Author Topic: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)  (Read 5810 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #30 on: March 08, 2011, 12:33:14 am »
31.  Tucson: (Noun)  Tucson is a city in Southern Arizona (note that reputable cartographers disregard the possibility of "North" existing in Arizona) that is widely known for being Eris' Holy City.  Tucson has a metropolitan population of 1,023,320.  320 of these are not drug addicts, criminals, or snowbirds, though we're not so sure about the last 20.

Unlike most cities, Tucson has very few tall buildings, due to cheap land, which makes it more economical to build multiple small buildings.  This means that the few tall buildings (in the Legal District) have been forced to install extra diving boards on their roofs.

The city is informally divided into several districts:

The Legal District:  This is where the majority of courthouses (federal, state, county, municipal), bank offices, and similar interests are.  It is also the only district that has lawns, and that combined with the close proximity of the bus station guarantees that the legal district is swarming with homeless people who were forced onto busses in Phoenix under threat of jail.  This is also one of the three districts that have clubs, etc.

4th Avenue:  This begins at the Legal District, and Runs North to the University District.  It is a collection of headshops, bars, and has the dubious distinction of having - no shit - a tattoo parlor on every block, both sides of the street, for 4 miles.  Once a haven for perverts and degenerates of every kind, 4th Avenue was ruined by City Hall, when they "cleaned it up" to avoid panicking the parents of college students, and the incessant hordes of snow birds who want only slightly dirty fun.  The death of 4th Avenue as a legitimate cultural and moral sinkhole was marked by the closure of Filthy Joe's Porn Emporium in 2007.

The University District:  This includes the Campus of the University of Arizona, and all the attached bars, clubs, porn/sex toy shops, and restaurants that go along with any proper university.  The police are very active here, and anyone caught rubbernecking at coeds in halter tops typically gets beaten down and hauled in for Indecent Imposition.

The Maze:  Largely Industrial, the Maze sits directly East of the Legal District, and comprises about 30% of the area of Tucson proper.  So called because of the poor layout of the streets, it is quite easy to get completely lost in this region.  The Northern end of the Maze is where you'll find malls, game shops, and other assorted niceties, while the South has oil storage areas, industry, industrial supply houses, and Desert Dominion, the most exclusive bondage club in the Southwest (members only, requires fee, waivers, and safety briefing).

Davis Monthan AFB:  South and East of the Maze District, this is a huge Air Force Base that includes mile after mile of aircraft storage and boneyards.  It is THE cathedral to The Machine God (see below), and also the only reason Tucson continues to exist at all, other than the university.

Central Filth:  Moving North from the University District, Central filth extends from Drachmann to Grant Road, with all the horrible shit that falls between.  This is where the famed Meatrack is located, as well as the Venture Inn, and is the stomping ground of the closest thing Tucson has to a motorcycle gang, the infamous Dirty Boys from Grant Road.  Casual visitors here are typically raped with their own pets, folded into quarters, and fed to local homeless people and crazies.  Not kidding here.  Visitors to the City should NOT go here alone.

North Filth:  The city of Marana.  This is where people who can't afford to live in the OV (see below), but are too proud of their redneckism, dwell.  It is characterized by there being precisely nothing to do but get fatter and fatter at the IHOP.

Miracle Mile:  The red light district.  The crappy red light district.  This is where Tucson stores its meth whores.  Home of the infamous "Sherwood Manor" trailer park, which isn't technically on Miracle Mile, but is rather an adjunct.

The Foothills:  This is where the rich people and more affluent snowbirds live.  Homes range from $500K up, and the people are just as awful as you'd expect.  This area is not to be mistaken for the OV (see next), as people here actually ARE rich.  There are 5 resorts in this area alone, 4 of which are open to anyone who can afford $1500+/night, and one which is invite only.  Pulling weirdness here will most likely get you arrested.

The OV:  Short for Oro Valley, this is actually a separate city somewhat North of Tucson (separated by 1/2 mile of county), at a much higher elevation.  The home of the show-off-poor and the almost rich, this area is steadily depopulating as mortgages go upside down faster than bankers can possibly hope to track.  If you want to see what post-apocalypse America will look like, walk down a few streets in the OV.  Empty houses, pools full of black slime, sun-faded church signs, and tumbleweeds in the street all mark the passing of the American Nightmare. 

South Filth:  Starting at the Legal District and heading South toward Green Valley, South Filth is quite possibly the most dangerous area of Tucson (Technically, it is a separate city named "South Tucson", but nobody is fooled.).  This is the area where the infamous "dude who got shot while he was being shot" incident occurred, and these are the people that shot the Good Humor Man for the $47 in his cashbox, back in 2005.  There is precisely zero reason to go here for any normal person.  I go back there occasionally because I still have friends there, and I sometimes like to see if they're still alive.

The Hive:  East of most of the above, The Hive District is the incredibly vast area of cheap apartment buildings and cheaper 1950's houses that runs roughly from Reid Park on the West, to the City limits on the East, and from 29th Street on the South, to Grant Road on the North.  Nothing ever happens here, and people who are born here usually die here, from boredom.

What most people don't know is that everyone lives in Tucson.  Even people in Europe.  Tucson is a microcosm of every rotten, horrible part of the City you live in, even if you don't live in a city.  This term is called "Universal Tucson" (see below).

Also, see "The Tucson Effect" (see below).
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #31 on: March 08, 2011, 12:33:37 am »
32.  The Tucson Effect: (Noun)  The effect that Tucson has on humans, which is to say that any human who spends even one minute longer than 21 days in Tucson is doomed to stay.  Some folks have managed to leave, but invariably return.  If you are posted at the Air Force Base or Army Post, you have about a 50% chance of infection.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #32 on: March 08, 2011, 12:33:57 am »
33.  Universal Tucson: (Noun)  The philosophy that where ever you may be, Tucson will find you.  This explains otherwise inexplicable car wrecks, senseless stabbings, and rich kids getting hooked on H.  When your beautiful city suddenly seems to be simulantaneously sunbaked AND dark & horrible, you are witnessing this effect.  You can't get away.  Pray to your Gods that it takes someone else, then try to get on with your life.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #33 on: March 08, 2011, 12:34:20 am »
34.  The Machine God: (Noun)  Taken from Warhammer 40K, The Machine God is that spirit that causes machinery and electronics to function.  This includes your car, your computer, the power grid of your city, your cell phone, etc.  When these things fail to function, it is either because you have angered The Machine God, or because you have failed to perform the necessary maintenance rituals with proper reverence.  This means you're going to die under a bridge, sinner, and you have nobody to blame but yourself.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #34 on: March 08, 2011, 12:34:47 am »
35.  Eris: (Noun)  An ancient Greek minor Goddess (strife and discord), Eris is often misrepresented as a hot chick who encourages creativity, dancing in wildflowers, and other ridiculous hippie shit.  Eris was actually depicted by the Greeks as a withered crone, up to her ankles in blood, when she wasn't hanging out on the back of Ares' chariot, and inspired Hesiod to write about her and her children:

But abhorred Eris ('Strife') bare painful Ponos ('Toil/Labor'), Lethe ('Forgetfulness') and Limos ('Famine') and tearful Algea (Pains/Sorrows), Hysminai ('Fightings/Combats') also, Makhai ('Battles'), Phonoi ('Murders/Slaughterings'), Androctasiai ('Manslaughters'), Neikea ('Quarrels'), Pseudea ('Lies/Falsehoods'), Amphillogiai ('Disputes'), Dysnomia ('Lawlessness') and Ate ('Ruin/Folly'), all of one nature, and Horkos ('Oath') who most troubles men upon earth when anyone wilfully swears a false oath.

and

For one fosters evil war and battle, being cruel: her no man loves; but perforce, through the will of the deathless gods, men pay harsh Strife her honour due.

Choke on that, Pinealists.  You're worshipping the wrong God.  You were probably after Hedone, Hormes, or Philophrosyne.  Too late, now.  Sucks to be you.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #35 on: March 08, 2011, 12:35:11 am »
36.  The Blood God: (Noun)  Also swiped from 40K, The Blood God is central to the Richterian belief system, and is used to justify horrible beatings, road rage, and shoving hipsters into chippers. 

Sitting on his throne of skulls, the Blood God Khorne sees all, knows all, and hates all.  He exists solely to fucking your shit royally, unless you perform works in his name.  And they're only hipsters, right?  Best to play it safe, and get your battle axe today, to beat the rush.

From Liber Richterium:
Quote
...And said the Christians, "follow the lamb, and be like unto him"...But are not lambs slaughtered in the spring?  Who will defend thee when thy swords are ploughshares and thy spears unshod?  Nay, take up thy axe and thy sword, and cleave unto Khorne, and follow him through the horrors of winter, and plant thy harvest of souls in the spring.  BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!...
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
« Reply #36 on: March 08, 2011, 12:35:37 am »
37.  The Ham God: (Noun) A distant relative of The Blood God, The Ham God is the patron diety of pork shoulder, but is oddly enough most often invoked while driving.
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38.  Crazy Eddie: (Noun) You see Crazy Eddie every time a civilization begins to slip.  He has a well thought-out solution that he is certain will cure the issue.  Flat taxes, commodity-based currency, redefinitions of citizenship, privatization of roads and schools, etc.  Needless to say, the ideas donít work, because they donít address the root cause of any of the problems.  They canít.  But Crazy Eddie insists on trying, and invariably the problems magnify to the point where the society cannot continue, at least in its present form.

You can recognize Crazy Eddie, most of the time.  Heís the one screaming that we have to get rid of institutions and practices that worked for a century or more, before they were bollixed up via malfeasance.  He doesnít want to fix the institutions or practices, he wants to replace them.

Crazy Eddie canít fix the problems, but neither can you stop Crazy Eddie from trying.  Yell and scream all you like, heís going to fix the circuit boards with the help of his trusty hammer and chisel.  In fact, Crazy Eddie will do anything in his power to stop anyone from addressing REAL issues, because HEíS RIGHT AND YOUíRE WRONG.  Only his ideas have merit.  Engineers and amateur economists are more likely than anyone else to become Crazy Eddie, but lots of other people do, too (Mostly people asking who this ďJohn GaltĒ character is.).

Crazy Eddie is unstoppable, both because he is a divinely inspired idiot that takes ineptitude to near omnipotent levels, and because he has something the rest of the population lacks:  Belief.  He honestly believes everything he preaches, and a motivated fool is a force of nature.

« Last Edit: April 25, 2011, 08:46:51 pm by The Good Reverend Roger »
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39.  Belgium: (Noun) The part of Western Europe that isn't England, France, Italy, or Germany.  Cultural costumes include wooden shoes, spiked helmets, lederhosen, and very small cars.  A little known fact is that Belgium has the highest suicide rate in the world, on account of unshaven female armpits.

President:  Mosselman

Capitol:  the city of Holland

Language:  Phlegmish

Currency:  the Baguette

Independence:  1830 (From France)

Drives on the:  Everywhere

Famous for:  Being Germany's speed bump, waffles

Cultural achievements:  Bjork

« Last Edit: April 25, 2011, 08:46:34 pm by The Good Reverend Roger »
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The Good Reverend Roger

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40.  Pay'bucker: Noun A Po'bucker (cf) with money.  Basically, the same Nascar-watching, Limbaugh-listening fool, just with a respectable pile of filthy lucre.  Joe the Plumber was, for a short time, a Pay'bucker, but soon reverted to being a Po'bucker.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2011, 08:46:18 pm by The Good Reverend Roger »
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The Good Reverend Roger

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41.  Mr Scratch & Mr Chop: Proper Nouns  These are LMNO's bother-boys, whom he sends out to deal with minor nuisances, or to convey a less-than-fatal message (traumatic amputations, after all, aren't always fatal).  They usually show up at your house with the upside down people (cf), and keep you awake all night by tromping up and down the underside of your stairs.  When this is not considered sufficient, LMNO sends the Antignano Brothers (cf) around, and that's that.  

Nobody is really sure what Mr Scratch and Mr Chop look like, so it's best not to take chances.  If two goons are standing outside your door trying to start a chainsaw, it's probably them (If they're in your bathroom and the chainsaw is actually going, it's the Antignano Brothers, and you have about 3 seconds to make peace with whatever the hell it is that you freaks worship.)

The best way to defend against Mr Scratch and Mr Chop is to not piss LMNO off.  If by chance this can't be avoided, consult the Tucson Codex for the right patterns to paint on your door with blood and semen.  Please note that - contrary to popular myth - this will not also keep the police away.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2011, 08:46:02 pm by The Good Reverend Roger »
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The Good Reverend Roger

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42.  The Antignano Brothers: Proper Noun The Antignano Brothers are the most feared enforcers on the East coast.  They are the reason there's a New Bedford...They made an example out of the old one. 

Physically, they have been described as "Diesel locomotives poured into cheap suits", "a mustache Pete version of Hurricane Katrina", and "Ack!", this last from someone who got the arm put on them as they were being interviewed.

The brothers are so Italian that they can't leave the East coast unless they wear special suits with a forced olive oil supply, and debtors in Las Vegas have learned to dread the squishy noises that accompany their arrival.

Although they are willing to work for whomever will pay them, their primary employer is LMNO (aka "The Mustache", "The Latex Cowboy", et al).  When they show up, the fucking around is pretty much over, and they are the primary reason LMNO always gets things all his own way.
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Doktor Howl

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43.  Professor Cramulous Proper Noun  Professor Cramulous is a prominent member of the Swamp Yankee Alliance, and is a man of many parts1.  While some claim that he is a beacon of knowledge in an age of darkness, others claim he is a vile pervert who is personally responsible for the condition of upstate New York.  We cannot cast judgement on him, as he is not technically responsible for his actions, but here is what we do know:

Good Things
1.  Cram led the charge in exposing diabetics as the scourge they are.
2.  Cram invented Ballpipe2.
3.  Cram co-invented the art of WOMP.

Bad Things
1.  Cram shags cars until they explode.  He is incapable of resisting Mini Coopers and VW Bugs, claiming "They've got sexy fuel injectors".  This is why everyone takes the bus in New York.
2.  Cram invented Ballpipe.
3.  Cram is actually Nancy Pelosi.  He has this hideous, immobile rubber mask he wears when he travels to DC.




1  Granted, he needs most of those parts to survive.

2  MOST of those parts.  Not all, apparently.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2012, 06:38:21 pm »
44.  Baboonery: noun

1.  The state or condition of showing your inflamed ass before any sort of sufficient reason for a "pecking order" challenge has actually manifested.   

2.  The need for new people to show aforementioned ass as part of their introduction, to show the "old timers" that they have a bigger penis.  Apparently the one sticking out of their ass.

3.  The need for showing them all, months or years after a suffering what is perceived to be an offense.

4.  Digging in one's heels and screeching, to lessen the threat to your mating priveleges that can be caused by being wrong on the internet.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
« Reply #44 on: January 12, 2012, 06:42:47 pm »
45.  Upside Down People: Noun  Australians.  Particularly, Australians that come to America to leech our vital essences, and stomp up and down the underside of our stairwells all night.  This includes people from the "New Zealand" part of Australia.
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