Author Topic: Not really sure where this should go... so.  (Read 611 times)

AnarChloe

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Not really sure where this should go... so.
« on: June 13, 2012, 03:28:18 pm »
I've been feeling really crap tonight with fuckin' mood swings and triggers everywhere, so I wrote this.

I'm calling it prose poetry for now, although I may use it as a transcript for an audio drama later on.

I'm gonna throw trigger warnings down just in case: Rape, Suicide

Anyway some thoughts and comments and stuff would be nice I guess.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop, please… please… please… please… PLEASE STOP. NO!

Don’t do this to me again I don’t want it please don’t do it IDON’TWANTTHISPLEASESTOP.

“But you like it don’t you?”

No I don’t! Stop!

“You do like it, and one day you’ll like doing it when you’re JUST LIKE ME.”

NO I WON’T BE THAT WAY! DON’TMAKEMEBETHATWAYPLEASEDON’T!!

I am just like him. Him and all the others that did these things to me. There are four of them including him and I am worse than all of them together.

I am the worst scum on this planet.

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemI amworsethanthem

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemI amworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthem

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemI amworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIa mworsethanthem

Aren’t I?

You know I am, don’t you.

I see you there, thinking; “Oh poor thing.”

You sicken me. You don’t even know how much worse than them I am.

YOU SICKEN ME.

You make me almost as disgusted as I am at myself and my existence with your thoughts.

YOU SICKEN ME.

You think you can help. No-one can help. You might want to.

But it won’t do me any good.

I’m too lost.

Too broken.

YOU SICKEN ME.

Get away from me. I’m not worth it, stop thinking about me.

Stop it.

You really want to help me then?

Okay.

Just do what I tell you and it’ll help me, okay?

Good.

Kill me.

KILL ME!

What do you mean, “NO”?!

You wanted to help me didn’t you?

Why won’t you do it then?

Why?

Don’tmakemelivepleasepleasepleasejustletmedie.


------------------------------------------------

Everything I am and was and will be is disgusting, fake and wrong.

I wasn’t even good enough to be a rapists play-thing, how am I good enough to be a person?

How can anyone like, let alone love this disgusting mess of psychoses moodswings and hate?

Oh that’s right, no one does.

----------------------------------

I hear them now.

“No-one loves you, no-one loves you, no-one loves you, NO-ONE LOVES YOU AND NO-ONE EVER WILL.

---------------------------------------

“You’re worthless and barely worth hating, why don’t you just make it stop.”

But how? *sobbing is heard* I don’t know how!! It won’t stop!

“You know how.”

The… the knives?

“Yes.”

But… I can’t.

“Why?”

It’s wrong!

“Is it, if it makes things better?”

It’s still wrong!

“What of euthanasia? If someone is dying of an incurable disease, isn’t it a mercy to take their life if they wish it so?”

I don’t have an incurable disease!

“No. You don’t.”

So what’s the point?

“You don’t have one. You are one.”

“And like a tumor you should be… removed.”

Oh… I see.

—————————————————-

I’m gonna do it.

Hello?

Are you there?

SOMEBODY?

ANYBODY?!


IS ANYONE THERE?!


*sobbing is heard*

-------------------------

Are you gone too? Have even the voices in my head abandoned me now? The last vestige of hope I had and you’re gone aren’t you?

Why do they all leave me when they’re done playing?

Am I just a toy?

I suppose I am.

Have I ever done anything for me? As if I deserved it? Or have I always been for others first?

Do I ever ask for my needs to be met or do I just let others push me around?

Maybe this is for the best… my plan. It would be nice to talk to anyone before I go though.

Even the voices.

But I suppose I can’t now.

HELLO?

ANYONE?

ANYONE THERE?

I guess not…

It’s time then.

Time to do the last thing that will make them all happy.

Time to go.

*shunk*

END
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2012, 03:44:46 pm »
I'm gonna say that you need to go on the Nigel Plan.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

AnarChloe

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2012, 03:47:55 pm »
I'm gonna say that you need to go on the Nigel Plan.

Problem solved!
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2012, 03:51:27 pm »
I'm gonna say that you need to go on the Nigel Plan.

Problem solved!

Well, sorry for trying to offer advice.  I won't make that mistake again.

Good day.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2012, 03:54:22 pm »
What is this emo bullshit?

Get some fucking therapy and go outside every once in a while. Jesus fuck.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”



“All that goodness, with a frozen chicken in the middle.”
― Doktor Howl, 2014

AnarChloe

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2012, 03:56:32 pm »
I do both of those.

And I don't really know what this is.

Whatever, I guess.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2012, 04:09:16 pm »
I do both of those.

And I don't really know what this is.

Whatever, I guess.

Perhaps there's been a misunderstanding, here.

Which "this" are you talking about?  You don't know what what is?
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

AnarChloe

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2012, 04:12:37 pm »
I do both of those.

And I don't really know what this is.

Whatever, I guess.

Perhaps there's been a misunderstanding, here.

Which "this" are you talking about?  You don't know what what is?

"This" being the thing I wrote in the OP.

Also I didn't mean to come off as antagonistic with my "Problem solved!", sorry.
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AnarChloe

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2012, 04:15:08 pm »
I mean I guess this thing I wrote sounded a lot better in my head, y'know?

It was kind of a surreal over the top parody of the things I deal with and lots people deal with, in my head.

So I thought I'd share it because I figured people on here might like the surreal part.

« Last Edit: June 13, 2012, 04:21:09 pm by AnarChloe »
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2012, 04:27:53 pm »
I do both of those.

And I don't really know what this is.

Whatever, I guess.

Perhaps there's been a misunderstanding, here.

Which "this" are you talking about?  You don't know what what is?

"This" being the thing I wrote in the OP.

Also I didn't mean to come off as antagonistic with my "Problem solved!", sorry.

S'ok.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2012, 04:31:28 pm »
I mean I guess this thing I wrote sounded a lot better in my head, y'know?

It was kind of a surreal over the top parody of the things I deal with and lots people deal with, in my head.

So I thought I'd share it because I figured people on here might like the surreal part.

I think I see the problem.  It's a cultural thing...You prefer to think on how you deal with people in your head, and you're addressing a crowd that mostly deals with people by kickin' em in THE NADS, and NOT in their heads.

Also, the parody thing didn't come across.  It needs MORE over the top.  Just saying.

By the way, I will now be so bold as to suggest kicking a motherfucker IN THE NADS, just to see how it feels.  It's far better than militant misery.  Plus, the look on their face is PRICELESS.

"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2012, 04:38:50 pm »
OK.

I should probably give you a break because I'm guessing you're just a kid.

But I do want to point out that you may need to look up the definition of "surreal", and also spend some time reading actual poetry, so you will have a better handle on both. "Surreal" is not self-excoriating rambling, and "Poetry" is not unedited stream-of-consciousness dribbling. What you wrote may well be a teenage cry for help, but it's neither surreal nor poetry.

A lot of people who write and share terrible, terrible poetry will say things like "I write for myself" and "It's my heart and soul". OK. That's fine. If you write for yourself, if you write to get it out, to process it, as part of your healing process, that's great. BUT IF YOU WRITE FOR YOURSELF, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Or share it with your counselor or therapy group.

Pretty much everyone who has been abused as a child has boundary issues. Having your boundaries transgressed at an age where we are still figuring out where boundaries go makes it really hard to figure out where they are supposed to be, later. Sharing deeply personal processes in public is an example of this.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that people who have been abused should not share their writing about it with the public. Many excellent literary works have come out of people's private pain. However, I am saying that having been abused does not give us a free pass to masturbate in public.

So keep writing, get it together, and when you have something that you feel is fairly finished, reasonably polished, and most importantly, you know what it is, please post it.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”



“All that goodness, with a frozen chicken in the middle.”
― Doktor Howl, 2014

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2012, 04:51:46 pm »
In short, if you MUST write "dark poetry", do it in private, and wash your hands when you're done.

I am in danger of having a thought, here.  BRB when I've put it into words.
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Don Coyote

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Re: Not really sure where this should go... so.
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2012, 04:59:51 pm »
This reminds of the last half of Neon Genesis Evangalion, and I now I want to strangle Shinji.
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