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[Bella]

Help for the Confused

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Reply to: anon-80099097@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Jun 21 11:46:47 2005


Let me explain: You are a bag of meat. Basically you are an ambulatory digestive system with some reproductive organs attached. Aside from that you would just be a tube sucking things in one end and crapping them out the other. It's just one of those sociological oddities that one end of your digestive tube is acceptable to expose in public while the other, in most circles, is considered rude to stick in someone's face. In between eating and excreting and working on using those gonads to make more copies of genetic material which is your only reason for being anyway, you will have some things called thoughts and feelings that really don't amount to much anyway. Then you will die, maybe after passing on some of your genetic material, maybe not, and probably after not being happy most of the time and posting on Craig's List a lot about how fucked up you are, apparently under the misconception that it actually matters. Then after you die other little alimentary canals will gobble you up to fuel their thoughtless, albeit not unhappy, little lives.

OK. That's it. Carry on.

[Bella]

Pregnant lady in wife beater, riding the metro - m4w - 35

Reply to: anon-90568812@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Aug 12 05:02:02 2005


Our eyes met for a moment, and then you said, "Get your punk ass out that seat. I'm pregnant, mother fucker."

Your voice was like the finest melody, and so I gave you my seat, gladly, and in that moment I gave you my heart.

I never thought a wife beater could look good on a pregnant woman, especially when underneath it you wore a black bra. But baby, you made it work. The emerald green thong strap hanging over the waist of your tight beige stretch pants completed the ensemble perfectly. My metro angel.

You immediately pulled out your cell phone and started talking to someone, so I couldn't introduce myself. I don't want you to think I have no manners, after all.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you mentioned going to see "your baby daddy." I saw no wedding ring, so I am assuming the romance didn't work out. Is that right? Because I want you - oh, how I burn for you, but I won't be a homewrecker.

You looked close to going into labor, and I think I heard you say "I don't know when this little mother fucker is gonna drop out, but it better be soon." Perhaps once the blessed event has occurred, we could meet for a cup of chai tea?

Let me know. And if I never hear from you, I wish you well. Please know that I will always carry the memory of you in my heart.

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

And I thought I was grouchy when I was pregnant, holy fuck  

[Bella]

You lost your stomach, I lost my mind

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Reply to: anon-87543200@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Jul 28 13:39:24 2005


Tuesday, noon, eastbound Fullerton bus. I sat pristinely in my pressed shirt and tie en route to job interview. You in your skintight black jeans and white t-shirt proclaiming an entertaining variety of pro-Puerto Rican slogans. Our eyes met and the gaze we shared transcended any cultural boundaries society would wish to impose upon our burdgeoning romance. I could tell by the jaundice in your skin that my piercing blue eyes and shocking pallor were twisting your insides in such a profound fit of ecstasy. Even so, I was taken aback when you suddenly rose to make a swift exit, unable to contain your glee, and bestowed SOMEONE ELSE with the contents of your stomach brought on by the rapture of our unspoken amor. The cruel pace of our unrelenting bus driver prevented me from following you out to the curb and left me to ponder why I was not the one to receive the angelic outpouring.

I stopped by the Home Depot on my way home and purchased a bucket. If you feel the same way, let me know and I'll also bring over some ginger ale.

[doubtless incident]

i just wrote to the guy who loves the pregnant lady. told him it was triplets and they want him to be the daddy. fun

[Bella]

UPDATE: My CRAZY Pot Head Neighbor Lady

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Reply to: anon-96326584@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Sep 08 18:46:45 2005


Some of you may remember the pics I posted a while back of my neighbor, who wears either a kitchen POT or a tinfoil hat on her head - every day. Well let me tell you she is officially CRAZY (I know, as if the head wear didn't already give it away). Allow me if you will to replay the events of last night around 10:30:

I stepped out back and sat down on my patio chair to have a smoke before heading to bed. Now sometimes the Pot Head Lady steps out in the evening also, so I didn't think anything of it when I heard her sliding door open. Until she started yelling. I looked around, then realized she was yelling at ME. Here's how it went -

Pot Head Lady: Hey you fucking ASSHOLE! Next time you fucking shoot me do it to my face!

Me: (looking around confusedly) Excuse me?

PHL: (basically repeating the same thing over again)

At this time I should say that I was thinking 'SHIT...hahaha...just MAYBE she was, in her own backwards way, talking about the pictures I took of her and she had found them on craigslist!' Now that would be funny, but that was over a month ago and I doubt she just found them now.

Me: WHAT are you talking about??

PHL: (her tone temporarily changing to sound almost-sane) Do you live there?

Me: Umm, Yes...

PHL: You fucking TAZERED me in the back when I wasn't looking ASSHOLE! You SONOFABITCH YOU MADE MY KIDNEY HURT!!!

Me: WHAT?!

PHL: YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU DID IT - YOU TAZERED ME IN THE BACK!! Next time do it to my face!!! ASSHOLE!

At this point I have nothing. I don't know whether to laugh and run for the camera again or get pissed because I have two young kids sleeping in the house and she is YELLING at me in my own backyard. Hoping to get her to SHUT UP, I decided to go with "Ok, you need to go back into your house lady."

She looked at me for a second, muttered to herself about me being a "real class act" or something, then ignored me, watered her plants, and went back in.

Never a dull moment here in Gresham.


STAY TUNED...

[Bella]

Looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week. - 23

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Reply to: anon-95223717@craigslist.org
Date: Sat Sep 03 10:52:44 2005


I am looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week to restore my happiness in being single. Now that school has started again I find myself in classes where 80% of my classmates are either married/engaged/in a relationship. I was content to be single all summer but now that I have been exposed to all these happy people in relationships, I'm starting to wonder if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don't, but let's make this concrete with an experience. This is where you come in. I need you around for one week in the role of a bad boyfriend to renew my glee in being single.

My requirements of you:
-You are attractive. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a pretty boy who is nice to look at but a total dick otherwise.
-Be very needy. Call me several times a day, checking where I am, who I'm with, etc.
-Have poor or no manners. When we go out, I want you to not use your napkin, tip poorly or not at all, never open doors, that sort of thing.
-It would be nice if you have politically conservative leanings so we can get into fun arguments
-Stare at other girls when we're out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.
-Don't listen when I talk, and interrupt me when you can.
-Insist on driving us everywhere, but proceed to get so drunk that I have to drive your car or call a taxi.
-Wear ugly clothes, or at least clothing inappropriate for every occasion.
-Have wildly inaccurate information and unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about everything.
-Steal something of mine. I will set out one designated thing that you must steal from my house. You will steal this and nothing else.
-Don't be too upset when I end things after a week (and part of this deal is that I am the one to break things off). You know what you're getting into and do not form any untoward bond.

After the week is up we can either be friends and laugh about this, or we can pretend that we've never met and ignore each other if we happen to meet in a public place.

What do you get out of it?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am not rich). One stolen item (of my choosing). A good story to tell people later. Satisfaction that you are also single. A chance to vent your spleen. A dissatisfying tryst for both of us.

You'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity!

[LMNO]

What about sex?  She doesn't mention sex.

And what better way to prove you're a dick than being selfish in the bedroom?

[fluffy]

hollywood wants the script

kate hudson and ashton kutcher in
"the terrible boyfriend"

[Bella]

I didn't see that one. Sounds like this girl might have though, huh?

[fluffy]

I didn't see that one. Sounds like this girl might have though, huh?

nobody saw it
i made it up

[Bella]

I didn't see that one. Sounds like this girl might have though, huh?

nobody saw it
i made it up

Oh. I need more coffee, huh?

[Bella]

Dear Coworkers: please don't talk to me in the john

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Reply to: anon-93229426@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Aug 24 19:19:13 2005


Dear Coworkers:

I understand that the nature of our job (trading stocks, which begins effectively at 8:30am central time) causes us as a group of individuals to feel the need to deposit our morning bodily waste at approximately the same time as each other, every single day, so as to be unencumbered during the course of normal business hours. Further, I understand that a men's room with only 4 toilet stalls is a woefully inadequate proposition to satisfy the needs of 150 male individuals who all must deposit said waste during the span of a brief half hour every day before the market opens. Finally, I understand that the inadequacy of our men's room to service everybody's bodily needs simultaneously causes the unfortunate formation of long lines in the restroom foyer, alongside the sinks, between the entryway and the stalls.

HOWEVER, I do not understand your need to consistently force conversation upon me prior to, during, or immediately following the act of dropping the cosby kids off at the pool. Please refrain, in the future, from engaging in any act of this nature, limited, but not exclusive to, the following examples:

Case 1:
Me, in line for the next available stall
Coworker #1 (in line behind me): "Oh man, this one's gonna be a doosie. I had some corn for dinner last night"
... this is completely unnecessary. Not only don't I want to talk to you while I'm quietly biding my time to deposit my unholiest of unholies, I certainly don't need to hear that when you sit down in the stall next to me, the squishy, ploppy sound which is inevitably coming from you, will be the result of chunky partially digested corn coming out of your anus.

Case 2:
Me, on the pooper, (relatively) quietly minding my own business and reading the sports page.
Coworker #2: "Hey Jake, is that you over there?"
(uncomfortable silence)
Me: "um, no"
Coworker #2: "Oh, sorry. It sounded like Jake"
... first of all, what? How do you know what Jake sounds like on the john? Second, why do you care if your buddy Jake is the one sitting next to you while you're in there? pick up a goddamn newspaper and keep to yourself

Case #3:
Me, exiting a stall, having finished my business, on my way to wash my hands.
Coworker #3 (next in line): "Thanks man"
... um, sure? You're welcome? Be sure to enjoy the uncomfortable warmth that my bare ass left on the toilet seat which will invariably remain until you sit down and realize you wish you were in a nice, isolated bathroom stall, in which you wouldn't have to think about the bare ass of the last person who happened to have shat there.


My point is this: I enjoy the relative anonymity that a public restroom stall should provide to one while he or she is doing his or her business. I find it difficult to believe that we, as humans, feel the need to experience situations such as this communally, and as such, I have only request:
Please don't talk to me in the john and leave me the fuck alone!
this is in or around the john

[Bella]

juror at your trial - m4w

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Reply to: anon-99971633@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Sep 25 21:38:12 2005


As fate and a juror summons would have it, you entered my life. I was juror #4 at your 2 day trial for drug possession, assault and battery, and resisting arrest at Circuit Court at 26th & California. Unfortunately, I like "bad girls". I am afflicted with "opposites attract" syndrome in the worst way. The mere mention of "26th & California" or that late night call from a raspy, but lovely voice saying, "Hey baby, I'm in jail" warms my heart and brings back fond memories.

I was so captivated by your profile that I could hardly pay attention to what was said; evidence this or that, blah, blah, blah. I love the Snoopy, butterfly, and bunny tattoos on your neck and arms. You had a cute snarl for each witness. As hard as I tried, there was no swaying the verdicts in your favor because lets face it, you were guilty as hell!

Give me a shout out in 2 to 4 years...depending on good behavior. I will assume it's the latter based on your tantrum and the sucker punch to your lawyer. I'll look out for your release date!!!

Good luck and be good,
Juror#4

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

UPDATE: My CRAZY Pot Head Neighbor Lady

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Reply to: anon-96326584@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Sep 08 18:46:45 2005


Some of you may remember the pics I posted a while back of my neighbor, who wears either a kitchen POT or a tinfoil hat on her head - every day. Well let me tell you she is officially CRAZY (I know, as if the head wear didn't already give it away). Allow me if you will to replay the events of last night around 10:30:

I stepped out back and sat down on my patio chair to have a smoke before heading to bed. Now sometimes the Pot Head Lady steps out in the evening also, so I didn't think anything of it when I heard her sliding door open. Until she started yelling. I looked around, then realized she was yelling at ME. Here's how it went -

Pot Head Lady: Hey you fucking ASSHOLE! Next time you fucking shoot me do it to my face!

Me: (looking around confusedly) Excuse me?

PHL: (basically repeating the same thing over again)

At this time I should say that I was thinking 'SHIT...hahaha...just MAYBE she was, in her own backwards way, talking about the pictures I took of her and she had found them on craigslist!' Now that would be funny, but that was over a month ago and I doubt she just found them now.

Me: WHAT are you talking about??

PHL: (her tone temporarily changing to sound almost-sane) Do you live there?

Me: Umm, Yes...

PHL: You fucking TAZERED me in the back when I wasn't looking ASSHOLE! You SONOFABITCH YOU MADE MY KIDNEY HURT!!!

Me: WHAT?!

PHL: YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU DID IT - YOU TAZERED ME IN THE BACK!! Next time do it to my face!!! ASSHOLE!

At this point I have nothing. I don't know whether to laugh and run for the camera again or get pissed because I have two young kids sleeping in the house and she is YELLING at me in my own backyard. Hoping to get her to SHUT UP, I decided to go with "Ok, you need to go back into your house lady."

She looked at me for a second, muttered to herself about me being a "real class act" or something, then ignored me, watered her plants, and went back in.

Never a dull moment here in Gresham.


STAY TUNED...

That pot looks a little photoshopped though.