Dear <name redacted>
I read your PM, and frankly, I'd like to know what the hell gets into your head. You know, as everyone on the board knows, that I am a man of delicate sensitivies and mild disposition. On top of this, I am currently suffering from a bit of a sinus infection that has left me feeling weak and nauseated.
So to PM me with a request such as that is not only boorish and rude, it is also more than a little heartless. First of all, I don't even own that kind of car, nor am I as flexible as I once was. Even if I did and I was, I'd likely sneeze 2-3 pounds of snot into the ashtray, which would ruin the moment for everyone. The other half of your idea is unworkable because neither of my vehicles is a stickshift.
Lastly, while I am up for a good time as much as anyone else, and while I do not believe that animals have rights, there are limitations to what hideous things I will do to them in the name of sport. Perhaps the idea would be workable with one or two local politicians. They are useless beasts, whose eyes roll up into their heads on the very mention of innocent things like duty, honesty, or dedication. They wouldn't be missed.
In closing, let me tell you that you are NOT welcome here, and should you schelp your way West and land upon my doorstep, I shall have no option other than to sneeze whatever vile thing that has infested my nose into your face, stick you in a barrel, and roll you down the hill into construction traffic. We've had your sort around here before, and we know your tricks.
There. Now you've made me lose my temper...Thanks a lot. Don't write back until I feel better.
Love & Kisses,