Author Topic: The Way Things Are  (Read 447 times)

V3X

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The Way Things Are
« on: July 27, 2012, 05:33:21 pm »
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« Last Edit: August 21, 2012, 09:10:09 pm by v3x »
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: The Way Things Are
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2012, 07:00:52 pm »
I'm gonna print this out tonight, scribble comments all over it, scan it back in, and post it.

Because I am too frazzled to do anything else.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

Pope Lecherous

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Re: The Way Things Are
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2012, 03:01:45 am »
I read the piece.  I like it.  There are only a few things I noticed after one read that could be improved.

After reading the first 2 paragraphs I'm thinking you are going into a discussion about sin, morality, temptation and things of that nature.  By the end you leave the reader with a statement about Us and Them and humans being two sided coins more or less. Since you developed the latter topic more than the former, I'd make that seem to be the overall topic of the piece by mentioning it in the intro or as early as possible.  Until then, it will feel like two essays blended together without a clear transition.

The whole thing would be more powerful if more of your statements were changed to declarative statements.  The tone i felt seemed informative, so you kind of lose the momentum created by the provocative intro.  By the time you compare the reader to Hitler you've lost steam and will probably alienate/upset the dumber/less open minded people in your audience.

Sorry if you feel like i'm trying to rip you one.  I don't want you to take it that way.
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Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: The Way Things Are
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2012, 03:29:56 am »
I love it.
Im guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk, Charles Wick said. It was very complicated.



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V3X

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Re: The Way Things Are
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2012, 03:33:32 am »
I read the piece.  I like it.  There are only a few things I noticed after one read that could be improved.

After reading the first 2 paragraphs I'm thinking you are going into a discussion about sin, morality, temptation and things of that nature.  By the end you leave the reader with a statement about Us and Them and humans being two sided coins more or less. Since you developed the latter topic more than the former, I'd make that seem to be the overall topic of the piece by mentioning it in the intro or as early as possible.  Until then, it will feel like two essays blended together without a clear transition.

The whole thing would be more powerful if more of your statements were changed to declarative statements.  The tone i felt seemed informative, so you kind of lose the momentum created by the provocative intro.  By the time you compare the reader to Hitler you've lost steam and will probably alienate/upset the dumber/less open minded people in your audience.

Sorry if you feel like i'm trying to rip you one.  I don't want you to take it that way.

No, this is good. Thanks it was what I was looking for. Will take your opinion into account during editing...

STILL WAITING ON ROGER'S THOUGH

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Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.