Brothers & Sisters,
I am here to talk to you today about the dangers of the Discordian Fundamentalist Heresy. I refer specifically to those Discordians that believe that “chaos” means pope cards, turkey curses, and happy children dancing in the wildflowers.
Not only does this heretical thought fly in the face of everything we know about Eris, it also leads to the persecution of the Horrible Truthists, who merely wish to describe the universe the way it IS, rather than the way the heretics want it to be.
Don’t think we don’t notice the snide comments, the petty put-downs, and the harping on how telling it like it is “will drive away new members”. Don’t think we don’t realize that the heretics plot and plan to drag us all kicking and screaming into some bizarre utopia where we will be forced to speak gibberish and play “3 word story”.
Oh, yes. We see all of this, we see all of this and more, and I can tell you plainly that we don’t give a shit about what potential “new members” think, if these hypothetical new members oppose The Truth™. For The Truth™ is all that matters, and if you see us coming, Bubba, you’d better run. ..Because we will march on a road of bones, if that’s what it takes to defend ourselves against the perfidious hippies and loveburgers that hound our very steps.
As a wise man once said, “Your approval is not our concern.”
No, we shall not rest until this heresy has been burned out, purged in a Richterian inquisition, the excesses of which shall make Torquemada look like Mister Rogers. We have grown weary of your petty slights, the glances down your noses at our Holy Work™, and the time of reckoning has come. Grab your copies of the peedee and your pope cards, heathens, and run for the hills. Flee, though it shall avail you not. We shall pursue you tirelessly, to stop this awful persecution you have been fobbing off as “orthodox Discordianism”.
And when you are gone, we will stride boldly forward into a bright tomorrow, in the manner in which the founders intended. Pure, clean, and free of the taint of heresy which you have stained our beloved religion with.
Okay for now,