Author Topic: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.  (Read 2292 times)

Freeky Queen of DERP

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So, I realized a while ago - I don't really remember how long - that my life has been completely devoid of all meaning.  Even the monkey, who I love deeply (when I can feel things that have meaning) and genuinely feel pride in my duty towards, was the product of something completely meaningless.  I'm never going to tell him that, though.  He does have meaning, and his life will.  I'll make sure of it.



My duty as a parent, I realized last night, is to get him to adulthood safe and healthy - that's it.  But expanding "healthy" out to it's full equation means so many other things than physical well being - it means playtime, bedtime stories and music and kisses goodnight, teaching by example to be a decent human being, lessons about self-reliance and asking for help when you need it, socializing, the list is endless and goes on - that if I were explain it in just that first sentence, I wouldn't feel bad about myself and my role in being a parent.  It's my deal, not anyone else's. 



Fuck everyone and what they think about me.  I no longer have the time, patience, or luxury to keep these Negative Nancies around me, while I screw my head-brain up trying to achieve their approval while simultaneously trying to grasp the things I need to keep myself balanced and functioning.

That's what I'd like to say, but I think thinking like this and acting as such might stress the people I care about too much, because they care what people think about me.  Perhaps is best to not?  Perhaps.  I think so, maybe.

 

I existed (wouldn't call it living) for a solid twenty some odd years playing shit straight and safe and sane.  This led to an overabundance of having no fun whatsoever.  I've had it in the back of my mind for a year or two that life is short, shorter than most people think.  A lot of people realize this, yeah, that's cool, but it seems like they just get on about their days as if they were going to live another forty years, minimum.  They don't know how they're going to die, so they just sort of "Meh" at the world. 

Well, I'm not them.  I'm not anyone, except me.  I'm pretty sure I know that my life will probably end at my own hand, eventually.  Not soon, I think, not too terribly soon.  But I'll lose the fight someday, and it'll be game over, and what then?  What will I have done to excuse my life here?



The past couple of months have been tumultuous for me.  I'm somewhere different now, and I don't like it very much, but there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.  Well, there is a thing I can do, and that thing is to make up for years lost being safe and sane and motherfucking boring as a piece of cowshit.  I'm ready for debauchery and obnoxiousness and laughing and grinning and baying at the moon, shrieking gaily and cawing and leaping and chasing and fighting and dancing and more laughing.  That will be the rest of my life, to the best of my ability to keep doing so.  I've been doing good at it so far, so that's a positive thing. 



This second, I feel like my brain is glazed over and has a frozen grin and grimace of cold hate and a scary leer all at the same time.  I didn't a few days ago, so I know it'll pass pretty soon, but it isn't a nice feeling.  I'm getting good at ignoring things about myself or things I feel that I don't like, so it's cool I guess.  It's just kind of unsettling to not be able to feel things, sort of.  Not deep things, anyway. 
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Elder Iptuous

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Freeky,  i've been pretty damned lucky in my life.  like, sometimes it feels guilty lucky.
and yet, i can identify with some of what you say.
the feeling that you should be seeking more meaning.  or, sometimes, the feeling that you should, at least, want to seek more meaning.

i've found, in my experience, that the cause can be the cure....
gotta chase that Meaning, because we're blessed with such an ephemeral vapor of a life, right?  gotta do.... something.... because the shows over at midnight, right?
well. so is regret.
i meditate on that. 
it's unnatural for to imagine not existing in the future, because i have no memory of not existing (obviously).  and so, even if i rationally know this, it's hard not to think feel that i will regret "not doing this", or "not doing that" once i'm dead and i don't have a shot at it anymore.
i meditate on the time before i was alive.  that lack of being.  there's nothing -absolutely nothing- unsettling about that time.  so i think on it.  i hold it in my mind, and i stretch that notion forward to an unknown point in the future when i'm dead and gone.  and i tack the other end of that notion there.  it makes it seem less intimidating, and also makes projecting anticipated feelings beyond my life (such as regret) seem as silly as they really are....

ymmv

Freeky Queen of DERP

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I don't know what YMMV means.



As for seeking meaning, I'm not sure I want to do that.  It's like Lo5ing, you know?  If you're looking for it, I think, or maybe if I'm looking for it, I should say, then I will find it everywhere it shouldn't be. 

But I don't think that's to say that meaningless is bad, either.  Meaningless can still be fulfilling, given that you know it's meaningless, and aren't looking for meaning in just having fun.  If you try to derive meaning from meaningless, then I think it will be very unfulfilling for the person involved.
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Freeky Queen of DERP

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I like what you said.  I'm going to think about it some, and see if any of it sticks in my head. :)
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Roger put it well when he spoke of things people do to keep themselves busy until they die.  What is motivation or purpose?

We live on working around one third of our waking time, give or take.  We pursue interests, hungers, glandualar initiatives.  It could jsut as easily be a race to get to the next time we feel good (KISS or Van Halen) as a vain struggle to hang on to the times when we are feeling good (Simon and Garfunkle or Alice in Chains).  These are both traps though, and different sides of a coin suspiciously like addictive behavior.

People are interesting.  Socialization works for our species.  This may be another hard - coded initiative, but in the long run only by knowing and communicating with others can we get some perspective from outside our own heads.  (That or drugs - which leads back to the Alice in Chains problem)

If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.
My only cure thusfar has been momentum and focus.  I have Science!, and will carry it out as long as I can.  I will observe and learn and poke,  I will endure in this pursuit as long as I can, until my perspective is extinguished.  If there is more, then looking for it is worthier than just winking out in despair.  If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.
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Elder Iptuous

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ymmv=your mileage my vary
yeah...i may be using the term 'meaning' loosely.  but, it's kind of a loose word, anyways, i think.
if it gives you any comfort, i'd be happy.  :)

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If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.


Indeed.  Our individual lives mean jack shit on a global level, even less when you zoom out to the cosmos and surrounding environs.  All the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.  We are but a blink of an eye for Father Time, but throw some lemonade in his eyes, and make it one fucking HILARIOUS blink.
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Freeky Queen of DERP

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All the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.


Hm, I disagree with this, sort of.  For myself, anyway.  That could easily excuse the worst of behaviors people can inflict on other people, and in some cases, Libertarians.
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Freeky Queen of DERP

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If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.


There is certainly morality, I think.  Unless you mean is the universe is inherently moral?  In which case, no I don't think there is.  No evidence, just a feeling. 


I don't think it's so lonely, if a person focuses on things that mean something to them.  SCIENCE! works great for some people, and I'm glad you've found something there that keeps you going. :D
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Freeky Queen of DERP

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ymmv=your mileage my vary

if it gives you any comfort, i'd be happy.  :)

Ah good.  On both counts. :D
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AFK

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All the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.


Hm, I disagree with this, sort of.  For myself, anyway.  That could easily excuse the worst of behaviors people can inflict on other people, and in some cases, Libertarians.


I meant more in the sense that what one does satisfies their own set of sensibilities and not dependent on the measure-of-worth systems of others.


Certainly, I would not condone being a jerk to others for selfish means.
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Freeky Queen of DERP

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“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
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