Author Topic: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool  (Read 3288 times)

Phox

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An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« on: December 25, 2010, 06:38:10 am »
Alright, PD. In light of the fact it's Christmas, I thought I would share with you an excerpt from a project I'm working on. This is unpolished, and far from the final draft, but I figured some of you mythology spags might get a kick out of it.


Why Odysseus Is A Tool: A Completely Unbiased Analysis Of The Conduct Of The King of Ithaca In The Trojan War

After Alexander Paris, the son of Priam of Troy, abducted Helen, the wife of the Spartan king Menelaos, the son of Atrius went to his brother Agamemnon, and reminded him of the oath the suitors of Helen swore before she had chosen him to be her husband. "We had sworn, great brother, that we would each defend the holy marriage of Helen, to our dying breath. Odysseus, the clever king of Ithaca, suggested it, and we swore that day. Well, now the day has come in which Helen, my Helen, has been spirited away by a barbarian prince, after I showed him the xenia of our people!"

Agamemnon thought on this. "My brother, you are right, I shall gather together all those men who swore, this, and their allies, and their allies' allies! I will command an army he size of which has never before been seen, I will contribute 100 ships, and all shall bend the knee to my will! ...er, all for you, my brother." And so it was. Agamemnon gathered all of the greatest heroes to his... er, Menelaos' cause. Ajax the Greater of Salamis, Ajax the Lesser of Locris, wise old Nestor of Pylos, Diomedes, young king of Argos, Philoctetes,  companion of Heracles, and many others.

Finally, it was time for them to go to Ithaca and fetch the cunning Odysseus. Agamemnon chose Palamedes and Nestor to accompany him to the home of the king of Ithaca. As they made their way up he excessively long drive way, Odysseus saw them and began to panic. "Oh fuck!" he cried with great vehemence. "Those douchebags actually remembered that oath thing! The only reason I proposed it was because I planned on cheating. Damn that bastard Icarius! When, he promised me a wife if I could prevent violence, I thought he meant Helen, not his own daughter!" It was not uncommon for Odysseus to narrate his life like this, which served him quite well when he found himself in the court of the Phaeacians. "Penny! Penny! They've come for me!" he called to his wife Penelope. "Look, stall them, tell them I'm insane. I have a cunning plan to get out of this oath once and for all!" He quickly ran out the back door to make good on his plan. He harnessed his mule to a plow and started plowing the sand of the beach, while singing the score of Meet Me in St. Louis.

By the time he had completed his preparations, Agamemnon and his companions arrived at the door and rang the bell. Rather, Nestor rang the bell gently as Agamemnon pounded violently on the door shouting. "Odysseus, you  craven dog! Come out and make good on your oath!"

Penelope reluctantly answered the door with her newborn son Telemachus in her arms. "Odysseus is not in just n--" she began, but Agamemnon was already thrusting his way in.

"Odysseus! Where are you? You cowardly shrew! Helen has been abducted! You must go rescue her, and bring all your friends! I will win great glory on your back!" Nestor cleared his throat to snap Agamemnon back to the present. He had that look in his eye again. "Oh, hrm. Right. Hello, Mrs. Odysseus. What a beautiful boy, you have. He has his father's shifty eyes, that cowardly sod of a --"
 A hard elbow from Nestor. "I mean... is your husband home? We have a bit of a war to get on with. Your cousin Helen's been kidnapped, and I am going to win... I mean, we are going to rescue her."

Penelope just nodded sadly. "Poor Odysseus! Would that he was well! Alas, alas, he is mad, mad, mad. Ever since his goldfish Lieutenant Shiny-sides died, he's done nothing but... umm... one second..." She ran and looked out the back window. " .. he's been plowing the beach and singing showtunes! Oh, woe is me!" She then began to sob melodramatically. Nestor and Palamedes exchanged a knowing glance, but Agamemnon was awestruck.

"How dreadful!" he called. "How am I to gain victory without the cowardly Odysseus to blame defeats on!? Let us go see if we can subdue him and bring him anyway!" Penelope's eyes grew wide as she attempted to redirect Agamemnon out of the house, but he was already storming out the back with Palamedes and Nestor close behind.

Odysseus glanced over and saw them, so he began to sing more fervently and plow faster. He acted as though he did not notice them. Agamemnon addressed him. "Now, you listen here, Odysseus. We are sailing to Troy and you are coming with us."

"With my high starched collar, and my high topped shoes, and my hair piled 'pon my head," was the reply from Odysseus.

Agamemnon grew angrier. "You craven coward! I know that this is just one of your tricks! No one is crazy enough to watch a Judy Garland film enough times to learn all the words to the songs!"

"I went to lose a jolly hour on the Trolley and lost my heart insteaaad!"

Agamemnon was bubbling with rage. He stood directly in front of the plow and started yelling at the top of his lungs. "Odysseus! You are no man! You are some sort of beast, if you have the stomach for musicals of that caliber!"

"With his light brown derby and his bright green tie, he was quite the handsomest of meeeeen!" Odysseus continued to sing, and Agamemnon just managed to avoid being trampled by the mule.

The son of Atreus looked to his companions, crestfallen. "Well, I suppose he really is crazy, if he doesn't even recognize that a man of my stature was in his path! Ah well, maybe we can blame any losses on one of those Ajax fellows..."

Penelope breathed a sigh of relief. Palamedes, however, had had quite enough. "Oh for the love of Zeus!" he cried, as he took young Telemachus from the arms of a shrieking Penelope and cast him into the path of the plow blade.

"Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ding, Ding, Ding went the bell! Zing, Zin-- I cannot do it! The chorus is too much!" Odysseus cried, as he diverted the mule from his young son. "Alright, you win! I will go with you to Troy!" When the plow came to a stop, he saw his son lying in sand. "Holy shit! I almost killed my own son! Well, that would have been a very unfortunate accident!"

Roaring Biscuit!

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2010, 03:45:32 pm »
its givin me a chuckle in ma soul thus far

Xx

edd

Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2010, 07:48:43 pm »
its givin me a chuckle in ma soul thus far

Xx

edd

Glad you enjoyed it.  :)

Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2012, 06:30:06 pm »
Another excerpt:
After the Greeks had landed and set up camp, Odysseus found Palamedes out fishing on the shore alone. Seeing an opportunity, he seized it and strode over to the man. "Palamedes, my good friend," he called joyously. "There's something I wanted to discuss with you..."

"Fuck off, Odysseus," Palamedes replied. "I have nothing to say to you. Leave me be, and be on your way."

Odysseus clicked his tongue. "Now, I can't do that, Palamedes," he said softly. "You see, it's your fault I'm here. Had you not been looking at me with absolute disgust the entire time I was singing, I wouldn't have gotten so self-conscious. Oh, and you threw my fucking son in front of the plow. That was low, man. I mean, fucking low." At this point, the bubbles had stopped, so Odysseus raised Palamedes' head out of the water. "I'm glad we could have this talk, Palamedes." he said with a cruel smile as he pushed the corpse out into the sea.

Later, at camp Diomedes approached him. "Hey, Odysseus. Have you seen Palamedes around anywhere?"

Odysseus chuckled. "why, yes, I saw him out fishing earlier. He should have no trouble finding bait now. One might even say that he himself is bait for his bait."   He chuckled again in a more sinister manner.

Diomedes was aghast. "You killed him? But why?"

Odysseus stared intently at his companion. "No one make a fool of me. You may tell Agamemnon what I have done if you wish, I cannot stop you. But you know that my skills are necessary to win this war, so you must chose. Victory or justice."

Diomedes looked torn. "You have my word, I will tell no one of this, Odysseus."

Don Coyote

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2012, 06:32:29 pm »
Christ what an asshole. :lulz:
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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2012, 06:39:44 pm »
I prefer to think of him as more a Magnificent Bastard.  Which is assholism, but with style.
"The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before? Only the Logos allows one to mitigate that slavery. Only knowing the sources of thought and action allows us to own our thoughts and our actions, to throw off the yoke of circumstance."
- R. Scott Bakker, The Darkness That Comes Before

Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2012, 06:56:15 am »
I prefer to think of him as more a Magnificent Bastard.  Which is assholism, but with style.
Oh, certainly. He had style.

Don Coyote

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2012, 07:01:02 am »
Never said I didn't like him. The dude is awesome.
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Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2012, 07:22:54 am »
I shift fairly frequently between admiration and disdain for Odysseus. Though he certainly knew how to play the game, and deserves respect for it. Recently I've been tempted to view him in a more sympathetic light, but he still has his dick moments.  :lulz:

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2012, 05:04:13 am »
bump
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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2012, 07:02:54 am »
Keep it going, Phox! All the way to Odysseus deciding to walk around after the Trojan War is over, while Penelope weaves a tapestry and unravels it again every night for ten goddamn years to keep from having to fuck his meth mouth friends who flopped all over his house in his absence.
 :lulz:
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Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2012, 04:55:32 pm »
Keep it going, Phox! All the way to Odysseus deciding to walk around after the Trojan War is over, while Penelope weaves a tapestry and unravels it again every night for ten goddamn years to keep from having to fuck his meth mouth friends who flopped all over his house in his absence.
 :lulz:
That's the plan

Here's a nice story:

On the way to Troy, the expedition stopped off for supplies at several islands. Agamemnon, Philoctetes, Achilles, and Odysseus were among the landing party. It was these brave men who witnessed the downright bizarre series of events. On the first island they came to, Philoctetes bragged that it was here that he had personally scattered the ashes of Heracles. Intrigued, the others requested to see the very place that Heracles rested. However, Philoctetes had sworn never to reveal it. Under threat of death, he showed them by placing his right foot upon the spot. This proved to be a mistake, as his foot was immediately crippled and shriveled into a deformed mass of pure agony. The next island belonged to the nymph Chryse, and Philoctetes unluckily trespassed on her shrine,  resulting in a venomous snake biting his deformed foot. The third island Tenedos, found Achilles striking down King Tenes, the son of Apollo. After having trouble with his sister already, Agamemnon decided to appease Apollo as quickly as possible. The made a sacrifice to Apollo, but a snake came from the altar and struck at Achilles. The youth was too swift, however, and dodged the strike. Philoctetes, however was not so lucky, and the strike intended for Achilles' heel found Philoctetes' poor, poor foot. Finally, on Lemnos, a third snake, sent from Hera, who still desired to punish the companions of Heracles, attacked the massive target that was Philoctetes' right foot.

"Alright, now this is just fucking ridiculous," Odysseus said at last. "Phil is an Athena damned snake magnet. And he has a hex on him or something. Let's leave his crippled ass here."

There were murmurs of agreement, but Philoctetes spoke up. "Now, just a minute," he said frantically. "I'm fine. It's not so bad. Look, it's better than yesterday!" Seeing no sympathy, he desperately changed his plea. "I have the bow of Heracles you need me!"

Agamemnon shook his head. "Sorry, Phil, but Ody's right," he said authoritatively. "I mean look! Your foot is the size of a regulation NBA basketball! Dude, seriously, get some rest! If we need you, we'll send someone back to get you."

"No!" cried Philoctetes. "C'mon Aggie, just let me show you I can still be of use!"

Agamemnon shook his head. "Sorry, but my decision is final," turning to the others he said: "Alright, men! Let's move out! Next stop: Troy!" Cheers arose from the assembled men as they piled back into the boats. A chant of "Troy or Bust!" broke out.

Philoctetes raised an angry fist. "Odysseus, you cocksucker!" He called after the boats. "I'll never forgive you for this! You hear me!? NEVER!"

Sexy St. Nigel

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2012, 02:53:23 am »
I'm enjoying this a great deal.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

Phox

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2012, 03:53:33 pm »
I have several more of these little excerpts written out, and I will be trying to post one a day as long as they last, and then I shall (with Twid's leave) begin unveiling another glorious idea in a similar vein.

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Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2012, 07:25:10 am »
I have se ver
oH Maybe} Anyway My version: From the O'sage
White Foot was the NASCC (Um}? Ruler & she would let me In
K.A. was at the time dept head {anth and also chair Of NA studies
a new PsU dept, after the Arcatect finished turning the place she
built OVER. to me it was only natural to Listen AS SHE { easily heard
as a Greek Scholar  Would explain the Greek tradagies to Criss
{ Navaho | so shure i Listen when i had a chance, for I already
knew the Russians { funding the Filming of Criss as God Father 7
was to be a big CONtribeItOR in the upcomming Lock Downs @pcc
{ ok never mind the River clan Switch to Salt. So when I heard
the Gals R.G. & C.B. had been Listed for Spring, I did make my wonder
about N.V. A timid Li'L thing a bit to shy to be curator of CH41 on her
own. &  does need help with the Transition from book to USb bS
-
By Some coincident the height=69 string has captured my moments
AS an attempt to sort thru the skelaTONs in cH41 insues. the Lemars
{Um? Morst divers? of the Mammels | don't expect me to get it whrite
= =
its mostly long annatomical spelling with lots of 8x10 glossies
OK back to TNM IN order for K.A. to out me
As i already had the p.Man Link He had to Out White Foot
and as chair of NA studies was able to so due. exactly what
role the S.floods played is not lear to me at the moment
ONE day {i had a sched so could not make 75 and had to
ask the Library for the TAPE . only to discover AT THE LIBRARY
i was being set up by none other than SB , Some Bad vibes
probably the Zinfindel aroma from 59
4 get it where was thi
00:00 { nevr mind 1 Har to go.
"he height=69" No thats Me Height, he is about 6'2" of 6'5"
not 70 Kg more like 100 or 150 even. Ok pay ATTention,  Kid, is hers?
Look Just 'cause She Gave birth does not exactly mean it is.
He before she (after from across the Sea} Can be thought to have
an interest? U no doubt UNderstand those Triangle seXups more than i
i can only speculate the kid does NOT bear the name of the Father.

all that in Just 7 Min Leaving 53 to go. Bs Back to the Greek?
Ok picture this, the center was open {not on weekends)
(EVENT EXCEPTION} & the Delie Lamma had not yet arrived to stand
beside pole 3 SW to look out at me looking in
Lookout? SHE TW was giving the Greek I mean she was translating
the Greek into Navaho | so that | as the Air Condition | TAIL |
would be understood | by the NavHoes | for the | Russian |

Really cant U Har Har Har in some othe Tones {never mind then
:15 = 45 left   
Because by the time KA had managed to Sack the
Greek Translation | there won't be 1 | the trail leads off to OLD
Church is my guess | probably after Lent | the Condition of
the AIR condition will probably never be know. just as no one
at the UNiversity has the smarts to even get the Nez Perce
wall plack Voices bak to be heard once again

EnForced stupidity is such a drag. U should if you go to StoTT
find the NYPD blue boys cars there. the MAIN trail can be found
Naeth them by observation of Dryness Present  i'poise
22 ? TWO TAB approach