Author Topic: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™  (Read 12585 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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We all know that Herodotus just made shit up, Plutarch wasn't much better, and Tacitus was a gossipy old prude.  Nobody even knows who Homer was, or when he lived, so he isn't very reliable, either.  Modern "historians" are political hacks, and I rather suspect all historians - ever - were, too.

As your Spiritual Advisor™, though, I am pretty much omniscient, and I can give you the real goods.  Ask me anything about what really happened, and I'll set the record straight, once and for all.  This can range from "Who actually won a given war?", to, "How accurate was that one TV show?", to, "What part of Scotland's history caused them to be such amazingly friendly and outgoing people?"

DISCLAIMER:  As most teachers and professors are hidebound worshippers of people like "Bede" and some lady called "Livy", the use of these answers in school/university may garner less than desireable results.  Tell them what they want to hear, and spread the Truth™ in other venues.


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Thurnez Isa

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What were the causes of the decline of the Roman Empire?
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Jasper

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Why did Henry 8 REALLY need to keep remarrying?

AFK

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What really caused the sinking of the USS Maine? 
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Cainad (dec.)

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Semi-historical: What sociopolitical factors led to the current state of the History Channel? Nostradamus, UFOs, etc.

Luna

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What REALLY happened to the Titanic? 
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The Good Reverend Roger

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What were the causes of the decline of the Roman Empire?

Well, you'll hear all sorts of reasons ranging from "lead in the plumbing" to "The Roman Empire was a big hollow shell that cracked like an egg when the Huns, Visigoths, etc, showed up", to "complexity that couldn't be handled with then-current technology, even via an aristocracy", but that's all hogwash.

Likewise, you'll hear from the religious tards that "moral degeneration" (read: homosexuality) led to their downfall, but if that were the case, they'd never have gotten started in the first place.

No, the real reason the Roman Empire declined was that the bloody Christians took all the FUN out of it.  Why BOTHER with an empire, if you can't have kickass Gods like Mithra and Venus?  Fuck that, you're working your ass off for nothing.  So they convinced some schmuck barbarians to take over, then they fucking quit and started up the Mafia, where they could go back to having a good time.

This is why Italy hasn't won a war since.  Think about it...All that work, and what do you get for it?  Piss on that, sit back and drink some Grappa, while the Americans and Germans kick the snot out of each other.  The Italians are still relaxed today, and we're busy dying of stress-related heart attacks.

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The Good Reverend Roger

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Why did Henry 8 REALLY need to keep remarrying?

He didn't.  This was really the biggest mistake of his reign.  I mean, you're the KING, right?  YOU make the rules.  So you just bang hotties until one pumps out a son.  When someone complains, you cut THEIR head off, instead of the hottie's.  Less pissy barons, more smokin' hot babes.

Problem is, Henry had one FUCK of a case of shingles1, and was unable to exert the necessary force of character to make that happen.


1  I've heard it was venereal disease of some kind, which isn't possible, due to the fact that he used Cardinal Wolsey as a condom, and Scurvy is right out, because Henry wasn't a sailor.  Where DO "historians" get this garbage?
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The Good Reverend Roger

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What really caused the sinking of the USS Maine? 

Fidel Castro, obviously.  He's had it out for us since the 1950s.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Semi-historical: What sociopolitical factors led to the current state of the History Channel? Nostradamus, UFOs, etc.

Market forces.  Do you REALLY imagine that the average American wants to know the history of the Hoover Dam, or the myriad factors that led the world into The Great War?

Or do you suppose that maybe they want to be told that the world operates upon mystic principles that they can control or foresee by watching some tard interpret the drunken ravings of Nostradumbass?
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Jasper

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Re: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2011, 05:19:55 pm »
Why did Henry 8 REALLY need to keep remarrying?

He didn't.  This was really the biggest mistake of his reign.  I mean, you're the KING, right?  YOU make the rules.  So you just bang hotties until one pumps out a son.  When someone complains, you cut THEIR head off, instead of the hottie's.  Less pissy barons, more smokin' hot babes.

Problem is, Henry had one FUCK of a case of shingles1, and was unable to exert the necessary force of character to make that happen.


1  I've heard it was venereal disease of some kind, which isn't possible, due to the fact that he used Cardinal Wolsey as a condom, and Scurvy is right out, because Henry wasn't a sailor.  Where DO "historians" get this garbage?


I am getting the irresponsible urge to tell this to my history prof, just to see him express an emotion.

ETA:  I will also tell the story exactly like this from now on.

Adios

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Re: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2011, 05:22:06 pm »
Why did the Japanese really attack Alaska?

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2011, 05:22:42 pm »
What REALLY happened to the Titanic? 

Torpedoed by a Uboat.  Very sad.  The Germans had this one officer that jumped the fucking gun every time.  "Too Soon Karl", they called him, and not without good reason.  He was told to attack on a particular date and time, but he figured he'd get the credit for the first kill, by starting two years early.

He was sternly reprimanded, and the whole thing was hushed-up and some cock & bull story about an iceberg was advanced, even though everyone knows that ice can't hurt steel.  Take a hammer and beat on an ice cube, to prove it to yourself.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2011, 05:27:38 pm »
Why did the Japanese really attack Alaska?

They didn't.  They may have MEANT to, but they "pulled a Columbus" when they found the Aelutian Islands.
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Re: ITT, You ask TGRR anything about history, and get the REAL TRUTH™
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2011, 05:29:03 pm »
Why did the Japanese really attack Alaska?

They didn't.  They may have MEANT to, but they "pulled a Columbus" when they found the Aelutian Islands.


:spittake:

I do hereby solemnly confirm this as Great Truth™.