Shameless Slander, #9: Faust

[Doktor Howl]

Most of you know Faust as the guy who owns the servers upon which PD is run.  This is incorrect.  Faust IS the server upon which PD is run.  Faust is the last surviving device from the Roswell Incident.  The incident wasn't "visitors", it was a lifeboat.  The last surviving member of a species that build a galactic civilization, somewhere else entirely.  They were destroyed by war machines designed to bombard any planet that had right angles on the surface, on the premise that intelligent life will build structures with 90 degree angles.

He ran all the way to Earth, with a computer designed to guide a species into a star-faring civilization.  Of course, nobody in their right minds would ever have considered primates as intelligent, or even for a moment considered letting them loose on the universe, so Faust just lets the weirder, less violent specimens jabber, so he can learn their psychology enough to fix them, to prepare them to be good neighbors.

It doesn't seem to be working.

[Eater of Clowns]

 

[Faust]

That was classified information, shame on you. Please report yourself to your local [REDACTED] for corrective re-education.

If you cant find the [REDACTED], calmly proceed towards the nearest group of black helicopters. If none are available drive towards the thin shifting line in the sky. You know the one, kind of like the horizon but when you look at it you are overcome with vertigo and a melancholy feeling of being far away from the bed you got out of, far from the seas from once you emerged.

You don't need to worry about finding the exact location, when you are close enough and have inhaled enough of the spores you'll just know. You'll even develop any extra limbs or breathing organs you need to make that final, hard, stretch of the journey.

[Doktor Howl]

That was classified information, shame on you. Please report yourself to your local [REDACTED] for corrective re-education.

If you cant find the [REDACTED], calmly proceed towards the nearest group of black helicopters. If none are available drive towards the thin shifting line in the sky. You know the one, kind of like the horizon but when you look at it you are overcome with vertigo and a melancholy feeling of being far away from the bed you got out of, far from the seas from once you emerged.

You don't need to worry about finding the exact location, when you are close enough and have inhaled enough of the spores you'll just know. You'll even develop any extra limbs or breathing organs you need to make that final, hard, stretch of the journey.

There's a house number missing on my street.  It goes 5640, 5644.  No 5642.  I bet that's as good a spot as any. 

[EK WAFFLR]