Author Topic: Ask me anything about fending off wild animals.  (Read 33423 times)

The Good Reverend Roger

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Ask me anything about fending off wild animals.
« on: November 19, 2003, 11:11:36 pm »
I am an expert in this field.
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St. Pynchon

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« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2003, 11:27:32 pm »
I crave the leathery eggs of the platypus, but wiley Mother Platypus defends her nest with cunning.  How can I satiate my disturbing hunger without getting an eye-full of platypus venom?
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The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2003, 11:46:48 pm »
Quote from: St. Pynchon
I crave the leathery eggs of the platypus, but wiley Mother Platypus defends her nest with cunning.  How can I satiate my disturbing hunger without getting an eye-full of platypus venom?


I suggest a set of safety goggles to protect your eyes, and a pair of razor-sharp hatchets, one duct-taped to either hand, to deal with the possibility of the mother charging.

The most important thing to do, however, is check to make sure that the platypus in question is not the rare "speckled belly" variety, as not only are their eggs poisonous, but the mothers frequently know kung-fu.

Good luck, and happy eating!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Guido Finucci

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« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2003, 12:09:34 am »
Dear Roger,

What is the best course of action if one has stumbled into the lair of a three toed sloth and is about to be ravaged by the enraged occupant?

The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2003, 12:18:06 am »
Quote from: Guido Finucci
Dear Roger,

What is the best course of action if one has stumbled into the lair of a three toed sloth and is about to be ravaged by the enraged occupant?


That depends.

If you LIKE being ravaged by a three-toed sloth, I would simply suggest that you use proper protection, and enjoy yourself.

If not, then demand that the sloth respect you as a person, and not as a sex object.  Make sure it understands that "no" means "NO"!

If it doesn't listen, and tries to get wise anyway, I suggest duct-taping a razor sharp tomohawk to either hand, and going to town on his punk ass.

When you have defeated him, which you should (they are slow), ravish HIM, to give him an idea of what it feels like to be used.

Hope this helps.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

SMFabal

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« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2003, 12:31:54 am »
There is a gient hyperintellegent spider that has moved into my backyard. It has duct taped razor sharp tomahawks to each of it's four front legs. What should I do to get rid of the enraged beast?
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The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2003, 12:41:41 am »
Quote from: SMFabal
There is a gient hyperintellegent spider that has moved into my backyard. It has duct taped razor sharp tomahawks to each of it's four front legs. What should I do to get rid of the enraged beast?


Whoops.  That's my fault...on another forum, there was this giant hyperintelligent spider asking about Discordians, see...

The short and skinny is, you are F*CKED, unless, of course, you happen to have THESE guys on your side:



Now, if the bomb doesn't work, you could ALL tape razor sharp franciscas to your hands, and hope for the best.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

MedeoPlusPlus

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« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2003, 01:06:09 am »
Roger:

My sister brought home Cthulhu one day and my parents are letting her keep It as a pet. Cthulhu now resides in my closet and stares at me at night. Help.
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Guido Finucci

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« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2003, 01:12:32 am »
That's hardly a fair question - he's an expert in wild animals, not Great Old Ones.

The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2003, 01:14:43 am »
Quote from: Mad Mod Medeo
Roger:

My sister brought home Cthulhu one day and my parents are letting her keep It as a pet. Cthulhu now resides in my closet and stares at me at night. Help.


I suggest you duct tape an elder sign to each hand, and then swat him vigorously.

That's always worked for me.

On the other hand, you COULD always have "Bob" come over and deal with it...but this usually leads to "Bob" getting all hot and bothered, and the mess just isn't worth it.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2003, 01:15:30 am »
Quote from: Guido Finucci
That's hardly a fair question - he's an expert in wild animals, not Great Old Ones.


I have some limited know-how in this area, though I do not promise results.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

SMFabal

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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2003, 01:37:24 am »
I suggest frying it with a light coating of sesame oil and serving over rice.
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Sir Lyall

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« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2003, 02:16:40 pm »
I recently gave my cat far to much whiskey and he's turned into a slothful, ungreatful drunkard, and no longer bathes. I've tried 12-step programs, detox, and whippings, but nothing will change his newfound bad attitude. How do I get my once-ferocious hell-beast Muffles back from the good-for-nothing boozing hobo he has become?
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« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2003, 02:27:18 pm »
Um...how do I deal with a rabid, steroid enraged, grizzly bear?...help...fast...

The Good Reverend Roger

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« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2003, 03:08:45 pm »
Quote from: Sir Lyall
I recently gave my cat far to much whiskey and he's turned into a slothful, ungreatful drunkard, and no longer bathes. I've tried 12-step programs, detox, and whippings, but nothing will change his newfound bad attitude. How do I get my once-ferocious hell-beast Muffles back from the good-for-nothing boozing hobo he has become?


Kitty won't change unless Kitty wants to change.

If Kitty doesn't want to change, Kitty will make a nice oven mitt.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.