Cramulus Has Gained a Level

[Cramulus]

Dear ass-cannons and tard-bibs:

Today is Cramulus' birthday. If you would like to help him celebrate, please write a story starring him. Minimum length is one sentence.  Suggested genre is Action.

For example:
"Cramulus," the old man gasped, "I'm dying."

Cramulus extended his hand, palm up, and said "Keys to the jet."

The old man tossed Cram the keys and promptly died. Cram jumped into the jet and vowed to avenge his death, but instead just spent an entire tank of jet fuel flying around and listening to "Rock You Like a Hurricaine" on repeat.


THE END

[Richter]

Cramulus sat at his computer, composing WOMP's of great humor.

As he clicked SAVE his door exploded inwards in a shower of splinters and testosterone.  An impozing figure, clad in an off assortment of flowing coats and scarves.  It leveled a long halberd at his head.

"Cramulus of the Cramularim.  It is time."

"Ok, cool.  How did you get that thing up the stairs?"

"Uh....", the figure stopped.

"I mean, that stairwel is one twisty bitch.  That's seven fucking feet of wood and steel.  Seriously, HOW!?  I mean, we had to give away a whole COUCH because it wouldn't fit up there."

"Look, this isn't about my halberd!"

"Your therapist suggested otherwise."

"CRAM YOU DAMNULU....I MEAN...AH SHIT!", the enraged figure spoonerized and stuttered.  "I'm here to fight you to the death, on your birthday, so you can draw confidence and justification into your remaining years, and you lay THIS on me?"

"Dude, I get more meaning out of a solid DUMP that a duel to the death.  In fact, I can drop you where I sit."

"Bullshit."

"Watch." 

So saying, Cramulus closed his eyes.

"I CANNOT SEE YOU.  THEREFORE YOU DO NOT EXIST!"

The figure was gone when he opened his eyes.  Whatever the reason, this definitely called for a beer.   

[Cainad (dec.)]

Cramulus waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Cramulus was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."

Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"

There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.

"This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"

So Cramulus gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.

"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons

"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. Cramulus plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted

The radio said "No, Cramulus. You are the demons"

And then Cramulus was a zombie.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Gay Porn:

Cramulus stared straight into the camera, rubbing his ballsack provocatively.

[rosenstock]

In the style of Andy Warhol.

We see Cramulus' face. Nothing more.

[Vene]

  @ Cainad

Cramulus wakes up to celebrate his birthday.  He stumbles over to the fridge for a screwdriver (hey, juice is good in the morning), but as he opens the door rocks fall.  Everyone dies.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Cyberpunk:

MORPHEUS Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.

CRAMULUS How?

MORPHEUS Hold out your hands.

In Cramulus' right hand, Morpheus drops a red pill.

MORPHEUS This is your last chance. After this, there is no going back.

In his left, a blue pill.

MORPHEUS: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe.

The pills in his open hands are reflected in the glasses.

MORPHEUS: You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Cramulus feels the smooth skin of the capsules, with the moisture growing in his palms.

MORPHEUS: Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Cramulus opens his mouth and swallows the blue pill.

[Cramulus]

  these are great!

[P3nT4gR4m]

Action:

CRAMULUS
(looks at his watch)
Oh, God, it's late. Hey, thanks for the beer.

TYLER
Yeah, man.

CRAMULUS
I should find a hotel...

TYLER
What?

CRAMULUS
What?

TYLER
A hotel?

CRAMULUS
Yeah.

TYLER
Just ask it, man.

CRAMULUS
What are you talking about?

TYLER
Three pitchers of beer and you still can't ask.

CRAMULUS
What?

TYLER
You called me so you could have a place to stay.

CRAMULUS
Hey, no, no, no--

TYLER
Yes you did. Just ask. Cut the foreplay and just ask, man.

CRAMULUS
Wou--Would that be a problem?

TYLER
Is it a problem for you to ask?

CRAMULUS
Can I stay at your place?

TYLER
No.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Scifi:

                                 CRAMULUS
                  Some of you may have figured
                  out that we're not home.
                 
                                 BRETT
                  What the hell.
             
                                 CRAMULUS
                  Mother's interrupted the course
                  of the voyage.
                  Mother is programmed to interrupt
                  the course of out voyage if
                  certain conditions arise.  They
                  have...
                        (pause)
                  We've received intermittent
                  transmission from quadrant points
                  QBR 157, 052.  Somebody's gone
                  down.

                                 BRETT
                  So what.

                                 KANE
                  We're obligated under Section B2...
   
                                 PARKER
                  Christ.  We're a commerical ship
                  not some rescue team.  This kind
                  of duty's not in our contract.

                                 ASH
                  You better read your contract.
                  Transmissions received in non-
                  commercial lanes...

        Cramulus gives Parker and Brett a look.

                                 CRAMULUS
                  Fuck it, lets go back to sleep.

[Vene]

    In A.D. 2009
    War was beginning.
    Cramulus: What happen?
    Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.
    Operator: We get signal.
    Cramulus: What !
    Operator: Main screen turn on.
    Cramulus: It's you !!
    AKK: How are you gentlemen !!
    AKK: All your base are belong to us.
    AKK: You are on the way to destruction.
    Cramulus: What you say !!
    AKK: You have no chance to survive make your time.
    AKK: Ha ha ha ha ....
    Operator: Cramulus !!
    Cramulus: Take off every 'ZIG'!!
    Cramulus: You know what you doing.
    Cramulus: Move 'ZIG'.
    Cramulus: For great justice.

[Triple Zero]

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

RANDOM BITS OF INDUSTRIAL DEBREE BLOWING THROUGH THE AIR

A BLUEISH STROBOSCOPE FLASHES THE SCENE--ITS SOURCE JUST OUT OF VISION

THE ATMOSPHERE IS CRAMPED WITH A PANICKED LACK OF TIME

EVERYTHING TIES TOGETHER HERE--BUT THE WORLD IS IN FREE FALL

A CAR EXPLODES

AN ORANGE CLOUD, JETS OF FLAME, THE BURNING CAR TIRE ROLLS AWAY

IN THE MISTY SMOKE ILLUMINATED BY THE STROBOSCOPE, A SILHOUETTE APPEARS

LONGHAIRED WITH A LONG TRENCHCOAT, FLUTTERING LIKE A CAPE

HOLDING TWO SLIGHTLY OVERSIZED GUNS

"THEY CALL ME ... THE PROFESSOR. AND THIS IS WHAT I'M PROFESSING"

BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM

THE SCENE ERUPTS INTO CHAOS

EXPLOSIONS, GUNSHOTS, LEFT AND RIGHT

DIABETICS TEARING APART SPRAYING BLOOD ALL OVER THEIR PALE BODIES

OVERHEAD THE SOUND OF A HELICOPTER CAN BE HEARD

THE TRENCHCOATED FIGURE TURNS, GUNS STILL SMOKING

"CHLOE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

A SPANDEX-CLAD FEMALE FIGURE CAN BE SEEN THROWING OUT A ROPE LADDER

THE PROFESSOR EFFORTLESSLY JUMPS THE 20FT DISTANCE FROM THE TOP OF THE BUILDING, GRABBING THE LADDER

AS THEY FLY INTO THE NIGHT, THE BUILDING EXPLODES, BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND CRUMBLES

[Cain]

Fantasy:

The Evil Overlord gave the helmeted knight an appraising stare as he entered the room.  Even unarmed, he could still be dangerous.  In particular, his armour meant he could still do terrible amounts of damage before being stopped.  Holding up a hand, he bade the knight to stop, then motioned at his bodyguards to strip him of his protection.  The helm came off first, exposing his flowing hair, the mark of a holy warrior.  Then the curaiss, gauntlets and vambraces followed.  Finally, with a look of pure venom, he allowed his greaves and schlynbalds to be removed.

"Are you satisfied I am unarmed now, Lord Vesper" he asked, in a curiously flat tone.

His lordship considered the question a moment.  "Yes", he said at last, "I am.  Now, shall we discuss the terms of your peoples surrender?"  He motioned with his hand for the knight to read his proposals, set out on a table before him.  The knight nodded, and moved to the table.  Standing beside him, Lord Vesper looked over the terms of the treaty one more time.  Yes, he thought to himself, this conquest would assure his control of the vital Cresslan Pass, and thus strategic control over the entire Erlan plains.

Then someone tapped him on the shoulder.  Annoyed at an underling interrupting him, he turned, only to take a short sword in the gut.  Reeling from the pain, he looked up, only to see long hair and the strange, black moustache.  "C..Cra...Cramulus?" he at last managed, before spitting up blood.  "B-but...how?"  How had the infamous rogue got in here.  He had to know, before he expired from his wounds.

Cramulus bent down and whispered in his ear.  "I'm a level 20 character with 90 ranks in Escape Artist.  Do you know what that means?  According to the rules, I can fit through spaces of 2 inches or less.  I got in here by hiding in my knight's anus.  Now do you see why you should never fuck with a power gamer?"  He then withdrew his word from the now expired lord's gut, and left without a word.

[Suu]

Happy Birthday, Cram!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8x8S6n-uNc

<3 Suu

[Iason Ouabache]

Cramulus wept.