Application for Advertised Position

[Payne]

To The Human Resources / Recruitment department,

My name is The Good Reverend Payne, and I am writing in regards to the position
you advertised in a realy obscure corner of a recruitment website. It seems a hundred people have managed to find and apply for it already, and I am number one hundred and one. Apparently there are enough desperate plebs that even obscure corners are panned out long before even someone as asiduous as myself can copy paste a standard cover letter and CV onto an email addressed to you. By the time you read this, your eyes are bleeding and whatever compassion you've had for your fellow man is long dried up. Either that or you're an emotionless automaton. Hey, it happens.

I am really wanting to get a job. Not because I feel passion for your company (no not even a semi, here). Nor do I feel that working in a call centre trying to flog shitty insurance products (or whatever it is you people do, I couldn't decipher your advertisement or the corporate-speke on your site). No, I want a job because I've dragged my ass the length of the country and am currently living off of my girlfriend like a leech, mostly because the government isn't giving me enough money to keep myself fed and such. This is normally where I type down a bunch of platitudes that everyone seems to think prospective employees should write to make themselves seem attractive. Basically, if you hire me, I'll work my ass off to keep it. What more could you really ask for?

I've worked in various types of jobs in my time. From packing freshly baked "pies" on a factory line for an extremely dubious company to supervising a bar for a friend of mine who was managing an alread sinking and exploding ship before I joined up. I've done shitty jobs my entire working life, and I know how to do them well.

If you actually read my CV, you will note that I've been out of work for a while. It's really not my fault that I lost my shit and got thrown in a Psychiatric Ward, and that until recently I wasn't allowed to work. It wasn't like I was idle in that time though. It's just that writing shit like "I know exactly who I am now. I have such a high degree of self awareness that I can actually freak out my Psychiatrist." on a CV. I can't really write any of the shit down on my CV that I've done over the last few years, because I can't provide an official bit of paper saying that I have.

Well anyway. Give me a job! Save my relationship and my short to medium term future! I'll be so fucking grateful that I won't even bitch about you for at least 6 months. I promise...

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

S. Payne (The Motherfucking Messiah)
0*********9
*******@googlemail.com

[Cramulus]

  my roommate is the HR manager for his company. I need to show him this.

[Adios]

I would call you for an interview, if for no other reason than to meet you. 

[Payne]

I have made a metric shit-ton of applications in the last number of weeks. All of them couched in that easy-on-the-HR-departments-eyes language.

I'm fucking sick of it.

For every 10 or so applications (since I got to Southampton, anyway), I get one company who'll actually take me to a telephone interview (which I usually ace) and then a face-to-face interview. The first of these the company at least had the good grace to email me and tell me I didn't get it. The other two face to face interviews I've done - they haven't even gotten back to me.

Of everyone who has at least informed me that I've ben declined, exactly none of them have given me any feedback. Not even the ones who offer it.

I'm getting pissed off with it.

All the while I'm stuck on this "JobSeekers Allowance" provided by the government, and treated like fucking scum any time I go near the place I have to go to to sign in every two weeks, all for the privilege of a less than adequate pay cheque.

[Lies]

fucking

But yeah, as awesome as that letter is, it sucks that you're actually in that position. I feel for you Payne.

[Pixie]

This situation Payne is in worries me on a personal level. I am regularly getting assessed as to my fitness to work, and I worry that if I need to get my benefits switched I will have to battle to not go back to catering. I am currently assessed as having a limited capacity for work. This is fine, i can do some volunteering and retraining towards getting a more chilled job. But if they decide i am fit for work, I will have the same issues trying to GET a job, let alone change career path.

[Doktor Howl]

Needs spellchecking.

Other than that, would hire.

[Payne]

Needs spellchecking.

Other than that, would hire.

Yeah, I dunno if I'm quite ready to send one out like that. But the day is coming. And fast.

[Thurnez Isa]

Some constructive criticism
I would up it from 6 months to 12 to make yourself sound more professional
also take away "short" from "short to medium term future", it makes yourself sound desperate.
Also perhaps add a    at the end.