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PD.com: We're like the bugs in the Starship Troopers movie: infinite, unceasing, unstoppable....and our leader looks like a huge vagina

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Messages - PANGO!

#31
Quote from: Pæs on July 29, 2013, 03:51:33 AM
I welcome our new corporate overlords with open arms*.

*KNOWN TO BE SALAZOREAN DECLARATION OF WAR. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

NO WORRY. TAKING YOU ALIVE WAS NEVER PART OF PLAN.

Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 29, 2013, 03:52:36 AM
I'm down with this.

Pango makes my pants tight.

MAYBE YOU THINK IS GOOD IDEA NOW, BUT WAIT UNTIL FIRST FEW COMPANYWIDE MEMORANDUMS GO OUT.

IN FACT, PROBABLY BEST TO GET JANITOR TO STOCK UP BROOM CLOSET WITH BOXES OF DEPENDS AHEAD OF TIME.
#32
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL OFFICIAL BUSINESS DEPARTMENT

ATTENTION DOGS:

DUE TO PLAINLY EVIDENT REALITY THAT "DISCORDICORP" HAS PRODUCED APPROXIMATELY ZERO THINGS OF ANY VALUE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, IS HEREBY DECLARED THAT PANGO! INTERNATIONAL IS MAKE OFFER* TO PURCHASING** "DISCORDICORP" FOR FULL MARKET VALUE OF $0.00USD PER SHARE.

AS MOST REASONABLE TERMS OF STATED ARRANGEMENT, PANGO! INTERNATIONAL (P!I) PROMISE TO ABIDE*** BY FOLLOWING GUIDELINES:


       
  • P!I WILL NOT HARM DISCORDIAN BRAND BY RELEASING ANYTHING UNDER SAID BRAND WHICH WOULD EMBARRASS DISCORDIANS. FOR EXAMPLE, P!I PROMISE NOT TO DEVELOP AND PUBLISH "DISCORDIAN GUIDE TO PORTLAND AREA PUBLIC RESTROOM DO'S AND DON'TS" .
  • P!I WILL NOT DECLARE OWNERSHIP OR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP OF "DISCORDIANISM IN GENERAL." SPECIFICALLY, P!I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DECLARE ALL CURRENTLY LIVING DISCORDIANS APOSTATES AND/OR MOLES PLANTED BY THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH OF PLANK, TEXAS.
  • P!I WILL NOT AMEND OR ABOLISH CURRENT CORPORATE MISSION STATEMENT OF DISCORDICORP™, ALSO KNOWN INFORMALLY AS THE "LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT" RULE.
  • UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE WILL THIS HOSTILE TAKEOVER RESULT IN LOSS OF ANY PAID, FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT POSITIONS AT DISCORDICORP™.
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL FEEL MARKET IS IN RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS MANEUVER, AND HOPE TO MAKE STRONG FRIENDSHIP WITH EVERY LITTLE PEOPLE WHO COMPRISE DISCORDICORP™. TOGETHER WE WILL STRONG LIKE OX, AND INVEST LARGE MONEY IN SCIENCE!







* IN SAME SENSE AS BANK ROBBER MAKE "OFFER" TO TAKE ALL TROUBLESOME CASH FROM HANDS OF POOR OVERWORKED DESK CLERK.
** BY "PURCHASE" WE USE TRADITIONAL SALAZOREAN DEFINITION, WHICH IS ANALOGOUS TO ENGLISH "SWINDLE."
*** FOR AT LEAST THREE DAYS.

SIGNED

DK. PANGO GILLESPI
OWNER & CEO
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL

#33
DR PANGO SEE MANY ATTEMPT TO PATRONIZE, APPEASE, FLATTER, AND DEIFY HIM.

PLEASE MORTALS. WILL NOT WORK OUT SO GOOD FOR YOU.

EVERY TIME YOU TRY THE FLATTERING, DR PANGO WILL ADD 10 MINUTES TO HOW LONG HE ALLOW YOU TO LIVE DURING THE GREAT OCCURRENCE. THIS IS NOT TEN MINUTES YOU WILL ENJOY.
#34
Quote from: stelz on April 09, 2013, 06:15:32 PM
Quote from: PANGO! on April 09, 2013, 03:53:30 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 09, 2013, 08:56:20 AM
Captain Dr. Pango,

Is there any way to entice you to Georgia for a visit? I feel certain that once you meet the people who live here, you'll be more than happy to drop your world-ending plot and take up life as a Jehovah's Witness and Road-Side Peach-Cart Pusher.

Alternately, do you have any suggestions for this horrible pain I get in my head when other people talk about Herman Cain missing his chance for greatness and now it's all on Rand Paul to save us from this terrible fate?

Also, if Megyn Kelly of Fox News offered to interview you, what would you do?

NO, THANK YOU, SWINE. DR. PANGO ALREADY WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA AT ONE TIME IN PAST.

FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS.

DEAR DR PANGO

PLEASE FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS

AND ALAN JACKSON

AND TOBY KEITH

THANK YOU

YOU SWINE AR PRECIOUS WHEN YOU TRY USE CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE ME. PLEASE. USER LOWERCASE.

UPPER CASE LETTERS FOR UPPER CASE LIFE FORMS.

THIS NOT MEAN YOU.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 09, 2013, 06:15:13 PM
Quote from: PANGO! on April 09, 2013, 06:13:56 PM
Quote from: Waffles, Viking Princess of Northern Belgium on April 09, 2013, 05:49:52 PM
Dr Pango, what tie is best for a job interview? Consider that the boss is an old surfer dude turned CEO.

NORMALLY, DR PANGO OFFER REPLIES IN JEST, OBVIOUS BULLSHIT ANSWERS. BUT IN THIS CASE, DR PANGO MAKE EXCEPTION.

FOR SURFER-DUDE/CEO BOSS GUY, DR PANGO RECOMMEND YOU WEAR NORMAL BLUE TIE. NO PATTERNS. SOLID. ALSO DRESS LIKE YOU ARE INTERVIEWING FOR JOB IN DOWNTOWN NEW YORK, EVEN IF SUCH CLOTHING IS TOO WARM FOR CLIMATE. HOWEVER, TO FRONT OF SUIT JACKET, PIN A SMALL BABY DOLL PURCHASE FROM WALMART.

IF CEO-SURFER-GUY-BOSS ASK WHY THE BABY DOLL, TELL HIM IT SYMBOLIZE ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TURN YOUR BACK ON TO GET WHERE YOU ARE TODAY, AND ALSO IT WAS A GREAT DEAL. HE WILL FEEL INSTANT BROTHERHOOD WITH YOU AND HIRE YOU ON SPOT.

This is the best thing written in Apple Talk by anyone, ever.  Period.

I am in fact printing this shit off and stapling to my wall, right next to the giant pic of Squiddy leering.

IS PLEASURE TO BRING JOY SO NEAR END OF YOUR PITIFUL WORLD.
#35
Quote from: Waffles, Viking Princess of Northern Belgium on April 09, 2013, 05:49:52 PM
Dr Pango, what tie is best for a job interview? Consider that the boss is an old surfer dude turned CEO.

NORMALLY, DR PANGO OFFER REPLIES IN JEST, OBVIOUS BULLSHIT ANSWERS. BUT IN THIS CASE, DR PANGO MAKE EXCEPTION.

FOR SURFER-DUDE/CEO BOSS GUY, DR PANGO RECOMMEND YOU WEAR NORMAL BLUE TIE. NO PATTERNS. SOLID. ALSO DRESS LIKE YOU ARE INTERVIEWING FOR JOB IN DOWNTOWN NEW YORK, EVEN IF SUCH CLOTHING IS TOO WARM FOR CLIMATE. HOWEVER, TO FRONT OF SUIT JACKET, PIN A SMALL BABY DOLL PURCHASE FROM WALMART.

IF CEO-SURFER-GUY-BOSS ASK WHY THE BABY DOLL, TELL HIM IT SYMBOLIZE ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TURN YOUR BACK ON TO GET WHERE YOU ARE TODAY, AND ALSO IT WAS A GREAT DEAL. HE WILL FEEL INSTANT BROTHERHOOD WITH YOU AND HIRE YOU ON SPOT.
#36
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 09, 2013, 04:22:43 PM
I suggest we get a kickstarter going for a Dr Pango radio show ASAP.

DR. PANGO AGREE WITH TERM "KICK"STARTER. IT SOUND LIKE DR. PANGO'S FAVORITE COITAL MANEUVER.

Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on April 09, 2013, 04:32:08 PM
Dear Captain Dr. Pango,

There's this city on the other side of the river called "Vancouver". What should I do with it?

WHAT YOU MEAN "WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT" ? ENDLESS OPTIONS. FIRE, HAIL OF BULLETS, PLAGUE OF KITTENS, SPRAY PAINT, LINE MAIN RAILROAD INTO CITY WITH CANADIAN COINS, IS UP TO IMAGINATION. DR. PANGO SUGGEST RELEASING FLOCK OF DEAD CHICKENS IN BUSY INTERSECTION.
#37
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 09, 2013, 04:03:25 PM
Dr Pango,

Mexico won't reveal the second half of the joke and is now claiming it doesn't exist.

Which CIA handbooks do you advise the lynch mob to study up on? Do YOU know the second half of the joke?

FIRST, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO STATE THAT EACH OF YOUR DOGS WILL, AT DR. PANGO'S PLEASURE, RECEIVE ANSWER TO ONE (1) QUESTION. NOT TWO. NOT THREE. ONE. FOR DEMONSTRATION: X = NUMBER OF QUESTIONS ANSWERED; Y = NUMBER OF TEETH YOU WILL HAVE REMAINING AFTER DR. PANGO FINISH WITH YOU.

X = Y.

MOVING ON NOW. MEXICO HAVE NO LEGAL OBLIGATION TO REVEAL SECOND HALF OF JOKE.

THAT IS SECOND HALF OF JOKE.

DO YOU GET IT, SWINE?

IS PUNCHLINE. EMPHASIS ON PUNCH.
#38
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 09, 2013, 08:56:20 AM
Captain Dr. Pango,

Is there any way to entice you to Georgia for a visit? I feel certain that once you meet the people who live here, you'll be more than happy to drop your world-ending plot and take up life as a Jehovah's Witness and Road-Side Peach-Cart Pusher.

Alternately, do you have any suggestions for this horrible pain I get in my head when other people talk about Herman Cain missing his chance for greatness and now it's all on Rand Paul to save us from this terrible fate?

Also, if Megyn Kelly of Fox News offered to interview you, what would you do?

NO, THANK YOU, SWINE. DR. PANGO ALREADY WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA AT ONE TIME IN PAST.

FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS.
#39
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on April 09, 2013, 03:30:26 AM
Dr. Pango,

I am finding I need more arms to accomplish all the kitchen tasks ahead of me, what do you recommend?

FELLOW SUPER-HERO SPIDER-MAN ONCE HAD NEMESIS BY NAME OF "DR OCTOPUS." LET PANGO TELL YOU, DR OCTOPUS WAS PUSSY*. EIGHT ARMS? WHAT FUCK YOU WILL DO WITH ONLY EIGHT LITTLE ARMS. IS DISGRACE TO SCIENCE! EIGHT IS BARELY ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN AUTOEROTIC MAXIMUM WHILE ACCOMPLISHING DAILY TASKS. IS INADEQUATE.

BUT DR. PANGO DIGRESS.

IN YOUR CASE, DR. PANGO RECOMMEND EXPERIMENT INVOLVING 5 ANNOYING NEIGHBORS, FRESH (NOT EMBALMED!) BODY OF LOCAL SHERIFF, AND ARRAY OF FIVE OR SIX MONKEYS FROM ZOO. DO NOT WORRY, DNA MOSTLY COMPATIBLE. ALSO YOU WILL NEED ONE DEFIBRILLATOR, TWO TAZERS, AND APPROXIMATE ONE MILE OF STERILE SUTURES. JUST PLAY AROUND. BE "BETSY ROSS" OF SURGICAL EXPERIMENTATION. DR. PANGO PROMISE WILL WORK. OR, AT LEAST, KITCHEN DUTIES WILL FADE ON LIST OF PRIORITIES.
#40
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on April 09, 2013, 02:55:57 AM
Dear Dr. Pango,

I'm a long-time fan.  Really, I mean the way you continuosly threaten us with poisonous clouds of ruin and justice, I just get chills.

DR. PANGO APPRECIATE SENTIMENT, AND ALSO LOVE YOU. AS BONUS, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO OFFER CURE FOR SAID CHILLS: RED-HOT BLAST FURNACE OF SCREAMING RADIOACTIVE DEATH.

DO NOT CALL! ORDER ALREADY PLACED!
#41
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 09, 2013, 02:54:34 AM
Quote from: PANGO! on April 09, 2013, 02:54:07 AM
DR. PANGO WAS GOING TO SET UP SECRET UNDERGROUND SCIENCE BASE 50 FLOORS BELOW ALBUQUERQUE AT ONE TIME. HAD REAL ESTATE PURCHASED AND EVERYTHING. BUT THEN RESULTS OF 1974 ELECTION COME IN AND WAS APPARENT THAT DR. PANGO DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE IN NEW MEXICO WHEN TEXAS AND ARIZONA FINALLY DECIDE TO FUCK.

ARIZONA ISN'T THAT KIND OF GIRL!

WHEN STATES ARE THAT RED, DOES NOT MATTER WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU ARE. IS CONSENSUAL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
#42
DR. PANGO WAS GOING TO SET UP SECRET UNDERGROUND SCIENCE BASE 50 FLOORS BELOW ALBUQUERQUE AT ONE TIME. HAD REAL ESTATE PURCHASED AND EVERYTHING. BUT THEN RESULTS OF 1974 ELECTION COME IN AND WAS APPARENT THAT DR. PANGO DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE IN NEW MEXICO WHEN TEXAS AND ARIZONA FINALLY DECIDE TO FUCK.
#43
Quote from: stelz on April 09, 2013, 02:42:16 AM
Dr. Pango: I often feel that the state where I live is moving backwards rather than forwards. How can I effect change?

IF FUNDS AVAILABLE, ENORMOUS, 25-STORY JET-ENGINE ATTACHED TO GROUND AND FIRED TOWARD SUNRISE OUGHT TO DO TRICK.

OTHERWISE, DRINK UNTIL THE WORLD SPINS FORWARD.

UNLESS YOU MEAN TEXAS, IN WHICH CASE, MOVE.
#44
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 09, 2013, 02:35:57 AM
DR PANGO:

The object became lodged, and despite the use of forceps, a porta-power, and a sterile crowbar, it will not budge.  Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Uncomfortable in Tucson.

WHY YOU ARE ASK FOR ADVICE ALREADY? DR. PANGO DID NOT EVEN SEE "CHAINSAW FITTED WITH AUTOMATIC TWEEZERS FOR TEETH" INCLUDED IN LIST OF THINGS ALREADY TRIED.

PLEASE RETURN TO OFFICE WHEN YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT RESOLVING PROBLEM, IRREVERENT ROGER.
#45
IF YOU DOGS HAVE LEARN ANYTHING AT ALL DURING SHORT TIME ON DOOMED BALL OF POISON YOU CALL PLANET, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT DR. PANGO IS LIKE SUPER HERO. UNLIKE BATMAN, HOWEVER, YOU CANNOT SUMMON DR. PANGO WITH OVERCOMPENSATORY FLASHLIGHT AIMED AT SOME PASSING CLOUDS. NO, DR. PANGO IS FORCE SUMMONED ONLY BY SCREECHING HOWL OF TEN THOUSAND BUTTS UNITED IN THEIR HURT. THAT IS TO SAY, BY YOUR BUTTHURT COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN DR. PANGO. AND FEAR NOT, GELATINOUS MORTAL BLOBS, DR. PANGO IS HERE TO SAVE DAY.

ON LARGE MONITOR OF EVIL SCIENCE, THIS WEBSITE USUALLY PLAY SMALL BUT ENTERTAINING ROLE AS REPOSITORY OF MILDLY AMUSING MALARKY. HOWEVER, FOR PAST WEEK, RED ALARMS HAVE BEEN SOUNDING ABOUT IMPENDING BUTTHURT ATTACK, AND IS TIME NOW FOR DR. PANGO TO SWOOP IN LIKE MIGHTY MOUSE AND FUCK YOUR EYE SOCKETS WITH DIGITIZED TEXT OF WISDOM ONCE AGAIN.

DR. PANGO REALIZE SOMETIMES THE DIFFICULTY IN DEALING WITH FELLOW PRIMATES. REJOICE, HOWEVER, THAT SOON YOUR SPECIES WILL BE DUST AND/OR ASH, AND DR. PANGO WILL RULE OVER UTOPIAN SOCIETY OF COCKROACHES, SINGLE-CELL FUNGUS, AND PICTURESQUE REMAINS OF EVERYTHING YOU TOOTHLESS DONKEYS ONCE HELD SACRED. IS ONLY MATTER OF TIME (AND PLUTONIUM). BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR YOU, YOU HAVE FEW GENERATIONS LEFT BEFORE THE END OF YOUR EXISTENCE. WORST CASE, FEW DAYS. EITHER WAY RESULT IS SAME: NO MORE OPPRESSION, NO MORE GREED, NO MORE TAXES, NO MORE DRUGS, NO MORE THINGS. ONLY SWEET, SATISFYING SILENCE.

SO DR. PANGO SUGGEST FOLLOWING SIMPLE RULES TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH REMAINING TIME UNTIL YOU ARE ALL VAPORIZED IN BLINDING BOMB OF ENLIGHTENMENT:

1. GROWN UP PEOPLE CAN MAKE GROWN UP CHOICES. ONE OR MORE OF THESE CHOICES MAY LEAD TO INCARCERATION. IS NO MYSTERY. IF YOU DO NO LIKE IT, CALL COMPLAINT LINE.
2. ONLY TWO THINGS CERTAIN IN LIFE: DEATH, TAXES, AND TERRIBLE MATH SKILLS. THESE ARE NOT FOR DEBATE, SO STOP THE DEBATE. FUCK.
3. SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKSTICKS. DR. PANGO SUGGEST YOU DO BEST TO AVOID BEING ONE OF THESE FUCKSTICKS. ALSO SUGGEST, IF YOU SEE SOMEONE NOT BEING A FUCKSTICK, DO NOT WONDER WHAT THE REASON IS BEHIND IT. THAT COUNTS AS BEING FUCKSTICK, AND YOU LOSE.

IN CLOSING, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO TAKE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS SINCERE GRATITUDE THAT IN MODERATE PERIOD SINCE LAST VISIT, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO ENDANGER MOTIVATION FOR EXPLODING YOUR PLANET LIKE RIPE PIMPLE ON OTHERWISE SMOOTH, SEXY FACE OF SPACETIME.

KEEP IT UP, DONKEYS, KEEP IT