Author Topic: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.  (Read 1573 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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Dear Reverend Johnson,

I received your letter yesterday, informing me of the horrible dangers associated with the possible reelection of President Barack Obama.  I couldn't help noticing, though, that you referred to him as "Barack Obama", and Mitt Romney as "Governor Romney".  The fact is that Obama should properly be referred to as "President Obama", as he is in fact a sitting president...And while Mitt Romney may enjoy the title "Governor" in perpetuity, he is not in fact a sitting governor, so I find it odd that you extended the honorific to him, but not to the president.

Also, while I understand your religious views on Gay marriage, I ask you to understand that our system of government and our rights as citizens do not spring from your church.  In fact, you remain untaxed as an example of how you are supposed to be apolitical, just as the government is not a religious function.  Given that you do not feel constrained to perserve this separation, I feel I have no choice but to ask my congressional representative to have your tax exempt status removed, with back taxes accruing from 1955 to the present.

In addition, your letter referred to a member of my family as "perverse" and "evil".  Not personally, but by virtue of your statements about Gays, transgendered folks, etc.  Given that this member of the family is 16 years old, I'd think she'd hardly have had TIME to gain that status.  She's a KID, you see, and I find your gleeful wishes of hellfire for her to be more than a little offensive.  May I suggest that you move past the old testament, and perhaps read what Jesus actually said?  You appear to be a little...Well, there's no easy way to say this:  You are ignorant about the very religion you preach, and seem to have replaced it with a virulent poison that is a stain on America and the American way of life.

I am not a biblical scholar, sir, but I HAVE read the book of Luke.  It talks about this "Jesus" fellow, who didn't hate on anybody.  He in fact hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, because they are apparently the only people that CAN be saved.  You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.  If Jesus came back today, you'd be the first one running for a hammer and some nails, and you'd claim that you were doing it for his own good.

Lastly, I am unimpressed with your appeal for school reform.  School is where children learn about how the temporal world works.  When it's time for them to learn about spirituality, we have churches for that.  But not your church, I am afraid.  No, my children will not be attending your church, as it looks more like a White supremacy organization than a church, and the religion you preach appears to be some horrible form of demonology.

Reverend, I implore you to save yourself.  Renounce your hate and find Jesus.  Not Paul of Tarsus, but Jesus.  Leave your vile hatred behind, lest God spit you from his mouth in disgust.  And don't vote for Mormons, their cosmology is just as bad as that crap you spew.

Yours in The Fighting Jesus,
The Good Reverend Roger
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Nice.  Restrained, actually.


In a related note, we were discussing at band practice last night that Paul could very well have been a self-hating gay:

"I mean, he obviously hated women, while also loathing other gay men..."

"Plus, he changed his name to something less Jewish once he got really famous!"
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I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?
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The Good Reverend Roger

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I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?

I'll scan it when I get home.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Nice.  Restrained, actually.

I felt that cutting would be more fun than bludgeoning, this time around.
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This is how EVERYBODY should be responding to their shit. Well done.  :lulz:
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Sweet! Especially this part

Quote
You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|
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"And National Geographic got interested because National Geographic has the theory that the last century, discovery was basically finding things, and in this century, discovery is basically making things."-- Stewart Brand

The Good Reverend Roger

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Sweet! Especially this part

Quote
You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

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Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.

I write those all the time.  I was going for "contempt", not "batshit" this time.
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P3nT4gR4m

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Sweet! Especially this part

Quote
You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.

It's all good, then. It amused me, too. Bonus!
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walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"And National Geographic got interested because National Geographic has the theory that the last century, discovery was basically finding things, and in this century, discovery is basically making things."-- Stewart Brand

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Something I've used on irl faithfools which is tried and tested:

I am gay/pro-choice/Athiest and it looks like you're going to have to sort this out yourself, given that your all powerful creator apparently doesn't have the stones to take me on himself.

makes their little faces go a hilarious shade of purple
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walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"And National Geographic got interested because National Geographic has the theory that the last century, discovery was basically finding things, and in this century, discovery is basically making things."-- Stewart Brand

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