« previous next »
Pages: 1 [2]

Author Topic: The Audience is Listening, part I  (Read 302 times)

Freeky Queen of DERP

  • Out of order: Please notify The Mgt.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 170265
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2012, 09:26:01 pm »
Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!
Logged
We'll make you an offer you can't understand.

Art in avatar (C) Alderac Entertainment Group, illustrated by Steve Argyle. Huzzah, proper attribution!

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 30784
  • Platonic Dildo Sharpener
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2012, 09:27:06 pm »
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on September 21, 2012, 09:26:01 pm
Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!

That's going to be how it has to be written, because the idea I had didn't work.  Not all of them DO.
Logged
Auto-Rendering Fiber Digesting Chamber of Convulsive Erotic Terror

Quote from: Doktor Howl
McDonalds, if you think about it, is the PERFECT example of life/lifestyles in the late 20th/early 21st century. Pink slime shaped like chicken nuggets, giant lawsuit-happy corporations suing people for using the prefix "Mc" no matter what the circumstances, marketing aimed at small children (Ronald, etc) to form life-long associations with the product, and the abysmally-effective "I'M LOVING IT" marketing ploy aimed at maintaining that association into the person's adult life...With the advertisement showing skinny, attractive people while in reality the AVERAGE customer is 45 pounds overweight.

All style, no substance almost-food sold to brainwashed masses. It's AMERICA™, in a white paper bag.

Freeky Queen of DERP

  • Out of order: Please notify The Mgt.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 170265
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2012, 09:46:34 pm »
Yeah that happens sometimes. The idea is cool, though
Logged
We'll make you an offer you can't understand.

Art in avatar (C) Alderac Entertainment Group, illustrated by Steve Argyle. Huzzah, proper attribution!

V3X

  • EISENHOWER 2012
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 22302
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2012, 10:11:50 pm »
My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.
Logged
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 30784
  • Platonic Dildo Sharpener
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2012, 10:36:45 pm »
Quote from: v3x on September 21, 2012, 10:11:50 pm
My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.

The guys in the vehicle were already toast.  The fire team found them that way when they opened the crew door.

I need to redo this completely.
Logged
Auto-Rendering Fiber Digesting Chamber of Convulsive Erotic Terror

Quote from: Doktor Howl
McDonalds, if you think about it, is the PERFECT example of life/lifestyles in the late 20th/early 21st century. Pink slime shaped like chicken nuggets, giant lawsuit-happy corporations suing people for using the prefix "Mc" no matter what the circumstances, marketing aimed at small children (Ronald, etc) to form life-long associations with the product, and the abysmally-effective "I'M LOVING IT" marketing ploy aimed at maintaining that association into the person's adult life...With the advertisement showing skinny, attractive people while in reality the AVERAGE customer is 45 pounds overweight.

All style, no substance almost-food sold to brainwashed masses. It's AMERICA™, in a white paper bag.

LMNO, PhD (life continues)

  • Heisenberg's Diseased Strangelet Disciple of Forbidden Knowledge and Desire.
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 76404
  • The Engorged Throat-Leech of Discordia.
    • View Profile
    • Earfatigue Productions: When it has to sound like you give a shit.
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2012, 01:01:04 am »
The initial attempt was interesting enough to garner critique, so it's not a total loss.
Logged
LMNO
Pope/Wrought Iron Instigator
First Church of Last Exit Before Toll
The Spider Project.

Buy the Chao te Ching, or be doomed forever.

http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/marburger/index.shtml

"Get offa me, you freaks!  This is not North Korea.  No.  This is America, and I expect to be PAID for that sort of nonsense.  In advance.  No credit...Cash on the barrelhead or GTFO.  I swear to God, there's nothing more annoying than commie perverts who don't understand the intrinsic value of the free market system."

El Twid

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 199937
  • Exploding Sin Spore of the Horrible Bar Bathroom™
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2012, 01:31:52 am »
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.
Logged
El Twid para un mejor México

Uncle Wallified

  • To Do What Must Be Done To The Monkeys That Totally
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 22107
  • Chupacabra of Internet Sex Crimes
    • View Profile
    • Clock Crew
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2012, 03:41:48 am »
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 01:31:52 am
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.
Logged
My shit list: Stephen Harper, anarchists that complain about taxes instead of institutionalized torture, those people walking, anyone who lets a single aspect of themselves define their entire personality, salesmen that don't smoke pipes, Fredericton New Brunswick, bigots, philosophy majors, my nemesis, pirates that don't do anything, criminals without class, sociopaths, narcissists, furries, juggalos, foes.

El Twid

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 199937
  • Exploding Sin Spore of the Horrible Bar Bathroom™
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2012, 03:54:55 am »
Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 03:41:48 am
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 01:31:52 am
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

Ah.  THat's a fair criticism, and one that I noted in myself (but made no attempt to fix) before anyone pointed it out.

I'm not sure if it's that Rog thinks differently, if I do, or a little of both. The hangover bit threw me off since, I think that I'm more or less the town drunk. Or at least the North American town drunk.
Logged
El Twid para un mejor México

El Twid

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 199937
  • Exploding Sin Spore of the Horrible Bar Bathroom™
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #24 on: September 22, 2012, 04:00:14 am »
Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 03:41:48 am
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 01:31:52 am
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

In addition:

I guess to clarify my general responses though, usually it's "I get it, but I need a little time to think of an appropriate and just as well thought out response (since I usually furtively post from my phone at work these days) as a legitimate response" vs in this, "I... missed something here. I don't know what happened, even though I do like it, and I'm going to keep my idiot mouth shut until someone makes it intelligible to me"
Logged
El Twid para un mejor México

El Twid

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 199937
  • Exploding Sin Spore of the Horrible Bar Bathroom™
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #25 on: September 22, 2012, 04:03:46 am »
Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....
Logged
El Twid para un mejor México

El Twid

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 199937
  • Exploding Sin Spore of the Horrible Bar Bathroom™
    • View Profile
Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
« Reply #26 on: September 22, 2012, 04:04:56 am »
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 04:03:46 am
Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....

As in, Friday was 5 minutes ago....
Logged
El Twid para un mejor México
Pages: 1 [2]
« previous next »