Author Topic: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...  (Read 117 times)

NoLeDeMiel

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Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« on: August 28, 2014, 03:34:18 pm »
My daughter and her mom have started beefing about the appropriateness of clothing choices.

She's thirteen. A bit of a hellion, but much less so than either her mother or I were at that age. I am kind of unable to get my head around clothing being an issue, but I always have to be mindful of how much residual "oi, oi, oi" I have left in me. And with some people that I respect a lot so adamant in defense of proper and adequate coverage, or whatever the standard is, I'm kind of shaky on where I stand.

Speaking of people I respect a lot, any opinions from the spag gallery?

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« Last Edit: August 28, 2014, 03:38:23 pm by NoLeDeMiel »
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Re: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2014, 03:50:18 pm »
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Re: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2014, 03:54:01 pm »
I'm like you NoLeDeMiel, so I can't help.
For me, clothing is the stuff you put on your body to prevent the screams.
It usually works.

I'm supposed to be the best man at a wedding in a suit and stuff. I'm pretty sure I can suppress the tie/choking-related panicattack long enough to get through the ceremony but the whole suit thing just baffles me. I told my friend to dress me and tell me how my hair should look and that seems to be working.
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Re: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2014, 04:31:13 pm »
My daughter and her mom have started beefing about the appropriateness of clothing choices.

She's thirteen. A bit of a hellion, but much less so than either her mother or I were at that age. I am kind of unable to get my head around clothing being an issue, but I always have to be mindful of how much residual "oi, oi, oi" I have left in me. And with some people that I respect a lot so adamant in defense of proper and adequate coverage, or whatever the standard is, I'm kind of shaky on where I stand.

Speaking of people I respect a lot, any opinions from the spag gallery?

***I did not mean to post this is AI. If someone wants to pop it over to Apple Talk, that's where it was meant to live.

I always allowed my kids to dress as they pleased at about age 12, so long as it wouldn't get them arrested.  Same thing with hairstyles.  They turned out fine.

One less thing for kids to rebel against, you see.  And rebellion is NOT inevitable, and is in fact often reasonable.  It's just that kids lack the communication skills to express their viewpoint, and adults never listen to kids anyway, even if they think they do. 
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Re: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2014, 04:40:56 pm »
My parents were pretty laid back and never gave me much grief. But I was always the jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, but I did have some interesting wardrobe choices when the situation called for it.

I don't have my own children, but, as a woman who was once a young woman in her teens, as long as she is comfortable and it doesn't get her in trouble in school with the stupid dress codes, go for it. I could say, "Oh, be modest, wear this, wear that..." but a woman can and SHOULD always feel confident about her body and in her clothing choices. If it is a bit too sexualized or revealing, it's not my place to judge. You guys are still her parents and will always have the final say.  Let her experiment and find a style she likes, and be supportive.

In the end, it was my school that bothered me more about a tank top than my parents ever did. We lived in Florida, and they didn't allow spaghetti straps. WTF?
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Re: Moms, Dads, People With Opinions...
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2014, 05:43:05 pm »
I never saw much point in battling with kids over their clothing. Last time I saw your kid she looked like a little girl, but if she has reached a point where she no longer looks like a little girl I definitely would suggest a talk with your daughter that goes along the lines of "Because your body looks like a woman's body, you may start getting unwanted attention from creepy older men, and I just wanted that to not take you by surprise. You don't have to be polite about it, feel free to loudly tell them to fuck off, or threaten to call the police".

Mostly, kids at that age are starting to feel like sexy beings and want to dress like sexy beings to celebrate and experiment with their newfound almost-adult bodies. It's far more important to provide parental support at that age than attempt to exert parental control; if you tell them it's her choice but that certain things make you uncomfortable because of <reasons>, and they are good reasons and not "because you look like a slut", they are likely to respect and listen to your opinions. As long as you don't revert to exerting control when they don't listen to your reasons.

In adolescence, parents do best acting as scaffolding and support systems for their budding independence. They need us to be there as advisors and support, and they need our love and approval even more than they did in middle childhood, as well as appropriate boundaries like teaching them to live respectfully in a household with other people, but they also have a drive to be independent and trying to control their expressions of independence pushes them away and damages their trust.
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