Author Topic: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)  (Read 11732 times)

LMNO

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #105 on: June 23, 2018, 05:45:53 pm »
 :lulz:

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #106 on: June 24, 2018, 10:18:27 am »
beautiful. :D
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It was fucking horrible.  Do not trust your younger self.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #107 on: June 28, 2018, 02:00:53 am »
Soooo...My boss asked to see my budget re-forecast.

Boss:  "Um, this is pretty dense stuff."

Me:  "You asked for a budget analysis and there it is.  4 spreadsheets and 20 pages of it.  One thing worth noting is that I am under-budget on employer burden and WAY over-budget on overtime, meaning that my headcount is wrong."

Boss:  "Where is that?"

Me:  "Spreadsheet one, page one, line items 1 & 3.  The analysis is in the text, section IIa."

Boss:  "Most people just add 3%."

Me:  "I'm not most people."

Boss:  "You don't say.  Can you just give me a summary?"

Me:  "Give me some more money you bastard."

Boss:  ...

Me:  "That's what it all comes down to, really.  Also, summaries just make people mad.  Look, you're mad right now."
« Last Edit: June 28, 2018, 02:03:33 am by Doktor Howl »
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #108 on: June 30, 2018, 01:22:49 am »
So, the electrical bill split that was given to me in January seems to have no connection with reality, which I had noted at the time.  I was told to use it anyway.  Now the guy that told me to use it (boss's boss) says it's wrong and here's the correct one, oh and by the way I have 5 days to fix the enormous snaggle.

Completed 3 hours later, double checked and all the accountant group has to do is add or subtract a single number per account per month for 5 months.  Call it 30 minutes of work.

Controller:  "How the hell did you do this so fast?"

Me:  "My Excel-fu is strong.  It is in fact a 300 pound javelina and it's balls bounce on the floor."

*everyone stops and stares at me*

Me:  "Was that inappropriate?"

Princess Stephanie:  "Um."

Me:  "I just saved you 30 hours of double entry work."

Princess Stephanie: "Okay, the javelina thing is okay.  With the balls bouncing on the floor and whatnot."

Controller:  "Totally okay.  Now can you unfuck your labor numbers?"

Me:  "SHOW ME WHERE THE MIC IS AT."
« Last Edit: June 30, 2018, 01:24:22 am by Doktor Howl »
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #109 on: June 30, 2018, 10:09:52 pm »
Quick conversation with Kathy, the world's second-scariest Russian.

Kathy:  "What did you do to my assistant?"

Me:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Kathy:  "Ever since she helped you guys with that water problem, she's been positively manic."

Me:  "Is that a bad thing?"

Kathy:  "No.  It's great.  She's twice as productive and she's interested in learning how everything works."

Me:  "Well, she caught fire.  She has learned the glory of knowing things and learning things and working with her brain instead of her boredom."

Kathy:  "Can you bottle that?"

Me:  "No, but I have a blowtorch in the shop and we can maybe use that on the general workforce."

Kathy:  "muhaha"
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #110 on: July 10, 2018, 09:41:10 pm »
Kevin:  "I don't get it.  The surlier we are, the more good press we get."

Me:  "It's simple, Kevin.  The public has an image of maintenance that they like to believe in.  We are grizzled old bastards with *just* the right amount of cheek.  We are like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, only there will be no singing whatsoever."

Kevin:  "That sounds unlikely."

Me:  "It is the plain and simple truth.  No matter what is in the package, if the box is colorful, they will like it.  You could pack a Hasbro box full of dog shit and people would line up around the block."

Kevin:  "That's cynical as hell."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "You just called me Billy."

Me:  "Different box, same shit.  Once you look past the packaging, people are remarkably fungible."

Kevin:  "How do you even get dressed in the morning?  You're completely bugshit."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true.  The graveyards are full of unique and irreplaceable people."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #111 on: July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #112 on: July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?
The Goddess of Discord = 67 = Eris Kallisti Discordja = 67 = Gnosis Goddess of Art and Creativity = 67 = Capeditiea = 67 = Goddess of Enigma
[GoN]

It was fucking horrible.  Do not trust your younger self.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #113 on: July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #114 on: July 11, 2018, 01:58:20 am »
Also, I have been accused of "weaponizing my budget."
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #115 on: July 11, 2018, 06:08:09 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.

*mischievious laughter ensues. I took it :D
The Goddess of Discord = 67 = Eris Kallisti Discordja = 67 = Gnosis Goddess of Art and Creativity = 67 = Capeditiea = 67 = Goddess of Enigma
[GoN]

It was fucking horrible.  Do not trust your younger self.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #116 on: July 17, 2018, 11:32:56 pm »
Me:  "Goddammit, Kevin, I told you to do HVAC 38 first."

Kevin:  "But that is a huge issue and I could get the other 4 done in a morning."

Me:  "You don't understand.  I am not angry here.  Where is 38?"

Kevin:  "Over the admin area by the accountants...OH."

Me:  "You're damn skippy 'OH'.  You know what this means?"

Kevin: "Princess Stephanie is mad."

Me:  "She's not mad.  Just disappointed."

Kevin:  "Oh God no can't she be pissed off?"

Me:  "No, she said she understands."

Kevin:  "Noooooooooooo"

Me:  "You know what you have to do."

Kevin:  "Hari kari?"

Me:  "Pfffft.  Nobody gets off that easy.  You gotta go apologize to her."

Kevin:  "But she's gonna forgive at me until I die."

Me:  "Should have thought about THAT before disregarding my instructions.  Now get your ass in there and get forgiven.  You deserve it."
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #117 on: July 25, 2018, 09:30:56 pm »
A bunch of ex-engineers, architects, and other people who have been trained their whole lives to insist they know everything, all jammed in a room to discuss energy usage.

This particular meeting was supposed to just be about the charter, but everyone started talking at once, pimping out their own personal pet ideas.  Nobody had read the usage history I had sent them 2 weeks prior, and I know this because the chairman sent me an email this morning before the meeting saying:

Quote
Please let me know by noon which of the following will be available for discussion with the ETF today:
1.   Jan-June Trico spreadsheet, rate code, kw, kwh, $
2.   Jan-June SW Gas spreadsheet, therms, $
3.   Example bulb in a box of parking lot light(s) [if more than one kind]. Since we now don't know for sure how many hours the tennis lights are used, parking bulbs take priority since they are on many hours.
4.   How do we heat our buildings, gas or heat pump?
5.   Spec sheet on A/C (heat pump?) existing and units to be replaced, or have been recently replaced, per the reserve study
6.   Spec on furnaces, if they exist. Nameplate BTU/HR and efficiency rating.
7.   Specs on pool heaters. Nameplate BTU/HR, eff., flow rate, delta T, etc.
Be sure to let me know if other resources are needed to help. Vince offered monies.
Thanks,
Ron

<Deep breath>So he wants me to resend him items 1, 2, and 4.  I sent him the specs on 3, but apparently he doesn't trust my ability to read, so he wants an actual bulb (they are twice the size of a football and if you touch them with bare skin, you just threw away $950).  5 consists of 120 machines that are on rooftops at 111F, and he wants this by 12:30 and that is not going to happen.  There are no furnaces, and I've told him that.  Again, he does not believe me.  #7 is also in the information I sent him.  Lastly, Vince most definitely did NOT offer monies.  Vince has killed people for having a 3% budget variance.  No money comes out of Vince.  Nothing comes out of Vince except horror and madness.  Stop your foolish lies. <wheeze>

It occurs to me that I am in the golden era again, like when I worked for Jim, except that I have less accountability and am in fact not ALLOWED to send him anything else until they sort out the charter, which did not occur today.  So I am in the enviable position of having a pack of retired "professionals" to torment with their own inability to follow state law regarding political task forces.  It ALSO occurs to me that Ron has mistaken Director Howl for his errand boy.

My only problem is that there are too many choices in trying to decide how to fuck with this committee.


"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me

LMNO

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #118 on: July 26, 2018, 01:46:37 pm »
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #119 on: July 26, 2018, 04:59:38 pm »
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?

Warming up with treacherous maintenance manager.

He left a bunch of shit undone, thinks he knows what is actually important (and if we were industrial, I wouldn't question this) more than the board of directors, then lies to me repeatedly.

In short, he's a miserable sinner.  So I write him up.  So he goes to horrible HR person to get the write up removed.  Lies to her, she knows this and is okay with it, tells the big boss a couple of lies herself.  What neither of them seem to realize is that I never ever ever EVER put discipline on paper unless I have ironclad documentation that not only proves he's lying, but also proves she lied.

This will all end in madness and horror and death.  I am okay with that.
"Wenn Sie in meinem Ort parken will ich euch in den Kopf stechen."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have the right to kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment."
- The late, unlamented Good Reverend Roger

"Shitting in your tub might feel satisfying at first, but when the bathwater gets cold you're always sorry. "
- Me