"So seriously, what does this stuff mean?" I insisted, waving the paper a little for emphasis.
"That's just some stuff I type. There is no meaning."
"But, it has to make some sort of sense to you at least"
"No it doesn't, and no, it doesn't."

There was a knock at my door.
"Kevin, it's time for us to go and pick up your mother."

I must have been asleep.

[Doktor Howl]

Hirley0 is the Philo Drummond of PD.

[THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE]

Hirley0 is the Philo Drummond of PD.

Had to google that. Putting reading up on SubGenii on my list of things to do.