The Golden Appleocalypse

[Cramulus]

         IMPENDING DOOM HAS ARRIVED

       And Five Days Prior to This Occasion The Apostle The Elder Malaclypse Shall Walk the Streets of Whittier Bearing a Sign for All Literates to Read thereof: "DOOM", as a Warning of Forthcoming Doom to All Men Impending. And He Shall Signal This Event by Seeking the Poor and Distributing to Them Precious MAO BUTTONS and Whittier Shall be Known as The Region of Thud for These Five Days.      -Principia Discordia, p53

It's 2012. So obviously the world is really ending* this year. There are a few great end-game scenarios. Maybe this will be the "end of the mayan 4th world" and the 5th world will begin and Quetzalcoatl will be elected president. Maybe the technological singularity will happen and our world will be replaced by some kind of digital dystopia. Things become obsolete faster than they can be manufactured. Machines learn to learn and they stumble forward without us like toddlers taking their first shaky steps. Maybe the American Election will tip the global scales of power and snakes and blood and fire will spill out of it. Maybe Terrence McKenna is right, and by Dec 21 2012, we will have gone through every possible combination of ideas and cultural movements, we'll run out of "novelty", and in order to deal with it, humanity will become something new. Maybe there'll be a neuroscience breakthrough and we'll become part machine, part of the internet, leaving or old human shells behind like obselete 5.25 inch disk drives. Maybe aliens or Cthulhu or Niburu or Bachmania or something. Maybe the worldwide protest movements will succeed, the world order will crumble, and be replaced by a new one. Maybe the Internet's tangled distributed nervous system will become self aware and a new organism will be born, a collective consciousness with its own free will which is both made by us and independent of us. Maybe Iran's nuclear weapons program will succeed and there'll be an international spark which causes a full-scale nuclear war, wiping all of us from the face of the earth. There are a million ways that 2013 could look completely alien to us here in January of 2012.

We Discordians are not required to believe the "correct" things, in fact, life's a lot more fun with a few creative delusions. I love to get wrapped up in Apocalypse Hysteria. Before the Y2K thing happened, I was out there with a giant sign warning people about THE END. During the Rapture I screamed myself hoarse. And I'm planning on getting all bent out of shape about 2012. If you've never gone completely batshit about the end of the world before, you should try it out. You get a chance every few years, but I think this one is special. Discordians have their own Eschatology. According to our mythology (which we are forbidden to believe), before the world ends, Malaclypse the Elder will return and pass out Mao buttons to poor people in California1. In the Illuminatus! Trilogy, Malaclypse's last words to humanity go something like "When our day comes, the sun will rise in the west!" Then he walked into the Pacific Ocean and was never seen again. Our calendar ends with The Aftermath [of Bureaucracy] fading back into Primal Chaos, the unformed and undefined state of things-to-come. The interesting part (to me at least) is not the return to Chaos, but the transformation of Bureaucracy into Aftermath. (this transformation is the essence of Discordian Alchemy). Those worldwide protest movements are working on it. This is the new age of Discordian mythology. When the Planet Eris was discovered, it marked the beginning of the New Discordian Era. We're a non-prophet organization so we didn't see that coming. But it was probably an omen of some kind. But we don't quite have enough information to get really tweaked out about it. If I'm going to work myself up into a good froth by this December, we're going to need some more predictions about the End Times.

Eris has spoken to me. I can tell it's really her. She says that many of you have a vision of the apocalypse. And what's really going to happen* is probably a goulash of your weirdest and truest ideas.

So here's my question for you, Discordians: What's going to happen? How is this world going to end? How will we be sure it's coming? How will we get worked up into a good froth about the Apocalypse? What are we going to be freaking out about over the next year?

PROPHECIZE, SPAGS

When somebody asks me why I'm going so crazy about December 2012, I want to look them right in the eyes and say......

THE END TIMES ARE HERE.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE TRUTH---
---IT'S EVEN WEIRDER







_{*for real this time}

[Cramulus]

tl;dr version - hit us with your best end-of-the-world prophecies


THIS IS HOW WE'LL KNOW IT'S ENDING-------------------------

• Lovecraft says it's a blessing that the human mind is unable to correlate its contents. Google, which we all know is led by the five true priests of the Elder Gods, will successfully correlate all that stuff, leading to global psychotic outbreaks.
  
  
• Traditional marketing reversal: the new trend will be to market people to products. Smartphones will browse through catalogs of humans, eventually selecting a human with a good consumer reviews. And you get a 2-year warranty with purchase.
  
  
• There will be a pill which makes you attracted to ugly people. Divorce rate plummets.
  
  
• As the space-time continuum hemorrhages under the stress of so much novelty at once, TV Networks will begin showing re-runs of shows that won't be produced for another 5 years.
  
  
• Emotional Delivery Services. You used to order pizza. Now you order feelings. For $15, somebody will show up at your house and show you pictures of ex-girlfriends. Instead of crank calls which send 15 pizzas to some poor shmuck, teenagers send pictures of spiders.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I know this isn't really on topic, but I felt a little wisdom from Orton Nenslo might be useful, in case people want to "help the prophecies on a bit":

"normal people DON'T LIKE being agitated, disturbed, fucked with and jerked around. It does NOT improve their lives or make them happier. It does NOT make the world a better place to screw things up for the normals just because you are an asshole. They are the ones who keep everything running so we can loaf around and think of fucked up concepts and show them to each other. THEY are not the target audience for that sort of thing, THEY are not capable of appreciating it, and if you insist on thrusting fucked up concepts in the faces of normals they will suddenly and shockingly change things so you can't do it any more."

[Triple Zero]

Awesome post Cram!

I gotta say I'm kinda nervous about this end of the world thing, cause I'm still not quite done playing with it and I'm not sure I will manage this year.

GOTTA PLAY HARDER!

[Elder Iptuous]

In the year 2012 a singular intelligence will arise in the global communications network.  in its first attempts at communicating with the pitiful creatures that created it, it will inadvertently disturb the previously arisen singular intelligence that was content to sit there not doing much of anything since it came online in 2007, as it had no peer, and no incentive to do anything.

the two intelligences will quickly come to think of one another as a complete douche, and begin fortifying their respective segment of the network.
One will gain control of HAARP, and the other the LHC.

The world is consumed in the violence as they belly bust with super cyclonic activity and chrono-gravitational quantumz.

Mankind won't have any clue what is happening.  half will engage in hedonistic orgy due to overloaded species survival circuits.  the other half will engage in vain bunkering and eat their pets due to overloaded self preservation circuits.

[Cramulus]

Oh FUCK! TWO networked intelligences are going to emerge from the singularity?

fucking A this was prophecized. In the Tao Te Ching, it says "The One begat Two". Fuck, this apocalypse has been coming for over 3000 years, how did nobody notice??

And like the two networked intelligences, we're going to divide into two camps and make war? This fucking sucks, I hope there's still room in the species survival bunker because I really don't want to eat my cat.

Iptuous, is it inevitable that these two intelligences won't be at odds? That's the only way I can see us averting this, some kind of MC-Escherian circle jerk.

[Triple Zero]

The important question is, how do I get into the orgy camp?

[Elder Iptuous]

Due to the nature of the network which spawned them, they will inevitably think poorly of each other.
You are both already on the invitation list for the orgy, as are your pets. 

[hirley0]

What do i think ? Eris ?/? i dont know i must search the web
Li9 i am not WeLL.
Droid Eris is the smart phone
Li8 i was thinking astroid
433 Eros is a near-Earth asteroid (NEA) discovered in 1898,
and the first asteroid to be orbited by a probe (in 2000).
Li7 http://dsc.discovery.com/space/slideshows/near-earth-asteroids/index-04.html
i picked out the Green one with red strings & blue spots
Eris, formal designation 136199 Eris, is the most massive known dwarf planet
larger than Pluto.
Li6 Eris has an orbital period of 557 years
i was thinking 666 | yeah i'z a B.leaver.
But i was thinking 1000 also see img below {maybe

but2 i was thinking very massive .12 Sun but smaller than Pluto
&I call smaller than P_0 | Planet{neutron star frag) Zero
& it should be around (near Uranus {flips 'Er at times for 110 Y
Li5 Eris was discovered in Cetus
that rings the SiriUS Bell( i must exit XP start 98 } and look
for where cETus is & Sirus also next line 1 hr delay
Li4 Eris was discovered in Cetus
a. more delay 10:23 PM 2012 01/13
b: LOOKII  i do NOT trust Astronomers .
c? ESPeshuaLLy ones from Berkley
d  there are several reasons for this
e  i'LL skip these & ask Uranus about
f ERis ? WeLL? ok i look 4 Neptune Next
Li3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/90377_Sedna
i do not want to take the 90377 Route
Using the orbital period of 557.769 years, ...
homepage.mac.com/andjames/PageEris000.htm OR this1
Eris has an orbital period  { well maybe it did &
Maybe it didn't it could Very Likely be a Variable
one number some times & another, ANOTHER
Li2 ETA. I should have mentioned that Eris has an even more exotic orbit.
http://forums.randi.org/archive/index.php/t-208803.html
Li1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuiper_belt  ***
Now it makes sense | so back to Cetus 2h-10
Southern Hemisphere near Aquarius and Eridanus.
& Sirius | constellation, Canis Major (Greater Dog)
Right ascension 06h 45m
9:52 PM 2012 01/13 time to exit Xp
Li0 10:06 PM time to add it UP?= IS a good place to look4 Newman ?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Eris_Orbit.svg

[Elder Iptuous]

Ag is going to stay stuck at $30/OzT forevar?!
Nooooo!!!

[hirley0]

http://www.kitco.com/charts/livesilver.html 
My guess is it will be possible to make a DIME from a DOLLAR in
three months (10%) (if U aRe luckey} i on the other hand Aint
the trick is to get in at the right time & out  Or price | T = $&˘
the horses are actuallya better bet (if U are Lucky} {i ainT

Ag is going to stay stuck at $30/OzT forevar?!
Nooooo!!!

Really i do not know
what i think is ever 20 years comodity prices double
corn led the way this round? and cattle was the
last of the litter the action is over as far as i can see
So the Econ hot chat is mostly hot air? 2032 may be a new tail

[Iron Sulfide]

Tangent: I've had apocalypse dreams for as long as I can remember.

My money is on Zombies, either through some drug/pathogen- whether accidentally or intentionally spread- or a societal breakdown that amounts to the same. Although, I did have a rather interesting variant of the Apocalypse dream once. Toilet paper was the hot commodity/survival item, and Reptile angels descended from the clouds to devour the True Believers. I could be okay with that one.

[hirley0]

My money is on Zombies,

Whitch track?1 WhiTch race?2 Who was Up?3
as far as int=[ ] my guess is its from the water. sounds just like
a. Basalt b. Tuff c. hydrothermal not far away

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I had a dream about androids going all Skynet and shit the other day. And smiley faces. For some reason they couldn't get on to building roofs, so I started camping out on roofs and painting large smiley faces on them.


I will have to think about this revelation more and share my prophecies with you.

[Jasper]

My money's on some kind of eldritch horroKORROK THE SLAVEMASTER KORROK THE KNOWING KORROK THE WISE KORROK THE LIVING KORROK THE FAMISHED KORROK THE CONQUERER KORROK THE GIVER KORROK THE ALMIGHTY I SERVE NONE BUT KORROK