Hi There

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Hi, I'm Shaky, and I'm the squad leader for 2d squad, 3rd plt of C company.  I hold down brown people while you steal from them.  It's not a bad gig, as long as there's enough smokes and maybe a 6 pack when we go back for R&R.  It's thirsty work. 

Hi, I'm Little Billy, and I'm an aircraft mechanic for a small airline that does government contracts between America and her Southern neighbor(s).  It gets kind of hairy sometimes, but I like it.  It keeps my blood pumping.  I have a wife and two children, and I live in Batavia.

Hi, I'm Padre Dolor, and I run with Judge Richardson's crew.  I keep the protection money moving, and run the occasional card game.  I had a wife and two children.  Now I have a different wife and I'm thousands and thousands of miles away.  My wife is a very violent person on the outside, but inside she's all snakes and bad wiring, so it's okay.

Hi, I'm The Good Reverend Roger, and I police your streets.  I hit people on the collar bone a lot, and I pick up dead meth heads every few weeks, from under the bridge.  I have the same wife, and I'm even further away than I was before.  But I live on a mountain, and every morning I piss down on the town and tell them I love them.

Hi, I'm Doktor Howl, and I make SCIENCE happen by repairing the plant.  This allows feedstock to go to Chinese factories where 12 year olds work 30 hour shifts making smart phones for you.  The hours are long, but the pay is good.  I have a different wife now, and two kids.  They're the same kids, just different.  I live in Tucson, Arizona, and I'm very, very happy.

Hi, I'm the Good Reverend Doktor Billy, and I don't know what I do.  I think I'm an ex-soldier, ex-smuggler, ex-mook, ex-cop, maintenance kind of guy, but things are getting a little sideways, if you know what I mean.  I have a wife and two kids, one of which is away marching in my footsteps.  I live in Oro Valley, Arizona, and I own two cars.  I had a dog once, but it ran off with a girl named Cheryl.  I don't remember much about her.  But I'm very, very happy.

Hi, I'm some collection of jumbled up memories that all seem to be my own.  I work in some sort of refinery, and I march around in circles.  The Grabby Girls can't catch you if you keep moving.  I sometimes have to fire people, which makes me sad.  Sometimes the people I fire buy guns and disappear.  This worries me in a vague sort of way, but other than that, I'm happy.  I have a wife and one and a half kids, and I live in purgatory.  It's not so bad, once you get used to it.  My state government is insane, but that's what happens in a democracy when the citizenry is insane.  I take drugs to sleep at night.  I'm happy.

I know who I am/was/might have been.  Who the fuck are you?

[M. Nigel Salt]

This is fucking INTENSE, Roger. Holy shit.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is fucking INTENSE, Roger. Holy shit.

I'm having an intense month.   

[V3X]

STEALING YOUR MOJO:

Hi. I'm Vex. I make the machines work that make your job work. I keep you quiet so you can keep typing, clicking, and producing. I'm behind the scenes, where we can see just how precariously this Modern Age is perched at the edge of an eroding abyss. But I don't tell you about it, because that isn't my job, and it isn't your job to know. When I was young, I used to have big ideas about ruling the world. But I gave those up when I realized this planet isn't the kind of place any sane person would ever want to be in charge of. I have one wife, two kids, two cars, two pets and two dreams left: to live until I can't anymore, and to die before it gets old.

[Freeky Queen of DERP]

Hi, I'm Grey Bones. I don't remember who I used to be, but I think I was happy. Now I take pills to sleep and pills to wake up and pills to be happy. I have a kid and a couple delusional exes. I live in a place where I remember daily I'm unwelcome. Sometimes I worry about my friends, but I don't think they want to share their woes with me. Its okay though, I have pills that put me to bed and keep me asleep and I'm very happy.

[Signora Pæsior]

Holy shitballs, Roger, this gave me chills 

Riffing, like others:

Hi, I'm Signora. I learn your job and make you redundant, and apparently that's a job to be proud of, because fuck other people, right? People try to define me by what I was -- ex-whore, ex-victim, ex-big-fish-in-a-small-pond, ex-drug-fucked-teenager-desperate-to-escape -- and I try not to let them be too right. It looks like I have it pretty good; a lovely fiancée, beautiful apartment, great money coming in. Though, I do freeze up when someone touches my head, and I want to throw up when the ground moves a little. And once every 29 days the world reminds me that I cannot do the one thing I've always wanted out of life... and I paint on a smile and tell people I never wanted that in the first place.

[Don Coyote]

Hi my name is [REDACTED], and I [REDACTED] for 5 years in [REDACTED]. Some days I was wake up and wonder how much of my life has been [REDACTED]. Some days I wonder who [REDACTED] was.
But it's ok right? I was poor, and now I'm getting a full ride to higher learning.

[Internet Jesus]

Hi, my name is Jorge.  I work in the nexus between business, the law and politics and I can tell you the only reason the fucking thing works is money and sheer force of will.  Want to avoid paying taxes, hide your assets and screw the 47% of moochers out of the fruits of your labor? I have that knowledge.

I also give good head, but the only person who's said that in the last decade is my wife, and she's just a bitter old crone who is trying to make herself feel better after making the worst decision in her life.  So it's probably all a lie. 

Everything I tell you should never be trusted until you verified it with someone who's income depends on them being honest with you.

[NoLeDeMiel]

Hi there. Some folks call me Nikita. I called her Rage. But that's all over with because it wasn't kinky enough to cover the spread. I took pills to sleep--only they weren't pills, and I smoked them, and I wouldn't sleep for weeks.

Nowadays I get up at 3:30 am without taking the time to figure out where I am or who. Then I drive 18 miles in that direction. I sit there for 8 hours and I type reasons why people are making a great decision by wasting their money. Then I type how it's really not that bad. And then I tell them how to fix it. It's important that I brand the close. Then when all that's said and done and done 2 or 3 more times at least, then I drive 18 miles in that other direction. I can't be sure I don't have that backwards.

Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be healthier with a little more fear in my life. Excedrin seems to help with the headaches.

[stelz]

Hi, I'm Stella. We've been some of the same people at some point in time, but not others. I can't claim [REDACTED], just a continuous low-wattage but surreal horror. I won't bend your ear with my series of shitty jobs, cretinous yahoos or the Things I Have Seen. Occasionally I get to do something really awesome. This usually happens in Austin and is followed by the San Antonio Bus Station and another spell of several months in Seguin.

I stay on the internet a lot. I've worn the finish off the little touchpad thing that acts as a mouse on my laptop.

[The Twid]

Hi there. My name is sapiens, and I'm a Homo. I am an acid, a chemical that is unique in the universe. I am surrounded by 7 billion similarly formulated, but also unique, chemicals, and several billions more that are less similar to me. I take the form of a meat machine with symbiotic bacteria. Mine is the most powerful model of processor on the market. My kind has walked on the Moon, split the atom, peered into the depths of space and time, and yet seem incapable of common sense or critical thought.

Hello, my name is Kevin, and I am a Facebook profile. I am a composite concept suggested by photos, likes, status updates. I am apparently a male born on August 6, 1981. My hometown is West Roxbury, MA. My current city is Somerville, MA. I am in a relationship with someone named Deirdre. I play in 3 different musical projects. You can tell by my photos. Occasionally I will send you an event invite to a bar to come and see me play. That's when you click attending and yet don't show up in the photos on the profile the day after the event.

Hi, my name is also Kevin, and I am a cartoon character. I wear the same kind of clothes everyday because the illustrator can't be bothered to vary it up much. Blue jeans, an Iron Maiden t-shirt, and a grey flat cap that I purchased in that episode in season 30 where I went to Ireland because the producers thought it was time for that nice Irish lady who voiced my grandmother to look into other opportunities and they wrote her off the show. A couple of episodes later, they also wrote off one of my uncles, and now I also sometimes wear his Hawaiian shirts.

Dia duit. Caoimhin is ainm dom. Is Eireannach me. Sin e, ta m'eolas agaibh anois. Nil rud eile anseo.

Hi, I'm Ciaran. I'm a Schrodinger's Catholic. When I'm in the box I'm both Catholic and not Catholic. If you open the box I become either Catholic or not Catholic. I'm only in this box for a limited, but indeterminate amount of time.

Hello, I'm Nephew Twiddleton. I'm a Discordian. Unlike other Discordians, I don't take any pills. I don't much like them. I get annoyed when the doctor gives them to me. They do strange things to me, and I don't need them for more than whatever temporary ailment I have. I did like those ones that basically stripped away my emotions that they gave me because I don't like having my blood drawn, if only it got me through the day at work, though they made Villager worry and she made me throw them away. No, I'm old fashion when it comes to medicine. I like my medicine in liquid form. It makes me forget stuff, stay up late, sleep in late, and from time to time get confused if something was just a dream, if it happened, or a little bit of both. But I usually have fun with it.

I'm Doktor Blight. I'm a lot like that Twid guy, but more pessimistic.

I am a number. I put numbers into the computer so I can let you know what diseases you might get from your lifestyle choices. I sigh a lot. I drink a lot of coffee. I calculate numbers to find out how long I've been here, and approximately what numbers will be added to my bank account on Thursday, and whether or not I can go home yet so I can turn into Twid.

I am a son. I am a brother. I am a nephew (small n). I am an uncle. I am a cousin. A friend. A lover. An enemy, for some reason. A grandson.

I am an actor. I have many scripts and roles in front of me, different personas that I have to try on depending on the scene, but I seem to do a decent job of creating at least some cohesiveness to the character I'm here to play.

[Bu☆ns]

Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]

[Uncle Wallified]

Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]

You fucker. You stole my schtick.

[Bu☆ns]

Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]

You fucker. You stole my schtick.

                                                    \
                                               It got weird.

[Balls Wellington]

I just did one and it sort of made me want to run into traffic. I think I'll pass. Good stuff ITT though.