Principia Discordia > Apple Talk

An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.

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The Good Reverend Roger:

--- Quote from: Dalek on November 18, 2012, 06:37:52 pm ---
--- Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 pm ---
--- Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 pm ---
--- Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 pm ---You have the floor, good sir.

--- End quote ---

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

--- End quote ---

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

--- End quote ---

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.

It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

--- End quote ---

See?  I knew you were a smart kid.

There are large blocks of time missing from my childhood.  Is this normal?  Am I suppressing bad memories?  What did I do, say, think?  Only a few, a very very few, remain intact.  Well, I say intact.  There are half-seconds worth, maybe a full two seconds for some particularly good memories, where I can say I did shit because I remember doing it.  Other things I only know because it was a routine thing, and yeah I did that, and I know I did, because I did it so much it's hard to forget a schedule I had for years and years.

Some years I cannot even recall at all.  Where was the location of my fifth grade classroom?  Or third?  Second?  I rememer preschool through first, remember clearly, and even a couple teachers.  Who was my best friend during those years?  It wasn't Natalie, she had started drifting away.  I can't remember anything, from such large blocks of time.

So, what happened?  I don't know.  I wish I knew. 

I still don't know what's real or fake anymore.  Is everything all in my head?  I can credit some things not being real, things being imagined and whatnot.  Is anything I think I know about anyone, including myself, even real?  Was it ever?  Do I really understand things like respect and love and friendship?  Is what I think is compassion and altruism in myself really just a series of selfish acts of fake fakery to get people to like me?

Is anything I perceive and interpret real?  not like, does anyone else exist.  No.  They exist, but how much of what I see and hear and experience is not tainted by admittedly bad wiring?  How much of anything meant anything at all?  How much was misinterpreted?  Was it everything? Most of it?  None of it?

I can't even decide what would be worse.  But not knowing drives me to distraction.  I'll never know, either. 

Oh well.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel:
Most people have spotty childhood memories.

The Good Reverend Roger:

--- Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 20, 2012, 04:53:24 pm ---Most people have spotty childhood memories.

--- End quote ---

Mine's more gone than intact, before about age 12.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel:
We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.


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