Author Topic: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.  (Read 2443 times)

Sexy St. Nigel

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If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.

You do realize that this sort of unspecific persecution post sounds paranoid and delusional, right?

I would expect so, if I were making some sort of accusation against anyone.

It's not the presence or absence of an accusation, it's the whole thing. It's just a generalized and unspecific post about how you're being persecuted, and it sounds paranoid and delusional enough that it's a little scary. It seems like in general, lately, you are not doing so hot, and your posts are becoming increasingly worrisome. What is going on?
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

Choppas an' Sluggas

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Shopping.  That's what's happening down here.  Shopping for lingerie, in fact, at Victoria's Secret.

I have not yet investigated whether I should feel like a heel in demanding these products, which could be made by children in sweatshops.  I don't think so, a little bit, because the prices are out fucking rageous.  So why did I leave the store with two bras at $62 and $58 respectively, and three (oops, four) pairs of underwear for what was hopefully $44 total?  Because. 

Because they feel fantastic on my skin - they use some real quality products.
Because I look fantastic in them - you'll just have to take my word on this.
Because, if only for the first five minutes I'm in them, I feel perfect.  The social perfect, that is.  These garments were made to be worn on the catwalk, on a 6'3" angry (but perfect) twig, not on some lumpy housewife who only wants to feel pretty for a night on the town.  They were made for the glass mannequin torsos adorning the stores, not the sweaty masses who have different body shapes and sizes and quirks that my society tells me is imperfect - and imperfect is worse than ugly, sometimes. 

These underthings, they fit like they were made for me, like I really was meant for the catwalk, or modelling in the magazines filled with things that are pretty.  They fit like I was perfect.

Or something.
Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

Elder Iptuous

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that's beautiful, Freeky.

Choppas an' Sluggas

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Thanks, Ippie.   :)
Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

Dalek

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You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

Sexy St. Nigel

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You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

This is awesome! <3 I respect nothing more than the willingness to really look at yourself and accept change when it's needed. Way to go, Dalek, you are indeed a biped!
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

Luna

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What Nigel said.  Good to hear, this.
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"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

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"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

Choppas an' Sluggas

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Well done, Dalek!  <3 :awesome:
Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

Cainad (dec.)

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Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

PD.com is a fucking godsend for that. I started posting here when I was around 16 or 17, exactly when I needed to have my head shrunk (blowing one's own mind a few times is good; multiple times again and again just leaves you with a big mess).

I figured you had it in you to see where you were going, and to put yourself on a different track. Rock on, dude.

Lenin McCarthy

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Awesome, Dalek!

I'm around the same age as you, and PD has been great at helping me become more aware of the uniforms I wear, the mistakes I make, helping me become a little less prone to bullshit. And without any illegal drugs involved (mostly for accessibility and social reasons).

The Good Reverend Roger

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You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

See?  I knew you were a smart kid.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

Choppas an' Sluggas

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There are large blocks of time missing from my childhood.  Is this normal?  Am I suppressing bad memories?  What did I do, say, think?  Only a few, a very very few, remain intact.  Well, I say intact.  There are half-seconds worth, maybe a full two seconds for some particularly good memories, where I can say I did shit because I remember doing it.  Other things I only know because it was a routine thing, and yeah I did that, and I know I did, because I did it so much it's hard to forget a schedule I had for years and years.

Some years I cannot even recall at all.  Where was the location of my fifth grade classroom?  Or third?  Second?  I rememer preschool through first, remember clearly, and even a couple teachers.  Who was my best friend during those years?  It wasn't Natalie, she had started drifting away.  I can't remember anything, from such large blocks of time.

So, what happened?  I don't know.  I wish I knew. 




I still don't know what's real or fake anymore.  Is everything all in my head?  I can credit some things not being real, things being imagined and whatnot.  Is anything I think I know about anyone, including myself, even real?  Was it ever?  Do I really understand things like respect and love and friendship?  Is what I think is compassion and altruism in myself really just a series of selfish acts of fake fakery to get people to like me?

Is anything I perceive and interpret real?  not like, does anyone else exist.  No.  They exist, but how much of what I see and hear and experience is not tainted by admittedly bad wiring?  How much of anything meant anything at all?  How much was misinterpreted?  Was it everything? Most of it?  None of it?

I can't even decide what would be worse.  But not knowing drives me to distraction.  I'll never know, either. 

Oh well.
Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

Sexy St. Nigel

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Most people have spotty childhood memories.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku

The Good Reverend Roger

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Most people have spotty childhood memories.

Mine's more gone than intact, before about age 12.
"What can we do to help you stop screaming?"

Sexy St. Nigel

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We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”

“People get used to anything. The less you think about your oppression, the more your tolerance for it grows. After a while, people just think oppression is the normal state of things. But to become free, you have to be acutely aware of being a slave.”
― Assata Shaku