Author Topic: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!  (Read 7558 times)

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #75 on: October 05, 2016, 02:07:15 am »
How'd it go for you P3nt?

It's been interesting. Gave me a good solid place to start from. An attitude that can laugh off most hurdles and a desire to push this monkey as far as it'll go. That might have come later, tho, after the depression and anxiety and bipolar and all that shit that had to be purged and stripped out. That shit was an adventure in itself. No regrets.

Me neither, though I pay the toll daily. I've got to give Nietzsche credit where due on the "whatever doesn't kill you..." bit. See the ones that such reversals don't turn truly rotten, which isn't as common as one might think, often become the very much needed lesson in the life of some young punk about to implode on hate.

In the words of Q.G.
Herein used previously
WE'RE NOT DEAD YET!!
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

P3nT4gR4m

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #76 on: October 05, 2016, 02:48:54 pm »
the ones that such reversals don't turn truly rotten, which isn't as common as one might think

It's fucking hard. Why in the hell would anyone think a human accomplishing something hard was common? Most of the fuckers seem to have a bad enough time with the easy shit.
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"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and itís not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesnít matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #77 on: October 05, 2016, 05:48:30 pm »
the ones that such reversals don't turn truly rotten, which isn't as common as one might think

It's fucking hard. Why in the hell would anyone think a human accomplishing something hard was common? Most of the fuckers seem to have a bad enough time with the easy shit.

It's been my experience that a lot of folks sort of have a poor impression of what violence and it's consequences are like. It's a TV land mentality. Every one who ever had it rough goes "bad" and of course the fantastic "good guys" are always well and wholesome.

There is a detective drama called Luther on Netflix from the UK that takes a more realistic look at violently psychotic behavior and doesn't spare the protagonist from the very opening. They don't do it that way over here much.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #78 on: November 17, 2016, 01:17:52 pm »
There's no rational way to express my feelings as I look at where we are now compared to the last time I wrote for this. For several reasons I will refrain from the attempt to at all do so here for the time being. What I now hope to write out is my personal needs and shortcomings as I see them. I'm trying to build myself up again, this time better than what I was made by circumstances of my birth and choices stemming through childhood. I'm trying most of all to dispell my complacency in both body and mind, my slovenly and often outright slothful habits of living, my impoverished educational and financial status, and in all ways to bring strength to myself where before I have been apathetic or even spiteful about life.

I have almost nothing really. My health is shit in body and mind right now. Even trying to write or meaningfully express here or in social media is upsetting, PAINFUL, and difficult, but I do it and will persist because I have to now. My conscience won't just let me walk away at this point. I don't know what else to do really. Slowly I'm going to have to understand that I don't have to do certain things that I do or in the ways that I have always done them. Somehow somehow I have to find a way more effective for myself than what I have attempted so far to date.

 It's hard enough for me to do this, that is to say to write at all. Even as I attempt to use the voice software on my phone to do writing I find myself inhibited and annoyed by the frequency of the errors and the fact that it can't keep up with me in speech very well. I am going to keep trying later, but for now it's slowing my momentum more than helping.

In point of fact I'm kinda burnt from just trying to write this out. I keep stopping and staring at the screen unable to force myself to get what I hoped to out for now. It's been a couple hours of this just to get this out,  so I'm posting it as something at least as my roommates begin running around and fucking up my concentration through no fault of theirs.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #79 on: July 09, 2017, 06:56:07 am »
Once again it's been a long time since I last wrote for this thread. My world took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and now I admit I am pretty lost. My mental state is pretty shot. I haven't experienced a suicidal depression as strong as the one I'm not entirely unsuccessfully fighting off. I was attempting to reboot my life after having found myself living on my Dad's couch for a few months from the holidays through to tax time mostly unemployed and suppressing the already growing sense that death was preferable to what I was feeling day after day. My stubborn ass wouldn't ask for help or even acknowledge that there was a problem, and that there had been one for quite some time now. I let myself believe that getting back to where I had been and independent again would "fix" things. I was of course wrong.

I took my tax return and made arrangements to live in the rooms for rent above a dojo operated by a couple of close friends. The landlord is a horrible negligent dick. The place is infested with insects and mold. The dojo below it is not and they allow me to use their bathroom, wifi, and a fridge and microwave in the back office in exchange for doing the cleaning and performing other minor tasks as needed. I had gotten a  job and due to my mental state was unable to work it for more than a couple of days. I won't go into detail, but due to several factors the urge to violence of self and others became unmanageable and I walked out. About three days later I was ready to give suicide the first real try since grade school.

One of the owners of the dojo is a very close friend of mine for nearly 20 years now. He saw that something was wrong and insisted that I go to the county for crisis triage. I figured what the fuck. Worst case scenario they can't do shit and I'm back where I'm at and ready to go... away. Somehow despite showing up a bit too late to the thing I was selected to be taken in. The county can only handle 5 new cases a week. It was between me and another guy that had arrived at the same time. I suggested a coin flip still not really sure I wanted to be there. He lost and I'm now in therapy and on medicare. I'm unable to hold a job and have applied for disability and better housing. Both are pending and I've been profoundly impoverished materially since March, but a little bit at a time my spirit has been healing. The pills help. My councilors help. I'm getting helped and am grateful. I'm also still a wreck, just a somewhat more stable one.

My room costs $300 per month and my father has been paying it and giving me 100 per month for necessities like phone and gas. Disability will pay back pay and if I'm approved, which is very likely, will repay him. I get $198 per month in food stamps and had to get a medical waiver because Wisconsin otherwise requires you to work or volunteer 20 hrs a week to receive them for more than 3 months.  It's sufficient, my accommodation is not. I literally just killed yet another bed bug while writing this. My legs and hands are scabbed and scarred, itchy with new bites most nights. There's mites and tiny little ticks too. I sleep in my clothes and it is still only just so helpful. Some of the tenants are horrible literally rotten hoarders. No amount of spraying has proven permanently effective. On occasion I sleep on the mats in the dojo when I can't stand it any longer. It's not comfortable but neither is slowly getting eaten.

In all this I have found myself managing to get by somehow and it's been nearly a week since I felt a strong suicidal urge. The thoughts aren't entirely gone, but they aren't center stage in my mind any longer. The last time I had a breakdown severe enough to wind up getting help was a manic episode about 13 years ago when I split from my ex-wife... on bad terms. This depression is a different creature entirely and has been building for a few years now... the underlying problems are lifelong as detailed earlier ITT.

Going to stop and sleep now. Think I'll sleep in the dojo tonight.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #80 on: July 09, 2017, 07:02:18 am »
I hope things improve.

If you can scrape $10 together, go get a 5 pound bucket of diatomaceous earth at the hardware store and spread it around the room.  It kills anything with an exoskeleton stone dead.
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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #81 on: July 09, 2017, 10:44:46 am »
Hang in there Joseph. I notice you say you're living above a dojo? If I was living above a dojo and in the grip of an almighty downer, I've no doubt I'd have a million and one excuses not to go downstairs and train like a fucking wild animal.

Just thought it might be worth posting that in case you got a few depression-spawned excuses of your own going on. Might not be a cure all but in my experience depression has a much harder time keeping a grip on a tough exercise regime.
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Q. G. Pennyworth

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #82 on: July 09, 2017, 06:17:05 pm »
It's good to hear from you again. Roger's right about the diatomaceous earth trick, it won't clear the rest of the building but it'll help with the crawly things. Keep not being dead as long as you can.
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Faust

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #83 on: July 09, 2017, 09:21:52 pm »
I'm not good at, or rather never know what to say but take care of yourself man, it doesn't sound like an easy situation, but I'm glad you have support and having the dojo nearby sounds like it takes some of the edge off.

Junkenstein

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #84 on: July 09, 2017, 10:40:21 pm »
Obligatory mention of sapolskys lecture on depression and  reminder that it's required watching.

Stay safe man.
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The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #85 on: July 09, 2017, 11:33:43 pm »
I hope things improve.

If you can scrape $10 together, go get a 5 pound bucket of diatomaceous earth at the hardware store and spread it around the room.  It kills anything with an exoskeleton stone dead.

I'll see what I can do. Thanks! If I can seal the walls and baseboards I should be ok. I don't intend to be here after my lease is up end of August if possible.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #86 on: July 09, 2017, 11:42:29 pm »
Hang in there Joseph. I notice you say you're living above a dojo? If I was living above a dojo and in the grip of an almighty downer, I've no doubt I'd have a million and one excuses not to go downstairs and train like a fucking wild animal.

Just thought it might be worth posting that in case you got a few depression-spawned excuses of your own going on. Might not be a cure all but in my experience depression has a much harder time keeping a grip on a tough exercise regime.

When I can I intend to join at only $100 per month. I'll need to sign a waiver to use the "equipment", but I take walks when I can for now. Getting myself motivated has been hugely difficult but I'm on a new medicine that seems to be fixing that as it works in. It's called wellbutrin. Makes your brain delay reuptake of adrenaline and dopamine so although I'm a bit jumpy I've had an easier time actually doing things this last week, including writing that last post.

I have a long way to go to get back into decent condition, but now at about 35 is the time or never. I could be trim in a few years if I can get into the right dietary and exercise habits.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #87 on: July 09, 2017, 11:43:21 pm »
It's good to hear from you again. Roger's right about the diatomaceous earth trick, it won't clear the rest of the building but it'll help with the crawly things. Keep not being dead as long as you can.

Will do!  :)
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #88 on: July 09, 2017, 11:47:12 pm »
I'm not good at, or rather never know what to say but take care of yourself man, it doesn't sound like an easy situation, but I'm glad you have support and having the dojo nearby sounds like it takes some of the edge off.

It does. I meditate frequently. It's not a cure, but the space here is very peaceful and I keep it fairly tidy and clean. If I only had my shitty room I'd be in much worse shape by now. PD helps too for the record.

You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: On Who I Am & What The Hell I'm Doing On Your Lawn!
« Reply #89 on: July 09, 2017, 11:50:12 pm »
Obligatory mention of sapolskys lecture on depression and  reminder that it's required watching.

Stay safe man.

Thanks!

Found the lecture and will watch in a bit. I leave a link here in case someone stumbles upon this thread in a bad condition.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz: