Author Topic: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review  (Read 5771 times)

Eater of Clowns

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Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« on: May 31, 2011, 12:07:54 am »
It was following a lack of sleep and a long morning of bacon and driving that Blight and myself walked purposefully into a Connecticut liquor store.  Our pace was made by no ordinary determination to buy beer but actually a particular difficulty in moving through humidity so thick it tasted like ice cream flavored with the sins of the nearby casinos.  We did this shit for the gleeful demons who demanded malted beverage to slake a thirst primal, perverse, and acute.  There was no direction to the type of beer so much as there was a repetitive qualifier:  lots.

Blight and I made our way across an adequate selection discussing the intricacies of purchasing a drinkable choice without dropping enough cash to red flag ourselves as deeply pocketed criminals on every agency watch list in the state.  The cooler stacked up cases of vile waste and overpriced swill alike but for a small spot on the top shelf catching our eyes as we exited carrying our weight in cardboard, glass, and booze.  There were words that I could not comprehend, like a nightmare that feels real but defies description.  Budweiser was one.  A hated word.  And something else.

The grocery team was across the parking lot so we rendezvoused in the blank bland aisles with Richter, Leln, and Torte.  I stood there and I thought.  They tossed quantities of food in a cart never meant to be so burdened.  There was something wrong there that I could not shake.  Blight was gone as well, his mind left behind in that cooler.  We walked back.

Clamato.  That was it.  Budweiser and Clamato.  With salt and lime.  It was one of those comforting moments where we realize no, we are not mad, it is the world that is mad and this thought was mixed with the singular purpose of needing to buy this four pack of pure fucking absurdity.  Oh, and another 30 rack because fuck it.  The cashier saw us again and asked if we forgot something and I said “Yes, this.”  He confusedly scanned the can to find that they only rang up one at a time.  Nobody ever bought an entire four pack of this.  They weren’t even prepared for such an eventuality.

Subjecting ourselves to a mixture of piss beer, tomato juice and clam juice was one of those things that was done with such gusto that before I knew it Cram and Richter were outside shaking their cans with vigor and unconcern.  The tab clicked the concoction open and we sipped and we did not speak and we passed the can to the next and, unsurprisingly, it came rather quickly back.

It was at this time that another Discordian guest arrived.  He was handed the can and drank deeply and he turned and sprayed that amount in a fine mist.  Many described it as terrible.  This is not untrue, it is terrible.  It exists to be terrible.  Being terrible is the only fucking thing this could ever be and as such it succeeded so gloriously that it might be one of the most impressive beers I’ve had the distinct honor of guzzling with a very intense self loathing. 

I believe Cram said that he didn’t dislike it at first, but with each successive sip he hated it more distinctly.  It would explain why all but one can was abandoned entirely.  My can.  Because it had to be done.  And Cram was wrong, here.  With each successive sip I did not hate it more distinctly.  Rather, with each successive sip I hated myself more distinctly.  It is common to know regret following a long bit of excess revelry.  It is not common to know it immediately and fully, and continue with that same act by your own free will.  And for that, Budweiser & Clamato is a drinking experience like none other.
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Jasper

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2011, 12:28:17 am »
I am so worried right now that I will one day try this.

Cuddlefish

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2011, 01:31:13 am »
Fucking. Mittens. Period.
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Luna

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2011, 01:35:29 am »
tl;dl version:

Warning:  This shit is VILE.
 
Whatever sick bastard came up with this idea needs to be taken out to the middle of a dirt road, be knocked on his face, have his tongue pulled out and stapled to the ground, and have the entire population of the Meatup walk across that tongue.  In our socks.
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Eater of Clowns

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2011, 01:36:20 am »
I am so worried right now that I will one day try this.

May you, Jasper.  May you try it and enjoy it, not for its taste, but for its audacity.
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Luna

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2011, 01:52:11 am »
I'm convinced EoC brought this shit back strictly for revenge.  He KNEW what the Weapon X was going to do to him...
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
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"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

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"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

Eater of Clowns

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2011, 01:57:40 am »
I'm convinced EoC brought this shit back strictly for revenge.  He KNEW what the Weapon X was going to do to him...

See, I'm considering the idea that what happened the next day is the B&C's fault, as there was no burning and a curious link between me being the only one afflicted and me also being the only to have finished a whole can.

In retrospect, one can would probably have done us just fine for everyone there.
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

EoC doesn't make creepy.

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the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Luna

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2011, 02:03:06 am »
I'm convinced EoC brought this shit back strictly for revenge.  He KNEW what the Weapon X was going to do to him...

See, I'm considering the idea that what happened the next day is the B&C's fault, as there was no burning and a curious link between me being the only one afflicted and me also being the only to have finished a whole can.

In retrospect, one can would probably have done us just fine for everyone there.

Snapping a picture of the can would have done us just fine for everyone there.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

N E T

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2011, 02:28:50 am »
I don't know... it sounds like an improvement over just Budweiser.
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Eater of Clowns

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2011, 02:30:40 am »
I don't know... it sounds like an improvement over just Budweiser.

Yeah, I did say I finished it.   :)
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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2011, 03:08:13 am »
:vom:
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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2011, 03:19:22 am »
I am so worried right now that I will one day try this.

May you, Jasper.  May you try it and enjoy it, not for its taste, but for its audacity.

THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF!

I'll start with clamato and bud, and I'll get hooked on it, not for the gustatory experience, not for the alcohol, but for the perverted glee of doing something you're really not supposed to that isn't even fun.

Bud and Clamato is the mung jumping of beverages.

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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2011, 03:35:25 am »
Bud and Clamato is the mung jumping of beverages.

:vom: :vom: :vom:
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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2011, 06:32:44 am »
That was a beautiful post.

Also, one incarnation of this delicacy is known in Pennsylvania as "red beer". Another, near the US/Mexico border is served with ample hot sauce, lime, and salt, and is known as "Chelada".

In the desert, it grows on you.
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Re: Budweiser & Clamato: A Review
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2011, 06:38:57 am »
That was a beautiful post.

Also, one incarnation of this delicacy is known in Pennsylvania as "red beer". Another, near the US/Mexico border is served with ample hot sauce, lime, and salt, and is known as "Chelada".

In the desert, it grows on you.

Y'know, I was thinking that it would have been more pallateable with hot sauce.
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