Author Topic: Apocrypha Discordia  (Read 3805 times)

The Wizard Joseph

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Apocrypha Discordia
« on: September 10, 2015, 03:07:26 am »
Apocrypha Discordia
A collection of mythological rumors and and historical asides that either expand upon the otherwise unmentioned details of a given story or claim special knowledge of an historic event "left out of the history books".

The annals of Dustrael, last of the watchers would qualify. AD may be a worthy fictitious reference book for my own story lines. It might also make a fun project proposal to pitch to PD.com


Sample story from:
The Annals of Dustrael,
Last of The Motherfukkin' Grigori (sic)

The Real Story: Adonis
Section 1

Now some of the few monkeys on this grubby mudball that even know the name of Adonis know at least one actual fact about the fool. He was really pretty looking.  He was SO damn fine that even the goddesses just had to check him out, like all the time. Yes, pretty he was. He was so pretty that Aphrodite, Miss Thang herself, went and started seeing him like ALL the time. This got to be a problem because all the other goddesses started slackin' and jaw jackin' on about how good he was lookin' and how Aphrodite was always hogging up all his face time AND all his below the waist time. Now Aphrodite ain't really into sharing, not part of a goddess' upbringing.

The goddesses were all so obsessed that the male gods weren't getting any at all, not Ares, not Hades, definitely not Hephaestius' gimpy ass (sic again..). Even big daddy Zeus noticed that Hera was spending an awful lot more time chatting with the other goddesses and taking long trips into the countryside below Olympus. This suited Zeus just fine mostly. Zeus always gets his and now he didn't have to sneak around as much. Problem was all the male Gods were getting uptight and ornery as fuck, especially grump-ass Hades and that hot headed little snot Ares. Both of them just HATED Adonis. Ares hated him because Aphrodite had been his main squeeze, and now wouldn't stop playing monkey-stick with Adonis. Hades hated him maybe more because he had to listen to Persephone goin' on and on about him anytime she was in Tartarus, about half a year at a time.

Thing is, Adonis might have been pretty, for sure now, but what most who maybe heard of him didn't bother to look up was that he was also a product of incest. His mama, Myrrah, had tricked her daddy into getting with her during a festival by swapping with a village girl that was supposed to be her daddy's "festival girl".  He had partied so hard that he had had no idea who he was with by evening. Man, that dude could put em' away. Good times!

Anyways, so Adonis was what you might call real, real special. Just wasn't nobody manning the walls, if you follow me. Sweet guy though, he was a real people person at heart.

*background voice of Adonis, absurdly enthusiastic* "Adooonis!! I like helping!!!"

All Adonis really had was his looks and one other redeeming virtue.  I haven't used the word elephantine in a sentence for a while so we'll just describe it like that. Adonnis' primary redeeming virtue was elephantine, and well cherished by Aphrodite. Meaningful conversation was never really her thing anyway.

So the story you can go read varies but here's the gist of how it really went. Adonis liked to hunt. He wasn't good at it; nobody wanted to bring him with them.

*Adonis again, loud as fuck* "I see it! I see the stag! I'll get it! Adooonis!!"

Now most times this meant he and Aphrodite would go out and he'd hunt small game with a sport bow or sling, still couldn't hit the bottom of a canyon if he jumped in. Aphrodite would humor him and tag along, keeping him safe and letting him find game she killed for him and hid. He was ALWAYS far more enthusiastic after a good "hunt", so this became a very regular thing. It went on like this for quite some time in fact. Word got around. Eventually plans got laid to put an end to the situation.

The Real Story: Adonis
Section 2

For time out of mind Eris, we all just used to call her Woe back then, had grown to REALLY hate Aphrodite and just loved fucking with her mind at every opportunity. Oh and she was ruthless! Mmmm... so ruthless. Pretty much any time Aphrodite took a mortal lover Eris would be ready, behind the bar, in the alley, at home, any given stable really, to jump that mortal really quiet like and show 'em the good stuff. For all her looks and power Aphrodite wasn't the best lay ever, Eris was.
HAND TO THE LAWD I SWEAR IT'S THE TRUTH!

Eris would turn that monkey inside out on the sly every time, and leave Aphrodite wondering why they always seemed to "break" after a while and start staring vacantly at nothing, not even seeming to see her. Eris was always happy to suggest, when Aphrodite inevitably came by to gossip, that she just needed to find one that was more lively. This had continued for ages and had ruined kings, priests, adventurers, stable boys, particularly attractive beggars, and even a philosopher or two.

When Adonis' turn inevitably came Eris looked that silly mortal in the eye and just couldn't do it, elephantine virtue or not.  He was just too innocent. Truth was he was just what that vacuous Aphrodite needed really.

 Then crafty goddess Eris saw a use for his vacant enthusiasm that would be far more rewarding than the same old games. She patted him on the head and told him she had heard what a great hunter he was and that she was very pleased to finally meet him after all the good things Aphrodite had said about him. She said that if he could keep it a secret that she'd tell him what Aphrodite said she had always wanted.

*Adonis trying to be secretive and "quiet"* "I can be quiet! I keep secrets! III'm Adooo-" *claping sound, voice cuts off*

Eris told the pretty, silly monkey that Aphrodite had always wanted him to surprise her with a big trophy animal, but didn't want to pressure him, and that he had to be quiet about it, and never ever say anything, or her feelings might be hurt because she had told Eris in private.  Eris was sure he'd get a chance one day though and he should keep hunting with Aphrodite, until he could go and find big game one day, like the other men do. Then good old Woe put a finger across his lips and said "SHHH!", and Adonis nodded vigorously.




Now the rest of the story is well documented, but there's a few deets missing. I'll just fill them in as well as I can later, but don't got all night.
Shahrazahd yalls! I'll be back another night real soon. - Dustrael
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

Hoopla

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2015, 03:49:19 pm »
That title has already been used.
"Soon, all of us will have special names." -Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." -Bob Dylan?

"I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself; I am large - I contain multitudes."  -Walt Whitman

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2015, 06:11:54 pm »
That title has already been used.

That's ok. It's just an idea that hit me a while back. I'll google it up later. Thanks for letting me know!
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2015, 06:15:44 pm »
The Real Story: Adonis
Section 3


One day, years later, Aphrodite was about to take Adonis on a "hunt" and do her usual. By this time she was hooked on him like herion, and Olympus was generally upset over "The Incident". Human love not being a thing gods really experience, she was as close as it gets. Had to have it!

Over the years Adonis had been taking longer and longer amounts of time to satisfy on their hunts and seemed ever more reckless. Unknown to Aphrodite, the cause was that more and more Adonis was hoping to encounter big game and impress her. Aphrodite had to work very hard indeed to keep him safe and had developed a madly over-protective mentality as she feared Adonis would either come to harm or "break" one day as so many other mortals had.

This day started like many others, but just as Aphrodite and Adonis were preparing to leave for their hunt Hermes came runnin' up on them with a message for Aphrodite bearing the seal of Zeus himself. Aphrodite and the rest of the goddesses had been summoned immediately to Olympus. Now Aphrodite might be willing to do some pretty stupid things, like Adonis, but disobeying Zeus' direct orders meant sure doom.

Aphrodite turned to Adonis and said she had to go and not to go runnin' off and hunting anything but the usual small game because she couldn't stand to see him get himself hurt. Adonis' big old grin and vigorous nodding was taken as agreement, and Aphrodite headed off to Olympus to prepare for a high court appearance before Zeus. I ain't got proof, but it's said Eris managed to convince her daddy that a formal court was the best way to address recent problems arising from Aphrodite's scandalous monkey fixation.

So of course while Aphrodite was gone Adonis went off to hunt. The known story kind of tells itself from here. Everybody knows that Adonis met a group of hunters on his way to the wild that teased him about only hunting small game and asked after his missing companion and whether she had gotten tired of him. What happened then, the bits on the record,  was that Adonis swore he'd get himself a big kill and ran off with a spear into the wild, encountered a boar, threw his spear (you're supposed to set it against the boar's charge not throw it), pissed off the boar, and got his cock and balls bitten off and eaten. Then he bled out and died.
Fuckin' Greeks man.

See now what none of you mortals know is that Ares was leading those hunters that day in mortal guise. He was always particularly good at goading folks into doing stupid and rash shit, and this is generally how he won battles.

The spear that Ares tossed to eager young Adonis had been special made by Haphastius and was sure to hit any target it was intended to. It was otherwise like any other spear and could only strike with the force brought by the user.

The boar was no ordinary boar either. Hades had done his part too and unleashed an ancient, terribly vicious devil-boar bound in Tartarus since the Titanomachy known to have a taste for genitals, it's given name in fact simply meant testicle-chewer, and the beast was especially hard even for a god to track down.

Yes, it was a set-up. Adonis got hit, but telling the story was left to the priests and portraying the gods as the dastardly jerks that they are was frowned upon back in those days, with fire usually. His death wasn't the whole story though. The rest of the story I'll finish out in the last section.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2015, 09:04:30 pm »
That title has already been used.

That's ok. It's just an idea that hit me a while back. I'll google it up later. Thanks for letting me know!

After some reflection and a quick scan of the PDF I like my idea better, but hey it's all good.

An amusing thought did strike me. Is it an "abuse" of kopyleft to decide that the title of a given work is fine and entirely re-purpose the rest of it?

I mean when they say modify how far could one take it?
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

LMNO

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2015, 09:06:56 pm »
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law; but you don't have to be a dick about it."

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2015, 10:24:08 pm »
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law; but you don't have to be a dick about it."
:lulz: I very much like that variant!


See but once you add that you're kind of back at the Jesus quote Crowley riffed in the first place without the bit about getting God involved.

Love God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength, And love your neighbor as yourself and this is the whole of the law. 

Roughly composited from Matthew and Galatians, which was paraphrasing Matthew.

Crowley goes on in his version to say "love" is the law, love under will.

 :sad: it occurs to me I've wasted entirely too much time reading WAY too far into this.

I've got absolutely no intention of being such a dick though. It was just the question that came to mind. I'll just finish up the Adonis story and let the thread sink.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

drjon

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2015, 03:05:04 am »
Perhaps "Annals Discordium" might be apropos...
--><--
Eris Broke my Hot Rod
The Appendix Discordia:
- The Semi-Official Quasi-Clandestine Bavarian Illuminati/Discordian Archives
- How The West Was Lost (Principia Discordia - The 1st Edition)
- The Apocrypha Discordia

Doktor Howl

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2015, 04:17:10 am »
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law; but you don't have to be a dick about it."

May not apply in Tucson, Providence, or Portland.  Bite me.

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2015, 02:42:38 pm »
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law; but you don't have to be a dick about it."

YOINK!
Overheating Pheremone Pustule of Last Saturday's Jiggle Fun| _xgeWireToEvent: Unknown extension 131, this should never happen.

Don't fucking judge me, I've got tentacles for a face.

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2015, 04:38:18 pm »
Perhaps "Annals Discordium" might be apropos...

Not a bad suggestion, but no. That would be settling for what I don't actually want when I can just come up with something else entirely.

I could easily call it Discordian Pseudepigrapha. The meaning is closer to what I dreamed up anyway
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

LMNO

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2015, 04:41:02 pm »
"Fables of Discord"

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2015, 04:41:42 pm »
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2015, 02:46:45 pm »
The Real Story: Adonis
Section 4

See now I always have had a burning question on my mind about the whole thing. Did old Haphaestius know that Adonis DIDN'T know how to hunt?  Sorry to say it's too late to find out for sure now, and that's a whole 'nuther story.

I still gotta wonder how it coulda been if Adonis had just been tolerated more by the other hunters and taught, had maybe known to wait for the charge, had set that spear and leaned in, could he have maybe killed the motherfucker? The spear couldn't miss. Adonis woulda been a hero lauded for all time if he'd brought that horrible, ball-snatchin' fiend down for his first big kill.

I think that's just possibly exactly what that wiley tinker Haphaestius was hoping to see happen. What actually happened might even have been more than he'd dreamed possible, as it turned out.

I hear all you skeptical smartasses and disbelieving fools already, "But why make it a conspiracy!?" Put your razors down primates; I got no beef with the Occam gang. Haphaestizzle had himself some serious possible motive. See Aphrodite was his wife and Ares pretty much took her from him. He was hateful and bitter as hell towards them both, and for the Olympians that means forever fool. You might have known that if you'd read more.

Seeing the motivation now? If Adonis had become a hero he might have been a more politically acceptable consort for Aphrodite and Ares woulda been fuck outta luck, probably forever if the kid got promoted to immortal. It was probably his destiny or whatever.  He wound up an immortal after the boar accident anyway.

And so it goes. Here's the fallout of the events as things actually played out. Adonis is associated with several seasonal deities by some of your "scolars", but that's just not accurate. Stories get completely jacked around all the time in theology so I'll give you the as rest plainly as I can.

Aphrodite had herself a 5-alarm breakdown when she realized Adonis had died. I have seen some shit in my time, but let me tell you I ain't never seen the like of it again and I've REALLY been around folks. All the drama came to a head when she threatened to burn down ALL the ambrosia stores and herself with them. She had stolen several large flagons of one of her husband's VERY BEST Greek fire recipes, never did say how exactly, and a torch.

Not long afterward she had herself half coated and standing in a pool of that horrible shit well inside the doorway to the bottom level of the ambrosia silos. She was holding out that torch and shrieking like hell for Zeus, RIGHT NOW. She was only finally consoled when Zeus promised, gave his immortal word as King of Olympus, to bring Adonis back to life so he could live with her on Olympus forever. This is where the term "holding a torch for someone" came from by the way. You're welcome.

"Now please slowly, slowly hand daddy that torch baby, okay?"
It was a great moment, really.
Eris sure was smiling widely.
I never want to see it ever again.

So Zeus brings Adonis back to life and makes him immortal of course, but Adonis' mortal junk had long since been processed into devil-boar spoor and some things just can't be undone. Zeus was obliged to follow through as best he could and Adonis was his old, enthusiastic self again in no time, minus a few not so little deets. There had been no mention of Adonis having to be fully intact in the agreement, and Aphrodite had claimed for years now that she saw more than that in him, really!!

They wrapped Adonis up in some nice, new duds and gave him a little cleaning and grooming. Eris absolutely insisted on cutting his hair for some reason. He looked better than ever and Aphrodite was absolutely beaming all into that evening's revelry. It was fuckin' disgusting. They must have loudly declared their mutual love a couple hundred times. This was also the invention of the drinking game. Eris, Zeus, and yours truly started it. Everyone but "AA" was playing it by the end of the night.

As you might have guessed, Aphrodite wasn't able to admit to a problem with her new love at first. Hephaestius was just chipper as can be though. Ares went off to go kill things and hadn't been back for a while. Hades hadn't been seen for ages, but that was normal. Not having to hear about Adonis was all he had really wanted. Then it went all sideways again.

ALL of the gods on Olympus had at last become united in opinion on at least on major issue. Adonis was the most insufferable shithead ever to walk the face of Terra. Hands down. Eventually even Aphrodite was openly sick of him. He was ALWAYS trying to help with things and talk about hunting with the gods. It was always the same conversation or pushy need to help people. It was all he did. Ever. In the end Zeus did what he had to do.

*Image of Hades speaking with barely contained fury from Tartarus to Zeus through a crystal device while Zeus reclines contentedly*
BROTHER WE HAD AN AGREEMENT! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM BACK!!
*Background sound of distant but still LOUD Adonis shouting*
Sissyfuss!! I'll help you! I can push too! Aaaadonnis!
*Hades again, looking and sounding uncharacteristically rattled*
HOW ABOUT WE SPLIT CUSTODY? WE EACH GET HIM FOR TWO MONTHS AND HE CAN SPEND THE OTHER EIGHT TRAVELING BACK AND FORTH ON FOOT? PLEASE BROTHER DON'T DO THIS!!!

Zeus always did know when to call a hard deal good enough.
And so Adonis walks himself back and forth from Olympus to the mouth of Tartarus, season after season, to this day.

That's the real story.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Apocrypha Discordia
« Reply #14 on: October 14, 2015, 05:21:38 am »
I'm going to just keep posting some of my alternative stories to this thread for now until I figure out what else to do with them. This next set of three are completed versions of some stuff I had posted in rough form a while back. It's 5 parts total, and I'm hoping that posting the first three will help motivate me to complete the telling. The story is complete in my head, but telling it has been a strangely difficult thing to do. I'm probably just being too fussy and so have made it my next thing to scratch offa muh list.


The following is entitled "On The Secret Genesis of Eris", OTSGE for short. I'll put the first 3 in their own posts below.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz: