Author Topic: Give us your best philosophy joke  (Read 17565 times)

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Cramulus

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #46 on: February 07, 2014, 08:14:11 pm »
:genius:

CARTESIAN DUALISM!!

Rene Descartes walks into a resturant and sits down for dinner. The waiter comes over and asks if he'd like an appetizer

"No thank you" says Descartes, "I'd just like to order dinner"

"Would you like to hear our daily specials?" asks the waiter

"No" says Descartes, getting impatient

"Would you like a drink before dinner?" the waiter asks

Descartes is insulted, since he's a tee-totaler

"I think not!" he says indignantly, and POOF! he disappeared.

Slyph

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #47 on: August 20, 2014, 03:06:16 am »
Sartre is sitting at a cafe. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, with no cream." The waitress says, "Sorry, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?”

LuciferX

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #48 on: August 20, 2014, 06:02:21 am »
Sartre is sitting at a cafe. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, with no cream." The waitress says, "Sorry, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Alas, it was not the lack of that for which I had been looking :lulz:
Hic Salta?
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Constant Eso-Opthamologist of Elicited Stopped-Clock Illusions, brings it back, or sinners just repent______

Slyph

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #49 on: August 27, 2014, 08:28:45 pm »
Dunno if this counts as a philosophy joke but *cough*

...

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

FUCK YOU! WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW, HUH? AM I BEING DETAINED? AM I FREE TO GO OFFICER? AM I BEING DETAINED??

LuciferX

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #50 on: August 27, 2014, 09:49:00 pm »
Hegel:  so what can you tell me about synthetic a priori judgements?
Kant:   that they are practically grounded in transcendental apperception by my faculty of pure imagination.
Hic Salta?
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Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #51 on: August 28, 2014, 06:44:58 am »
Dunno if this counts as a philosophy joke but *cough*

...

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

FUCK YOU! WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW, HUH? AM I BEING DETAINED? AM I FREE TO GO OFFICER? AM I BEING DETAINED??

 :lulz:
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #52 on: January 30, 2015, 11:02:55 am »
Q.) How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.) It doesn't matter.

EDIT:

here's one that's a bit more esoteric

Q.) Why did the plucked chicken cross the road?
A.) It was being brought to Plato as an example of a featherless biped that is not a human


EDIT:
Q.)Why doesn't the cube fuck the tetrahedron
A.) Because they're platonic solids

that one's also a math joke

EDIT:
Q.) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.) [Insert long winded essay about free will, animal consciousness/umwelt, determinism, and the meaning of the word "why" here]

Edit:

Q.) How many epistemologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.) The more important question is how do we know
« Last Edit: January 30, 2015, 11:48:08 am by Prelate Diogenes Shandor »
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.

a plague on both your houses -Mercutio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8

It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft

He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q

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Meunster

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #53 on: January 30, 2015, 02:29:56 pm »
http://existentialcomics.com/comic/64


Why did no one post this?
Poe's law ;)

Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2015, 02:48:33 pm »
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.

a plague on both your houses -Mercutio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8

It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft

He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q

You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata

Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #55 on: January 30, 2015, 03:54:38 pm »
Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #56 on: January 30, 2015, 03:55:10 pm »
A. Suck its dick.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #57 on: January 31, 2015, 03:28:25 am »
Q.) What's the difference between L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand?
A.) One wrote a collection of science fiction books that became the focus of a deranged cult, the other wrote Battlefield Earth

EDIT:

Q.) What do you call an ineffectual philosopher?
A.) Immanuel Can't

EDIT:

"Nirvana" refers to the cessation of suffering brought about by the extinction of the self that results from taking heroin and shooting yourself in the head with a shotgun.

EDIT:

When you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss snidely responds "why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer"
« Last Edit: January 31, 2015, 07:31:40 am by Prelate Diogenes Shandor »
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.

a plague on both your houses -Mercutio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8

It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft

He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q

You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata

Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #58 on: January 31, 2015, 08:04:33 pm »
Ever heard the one about the 3 Zen Masters that walked into a bar?

Nothing really happened.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

Prelate Diogenes Shandor

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Re: Give us your best philosophy joke
« Reply #59 on: February 01, 2015, 07:35:17 am »
Q.) What's spread by cats, causes disease in pregnant women, and advocates non-violent resistence as the best means to bring about positive social change?
A.) Toxoplasma Gandhi

EDIT:
Q.) What's  the difference between an honest person and a magnetic monopole?
A.) It's possible that we may eventually find a magnetic monopole.

EDIT:
Q.) What's the difference between Rene Descartes and the Marquis de Sade?
A.) One was the most brilliant philosopher in the history of France, the other invented analytical geometry.

EDIT:
Q.) How many eastern myatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.) None. Change must come from within.

Edit:

Q.) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.) It didn't. To cross the road it would first to cross half the road, and then cross half the remaining distance, and then half the distance remaining after that, and so on ad infinitum. No matter how thin the road it would always require an infinite number of actions to cros it and from this we can conclude that motion does not exist.

EDIT:

The action of Also Sprach Zarathustra took place on Holy Saturday
« Last Edit: February 01, 2015, 08:39:01 am by Prelate Diogenes Shandor »
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.

a plague on both your houses -Mercutio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8

It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft

He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q

You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata

Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago