Having seen the most recent batch of pics depicting you and your hooligan friends out trampling the wildlife, I now understand why California is the Godless sinkhole of iniquity that it has become. I notice, however, that there is no indication of how that little excursion was funded, is there?
Don’t tell me, because I can guess. You hoodlums have been out mugging unsuspecting Tea Party members, haven’t you? I can read it all over your smug & depraved demeanors. Anything to get your “fix”, when God knows you people should be acting like good young Americans, and watching TV until your ass bonds with the couch, like that lady in Alabama.
You people just don’t know how good you have it. We here in Tucson would KILL to be able to take a walk without being burned to a crisp, bitten by some horrible poisonous and/or rabid animal...Or getting shot full of holes by the crazy neighbor wearing nothing more than horribly stained underwear, a tinfoil-lined Kevlar helmet, and the “Jesus & Palin 2012” sticker pasted to his beer gut. It’s fucking awful.
Yes, Kit, it’s all we can do here to not just jam the assault rifles out the mail slot and blaze away, before low-crawling to the car each morning. This would, in fact, be the best tactic, if it weren’t for the Goddamn wood scorpions. Little buggers look just like a pebble, and they’ll make you swell up like Teddy Kennedy if you give them a chance. So, instead, we throw small animals out the back door - as a diversion - and then make a run for it. It’s cruel, but what else can we do? These are grim days.
So you get to the Jeep more or less in one piece, and crank the key, hoping meth heads haven’t siphoned out all the gasoline the previous night (I live in a nice neighborhood, therefore this isn’t a certainty), and throw it in reverse. Then there’s that horrible double thump that says you’re going to need another paperboy (I was a paperboy, back when I was a kid, and I moved way faster than these little toads do nowadays).
Then it’s screaming down the surface streets, trying to get to the highway. Even at 4AM, this is not a foregone conclusion. The hardcore freaks are still out (Sun comes up at 4:35AM), and they are liable to do anything at that hour. They get suicidal, I am told, when it looks like the party is over for another 10 hours. You also have to contend with other drivers, and that is no small issue, here in a retirement state.
Okay, onto the highway, dodging the huge trucks driven erratically by speed-freaks and meth users, and you start looking around for the Horror of the Day™. This morning, it was a semi barreling along, dragging the carcass of what might have been a cow stuffed halfway up into a wheel well.
You’ve now been (technically) awake for 45 minutes, and another horrible day in Tucson is just beginning. Just think, you only have another 15 hours to go. I love it here, and I’ll never, ever leave.
In fact, I think I’ll say that I’ll let you keep your “nature walks”. It’s more fun here...And you, like those spags out East, have too much nature, and it’s bad for you. Did you know they have rivers that actually have water in them, and they let it all drain out into the ocean? They’re spoiled, that’s what they are. I know this, because I saw with my own eyes, a little more than a year ago, when I paid a visit to Richter and Suu and the other spags...Including LMNO.
A word of warning: LMNO is a bad person. He pretends to be your average, everyday Big Gay Cowboy, but the horrible truth is that he’s behind every major crime East of the Mississippi. I say this without fear, for his enforcers are all Italians, and burst into flames when exposed to the Arizona sun. So long as I remain in my mountaintop fortress of arrogance, I am perfectly safe...When they start making SPF5000 sunscreen, I’ll buy more ammunition.
But yeah, you keep the hikes, and I’ll keep Tucson, where Nurse Enabler and Freeky sing to me every night, like Shehezarade used to do for that Arabian fellow. They sing to me of ancient heroes, like Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday and Richard Nixon, while we all curl up on the floor clinging - as President Obama said - to our guns and our religion.
But I’m kind of thinking that we aren’t clinging to the religion he thinks we’re clinging to. No. You of all people know what I’m talking about...The best of the One True Religions, here in The City of Eris, where everyone can hear you scream, but nobody cares...And if they do, it’s only that they can steal your boots once you’re a deader.
On a completely unrelated subject, you have to tell us how that crazy sister of yours got her nickname. We are puzzled...”Shoe Ears” isn’t exactly self-explanatory (or at least it shouldn’t be), and more to the point, we have money riding on this. So dish with the gossip, already.
We are, however, impressed with her. She walked straight into a blizzard of shit named AKK, and came out in once piece, on her first day. That’s no small achievement...I mean, AKK isn’t exactly an intellectual giant, but he IS persistent and annoying as hell, and he’s run off established users in his various incarnations on PD.
Well, I have to wrap this up. My boss keeps pinging my email with “urgent” messages that probably just mean something’s on fire again. I swear, that man is jumpier than Gabby Giffords’ security detail. So, in closing, should you ever have to pass through Tucson on I-10, stay in the left lane and go like hell. There’s nothing good for you lowlanders here, and Arizona doesn’t honor diplomatic immunity with California.
Okay for now,