I know you said that you wouldn't tolerate excuses, but I have a real good one.
Twice-monthly community updates for the small desert town of Night Vale, featuring local weather, news, announcements from the Sheriff's Secret Police, mysterious lights in the night sky, dark hooded figures with unknowable powers, and cultural events. Turn on your radio and hide. Welcome to Night Vale.
The Apache Tracker, and I remind you that this is that white guy who wears the huge and cartoonishly inaccurate Indian headdress, has announced that he has found some disturbing evidence concerning the recent incident at the Night Vale post office which has been sealed by the City Council since the great screaming that was heard from it a few weeks ago. He said using 'ancient Indian magics' he slipped through Council security into the post office and observed that all the letters and packages had been thrown about as in a whirlwind. That there was the heavy stench of scorched flesh. That the words written in blood on the wall said "More to come, and soon." Can you believe this guy said he used Indian magics? What an asshole!