Author Topic: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)  (Read 5440 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2011, 12:26:53 am »
16.  Pinealist (Noun)  A pinealist is one who throws "word salad" or other "zany" gibberish around in an attempt to be the weirdest guy in the room.  It can also refer to a person who falls into the error of viewing the Principia Discordia (or Robert Anton Wilson's stuff, for that matter) as dogma or holy writ.

This is typical of people who show up at PD (or a meetup, etc), and suddenly realize they aren't the weirdest person in the room anymore, and overcompensate.  Or, for some reason, they believe that since they just read the PD for the first time, the jokes will be funny (or new) for everyone else.

They either recover, or - tragically - wind up with the Myspace Discordians, where they continually jabber the same shit back and forth until they snap and suicide bomb the local old folks home.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2011, 12:27:17 am »
17.  Outlandish: (Adjective)  A particularly obnoxious version of pinealism (see above), an "outlandish" person spends all of his/her time trying to get everyone to look at how weird they appear...Not how weird they are, mind you, but how ridiculous they can dress, how many nude pics they have posted on the internet (when done to show how much they "don't give a fuck"), or - most horribly - how crazy their music/art is ("Check out my website, dude!").

The term comes from a quote from the late, unlamented Ambassador Klok Kaos (AKK), "I am known and noted for my outlandish clothing."

AKK, as everyone knows, was accidentally killed shortly thereafter, by John Holmes in a tragic glory hole accident that is best left undescribed.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2011, 12:27:36 am »
18.  Known and Noted: (Adjective)  You are "known and noted" when nobody will talk to you at parties, no matter how silly you dress or act.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2011, 12:28:08 am »
19.  Really Real Discordian: (Noun)  A Really Real Discordian, also known as a Really Real Discordian for Realness, is one who is here to tell you that you're doin' it wrong, and that you aren't a REAL Discordian, because your version differs from his/hers. 

Typically, Really Real Discordians appear on the scene as Pinealists, then when their word salad is ridiculed, they begin to explain that you're doin' it wrong...However, there is an even sadder type, who assume that an 8 year old forum full of Discordians obviously is in need of their guidance, and they'll say so on their first post.

This condition is almost certainly incurable, and the best thing you can do for them is to direct them to Loveshade's board so that they can see the error of their sinful ways.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2011, 12:28:33 am »
20:  Walking Glitch: (Noun)  There are two types of walking glitch: 

1.  A person who through no fault of their own - or at least intent - destroys or damages everything they come near.  People like this can't be cured, and are best sent to work in an Human Resources job.  Or politics.

2.  The finest (in my opinion) form of Discordian, one who tampers with everything they come across, sometimes improving things, sometimes making things go horribly, horribly wrong.  The tampering should be non-harmful to peoples' actual well-being, however, or the "walking glitch" usually turns out to be a "sociopath"...Though some exceptions may rarely occur.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2011, 12:28:58 am »
21.  The Fuckup Fairy: (Noun)  The Fuckup Fairy is that spirit that occasionally possesses people, and causes them to do the absolute worst possible thing in a given situation.  The Fuckup Fairy is an emmissary of The Dread God Finagle and His Mad Prophet Murphy (see below), and can be detected by the silly grin worn by the victim as he jams his junk in a meatgrinder, etc.

This is the creature responsible for you eating garlic before a first date, cross-wiring the jumper cables and killing your alternator, buying your wife an iron for her birthday, etc.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2011, 12:29:21 am »
22.  The Dread God Finagle and His Mad Prophet Murphy: (Noun)  Taken from Finagle's Law ("Perversity tends to a maximum"), and Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will", or in the original form, "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way."), these two beasties demonstrate why the Fuckup Fairy comes by, and why certain systems are simply unworkable.

At any given time, each person has a slight probability of being in the eye of these two awful beings, so the larger the group, the more likely it is that one or more of them will act in a perverse (see below) manner, and fuck up gloriously.  This includes all manner of activities, from government projects, to wedding planning, to "utopian" societies.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2011, 12:29:43 am »
23.  Perversity: (Noun)  Perversity is the tendency for people to not only fail to act in their own best interest, but to instead act directly against their own best interests.

In American politics, this is what causes working class people to argue in favor of the rich.  Demagogues like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity don't cause this, they simply provide the arguments the people in question use to express what they already want/believe.

It is also responsible for people having kids in a famine zone, yelling at the cop who pulled you over, sassing the judge, trying to cheat on their taxes without expert assistance, etc.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2011, 12:30:09 am »
24.  Filthy Assistant: (Noun)  This term is lifted from Warren Ellis' Transmetropolitan, but is used in a very different way.

A Filthy Assistant is a subordinate who makes him/herself obnoxious, and may or may not be useless, but is for some reason unfireable.

For example, my Filthy Assistant is a 60 year old with a bad pony tail, who listens to Glenn Beck with attention that can only be called religious, is upper working class and votes republican, hates (or disdains) all races other than his own, spends half his time trying to get my job, and the other half trying to do the purchasing agent's job, and owns nothing that hasn't got "Harley Davidson" embossed somewhere on it.  The reason he has his job is that he just had a bone marrow transplant last year, which isn't taking well, and if he didn't have health insurance, he'd literally die (I'm not willing to be responsible for that). 

Incidentally, he argues against health care reform.  Go figure.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2011, 12:30:38 am »
25.  Pagan: (Noun)  Pagans are groups of non-Christians that in some cases seem to consist entirely of token conservative Christians.  There are several types which will be explained below, but they all have certain common characteristics:

1.  They give themselves absolutely ridiculous and pompous screen names like "Ambermoon Darkleafwolf" or "Shadowborn Darkmoonsoul".  If the word "wolf" appears anywhere in the name, they're not only goofy, but also a complete shitneck.  Don't question it.

2.  They all claim to be 63rd generation witches, despite the fact that they can't possibly know anything about their family further back than 6-7 generations.  If they did, they'd be Mormons.

3.  They all claim to have 30 years "experience", but answer all questions with "figure it out for yourself, I don't have time for novices" (Pee Stained Denturism, plus the fact that they're, well, frauds).

4.  They claim to be universally tolerant, but in practice they hate everyone who isn't as goofy as them, or Christian.

5.  They "work with" Gods.  Like I "work with" my crew?  What the hell kind of Gods do they have?  "Hi, I'm John, the God down the street.  Want to car pool?"

6.  They all have very enlightened versions of some very grim Gods.  When someone says they worship Odin, ask them how many thralls they hanged in his name last winter solstice.

Types of Pagans:

1.  Eclectic Pagans:  This type of Pagan worships every God they've ever heard of, with no regard to pantheon, conflicting belief, or even basic knowledge of who or what that God was.  A common quote from Eclectic Pagans is "I just got tapped by Geb, and I feel really really close to him.  Can anyone tell me anything about him?"  Eclectic pagans pride themselves on "working with" the most obscure Gods possible...The pecking order is in fact based on who could dig up the most obscure diety. 

2.  Wiccans:  These Pagans are easily recognizable...They're the ones dressed up like Thulsa Doom or Elvira at the local park, standing in circles and looking very solemn while people picnicking downwind try not to gag on the stench of patchouli and cheap incense.  Wiccans are easily the snottiest of Pagans, and make utterly outrageous claims to abilities and experience in an attempt to gain dominance in the group.  Also note that every single Wiccan on the planet is a high priest(ess) or "crone" of some kind.  Lastly, Wiccans actively discourage converts, so that their "secrets" and "magick" (see below) won't be ruined, as happened to the Scientologists.

3.  Christopagans:  People who want to be Pagans, but are too afraid of the Christian God's wrath to make the jump.  These people are born victims, and aren't happy if they aren't being persecuted, so have at it.

4.  Conservopagans:  Typically not pagans at all, these masquerade as Pagans for the purpose of setting up shop in a Pagan board's political section...Which they will then spam to death with Michelle Bachmann and Ann Coulter quotes.  The few that actually ARE both conservative and Pagan are obviously a confused bunch, who side with people that want them dead.  Sort of like having a Black Jew join the Klan.

5.  Magicktards:  These people believe they can blast demons, suspend time, and call up the dead.  Point and laugh. 

6.  Sigil Pagans:  Best described by the "Ellis" freaks at deathbylollipops.com, these freaks spend all day drawing cool squiggly lines, and then "charging" them.  When asked why, they typically respond that they do so for the purpose of achieving things other people just do.

More to be added as I think of them, or more observational data becomes available.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2011, 12:31:14 am »
26.  Magick: (Noun)  This is a belief certain people have, and usually falls into one of two catagories, both of which are based on wish fulfillment fantasies and/or brain flukes.

1.  People who believe that "magick" actually affects the physical world.  These tards believe that they can make things levitate, cause things to catch fire (I can do that, but I use a zippo), call up demons and the dead, and "send healing energy".  They live in a fantasy world, and nothing you can say or do will change their minds, so content yourself with hooting with laughter, and move on.

2.  People who use "magick" as a means to concentrate.  These folks are usually found drawing squiggly lines and somehow "charging" them, in an effort to "remember" to improve themselves, etc.  While most people would simply tie a string around their finger, or send themselves an outlook notice, apparently squiggly lines are required for a certain type of person.  Usually harmless, but easily riled by demands for a concrete explanation of what they're doing.  If, however, you encourage them, they'll spam up the pics thread of your board for weeks with page after page of "sigils" that they can't or won't explain.  You have to be firm, and say "no", and perhaps hit them with a rolled up newspaper.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #26 on: March 08, 2011, 12:31:38 am »
27.  Christian: (Noun) A religion embracing love and forgiveness, that also specializes in marginalizing or even killing those who don't believe what they believe, or who err in small areas of scripture.  This is not to be confused with Christ, who seems to have been a really together dude.

Bonus Richterian definition:  (perjorative)  A person who performs one good deed a month, and manages to screw over at least 3 others while doing so.  Then runs off to tell God (aka. the megachurch regulars) what they did.

"So you jacked up on your brakes in heavy traffic and caused 3 collisions behind you to let an elderly man cross the road.  You're a real fucking Christian."
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #27 on: March 08, 2011, 12:32:00 am »
28.  Put The Rape To: (Verb) What happens when a woman forcefully has sex with a man (as if he's going to complain or something).

"Ima put the rape to you, boy!"
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #28 on: March 08, 2011, 12:32:23 am »
29.  Spout: (Verb)  To rant verbally, and at length.  This is sometimes voluntary, and is sometimes an involuntary rage response.  Examples of the former would be spouting a prepared/rehearsed rant at a devival, and a particularly horrendous example of the second was the horrible "Mumu" rant of last March, which lasted 15 minutes and resulted in Nurse Freeky and a few others almost losing their shit, pance-wise.  Unfortunately, it was never recorded for posterity.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Dirtbag
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 35056
    • View Profile
Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #29 on: March 08, 2011, 12:32:52 am »
30.  Death Coffee: (Noun)  Various versions of coffee designed to get you through whatever you're doing, no matter what.  From the original version, about 150% of normal strength, through the most recent cold brewed horrors (400%), Death coffee, when used correctly, will actually allow you to levitate.  Side effects include jitters, convulsions, rabid weasels in your torso, and the hideous fact that precisely three hours after you drink it, the whole world will fall out of your arse.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"