Author Topic: Who Are We?  (Read 4425 times)

BadBeast

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #30 on: December 25, 2011, 05:42:32 am »
Who are we?
We are the people, who realise that even the word "people" makes a distinction that you hadn't previously considered.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

BadBeast

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #31 on: December 25, 2011, 05:56:03 am »
Who are we?
We are the World, we are the children. We are the ones who make a better day, so let's start giving!
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

LMNO

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #32 on: December 25, 2011, 03:48:47 pm »
We are, in fact, the droids you are looking for.

BadBeast

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #33 on: December 25, 2011, 05:45:29 pm »
But we are not however, the droids you thought you were looking for.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

The Half-Eaten Waffle

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #34 on: December 25, 2011, 08:33:31 pm »
Who are we?
We are the ones who drink all your booze, steal your shoes, and rearrange your living room.
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


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BadBeast

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #35 on: December 25, 2011, 09:03:20 pm »
Who are we?
We are the Instigators, the black hand of history, and we drive everywhere in white Fiat Unos.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #36 on: December 26, 2011, 02:28:01 am »
We're the getting lazy with the joke people.  We take a fairly sinister collection of information-void paragraphs and reduce them to a one-liner, because that's all you have time for in this busy, workaday world.  You know you don't need more than that...It might cause you to have ideas, like people in tiny countries have.  And let's face it, if these ideas were worth anything, those countries would be big and strong like ours, and everyone with ideas would be beaten by the police in their indefinite detention cells.  So we keep them simple.  Short.  Appealing.

Who are we?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

BadBeast

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #37 on: December 26, 2011, 04:54:07 am »
Who are we?
We are the sideways people, who slip between the spaces of your World, fucking with your reality tunnels.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

LMNO

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #38 on: December 26, 2011, 05:05:51 am »
We're the getting lazy with the joke people.  We take a fairly sinister collection of information-void paragraphs and reduce them to a one-liner, because that's all you have time for in this busy, workaday world.  You know you don't need more than that...It might cause you to have ideas, like people in tiny countries have.  And let's face it, if these ideas were worth anything, those countries would be big and strong like ours, and everyone with ideas would be beaten by the police in their indefinite detention cells.  So we keep them simple.  Short.  Appealing.

Who are we?

Guilty.

Pæs

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #39 on: December 26, 2011, 10:42:02 am »
We're the getting lazy with the joke people.  We take a fairly sinister collection of information-void paragraphs and reduce them to a one-liner, because that's all you have time for in this busy, workaday world.  You know you don't need more than that...It might cause you to have ideas, like people in tiny countries have.  And let's face it, if these ideas were worth anything, those countries would be big and strong like ours, and everyone with ideas would be beaten by the police in their indefinite detention cells.  So we keep them simple.  Short.  Appealing.

Who are we?

We're the soundbite people, selling Truth Abridged™, pre-processed, pre-chewed, regurgitated data. We're the pruning people, the précis people. Trust us, we've combed through the facts and we've picked out the ones you need and reduced them to bite-sized morsels for your consumption. Acronymised and abbreviated because it's tl;dr and there are more important things that require your immediate attention.
You can take it in at a glance, during the ad-break, and not have to risk missing a moment of your favourite shows, thanks to our patented White Swan Lossy Data Compression system which we run the Truth™ through, not once, not twice but a grand total of FIVE times before sending it to you! Want something a little more satisfying? No trouble! Simply add your own narrative and the facts swell back up to their original size*.

We're the Discordianism is One Sentence people, undermining our own message in its delivery. We're proving that not only can complexity emerge from simple rulesets but simplicity can bubble up from chaos, too.

Who are we?

*Full terms and conditions available at http://bit.ly/umZ7Ii
« Last Edit: December 26, 2011, 10:44:47 am by Beardman Meow »

Placid Dingo

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #40 on: December 26, 2011, 10:48:47 am »
If sheep entrails could in any way be related to the weather, i.e. sheep trails only originate where it rains, then you could use it as an accurate model for discerning what the weathers going to be like. Either, sheep shit makes it rain, or raining makes sheep shit. Sheep don't shit "randomly" sheep shit after they eat, it doesn't rain "randomly" it rains after water collects in the atmosphere.

The Half-Eaten Waffle

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #41 on: December 26, 2011, 03:36:31 pm »
We are the ones who have grown tired of the rage, the rampant butthurt that has infested our world like SuperAIDS. We are the ones who challenge the status quo by lounging against the machine, the ones who try furiously to be happy, life-loving people while wathcing the rest of mankind drown in their own pathetic misère. We are the ascot-wearing, silk-robe sporting, pipe smoking men and women who have realised that people who point at you with aforementioned pipe are always correct.
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #42 on: December 26, 2011, 04:42:29 pm »
We are the ones who have grown tired of the rage, the rampant butthurt that has infested our world like SuperAIDS. We are the ones who challenge the status quo by lounging against the machine, the ones who try furiously to be happy, life-loving people while wathcing the rest of mankind drown in their own pathetic misère. We are the ascot-wearing, silk-robe sporting, pipe smoking men and women who have realised that people who point at you with aforementioned pipe are always correct.

Still not doing it quite right.

It originally comes from this:

Got a problem? Bring it to the Friendly People. People touching people. People rubbing against people. People developing the nuclear first-strike capability to incinerate people. Sound like a flash in the pan? lt's gotta be: you don't settle for less. You don't have to. You're you. And you've got needs bigger and more earth-shaking than your grandfather could've dreamed. How do we keep bringing them to you, year after year, bigger and better?

By using the technology of tomorrow on the consumers of today. The Now People. People on the go. Going from Smart Shopper to New Low Value in the time it takes to dial our number. And you know which one that is! Call now won't you? For more of what you've come to expect from us. Style. Mood. A certain dependable kind of image. An image of the way you'd like people to be. Passive. Pretty. White. As white as the complexion of our finest women, grown right here by our special process. As white as the hair of God, white as it was in life! As white as the blank sheet on which we write your mind. Who are we?

We're the Happy People. Happy to live in a world of images. Images of war. Family. Crime. Fun images, that help rinse away unsightly self-images, so you can get away from the privacy of your own home. After all, aren't you what everything's here for? You're what we're here for. That's why we made everything! That's why everything made you. And that's why you made us. Who are we?

We're the Money People. People who take your money. No more money hassling! But what about little Dickie, you sap What's little Dickie gonna do, when you're working late, and Wilma's minding the fort, and Sis is in and out? Put away those straps and buckles: Dickie's safe with usl (He's even learning to speak again, our way.) Safe with the people who know what it is you want from a world. Simplicity. Reliability. A world you can go to, without worrying about whether your money is safe.

You know, when we first got into this business we didn't know much more than you. Like you, we thought there was a world out there: a world of value. A world that needed meaning. Love. Beauty. A world that needed a better product. Uh-uh. There's just you. And you want to know something. You want to know just exactly what it is you're suppposed to do. You don't care why, just so long as it's the right thing. It's natural. Everyone wants to do the right thing. But sometimes it's hard to know just what the right thing is. Let's say you're Black. And you've just lost your arms and legs defending U.S. interests in Afghanistan. You come home, and get thrown in jail for life for beating up four white cops. You want to know: just exactly what is it l'm supposed to feel?, We can't give you all the answers. But we can help flesh out your fantasy that there are some. At our labs, we use only the finest homemade ingredients. Love. Children. God. And the purest blend of money your needs can buy, grown right here by our special process! A process in use since our first Mom and Pop operation. Who are we?

We're the Normal People. The most normal. people in the world. But not quite as normal as you. Why? You're unique. It's natural: everyone's unique. But you stand apart from the crowd: you're normal. Normal as a typical herd of Sea Cow. Normal as an exploding stellar nebula. Normal as the world in which we live. And what could be more normal than that? Certainly not the competition! How do we stay so far out in front of the pack? By building a racetrack-decoy ideology with the pick-up of a domestic, and the maneuverability of an import! Who are we?

We're the Information People. The people who provide you with the information you need, to help you through your busy day. Information about divorce. Inflation. Drug abuse. Information vital to your survival, because information is the most important part of our world. In fact, it's the only part. Information like light. Living things. Information between neurons. Fast-breaking genetic information, information you'd be hard pressed to do without! Information you simply can't get anywhere else, at a vaIue no one can underprice.

Let's try this little test. Compare. A glass of the, leading competitor's product. Our product. You can see the difference. Now some people would say, "This glass is empty." But other people would say, "This glass hasn't been filled yet, but when it has, I'll like what's in it!" Those are the people we're looking for. The people who look on the bright side. The people who want to like things. And that's what life's all about, isn't it: liking?    

You want to like as many things as you can. You want to have as many things as you can. It's natural. Everyone does. But not everyone feels that way. Some people don't want to like things. The people who aren't good enough to have them! People from unfurnished countries. People who have smudged skin. People who have sex with males. The people who want to ruin everything. They want the things you like, but they're not willing to do the work you need to have done to get them! When they do your work, and they get them. They just use them for their own purposes. But you don't. You don't say "my purposes." You say "our purposes." And who are we?    

We're the Big People. The people who wear three-piece suits. The people with important eyebrows. The people with sticky voices like this, voices which soothe worried minds in a world in which everyone thinks their own thoughts. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone thought your thoughts? Because let's be honest. Sure you want to be unique. It's natural. Everyone does. But you also want to be right. Until now, that meant a lot of time-consuming prayer and back-breaking contemplation; put away that neocortical washboard: no more working your neurons to the bone! Thanks to us, what was once a reality can become a dream.    

You see, we're old-fashioned. We want to go back to the old days, the days of white people, before women. The days of owning, and building, and having. Having things clean, and big, and smooth, and fast! Return with us now, won't you? To a world where people did whatever they wanted, and minded their own business. A world where everything had a purpose: yours. The world you meant to make, before the Negative People took over. The people who say no, and bad, and stop, and different, and small. The people who are negatives of you, and you know what color that is! The. people who want to start by tearing down, instead of starting like us, by building up! Who are we?

We're the Communication People. The people whose talk is strictly state-of-the-art technology. It's disposable. Reversable. Reusable with almost any brand of idea, including our deluxe line. Yours. Sound costly? Put away that semantic checkbook! Now communication can be yours for a fraction of what it cost Grandpa. Why clutter up your world with a lot of hard-to-percieve subtleties? You either like a thing or you don't. And in your case, it's the former. That's why we like you. And that's why we're always looking for quicker; easier ways to tell you so. Slogans. Jingles. Logos. Ways of reaching out and touching you, the way you want to be touched. Slightly. Who are we?    

We're the Real People. The people who make you real. So real you can almost see yourself! More real than you've ever been before. But then, you've never been at all, before us. In fact, nothing has. And not even very much of that. Not even this sentence. Because when we say disposable, we could mean Just about anything! Who are we?

We're the Other People. The people other than you. People so other we're opposite, yet so people you'd never guess we weren't the real thing! People who are almost you, but couldn't quite make the pre-season cut. People who are a little more than you, because we make the things you know you ought to be making. Things like money. Revolution. Art. Love. Things the Negative People told you were more important than what you're making now. Us. People so other we're even other than each other. So other we're even other than ourselves: you. Because you're one of us. How do we know? Nowadays there's a little more involved than just counting the arms and legs, as Grandpa did in his day! Nowadays we're a little more scientific than that. But the original formula still remains the same: you see them; they make you; you join us.

Still skeptical? Try this simple test. Look at me now. Notice anything? Now you know how we feel. Separate. Gone. Repeated. Like you, only over again. We can't help noticing. In fact, we have an old saying: "Hi." Why do we say it? It's a tradition. Like I said, we're old fashioned. We don't much care why we do the things we do, just so long as they're the right things. Because even though the newer the better, deep down inside you know the new is wrong. It's different, so it could be a mistake. If it wasn't a mistake, then why didn't it happen before? You see, we don't really want to know what we're doing: we want to know what we're supposed to do.    

That's why you're here. You take all the crazy things we do we can't even explain ourselves, and put a good, solid reason behind each and every one of them! Because you don't really care what happens: you want to know what's supposed to happen. And that's why we're here. Who are we?

We're you. You don't settle for less. You don't have to. You're you. We're nothing without you. And within you. And someday, you'll be nothing too. Don't you think it's time you said "hi"? Call now. You remember our number! Void where prohibited: everywhere! Hurry while the customer lasts. Supply is limited. In fact, we have an old saying: bye-bye.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Half-Eaten Waffle

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #43 on: December 26, 2011, 05:49:48 pm »
That was amazing.
Thanks for the lesson, TGRR!
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Who Are We?
« Reply #44 on: December 26, 2011, 05:53:53 pm »
That was amazing.
Thanks for the lesson, TGRR!

Forgot to attribute, because everyone here knows who wrote it.

It was written by a guy named Michael Peppe, back in 1981 (which makes the Afghanistan reference pretty fucking cool).  We've been working on a 2012 Ad...But there's a certain "formula", if the whole thing is to fit together.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.