Dear sweetie,
I love you. You know I do. It's the love that exists like the sunrise and the mountains: reliable and easy to take for granted but spectacular when you remember to look up. I love you like no one else is worth making out with. I love you to the moon and back.
But goddamn are you The Loudest Guy In The Room.
No, no one on the other end of the phone is having any trouble hearing you. Absolutely not. I have been on the phone with you, sir, and your phone functions quite adequately for the task at hand. Stop yelling.
No, you do not need to talk at full volume when my ear is actually resting on your chest. You know, that place where your loud-as-fuck lungs live? Yeah. Stop shouting at the TV. Seriously.
No, you are not "being assertive" when you bully people out of the conversation like that. Yes, you bullied them. No, they were not agreeing with you. Stop pretending to be a retard.
I love you.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
