25. Pagan: (Noun) Pagans are groups of non-Christians that in some cases seem to consist entirely of token conservative Christians. There are several types which will be explained below, but they all have certain common characteristics:
1. They give themselves absolutely ridiculous and pompous screen names like "Ambermoon Darkleafwolf" or "Shadowborn Darkmoonsoul". If the word "wolf" appears anywhere in the name, they're not only goofy, but also a complete shitneck. Don't question it.
2. They all claim to be 63rd generation witches, despite the fact that they can't possibly know anything about their family further back than 6-7 generations. If they did, they'd be Mormons.
3. They all claim to have 30 years "experience", but answer all questions with "figure it out for yourself, I don't have time for novices" (Pee Stained Denturism, plus the fact that they're, well, frauds).
4. They claim to be universally tolerant, but in practice they hate everyone who isn't as goofy as them, or Christian.
5. They "work with" Gods. Like I "work with" my crew? What the hell kind of Gods do they have? "Hi, I'm John, the God down the street. Want to car pool?"
6. They all have very enlightened versions of some very grim Gods. When someone says they worship Odin, ask them how many thralls they hanged in his name last winter solstice.
Types of Pagans:
1. Eclectic Pagans: This type of Pagan worships every God they've ever heard of, with no regard to pantheon, conflicting belief, or even basic knowledge of who or what that God was. A common quote from Eclectic Pagans is "I just got tapped by Geb, and I feel really really close to him. Can anyone tell me anything about him?" Eclectic pagans pride themselves on "working with" the most obscure Gods possible...The pecking order is in fact based on who could dig up the most obscure diety.
2. Wiccans: These Pagans are easily recognizable...They're the ones dressed up like Thulsa Doom or Elvira at the local park, standing in circles and looking very solemn while people picnicking downwind try not to gag on the stench of patchouli and cheap incense. Wiccans are easily the snottiest of Pagans, and make utterly outrageous claims to abilities and experience in an attempt to gain dominance in the group. Also note that every single Wiccan on the planet is a high priest(ess) or "crone" of some kind. Lastly, Wiccans actively discourage converts, so that their "secrets" and "magick" (see below) won't be ruined, as happened to the Scientologists.
3. Christopagans: People who want to be Pagans, but are too afraid of the Christian God's wrath to make the jump. These people are born victims, and aren't happy if they aren't being persecuted, so have at it.
4. Conservopagans: Typically not pagans at all, these masquerade as Pagans for the purpose of setting up shop in a Pagan board's political section...Which they will then spam to death with Michelle Bachmann and Ann Coulter quotes. The few that actually ARE both conservative and Pagan are obviously a confused bunch, who side with people that want them dead. Sort of like having a Black Jew join the Klan.
5. Magicktards: These people believe they can blast demons, suspend time, and call up the dead. Point and laugh.
6. Sigil Pagans: Best described by the "Ellis" freaks at deathbylollipops.com, these freaks spend all day drawing cool squiggly lines, and then "charging" them. When asked why, they typically respond that they do so for the purpose of achieving things other people just do.
More to be added as I think of them, or more observational data becomes available.