Author Topic: Culinary Alchemy (Or: Sustenance, and Its Apotheosis)  (Read 1196 times)

Manta Obscura

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Culinary Alchemy (Or: Sustenance, and Its Apotheosis)
« on: March 31, 2014, 02:36:25 am »
After years of tireless research, soul-breaking effort, and far too little recuperative intoxication, I present to you the foolproof steps to transforming any base, meager meal into taste-bud gold. Steps must be followed exactly for best effect.

1) Become ill eating questionable beef tacos at a party thrown by a dude who, despite being 24, still uses the childish nickname "Chucky."

2) Swear off meat forever and ever (amen). Become a vegetarian for 1 year.

3) Eat a spicy jalapeno burger in a roadside stand in Needles, California. Repeat step 2.

4) Discover, at hungry o'clock, that your refrigerator is empty because you foolishly decided to spend your money on heat and electricity rather than sustenance. Hear your stomach grumble, and wonder why the human stomach has an alarm clock. Break open your piggy bank and loot money from its innards. Call your bookie and ask him to please not send Mongo around to break your knees, 'cuz you're totally good for the money this time, and you'll probably have it by next Tuesday.

5) Take your pork loot to your nearest supermarket, preferably one with bars in the windows (that probably indicates that it's safer than other, lesser grocers' institutions).

6) Find meat in cooler shelf for $1 per pound. Spend 5 minutes wondering what type of meat it is. Give up in despair, and pick up 3 units.

7) Randomly choose items from other aisles whose prices do not exceed the remaining $3.42 you have in your pocket. Leave store with (2) shrimp ramen, (1) Croco-crunch cereal box, (1) package block American cheese, (1) tub salt, (1) pack gum. Return home.

8) Heat water on stove to boiling (preferably in a pot or other cookware). Cook ramen and drain, because why the hell not? Return pot to stove.

9) Empty contents of meat pack into pot. Cook until meat turns brown. Wonder if meat was supposed to turn brown. Apply salt and pepper. Consider applying crumbled Croco-crunch, but decide against it.

10) Empty contents of meat mixture over ramen. Mix.

11) Ingest. Decide it is the most delicious item of food ever.
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The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Culinary Alchemy (Or: Sustenance, and Its Apotheosis)
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2014, 02:39:27 am »
That sounds like college.   :lulz:
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Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Culinary Alchemy (Or: Sustenance, and Its Apotheosis)
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2015, 04:56:41 am »
That sounds like college.   :lulz:

That depends on if you have the meal plan or not

When I was in college my parents sprung for the expensive meal plan and so for me college was  remembering  at the end of the semester that I still had a bunch credits left over that wouldn't roll over to the next semester and blowing them all on five pounds of candy and so many energy drinks that they're still taking up space in my fridge nine years later.

EDIT:
And that's why I have health problems today and sometimes get winded walking up one flight of stairs
« Last Edit: February 22, 2015, 05:00:49 am by Prelate Diogenes Shandor »
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Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Culinary Alchemy (Or: Sustenance, and Its Apotheosis)
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2015, 04:58:26 am »
But yeah. That's an awesome story.
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.

a plague on both your houses -Mercutio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8

It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft

He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q

You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata

Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago