There are large blocks of time missing from my childhood. Is this normal? Am I suppressing bad memories? What did I do, say, think? Only a few, a very very few, remain intact. Well, I say intact. There are half-seconds worth, maybe a full two seconds for some particularly good memories, where I can say I did shit because I remember doing it. Other things I only know because it was a routine thing, and yeah I did that, and I know I did, because I did it so much it's hard to forget a schedule I had for years and years.
Some years I cannot even recall at all. Where was the location of my fifth grade classroom? Or third? Second? I rememer preschool through first, remember clearly, and even a couple teachers. Who was my best friend during those years? It wasn't Natalie, she had started drifting away. I can't remember anything, from such large blocks of time.
So, what happened? I don't know. I wish I knew.
I still don't know what's real or fake anymore. Is everything all in my head? I can credit some things not being real, things being imagined and whatnot. Is anything I think I know about anyone, including myself, even real? Was it ever? Do I really understand things like respect and love and friendship? Is what I think is compassion and altruism in myself really just a series of selfish acts of fake fakery to get people to like me?
Is anything I perceive and interpret real? not like, does anyone else exist. No. They exist, but how much of what I see and hear and experience is not tainted by admittedly bad wiring? How much of anything meant anything at all? How much was misinterpreted? Was it everything? Most of it? None of it?
I can't even decide what would be worse. But not knowing drives me to distraction. I'll never know, either.