Author Topic: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)  (Read 6504 times)

LMNO

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #105 on: June 23, 2018, 05:45:53 pm »
 :lulz:

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #106 on: June 24, 2018, 10:18:27 am »
beautiful. :D
to annoy those who are
pretty sure
this makes sense

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #107 on: June 28, 2018, 02:00:53 am »
Soooo...My boss asked to see my budget re-forecast.

Boss:  "Um, this is pretty dense stuff."

Me:  "You asked for a budget analysis and there it is.  4 spreadsheets and 20 pages of it.  One thing worth noting is that I am under-budget on employer burden and WAY over-budget on overtime, meaning that my headcount is wrong."

Boss:  "Where is that?"

Me:  "Spreadsheet one, page one, line items 1 & 3.  The analysis is in the text, section IIa."

Boss:  "Most people just add 3%."

Me:  "I'm not most people."

Boss:  "You don't say.  Can you just give me a summary?"

Me:  "Give me some more money you bastard."

Boss:  ...

Me:  "That's what it all comes down to, really.  Also, summaries just make people mad.  Look, you're mad right now."
« Last Edit: June 28, 2018, 02:03:33 am by Doktor Howl »
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #108 on: June 30, 2018, 01:22:49 am »
So, the electrical bill split that was given to me in January seems to have no connection with reality, which I had noted at the time.  I was told to use it anyway.  Now the guy that told me to use it (boss's boss) says it's wrong and here's the correct one, oh and by the way I have 5 days to fix the enormous snaggle.

Completed 3 hours later, double checked and all the accountant group has to do is add or subtract a single number per account per month for 5 months.  Call it 30 minutes of work.

Controller:  "How the hell did you do this so fast?"

Me:  "My Excel-fu is strong.  It is in fact a 300 pound javelina and it's balls bounce on the floor."

*everyone stops and stares at me*

Me:  "Was that inappropriate?"

Princess Stephanie:  "Um."

Me:  "I just saved you 30 hours of double entry work."

Princess Stephanie: "Okay, the javelina thing is okay.  With the balls bouncing on the floor and whatnot."

Controller:  "Totally okay.  Now can you unfuck your labor numbers?"

Me:  "SHOW ME WHERE THE MIC IS AT."
« Last Edit: June 30, 2018, 01:24:22 am by Doktor Howl »
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #109 on: June 30, 2018, 10:09:52 pm »
Quick conversation with Kathy, the world's second-scariest Russian.

Kathy:  "What did you do to my assistant?"

Me:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Kathy:  "Ever since she helped you guys with that water problem, she's been positively manic."

Me:  "Is that a bad thing?"

Kathy:  "No.  It's great.  She's twice as productive and she's interested in learning how everything works."

Me:  "Well, she caught fire.  She has learned the glory of knowing things and learning things and working with her brain instead of her boredom."

Kathy:  "Can you bottle that?"

Me:  "No, but I have a blowtorch in the shop and we can maybe use that on the general workforce."

Kathy:  "muhaha"
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #110 on: July 10, 2018, 09:41:10 pm »
Kevin:  "I don't get it.  The surlier we are, the more good press we get."

Me:  "It's simple, Kevin.  The public has an image of maintenance that they like to believe in.  We are grizzled old bastards with *just* the right amount of cheek.  We are like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, only there will be no singing whatsoever."

Kevin:  "That sounds unlikely."

Me:  "It is the plain and simple truth.  No matter what is in the package, if the box is colorful, they will like it.  You could pack a Hasbro box full of dog shit and people would line up around the block."

Kevin:  "That's cynical as hell."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "You just called me Billy."

Me:  "Different box, same shit.  Once you look past the packaging, people are remarkably fungible."

Kevin:  "How do you even get dressed in the morning?  You're completely bugshit."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true.  The graveyards are full of unique and irreplaceable people."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #111 on: July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #112 on: July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?
to annoy those who are
pretty sure
this makes sense

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #113 on: July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #114 on: July 11, 2018, 01:58:20 am »
Also, I have been accused of "weaponizing my budget."
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.

Capeditiea

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #115 on: July 11, 2018, 06:08:09 am »
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.

*mischievious laughter ensues. I took it :D
to annoy those who are
pretty sure
this makes sense

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #116 on: July 17, 2018, 11:32:56 pm »
Me:  "Goddammit, Kevin, I told you to do HVAC 38 first."

Kevin:  "But that is a huge issue and I could get the other 4 done in a morning."

Me:  "You don't understand.  I am not angry here.  Where is 38?"

Kevin:  "Over the admin area by the accountants...OH."

Me:  "You're damn skippy 'OH'.  You know what this means?"

Kevin: "Princess Stephanie is mad."

Me:  "She's not mad.  Just disappointed."

Kevin:  "Oh God no can't she be pissed off?"

Me:  "No, she said she understands."

Kevin:  "Noooooooooooo"

Me:  "You know what you have to do."

Kevin:  "Hari kari?"

Me:  "Pfffft.  Nobody gets off that easy.  You gotta go apologize to her."

Kevin:  "But she's gonna forgive at me until I die."

Me:  "Should have thought about THAT before disregarding my instructions.  Now get your ass in there and get forgiven.  You deserve it."
I was a teen-aged shit-poster; as you can see, the condition became chronic.