31. Tucson: (Noun) Tucson is a city in Southern Arizona (note that reputable cartographers disregard the possibility of "North" existing in Arizona) that is widely known for being Eris' Holy City. Tucson has a metropolitan population of 1,023,320. 320 of these are not drug addicts, criminals, or snowbirds, though we're not so sure about the last 20.
Unlike most cities, Tucson has very few tall buildings, due to cheap land, which makes it more economical to build multiple small buildings. This means that the few tall buildings (in the Legal District) have been forced to install extra diving boards on their roofs.
The city is informally divided into several districts:
The Legal District: This is where the majority of courthouses (federal, state, county, municipal), bank offices, and similar interests are. It is also the only district that has lawns, and that combined with the close proximity of the bus station guarantees that the legal district is swarming with homeless people who were forced onto busses in Phoenix under threat of jail. This is also one of the three districts that have clubs, etc.
4th Avenue: This begins at the Legal District, and Runs North to the University District. It is a collection of headshops, bars, and has the dubious distinction of having - no shit - a tattoo parlor on every block, both sides of the street, for 4 miles. Once a haven for perverts and degenerates of every kind, 4th Avenue was ruined by City Hall, when they "cleaned it up" to avoid panicking the parents of college students, and the incessant hordes of snow birds who want only slightly dirty fun. The death of 4th Avenue as a legitimate cultural and moral sinkhole was marked by the closure of Filthy Joe's Porn Emporium in 2007.
The University District: This includes the Campus of the University of Arizona, and all the attached bars, clubs, porn/sex toy shops, and restaurants that go along with any proper university. The police are very active here, and anyone caught rubbernecking at coeds in halter tops typically gets beaten down and hauled in for Indecent Imposition.
The Maze: Largely Industrial, the Maze sits directly East of the Legal District, and comprises about 30% of the area of Tucson proper. So called because of the poor layout of the streets, it is quite easy to get completely lost in this region. The Northern end of the Maze is where you'll find malls, game shops, and other assorted niceties, while the South has oil storage areas, industry, industrial supply houses, and Desert Dominion, the most exclusive bondage club in the Southwest (members only, requires fee, waivers, and safety briefing).
Davis Monthan AFB: South and East of the Maze District, this is a huge Air Force Base that includes mile after mile of aircraft storage and boneyards. It is THE cathedral to The Machine God (see below), and also the only reason Tucson continues to exist at all, other than the university.
Central Filth: Moving North from the University District, Central filth extends from Drachmann to Grant Road, with all the horrible shit that falls between. This is where the famed Meatrack is located, as well as the Venture Inn, and is the stomping ground of the closest thing Tucson has to a motorcycle gang, the infamous Dirty Boys from Grant Road. Casual visitors here are typically raped with their own pets, folded into quarters, and fed to local homeless people and crazies. Not kidding here. Visitors to the City should NOT go here alone.
North Filth: The city of Marana. This is where people who can't afford to live in the OV (see below), but are too proud of their redneckism, dwell. It is characterized by there being precisely nothing to do but get fatter and fatter at the IHOP.
Miracle Mile: The red light district. The crappy red light district. This is where Tucson stores its meth whores. Home of the infamous "Sherwood Manor" trailer park, which isn't technically on Miracle Mile, but is rather an adjunct.
The Foothills: This is where the rich people and more affluent snowbirds live. Homes range from $500K up, and the people are just as awful as you'd expect. This area is not to be mistaken for the OV (see next), as people here actually ARE rich. There are 5 resorts in this area alone, 4 of which are open to anyone who can afford $1500+/night, and one which is invite only. Pulling weirdness here will most likely get you arrested.
The OV: Short for Oro Valley, this is actually a separate city somewhat North of Tucson (separated by 1/2 mile of county), at a much higher elevation. The home of the show-off-poor and the almost rich, this area is steadily depopulating as mortgages go upside down faster than bankers can possibly hope to track. If you want to see what post-apocalypse America will look like, walk down a few streets in the OV. Empty houses, pools full of black slime, sun-faded church signs, and tumbleweeds in the street all mark the passing of the American Nightmare.
South Filth: Starting at the Legal District and heading South toward Green Valley, South Filth is quite possibly the most dangerous area of Tucson (Technically, it is a separate city named "South Tucson", but nobody is fooled.). This is the area where the infamous "dude who got shot while he was being shot" incident occurred, and these are the people that shot the Good Humor Man for the $47 in his cashbox, back in 2005. There is precisely zero reason to go here for any normal person. I go back there occasionally because I still have friends there, and I sometimes like to see if they're still alive.
The Hive: East of most of the above, The Hive District is the incredibly vast area of cheap apartment buildings and cheaper 1950's houses that runs roughly from Reid Park on the West, to the City limits on the East, and from 29th Street on the South, to Grant Road on the North. Nothing ever happens here, and people who are born here usually die here, from boredom.
What most people don't know is that everyone lives in Tucson. Even people in Europe. Tucson is a microcosm of every rotten, horrible part of the City you live in, even if you don't live in a city. This term is called "Universal Tucson" (see below).
Also, see "The Tucson Effect" (see below).
