Alright, PD. In light of the fact it's Christmas, I thought I would share with you an excerpt from a project I'm working on. This is unpolished, and far from the final draft, but I figured some of you mythology spags might get a kick out of it.
Why Odysseus Is A Tool: A Completely Unbiased Analysis Of The Conduct Of The King of Ithaca In The Trojan War
After Alexander Paris, the son of Priam of Troy, abducted Helen, the wife of the Spartan king Menelaos, the son of Atrius went to his brother Agamemnon, and reminded him of the oath the suitors of Helen swore before she had chosen him to be her husband. "We had sworn, great brother, that we would each defend the holy marriage of Helen, to our dying breath. Odysseus, the clever king of Ithaca, suggested it, and we swore that day. Well, now the day has come in which Helen, my Helen, has been spirited away by a barbarian prince, after I showed him the xenia of our people!"
Agamemnon thought on this. "My brother, you are right, I shall gather together all those men who swore, this, and their allies, and their allies' allies! I will command an army he size of which has never before been seen, I will contribute 100 ships, and all shall bend the knee to my will! ...er, all for you, my brother." And so it was. Agamemnon gathered all of the greatest heroes to his... er, Menelaos' cause. Ajax the Greater of Salamis, Ajax the Lesser of Locris, wise old Nestor of Pylos, Diomedes, young king of Argos, Philoctetes, companion of Heracles, and many others.
Finally, it was time for them to go to Ithaca and fetch the cunning Odysseus. Agamemnon chose Palamedes and Nestor to accompany him to the home of the king of Ithaca. As they made their way up he excessively long drive way, Odysseus saw them and began to panic. "Oh fuck!" he cried with great vehemence. "Those douchebags actually remembered that oath thing! The only reason I proposed it was because I planned on cheating. Damn that bastard Icarius! When, he promised me a wife if I could prevent violence, I thought he meant Helen, not his own daughter!" It was not uncommon for Odysseus to narrate his life like this, which served him quite well when he found himself in the court of the Phaeacians. "Penny! Penny! They've come for me!" he called to his wife Penelope. "Look, stall them, tell them I'm insane. I have a cunning plan to get out of this oath once and for all!" He quickly ran out the back door to make good on his plan. He harnessed his mule to a plow and started plowing the sand of the beach, while singing the score of Meet Me in St. Louis.
By the time he had completed his preparations, Agamemnon and his companions arrived at the door and rang the bell. Rather, Nestor rang the bell gently as Agamemnon pounded violently on the door shouting. "Odysseus, you craven dog! Come out and make good on your oath!"
Penelope reluctantly answered the door with her newborn son Telemachus in her arms. "Odysseus is not in just n--" she began, but Agamemnon was already thrusting his way in.
"Odysseus! Where are you? You cowardly shrew! Helen has been abducted! You must go rescue her, and bring all your friends! I will win great glory on your back!" Nestor cleared his throat to snap Agamemnon back to the present. He had that look in his eye again. "Oh, hrm. Right. Hello, Mrs. Odysseus. What a beautiful boy, you have. He has his father's shifty eyes, that cowardly sod of a --"
A hard elbow from Nestor. "I mean... is your husband home? We have a bit of a war to get on with. Your cousin Helen's been kidnapped, and I am going to win... I mean, we are going to rescue her."
Penelope just nodded sadly. "Poor Odysseus! Would that he was well! Alas, alas, he is mad, mad, mad. Ever since his goldfish Lieutenant Shiny-sides died, he's done nothing but... umm... one second..." She ran and looked out the back window. " .. he's been plowing the beach and singing showtunes! Oh, woe is me!" She then began to sob melodramatically. Nestor and Palamedes exchanged a knowing glance, but Agamemnon was awestruck.
"How dreadful!" he called. "How am I to gain victory without the cowardly Odysseus to blame defeats on!? Let us go see if we can subdue him and bring him anyway!" Penelope's eyes grew wide as she attempted to redirect Agamemnon out of the house, but he was already storming out the back with Palamedes and Nestor close behind.
Odysseus glanced over and saw them, so he began to sing more fervently and plow faster. He acted as though he did not notice them. Agamemnon addressed him. "Now, you listen here, Odysseus. We are sailing to Troy and you are coming with us."
"With my high starched collar, and my high topped shoes, and my hair piled 'pon my head," was the reply from Odysseus.
Agamemnon grew angrier. "You craven coward! I know that this is just one of your tricks! No one is crazy enough to watch a Judy Garland film enough times to learn all the words to the songs!"
"I went to lose a jolly hour on the Trolley and lost my heart insteaaad!"
Agamemnon was bubbling with rage. He stood directly in front of the plow and started yelling at the top of his lungs. "Odysseus! You are no man! You are some sort of beast, if you have the stomach for musicals of that caliber!"
"With his light brown derby and his bright green tie, he was quite the handsomest of meeeeen!" Odysseus continued to sing, and Agamemnon just managed to avoid being trampled by the mule.
The son of Atreus looked to his companions, crestfallen. "Well, I suppose he really is crazy, if he doesn't even recognize that a man of my stature was in his path! Ah well, maybe we can blame any losses on one of those Ajax fellows..."
Penelope breathed a sigh of relief. Palamedes, however, had had quite enough. "Oh for the love of Zeus!" he cried, as he took young Telemachus from the arms of a shrieking Penelope and cast him into the path of the plow blade.
"Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ding, Ding, Ding went the bell! Zing, Zin-- I cannot do it! The chorus is too much!" Odysseus cried, as he diverted the mule from his young son. "Alright, you win! I will go with you to Troy!" When the plow came to a stop, he saw his son lying in sand. "Holy shit! I almost killed my own son! Well, that would have been a very unfortunate accident!"